Hello Everyone
I promised to keep everyone informed and so wanted to do so.



We had the discussion and I used the children as the "excuse". Also paid for him to get independent legal advice.

Pre-nup is in place and wedding planned for later this year.

In all honesty it does mean I can relax and enjoy it all a bit more!

In case it hasn't been covered by others make sure he takes independant legal advice, otherwise there may be an argument that you were in an unfairly advantageous position (given you're in a professional career) and he didn't understand the implications etc.

(I'm not even going to state the blindingly obvious that what you're doing is very sensible

When you say he is being the house husband, is that because your children are at that age where they need care? Or because he works from home anyway writing? And you're kind of hoping you'll come home from work and find he's loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, vacuumed, done the laundry for you and the children and ironed, to boot?

If he's doing these things, I guess there is a value to his contribution. But how many women lose out on hubby's pension, etc, because their contribution to keeping the house going was assumed not worth calculating?

I'd like to think that writers aren't as malicious or calculating. But, if you're his meal ticket to be able to find the time to write without the pressure to succeed, things will turn ugly if this may be taken from him in future.

But I do get your excitement! Isn't being in love the best feeling ever.

Congratulations first of all! This is a topic I'd love to do a show. There's no easy way to start this conversation when one has more to lose than the other and more so if that one is the man.

And that is a must-have conversation. Especially when one of the two is bringing in substantially more into the relationship. Think Myleen Klass who ignored warnings from concerned onlookers. She was taken to the cleaners by her husband.

I was once engaged to someone who didn't even have the rented flat. He was a lodger in a two bedroom flat and didn't even have a bicycle and a kitchen porter in some restaurant. I had a 3 bedroom lease hold flat and a car and a job in PR.

I wasn't even asking for a prenup - wouldn't have had the nerve back then. But I did want him to know I wasnt about to run out and change the deeds on the flat, or anything like that. I told him that I felt it only fair that what I owned before we married would remain mine. He would have literally moved in with his goods in one suitcase. We could work and save together to get another property jointly, I felt. I got the shocked, reproachful look, the "well, had it been the other way around" speech.

Men bandy the term gold digger without hesitation if they have to pay for your coffee. But adjust quite marvelously when the woman is the breadwinner.

I was talking prenups with a friend and he was assuring me that the kind of woman he'd marry, it wouldn't be an issue. The naivety, bless the little lamb! No one marries planning to get divorced and it's very simplified thinking to suggest less faith in the relationship just because a pre-nup has been discussed.

For the sake of your children (Myleen Klass still had to pay out even though she had children and now assets that should have been part of their inheritance, he's using on his own life-style that will involve another partner - who may well inherit it all from him).

Keep us informed, please!

Pre nups are increasingly enforceable under English law (not in all circs but in some)

I agree it's not romantic but it is absolutely sensible. I have to say I would NOT broach it over a romantic dinner! I'd do it in an unromantic context eg while doing the washing up.

If you frame it as "if you were in my shoes, wouldn't you want this protection? Is it really fair that you could choose to leave and still get half what I've built up? Of course I don't think you will leave, and hopefully if you did you'd behave reasonably anyway, but this is just in case..." I think if he really tries to see it from your point of view he will hopefully see that it's fair... even if it is rather unromantic.

Best of luck.

By the way I'd give a man exactly the same advice.

thanks everyone for all your feedback, hugely useful.

I'll take legal advice and then take him out for dinner and drop the "P Bomb"

Hi, I feel for you... and have been in your shoes. Proposing a prenup is a challenging conversation to have in a period of premarital bliss. I have a friend who wanted to broach it but didn't, and her impoverished once-husband walked away with just about everything she had worked so hard to earn. Both my husband and I have significant assets, and I was the one who broached the topic of a pre-nup. The legal setting up of the prenup was very straightforward, but it did mean discussing some big 'what if's. It was hard, and there were a few arguments and I had some doubts. BUT... I'm a believer of what doesn't break you makes you, and if he is an understanding person, you'll weather any potential storms. I think the advice you've received about saying you want it to protect your children is a very astute way to phrase it. I'd suggest getting the legal counsel before you discuss it with him, as it can sound a bit daunting. Also, important to make clear that you're discussing assets that are pre-marital, and whatever each of you earn during your marriage is shared (by law). Good luck!

I know quite a few people with a pre-nup, it is a sensible option for anyone with a lot of money or property. I presume you've had the conversation before so this shouldn't be a shock. If not, I agree with the angle that it's making sure that, if things didn't work out short term, the children wouldn't be disadvantaged. If he is going to be house husband he should expect something and that's what his lawyer will negotiate. You'll need separate lawyers and the process won't be nice but once it's over you can file it away and hopefully never need it. They aren't legally binding in the UK but are taken into consideration in a divorce, so it's worth doing. If it's mainly the house you're concerned about you can draw up a letter of agreement rather than a prenup but I'm not a lawyer so you'd need advice on which would be better for you.
I don't think it shows any lack of love, it actually enforces that it is for love and not money that you are both getting married. Get it sorted quickly so it doesn't cloud the happy stuff.
…and, congratulations on the engagement!

Hi

I am an Employment lawyer working for quite a few parents who use this site, and just wanted to mention that my Family law colleagues, Jane McDonagh and Juliette Shaw, are very lovely, approachable people, and able to help with this kind of thing if anyone needs formal advice. They will always have a chat first for free, in confidence, so you can decide how you want to proceed.

Details here: http://www.smab.co.uk/services/family--children.aspx

Contact details: jane.mcdonagh@smab.co.uk and juliette.shaw@smab.co.uk, switchboard 020 3206 2700.

All the best,

Jo

I married a banker and went through the whole pre-nup process.
Just keep in mind that the closer to the wedding the pre-nup is signed, the less likely it is to stand up in court should it ever get that far. So get it drawn up and signed as soon as possible or it will be very hard for a court to uphold it.

Just wanted to add that your post sounds entirely reasonable to me. I signed a pre-nup with my husband as he brought a lot more financially into our marriage than I did. I never saw it as a sign that he didn't trust or love me, it is just pragmatic and realistic, and if anything prevents money being a simmering issue behind the scenes.

As long as you come up with a fair split of assets which are created whilst you are together (particularly if he is doing the childcare) then he should be fine, particularly as others have posted if you frame it around wanting to provide for your children.

that is a very difficult conversation to have, but you do need to ensure that your assets are protected for your children in case of divorce.

Is it possible to speak to a solicitor and get some advice about what you can do? if he is going to be a house husband he could easily argue that his earning potential has been adversely affected

Pre-nups aren't legally binding or enforceable in the UK but it's still worth having one as they will always be taken into considering when a divorce settlement is being made.

It sounds like a sensible move - and congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.

Hi
Thanks for the all the replies.

I want to get married because I love him, I think those are the usual reasons for getting married.

Why do you want to get married?

The best way to protect your assets is to not get married