Petal, the life I knew was shattered over 4 years ago when I discovered my husband was having an affair. A completely shocking bolt out of the blue. Didn't see it coming and I believe that it has shocked my husband just as much. A betrayal does not need to be forgotten, but it needs to be FORGIVEN to enable any hope of moving on. Forgiveness is only for me, doesn't make the behaviour right or wrong, it allows me to live peacefully with myself. It is not easy, but it is certainly worth the hard work and challenge. I also look for the good in our situation. It has pushed me into learning so much about people/behaviours/life/transitions and just how much I had taken my life for granted. I am excited and intrigued by it. I am becoming a better version of me because that is who I want to be, for me. I have looked at who I had unwittingly become and am truly thankful for the wake-up call.

I believe people divorce after affairs because society pushes them that way. I have fought hard and long to find support in my decision to fight for my marriage. The overwhelming majority are negative. I am still fighting.

Mid life crisis is VERY real. I can see how my husband's behaviour has destroyed him. I do not need to add to that destruction. I can use the lessons learnt to change the stuff that lead to that behaviour in the first place because we have solid foundations and this will turn around in time. I am prepared to give it time.

If I jump ship without resolving the issues we have then our lives will forever have a black cloud hanging. If we resolve and find that we have no real issues then we rebuild to a better future. If we resolve and find there is nothing left to save then we head off into our lives knowing that it was the right thing to do. Why do you think there are so many children caught up in bitter and fractured lives created by the adults that they trust most in this world giving up just because the going got tough? And all the knock on effects of that moving through future generations. Not to mention the blended families, new issues from future relationships that turn out to be worse than the ones left behind…..

I have been suicidal - a frightening place so alien to anything that I ever knew, one daughter self-harming and repeating a year in school, the other an unplanned pregnancy. All fall-outs from the affair. But it is in the past. We survived. We are all stronger. We can't change it. We can learn from it and move forward into better and happier lives. It was our opportunity to make the changes that need to be made. It was not the end of the World. Our future is our to create..

'He should at least have been thinking about his children and their future'

Well he obviously wasn't at the time of the affair. We ALL have 'SHOULDS' in our lives. Doesn't make us bad people, just means that we behave badly sometimes.

It seems to me that they are BOTH 'thinking about their children and their future' NOW as they are looking to repair their marriage.

If this is the case then they need support and help to reach that goal.

The question posed at the end of the initial post 'is it as bad as it seems?'… I would bet the answer to that one is a definite NO. It all depends on how much imagination has taken a hold as opposed to actual facts about actions, thoughts, beliefs etc and what it all means to the particular people involved - which will be VERY different to each and everybody else's meaning.

Focus on what you want, not what you don't want. Look for the good. Appreciate everything that you have. Don''t allow the affair to poison your mind. Don't allow it to push you into doing, saying or thinking in ways that are not you. Whilst you keep adding fuel to it you keep it alive. Kill it off in your mind. Take away all value and it will die off and become a nothing. Taking 100% responsibility for your own part in this does NOT have anything to do with taking the blame for his actions. It is you looking at YOUR part (which may awaken some uncomfortable truths), fixing things about yourself that you CHOOSE to fix and then rebuilding a better and stronger marriage moving forwards. It can be done. If you want it to. Shut your ears to other peoples' negativity and do whatever feels right for you.

Like I said amazing isn't it that all these husbands blame us....look at the last post.
Please, please don't believe anything he comes out with along those lines --- there might be faults on both sides but NOTHING you have done has driven him to this. It's his choice, his actions, he should at least have been thinking about his children and their future.

Very sadly I know exactly what you are going through because my husband has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with a girl he works with for about 18 months. We have three children all under 11 and we are devastated by it, especially as before this started we were in a happy, normal and loving marriage (or so I believed). He is 44 and is effectively having a mid life crisis, this girl is 10 years younger, and he got distracted and wanted "space". He gets angry when I approach the subject of this girl, refuses to talk about it and completely denies it, even though I have found dinner receipts, restaurant reservations, emails to her saying "wish you were here", holiday bookings etc etc. He blames me for our marriage break down, citing our sex life and him wanting space as the reasons, both of which, in my opinion, could have been resolved. I completely empathise with what you're going through, it's awful, and even a year on, it's still no easier. If you have good friends and family, make the most of them and don't be afraid to ask for help. Unless he is prepared to tell the truth, which my husband hasn't been prepared to, then I can't see a way of working it out.

So sorry your are going through this - I know how it feels.

My husband had an affair and at the time denied it, made me feel like I was being paranoid even though I "knew" he was (but had no absolute proof).

Anyway you don't need to know the details of what happened to me but just to give you another perspective.

It was hell for a long time but we did work it out - we went to counselling as a couple and individually with the same person for almost a year - that was about 4 years ago and we are now still together.

We couldn't begin to work things out until he was honest. We both had to take responsibility for why the marriage wasn't working in the first place and both had issues to resolve there. However he had to take COMPLETE responsibility for the affair - nothing, no matter how bad the marriage was excuses that (in my opinion) and also for making me feel like I was going crazy for suspecting it. But with a lot of time and effort on both parts we did move past it.

I remember long days of feeling almost like it was a dream (or should I say nightmare), also that I would never get over it or cope without him. To be honest we separated for about 5 months and I was starting to realise that I could in fact cope without him, that life while different than I expected would still be ok, even though I never really gave up hope that we could it work it out.

Find a good friend you can rely on to talk to (though do remember that if you do work it out it has to be someone you can trust to respect your decision and stay friends with him if you stay together).

If you don't have someone like that then talk to relate or the samaritans or go on online forums etc.

Good luck with however things work out and stay strong.

Really sorry to hear about this, well worth getting in touch with Relate:

http://www.relate.org.uk/

Hope that you manage to work things out.

ATB,
Jon

Yes I have, and I remember the pain, the awful pain that wouldn't go away all day, wouldn't let me sleep, made me feel like I was going to go out of my mind.
I feel so sorry for you, but the only hope I can girvr is that evetually it will lessen, it will get slightly easier.
My husband left me a month before our baby was born, telling me he didn't love me and didn't want the baby. This had come after I had found a strange email from a woman on his computer which he had left open. Of course he swore blind I was 'mad, jealous, driving him away etc. etc." Has your husband done this yet..made you feel like this is all your fault, it seems a common theme amongst women this has happened to. You are being jealous, crazy etc. no he hasn't done anything, when all along they have.
He came back after out baby was born, still swearing blnd nothing had happened. But then this woman started phoning me....turned out they had had a full blown romance. He'd even gone to a wedding with her, met her parents!!
Still he denied it all, she was mad now. Had fancied him but he wasn't interested now she was lying...well that held up to she sent me all the phtos of them at said wedding and other times!!
I then found a phone with text msgs between them, it was hell reading them but I'm glad I found it because I wasn't mad after all, it was all true. That mad me get very angry and helped because I no longer desperately wanted him to stay, I just wanted him out but he wouldn't go.
We soldiered on, he dumped the girl. Our marriage never recovered but I think that was more to do wth other things than just the affair. lesssons I learned.
You have to believe in instinct, don't let them convince you you are crazy, knonwing the truth helps, you find a sort of peace and you come out fighting, if only for youself. it hurts like hell, the pain is almost as bad as someone dying you are close to, but it does get better.
He does have to tell you the truth before you can even begin to heal this marriage, but be prepared for it to be a lot lot worse than you think and maybe in some ways it might be better not to know everything because you are tortured by it. I would try to calmly sit down and plead with him to tell you the truth, explain you are going out of your mind and beg him to help. If he won't look for other proof, text msgs, emails etc.
Do seek help, I had counselling and medication, it helped. If you really love him then seek help together and try to forgive, it doesn't sound to me like he wants to leave you. But it is YOUR choice, put your children first. But not by staying married when you feel you can't. Two unhappy parents are no good for children.
Finally DO NOT ever accept that this is your fault, not if he tries to blame you, sex wise, behaviour wise, looks wise, he had the affair, you did not drive him to it. You will for months swing between anger, sadness, despair, at times I felt suicidal, but eventually like a bereavement it does start to lift. And now years later I can look back and think 'you idiot' I feel sadness but I have gone on. As for the girl, sorry I never found it in my heart to feel sympathy for her, he had told her a whole host of lies, but she knew he was married and there were children involved. Anyway all my best wishes..xxx

Lots of sympathy. I totally understand the sense of bereavement and all consuming thoughts.
If you are in love with the person who cheated then the emotional fallout is devastating and rumbles on for some time.
If you can access counselling definitely do that. Even if it doesn't help your relationship, it will help you work through your feelings in a safe space.
FWIW, you can come back from a situation like this. Although I would also say, that while it's helpful to take stock of what might have led to the situation, one person deciding to have an affair is nobody's fault but their own.
There are also many ways to have a marriage and a relationship. (Relating to what another posted about Tony Robbins....good motivational stuff... But not the only route through life).
One question I would ask is what proof you have of this affair? A feeling isn't enough (although it can sometimes be right) to put yourself through all this pain.
If you have absolute proof (text messages discussing recent meetings, etc) and he refuses to admit things then you have more problems with each other than him having an affair. The affair is just the tip of the ice-berg. But if he is willing to go to counselling with you and you want to stay with him then go for it.
I agree with what another poster said though, that ultimately, your other half has to want to prefer your intimate company to anyone else's and that's what needs to be addressed at a base level. No rules for that one though as each person is unique and has unique needs.
Good luck and try to keep busy and amongst people to stop yourself going bananas.

Hi Golden Pickle,

This is a big one, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. First of all, it would help to know whether he cheated or not, with certainty. If you can, hire someone, if you can't or don't want to, presume that he might have, might not have, but don't pester him about it without definite proof. Trying to get a confession out of him is just going to wear you down and he is going to loose his respect for you even more. I think the main thing that you need to work on here is for your husband to respect you as he should and to start chasing you instead of this other woman if that's what he is doing. You will not achieve this by talking and therapy, sadly men just don't respond well to any of that. Anything is possible here, so try to figure out what is best for you and also, make sure you stay on the top of this as you don't want any surprises, there is too much at stake here, financially, emotionally and otherwise. I am happy to chat more. x

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this - it's not easy at all.
The problem is that whether your husband did or didn't have an affair (and that may mean different things to you both also which would contribute to you not agreeing on whether or not he has) the suspicion of it is now in your relationship and causing a lot of problems. It is very hard for you both to work on your marriage with that suspicion sitting there as the enormous elephant in the room.
I would strongly recommend that you get someone external to help you both work through this, whether counselling or coaching. Admittedly I am biased as a couples coach but I know how much coaching can really help couples. As a coach I start from 'what do you both want?' And ''what's going on right now' & 'what needs to happen for your relaionship go get back on track?' Rather than focusing on what may have happened in the past. Your partner may be more comfortable with a coaching approach too as it is very forward focused and not about who is to blame etc. You are welcome to have a free sample session with me (via Skype or face to face in wimbledon) and as part of that process couples each fill in a questionnaire - in itself that can be very revealing for what's going on in the relationship. My website is http://www.thecouplescoach.co.uk.
Regardless of whether it is me or someone else I really hope you can together reach out for some external support to help you through this. It is encouraging that you both recognise that you need to work on the relationship and are willing to try.
Wishing you all the best and sending a friendly hug,
Sue x x

…just to be clear….

I am NOT talking about staying in a relationship with someone who cheats.

I am talking about sorting through the issues that created the problem in the first place with both taking full responsibility for the role they played (and they are both 100% responsible for their own part) and then going on to create 'an affair proof marriage' going forward so that there is no need for anyone to give any thought as to whether the partner is cheating moving forward because it is no longer a possibility - all 6 human needs are being met within the marriage so no-one has to go outside of it to get any of those needs met in the future.

Tony Robbins has a lot of information on the 6 human needs with both a website and on youtube…..

"Sorry your husband has done this. If he doesn't respect you enough to admit what he has done and that it's his fault entirely he doesn't love you and isn't worth trying with. It takes respect to rebuild"

What a sweeping statement! No proof that he doesn't love you, these are just the thoughts of someone else who may have had a hurtful experience in the past.

I would suggest that you stop thinking about it all the time (easier said that done, so maybe chunk it down to half hour stretches every hour?) and get on with finding useful resources to help you both work on the marriage. It is your thinking that is creating your own discomfort, so dwell on all the good stuff instead of the bad. Sounds as if you are both wanting to keep together so I would suggest that you look up Michelle Weiner Davis who is absolutely PRO marriage - ANY problem can be worked through, and it only takes one to get started. Another suggestion is Stacey Martino - also PRO marriage. Would warn against couple counselling unless they are also PRO marriage. I would also warn against discussing your suspicions with friends and family because long after the two of you have sorted through your issues they will remember the stuff you have said in your darkest hours and will want to protect you.

There is a snapshot of society here in the replies that you have had suggesting that you 'walk away'. You don't have to. YOU get to choose. You can choose to stay and find out the whys and figure out the fixes. It can be done. The easy short term answer is to walk and then face all the negative consequences for the rest of your life. The hard, longer term answer is to stay and work it out and the outcome of that one will create a better and happier life for you all.

I am happy to talk if you want some support.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, if you my opinion from another angle. My father cheated on my mother repeatdly when I was 16, and he continued for years, sleeping with a women who had cared for his old nanny who he felt sorry for because her boyfriend beat her and her son was in prison for stealing and drugs. She introduced him to other women and he would sleep with all of them. My mother found out on New Years eve when they turned up at the door to the flat we owned where we were all having dinner with friends.
He claimed it was because my mother never had time for him, was too busy writing. My mother always was there for him had dinner on the table etc,
She stayed with him for another 6 years and he still did it behind her back and although she new she stayed until we were all adults then she left him.
Although it was hard things were so much better when my mother left my father, there was less stress in the house and she was so much happier as although she was worried how we would all cope, it allowed us to have a better relationship with him as although I can't forgive him for what he did it meant that when I do see him I don't have to worry that he is upsetting my mum,
Her life is so much better without him and although she found it really hard especially after 40 years of marriage it meant she could move on,
My advice is although it will be hard for your children they need to be put first, as do you, even if you do sort it out will you ever stop wondering if he will do it again, or if he is late home from work etc will you always have in the back of your mind where is he. If he can't be honest it means he is not ready to move on and admit, my father never did even now years later, he still denies it even with the proof we found. Sadly some men never do and think it is ok to cheat, ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around.
Good luck and keep strong

http://www.healthychat.co.uk/

Would recommend giving Jennifer a ring.

Hi Golden Pickle:
Very sorry to hear about your experience. I have not been inn it personally but I felt so much empathy for you. I agree and disagree at the same time with some of the feedback you have received. The affair is all his fault, of course, because he controls his own actions..... but perhaps a little soul searching on both your parts will lead you to better understanding on what was less than ideal about your marital foundation, wha you both contributed and what you can do to improve it together. That said, his ambiguity and defensiveness are totally shady. Full stop. Trust your instinct. If he can't admit his part, if he can't give you the details you deserve, the details that empower you to make decisions you need to walk away if you desire a relationship where you can trust his monogamy. There is a very sex/ relationship positive podcast called SavageLove that is funny, and endearing. You can search them based on topic. Highly recommend. You know what you need to do, better than me or anyone on this board, or your mom,sister,friend etc.