I completely agree with the last post. The great thing is that these days we all have a choice which is fantastic, I know my mum and definitely my grandmothers didn't feel they had a choice.

Having the choice however means difficult decisions but nothing is set in stone and if it isn't working most of the time we can change our minds, quit work or return to work, change schools etc.

This is such an emotive topic, but I really feel that there is no 'one size fits all' approach.

Everyone has to do what works for them as an individual, and as a family, be that being a SAHM, working full time, private, state, whatever. There is no 'right' answer, and no 'perfect' solution. Every family has its cracks and problems. Every family is different. For some, being at home with your kids full time is not an option, financially or sanity wise. For some, leaving your kids every day would be too much to bear, and no career would justify it to you.

I have been a SAHM for almost 5 years, but am returning to studying next year, followed by full time work after a year, (although I will be fortunate enough to have the school holidays at home...). I am SO looking forward to it. I cannot wait to get back into working, and I absolutely love the job, so it is a good thing for our family. But I would never judge someone who chose to be a SAHM indefinitely, or one who works 8am-7pm 5 days a week.

I also think it is a sad state of affairs when a SAHM is not considered a good role model. Of course we want our girls (and boys) to grow up to be motivated, eager to learn and do as well as they possibly can, in whatever they choose to do. Of course I would love it if my daughter followed a career in medicine, or law, or whatever. But the constant pressure to 'have it all' is so sad, and to me, staying at home with your children is certainly not a waste of a good education, and I absolutely believe those of you (including me, for now) who are SAHMs are good role models. Being a working mum does not make you a better mum. Being a SAHM does not make you a better mum. We are ALL good mums. Our children are all loved and nurtured. Really, isn't that all that matters?

This is a really interesting discussion. Absolute proof that one size certainly doesn't fit all.

I am a SAHM. I have also chosen to educate my children through the state system. For us this is the best choice.

I sold my business just before giving birth to my first child. As an entrepreneur I have fortunately never felt under the cosh of an employer's expectations. Nor do I fear an interruption to my paid career while I take on the career of bringing up our kids.

My OH is also a business owner and we visualise the entire family as a team. There is no one person who has more importance than another. We have a joint account, all funds go in and come out evenly. We all work hard to maintain our sense of family (even if we occasionally bicker about who has had the tougher day!).

We are really lucky that we are able to have a parent to look after our kids and it was what we both wanted. A parent to do pick-up, help with homework, listen to the niggles or achievements of their day...just be there.

The article, although interesting, did make me sad. Yes, she's right, kids will thrive with their nanny or au pair and yes, they will grow up soon and you won't feel so bothered about leaving them but blink and you miss it. And for some of us the thought of missing it sucks.
As I say, we're lucky. I know plenty of amazing mums who work to afford the rent / mortgage / food! But if we can live on one wage by not spending thousands of pounds each term by sending our kids to private schools then that suits us.

Will my daughters or son think any less of their post-graduate educated mother for that? I very much doubt it.

From the article above "Yet most mothers in the UK work full-time, and for almost a third of families they are the main breadwinner"

I had no idea the statistics were that high! Feel a little less guilty now!

I also agree with her with regards to having children in your early to mid 20's. It much easier to juggle the younger you are, your body bounces back quicker and you then have plenty of time for your career. It's certainly something I will advise my daughter if she's in the right relationship etc.

Just read this in the Evening Standard and thought it was relevant...

http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/lon ... rnalSearch

This thread is now going slightly off topic, but to add to the SAHM/daughter debate...

One of the main reasons I work is to be a role model to my daughter.

Right now it makes little difference and I have no doubt what-so-ever that she would much rather me be a SAHM and that does make me feel very guilty almost every day. Unfortunately I work in an industry where a 5 year career break is simply not an option.

However, I know that she will appreciate it when she is older. I had a stay at home mum and it was lovely when I was little, but I'm ashamed to say, I didn't really respect her opinions regarding uni/career choices/a-level decisions etc etc once I was a teenager and reverted to my father for advice instead.

Maybe that was just because she had always been a stay at home mum and was not degree educated etc. Maybe it would have been different if she had at some point before I was born had a career. I don't know.

But I want to show my daughter that with a lot of work, plenty of juggling, outsourcing unimportant stuff like cleaning, ironing etc, and having clear priorities, that you really can have a very successful, rewarding career and a family.

That said, I'm only a few years in, it might have broken me by the time she's a teenager!

Thanks MM. It's easier to do if you are in an area where you work for individuals rather than corporates. Much easier to build up a following and once you have loyal clients then it just makes no sense to be working for a salary with a whole load of partners above you making the real money, when you could go it alone, work for the clients directly and pocket the lot.à

Pie81 I liked my job but it was very hard work and long hours and as I was running my own practice there was no way I could scale that back or work fewer days per week. So it was all or nothing really. If I'd carried on then I would barely have seen the children. I'd have been leaving just after they woke and back after bedtime. Weekends wouldn't have been free from work either as I was a divorce lawyer so regularly had to run to court on weekends when clients weekend contact arrangements with their kids went tits up.

I did enjoy it but wanted more to my life than just work.

What an interesting thread.

I wonder if anyone would venture an opinion on which local (private) schools have the highest proportion of working mums?

And which are most "working mum friendly" in the sense of not expecting costumes and cakes at a moment's notice?

I have a toddler daughter and will need to choose a school for her fairly soon, from the ones we are registered at. I am working myself (4 days a week, City lawyer) and hopefully will still be working by the time she starts. So working parent friendliness is one (of many) criteria for choosing.

ready2go, could I ask, why was it you who stopped work rather than your husband, if you earned so much more? Did you not like your job?

Sorry northcote luvvie but I have racked my brain to think of some trophy type wives at our (private) school and I really can't think of a single one!

The last 4 playdates my daughter has been on the mothers have been: woman who owns a successful local business and was home for the playdate, mum of 3 children under 5 (!) who does all the admin for her family's business during school hours, full time working mum who has a nanny, mum of 3 who works in marketing during school hours. I am the only non-salaried one amongst them! My husband would laugh out loud at the idea that he gets to come home and put his feet up - quite the opposite.

No issues with other mums as role models for my little girl. I just asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, slightly worried she was going to say "banker's wife" but thankfully she said "musician or experimenter". Not sure what experimenter is but I will assume scientist!

I do worry about my sons though, I agree with another poster who talked about boys being expected to work in a job that pays loads. I think that is very sad and I do keep trying to emphasise to my boys how important it is to do a job you enjoy. I worked in the City for 8 years and hated it for the last 3 years, would never go back to it and I don't want ANY of my children to have to feel they need to do a job they dislike just for the money.

BFW - your issues around working are one of the main reasons I am a SAHM, I just don't have the energy/brains/organisational skills to do both work and motherhood well. I greatly admire those who do.

As for the state and private debate - big downside of private schools is the incredibly long holidays! But then I have friends with children in state sector who bemoan their short holidays so I guess you can't win.

Diversity or lack of is an issue for me, but I am reminded that I grew up in a small town where everyone was white and spoke English as their first language. Not a lot of diversity there, and I think my children see more different cultures and classes just living in London than I ever did at my state school.

What a good thread – and civil which makes a nice change !
I am going to give you a different perspective on the working mothers. My mum was a SAHM – I have lovely memories of coming back from school and sitting down around the kitchen table after school and chatting about school / doing my homework while my mum prepared dinner. Maybe it’s a slightly romantic memory – I am sure there were fights and arguments too! But it makes me very sad to think that my children are missing out on this – by the time I get back from work at 6.30 we are all really tired, trying to finish homework, cook dinner and get everyone to bed together with trying to do the washing and sorting the house out.

And work wise – before my second I held a very senior position in the City and used to run a team of 20 people – I went back part time after my second to try and get a little balance (4 days a week so not that balanced but better than full time!) and as such had to relinquish certain aspects of my job.

So I feel guilty the whole time that I am not around my children more and that I miss out on a lot of their school matches and workwise I am definitely not as “senior” as I could be ! You can’t have it all…do I feel like a role model for my daughter ? Not sure I do actually - I feel more like a frazzled mum trying to keep on top of everything and not always succeeding!

That's a shocker mungomuffit!! Although actually, I got a scholarship to a private secondary school and my brothers went to the local state school so we may have looked like an interesting version of that to others I knew a bloke at school whose parents did what you describe - seemed a bit strange at the time...

The level of a mother's education is one of the best predictors of a child's attainment at school so definitely not a waste to get a good education

Can I please disagree vigorously with the person who said that an Oxbridge/Ivy League education is wasted on staying at home with children?

For what it's worth, I have an Oxbridge education, and I have been (mostly) at home with my children for the past six years. What could possibly be a better use of my education than helping my small children to develop a love of learning and inquisitive minds? Sure, there's a bit of drudgery too, but there was also quite a lot of dull admin in my previous City job.

I do share the concerns of earlier posters who say that our daughters (and sons) should have female role models with successful careers too, and my personal preference would be to work seriously again in the future. As a feminist, though, I think it's such a shame to belittle the traditional female job of bringing up children, instead of celebrating it as really important.

I know of one family that took their daughter OUT of a private school and sent her state so they could send their son to board.

They could just afford two sets of day school fees but the boarding fees were too much of a stretch.

I can imagine that sets the scene for some pretty heavy sibling resentment later on

Agree about worrying about the pressure on boys in some areas ready2pop - that's what I mean about choice for everyone really.