Hello all,

You heard from me a few months ago when my daughter's phone was found in her "friend's" pocket. The replies I received varied. Today, my daughter had a meltdown after a slight disagreement about music practice

Over the last few weeks it has now transpired that her "friend" is not so much her friend and is making her feel very lonely at school. She is not bullying her however, she seems to be ridiculing her and leaving her out of group activities having invited her to take part.

The most painful aspect of all of this is my daughter has started biting herself. I am distraught.

I had reservations about this 'friend' from the beginning when I met her and her family. It seems I was right about her and my daughter now accepts this as she is making her very unhappy.

Sometimes, as a parent it pays to follow your sixth sense and I thank the few that supported my reservations and made me remain sceptical about this individual and how I would approach my dilemma with her.

My daughter is wary that there are various established groups in the class, none of which she feels she can fit into and so is unable to move away from this group. This is something she would like to do. There are students in other classes in the same year with whom she shares more interests with and I will be approaching the school to ascertain as to whether the years will be mixed as the students progress in school.

I am relieved my daughter finally found the courage to talk to me about this and if there is any advice anyone has, it would be greatly received.

Sea Hibiscus,
It was not funny at all and quite a real experience for me.
I completely agree with everything you said. But just to clarify, my mother was not to blame. It's just how the situation panned out. She was merely being a good mother and protecting her daughter. Neither of us were to know the repercussions.
I was speaking in hindsight and trying to be supportive of the mother seeking advice seeing as though I was upset by the other responses.

Funny to read that a mother was a effectively blamed for 'meddling' which resulted in bullying, sadly. Clearly it was the girl at fault as she stole the item... Letting children 'work it out for themselves' isn't always the solution and can have disastrous results. Many answers were harsh and just rude; as per usual on the Internet. I'm not aware that anyone here knows for definite what happened. Maybe it was an 'accident' though I think it seems unlikely the girl was unaware of the phone in her pocket. Maybe the child didn't want to give it back, didn't know who it belonged to or forgot about it. Regardless, you have every right to be concerned for your daughter and you wrote that she found the situation odd herself so clearly you aren't alone in this. At this stage, there is little to go on so I would keep an open mind still but never ignore your instincts Mama. The other girl may well be going through a tough time, however she is not your daughter and therefore not your priority. I think the mother was kind to ring you and it shows she was decent enough to want to have the phone returned. It's true, we might not like all our children's friends or even their families, but that is not always unfounded. Anyway, I hope the girls have a good friendship and your daughter does well at school and enjoys the experience. Wanting to protect your child is not irrational and I sympathise with you.

Thankyou Luahn for appreciating that a phone is an expensive item and for more.....

Just to add my bit...
My mother once meddled in a situation where a close friend stole something from my bedroom during a sleep over. My mother showed me the evidence (she didn't hide it very well) and encouraged me to talk to my friend about it.
I listened to my mother, despite wanting to just let her have the item she so clearly wanted and leave well alone. For many months to come, I ended up being a victim of bullying at school because she told all my classmates that I accused her of something she wouldn't do and completely turned the story around to the point where everyone believed her and thought I was a liar and trouble maker. I had a horrible school life after that as things just kept getting worse.
I wish I had never said anything. My mother, naturally, like you, was trying to protect me from such girls (I should probably mention that she came from a very good family - lovely parents, very religious and quite wealthy) and this kind of behaviour. I am a mother myself now, and I think I would be wary, just like my mother and just like you. But having the experience I did many years ago, I would probably just let my daughter work it all out for herself and try to put my feelings aside. After all, most of us end up seeing people for who they are eventually.
I don't agree with some of the harsh responses you got here. We live in a modern world where most children are given a mobile phone for safety reasons. Particularly if they are making their own way to or from school. And it most definitely is common courtesy to phone another child's parent when you've come across a lost, expensive item, to stop them from feeling anxious and worried and possibly driving around trying to search for the missing item.

Try to trust your daughter in her own judgement on the issue. She is 11 and old enough to start forming her own opinions and problem solving.

I wish you all the best - you are a good mother x

Grandma10 thankyou so much for your post - your words were really food for thought and I will take this on board as I probably would have acted in a completely opposite manner. Annieo, my daughter has experienced death and divorce. However, she has been very protected and I have to admit she is probably still quite childish in her approach to life which I do love and now she is in Senior School I realise she will faced with different challenges as part of her growing and learning process.

Cynic - I guess I was thinking along your lines. The Mother rang early the next morning and was quite determined to get through as I missed four calls, then accidentally cut one off then she rang again immediately....that was the one I answered.
Ally30_1998 I love the thought that my children's friends might still keep in touch because maybe I made a difference as Grandma10 clearly did.

I thank you for your views with this dilemma. The last few posts were greatly received and have given me solid advice on how to move forward positively with this situation I found myself in. I guess that was more what I was looking for, rather to be berated on the type of phone my daughter has or being criticised for wanting to let both the parent and child know that the phone was safe immediately. I hope to give my daughter's friend more of time as I do not really know what goes on behind her closed doors and am making massive assumptions......

In the long run I am sure my daughter will appreciate my future actions hereon to no end with her friends.

Thanks NappyValley Mummies!

The friends grandad has cancer and you think her family calling you that very evening should be their priority??!! IMO thats unreasonable...
I guess every family's degree of courtesy is different...in this situation i am not sure i would have called, as the girls were going to meet in the morning in any case..

I echo what Grandma10 said. I also welcomed all my son's freinds in to the home and fed them, had them to stay etc, and now they are all in their 20's and my son has left home, they still drop by independently to see how we are and update us on their news.
Have faith in your daughter to come to her own judgements about people, because she will,given time and space.
My son at 21 is now quite a keen judge of character, despite being on the autistic spectrum.

As many posters have pointed out the most likely explanation here is accidental, or third party, or some random pathway that one cannot fathom. I think you recognise that, but your sixth sense' be telling you something is up.

Ok so maybe your daughter's friend was aware of the phone, but if so she has at worst acted mischievously, acting-up in a way quite understandable if she is stressed or going through an unhappy time.
(If she has taken someone phone she has taken the phone of one off her best friends, not the actions of a thief)
I think it is interesting that the other mum has telephoned you, rather than simply wait til the following day and this is perhaps what your sixth sense.

Maybe the other mum has become aware of her daughter's actions and has decided to call you part of the process of disciplining her child. While she has done this to point out to her child that what she has done is very wrong, she has also wanted not to make too big a thing of it (who would want their child, especially if they are acting-up to be labelled a 'thief')
This sounds like a difficult but quite sensible parenting decision that I'm sure you could actually have sympathy for?

Wow, what a truly inspiring post from Grandma10! Very wise words and nearly brought me to tears (not sure I can blame the baby hormones after a year). Thankyou for that - it has made me stop and really think, which in the world we live in is a massive achievement.

I can totally understand the difficulty of adapting to secondary school behaviours and norms with your first child. It really is a different world. Parents don't usually call each other about things found in blazers/sports bags/school bags. The kids are expected to manage all that themselves. That mother who rang you was exceptionally thoughtful in fact (and my eldest is in year 10 now, my godchildren are at university and A Level). As many other posters have said it is totally normal that they don't hear their own phones ringing, that they pick up each other's things, that they don't remember from one minute to the next what they've been doing - our responsible self managing 11 year olds regress hugely in many ways over the next few years. I suggest you read a book called "Blame my Brain" and it will really help you to be ready for the changes to come in your daughter....and her friends. It seems to me that it is natural for us as parents to take a lot longer to adapt to the change and development than our young people.
Apart from this natural adaptation we go through at this state, there's one other reflection I'd like to make and I hope it gives you a good feeling about your life rather than make you feel attacked, which is not my intention. You are a very very very lucky woman if your 11 year old child has not had to face 'issues' in life yet. Death, cancer, divorce, illness, disability, natural sadness, learning difficulties, social problems...stalk everyone's life no matter who you are and how young you are. What great fortune to have an 11 year old who doesn't have issue to deal with. Count your blessings, thank your lucky stars - and don't ever assume that other children are as lucky as yours.

My children are now grown up and I have 10 grandchildren. I know how we worry about our young and try to protect them. My son in particular had loads of friends, some of whom seemed very "dodgy" to me. I made a practice of always welcoming them into our home for meals and overnight stays. I think I might have lost a few items into pockets occasionally but understood they had stuff going on I knew nothing about. I thought it safer for them to be under my roof than out on the streets.
Two of these came to my son's wedding and made a point of telling me that being welcomed into our home when they were having a hard time in theirs had made a big difference to them.
Try not to be judgemental about your daughter's friend. If she did take the phone, there is something wrong in her life - particularly since she already has one of her own. Be kind because she may need it. Go on - make a difference.

I also think you are overreacting, life at secondary is very different from primary,kids are expected to stand on their own 2 feet and phone calls between parents def frowned upon by the kids...
As for the phone, mine have lost theirs several times and yes i do block the sim now they are on contract pretty quickly (when they were younger on PAYG I was prepared to lose the £5 credit), however NEVER order a replacement until it has had time to turn up (up to 2 weeks if left on the underground).
My kids seem to rarely hear their own phone if I call,let alone a strange one, maybe your child is on the ball and listens out, but I can tell you many teenagers don't.
As always, advise her to keep her phone safe, not to flaunt it and look after it. However let it go with the friend, if you have reservations about her from gut feeling then just keep an eye out, it takes all sorts to make a world and the sooner we encounter them the sooner we can make our own judgments as children and grow into balanced adults.

Another vote here for being too tough on the friend. The mum called you and made sure the phone was returned. I don't think there's anything sinister going on here. I'd advise my child it was their responsibility to take care of their phone.

Personally, you are definitely overthinking this.

[quote][/quote]"My daughter also mentioned that her friend is "stressed" right now and "has issues to deal with"....really at 11 years old? She told me her grandfather has cancer."

Er, yes, I think having a Grandfather with cancer could be deemed as an ever-so-slightly stressful situation to have to deal with at 11..