I like your suggestion Designdad , however, I preface this with the sensitive kind bit .
Women like the foreplay/prefacing and all kind acts are suitably "rewarded" .
If it makes us feel good, you have done good.
There is nothing more sexy than a man taking care of small chores. Mine is at the sexiest when unloading/loading the dishawasher ;)
Candles, some aromatherapy and romantic lighting helps too.

And yes, ask her what she wants. When she is telling you , do not justify , do not say you have done it ...just listen .
You obviously love her a lot . Remind her why you guys go together in the first place and please dont do anything do exacerbate the insecurities.....

all the best .

I will probably get flamed for my suggestion below but may be she is feeling that she is less desirable now that she is getting to menopause and her primary evolutionary/biological function of child bearing is coming to an end - even if you never planned on having more children I know the realisation that it is no longer possible can be a psychological pain/scar. It was for my sister who had to have a radical hysterectomy etc. It took some time for her to come to terms will the finality of that part of her life - even if it was not on the agenda.

So maybe you need to summon up your inner caveman, remind her why married her, and are still married to her, and so long as her size 8 has not become size 18 and you risk a hernia, I'd slap her nicely on the bottom throw her over your shoulder and carry her upstairs and tickle her and ( rest editted for good taste) - well hopefully remind her that you love her, share her pain and that one benefit is that their will be no future consequences for an afternoon of adult play.....

standing by for flames

Hi Broken Dad

First off recognise that whatever you do it will be wrong!!! :D

Just kidding, obviously. But there is an element of truth in it. Often we assume we know what the other person wants and try to do it but actually it can be the complete opposite of what they want - I see this frequently when I'm coaching couples. So, the best thing to do is to ask her what she wants from you right now in terms of support. (Better not to do this in the middle of a mood swing moment if you value your life!).

Simple questions and with the language that works for the two of you. Eg 'When you're in one of those bonkers moments (or however the two of you refer to them) how do you want me to be?' 'Would you rather I clear off out of the way or does that make it feel worse?" Do this is a way that doesn't make her mood swings her fault / wrong or blame them as none of that will help.

Listen when she's ranting about something and try and look for what is the request behind the complaint. Eg she says 'you are a selfish pig, you leave rubbish everywhere and expect me to pick it up' actually means 'please can you be more tidy because I'm finding the mess overwhelming at the moment'. There will always be a request it might just be a bit hidden in rant.

Try not to react and go into combat mode yourself. Hard to do but no good will come of it. When an argument has happened try and build bridges or hold out an olive branch asap, in the long run you will be both benefit from it.

Show her you care. You will know what works with this - some people like small gifts, some like to be complimented, some just want a cuddle etc. Think back to when you last really made her smile and do more of that.

Good luck Broken Dad - hang on in there.

Sue, http://www.thecouplescoach.co.uk
"Helping relationships go from good, or even pretty crap, to great (or at least better!)"

Ah, could be my husband, too! I agree with the "then do it" from Michele 8 :)

OMG - is this my husband? The tagline Broken Dad, broke my heart a little. Talk to her. Make some time or take her out and talk to her.

Seriously any suggestions for treatment / help would be very helpful for those of us going through this. No one ever talks about this and those that do are usually trying to sell you something.

Help out more. Be sensitive and kind. Offer to help and then do it.

Be kind and and remember this too shall pass :)

Hi I am clearly posting this for a friend. But if say this friend is living with a perimenopausal woman then would anyone have any sensible advice on handling what some have described as mood swings (others as fighting talk)?

He informs me that it is like living with a particularly stroppy teenage girl albeit with a much shorter fuse. As much as he enjoys 24 hour verbal combat I sense that he may be flagging.

All sensible or humorous replies gratefully received. He does realise that that he may need to alter his MO.

Thank you.