Hi Lucylu4976
My heart reaches out to you. It would be challenging enough for you without the added pregnancy, so be easy on yourself. Allow yourself to chunk it down. Tell yourself that you only have to sort out today then it will feel more manageable. If that is too big, chunk it down to getting through this morning, or afternoon, or even just the next hour. On the day of the NCT let yourself decide in the hour beforehand as to whether in that moment you feel like going along or not. Our feelings are constantly changing so allow yourself to make decisions only as and when necessary and not a decision now that you cannot go along at any future time.

You started and finished with being 'lost for words and beyond understanding what men can do'. It is not just men, it can be women too, we are all humans and we all act in ways that are incomprehensible to others. However, this is your partner's behaviour, not that of men in general, or women for that matter.

It is his behaviour and he appears to be reaping the outcome of choices he has made, and by admitting he has an issue he may be considering ways to change those behaviours. We all deserve the opportunity to make right whatever we may have done wrong, but that can only happen when those around us can separate the behaviour from the actual person doing the behaviour. The person you fell in love with is still the same person, just a little off track in his thinking!

Find your inner strength. You have it. I can read it in your words. This whole thing will make you even stronger and although it may seem terrible right now in the moment - look for the positive and focus on that. Believe me, it works.

Hi All

I am lost for words on what men can do - I am 7 months pregnant and on Friday discovered that my partner of 3 years who I thought we had a happy future together had been cheating on me and is some kind of sex addict. He has slept with other women certainly since last June and probably the whole time we have been together. I simply had no idea.

I am utterly destroyed. He has admitted that he needs help and is ill.

There is no need for punishment or revenge as he is resigning from his career of 15 years, where high morals are crucial, he has lost his car, his home and his dignity to all of his colleagues and friends. His eldest son from his previous marriage doesnt want to ever speak with him again.

I am completely lost and devastated - I look at him and despite being filled with anger I am also full of worry and concern as he truly has lost everything becuase of his actions.

I dont know how I can live in our house that we renovated together without him and I simply can't go through labour and the early stages without him.

I live in SW london and really like living here but dont have many friends and was really hoping that I would meet them at the NCT classes - how do I go to them on my own.

So I am utterly beyond understanding men.

Err... Obviously there's some good and bad advice in this thread. I dont mean to be rude, but if you want a divorce all you need to do is adopt InvisibleWoman's approach to the problem. It takes two to screw up a marriage. InvisibleWoman has perhaps missed the point made by people of all sexes in this thread, or is guilty of being a little obtuse. Yes, his behaviour may be because he is an evil selfish mysogenist who has transformed beyond all recognistion from the man you married. Or, it is a symptom of a general unhappiness eith some feature of his or your lives. I doubt he is 100% at fault, but has been a 100% prize plonker (figurativrly speaking of course).

Chin up. Let us know how you get on. You are not alone in your dilemma.

Oh Giggles. My heart aches for you and the difficult position that you're in. I have read everyone's opinions and so here is my humble opinion. You have had HIS baby which has altered your body temporarily and changed both your lives forever and he has chosen not to meet the challenge of parenthood but to do this to you. I do not think that this is a typical man's behaviour. His behaviour is weak, crude and selfish and demean's your commitment to your children and to your relationship and yet he seeks to blame you for his actions. This man needs to man-up and take responsibility for his actions. He has behaved appallingly. You have been busy looking after his child and yet he chooses not to support you, your child, your marriage but to say "poor neglected me! Why don't I send penis pictures to complete strangers" which violates that relationship in such a disgusting way. Whether you choose to stay or go, just remember that he sounds like a weak man and that you are the strong one who is doing all the right things for your family. Either way he is lucky to have you! Stay strong and remember that whatever happens that there are so many people who will support you either way for just for being you. stay strong wonderful giggles. X x

Whilst I would not seek to justify you husband's behavior, from a man's perspective I think in his mind his actions are probably far less significant than you would see them as being. He thinks it's a few photos, not an affair. He is probably craving attention (as most men do, let's face it) and feeling neglected. The worst thing that can happen is for this to destroy your self confidence. I suggest, as others have said, that you have an open and honest conversation with each other. Focus on the improvements that both of you can make to the relationship and avoid talk of fault and blame. If he is a serial cheater and has no interest in sorting this out then I take my comments back, but don't throw a marriage away because of a stupid decision that he made in a moment of weakness.

No need to apologise Souza, I thank you for sharing your thoughts about what I had written as it enabled me to better clarify the message I was attempting to portray. It alerted me to the fact that if you had misinterpreted me, then the chances were high that many other people had to! So many thanks for that!

Thank you also Geo72 for your kind support. As you can probably tell, it is something that I am very passionate about!

Hi Sheds - Thanks for your EXCELLENT posts I totally agree.

I must apologise is my post appeared to be 'arguing' or disagreeing with your EXCELLENT posts - not at all. I think you have made EXCELLENT points - and very articulately too

You appear to have misinterpreted my post Souza! I was talking about a REASON and pointed clearly it was not an EXCUSE.

You, and the majority of the male population, wouldn't act in such a terrible manner because your own set of morals would not allow you to, and that is highly commendable.

Some men, and indeed some women act out in this way for whatever unique reason to them drives them to do so.

Amongst the many differences between men and women is the way in which they interpret things and that is fundamentally due to the difference in our wiring. By way of an example:

Men tend to want to get straight to the point.
Women tend to enjoy sharing the journey of getting there.

Nothing wrong with either, but an understanding of each other can help to create a more productive outcome as the expectation of the other person's response is then more in line with what it turns out to be.

This is not an attack on men or women. It is not an attempt to stereotype an image of male psychology, or female psychology, it is just presenting an opportunity to think differently about the other person's actions, with a better understanding of what is happening and perhaps why. Everyone on this planet thinks differently, with perhaps the greatest difference being between male and female.

To really know what the other person is thinking, the only real way to find out is to ask, for no-one else can possibly know; it is just their own thoughts shared with the best of intentions.

I'm also a bloke...& my heart goes out to the original poster. My advice would also be counselling - preferably couple counselling - and if the husband refuses to engage with remedial actions - it is another pointer that a new life - a much HAPPIER life - awaits without this man.

As a male - I certainly can't justify sending sexual pictures to other women on the excuse that 'I'm a man...men are wired like that....and my wife didn't give me enough attention'.

That is the stereotyped image of male psychology - but as a male - I certainly would never act in such a terrible manner.

Good Wishes to the Original Poster...Thinking of You and Your Children...as other have said - please don't be afraid of the unknown - when one door closes-life opens lots of new doors. Stay Strong

I agree totally with James and Pookienoo. I have been through much of what you're going through. Being on your own is way, way better than being in a loveless unhappy marriage with no real and fulfilling family life. I stayed for a long time, but I don't think it benefited my children, as they were aware it was a toxic place to be. A friend and I were recently talking about this and agreed that if you do split up, it's better to do so while children are young because they never really know the family unit or the concept of being part of a family, so they don't grieve as much. Older children do, and they often blame themselves.

Of course, the ideal is that we all live happily ever after but the reality is, sadly, not so. My husband had an affair when my daughter was a baby. It devastsated me - yes, I was neglecting him a little, but I was unsupported, had no family to help me, and was trying to cope with everything. It wasn't a conscious neglect but many men need affirmation and attention. So, despite the fact that you may be viewing it as taking care of his child, the neglect and lack of attention towards him, is what he will focus on. Not all men are like this. Some are. And if they are, then they may well turn to the many online sites out there catering for people who want to sext, meet, chat etc. In many cases, these 'encounters' are pretty harmless and simply fulfil in a narcissistic way. Of course, your husband is justifying it as you not giving him attention...

Also I've only recently appreciated just how visual men are. I strongly believe my husband was turned off me from the moment he watched me give birth. And I gained weight in pregnancy which I never managed to shift. In my view, I was now a mother as well as his wife and I believed he'd find me attractive and sexy, no matter what. But he didn't. I am not saying that you should change, but it is something to be aware of. Men are very, very visual, which is why many of them watch ****** or enjoy the attention of an attractive woman. You mustn't beat yourself up about any of this, but I think it's a common problem that having children can wreak havoc with your relationship.

No one can tell you what to do. Being a single mother is hard, of course, but to be honest being in a couple without support from your husband is no better. And at least, on your own, your ego and self-esteem won't take a battering.

That is fantastic Pookienoo that you have gone on to find a happier life and is brilliant that 'Giggles' can hear success stories if she decides to take that route. I feel your love and support for her and how much you have benefited from the path you took and am truly happy for you.

It is equally important to keep in mind that it is just that, YOUR success story as a result of YOUR circumstances, beliefs and actions.

'Giggles' has her own story that is being created by her own circumstances, beliefs and actions which are TOTALLY different. Different people, different actions, different thoughts, different blueprints, different circumstances leading to the different situation they are in now. Today, 'Giggles' is putting a meaning on her husband's actions which are driving her own response. If she wakes up tomorrow and gives them a different meaning, she will in turn have a different response. Just a very slight change in thought results in a completely different course of events and outcome..

It is the MEANING that you choose to give that drives the action or worse, REACTION that you give in response, which is then acted/reacted to depending on the MEANING the partner gives to that response…. and so the cycle continues until someone decides to break it….. If you THINK you can't mend the relationship then you are 100% right, you can't…but if you THINK you can, you can…..

These are just my thoughts…..not right or wrong, just mine!

Hi I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I just want to say that I split up with my husband when my children were very little. I found texts to another woman when I was pregnant with my second child but because I was pregnant I stayed. It was the wrong thing to. We did split up after my second son was born. I found out then that he had been unfaithful quite a few times through out our relationship. I was scared and very sad at the time and felt my whole life with him was a lie. Being a single mum is not terrible and you end up having a very close bond with your children. I am now a very happy person. I am married again and have a wonderful loving relationship and I am very thankful that I split up with my first husband as I could never have been happy in that unloving environment. Please do yourself a favour and get away from him, it is no good for you and not what children should see as a normal relationship. After I grieved for the loss of my relationship I was a much happier person. I am lucky to have found someone else who truly loves me but even if I had not I was still happier as a single parent than being in a loveless marriage. I hope this helps you and good luck you will be ok.

Thank you Geo72 for that link to Stephen Hedger - have had a quick look and he is SO much in alignment with my way of thinking and learning. I am truly grateful to you for putting his name on my radar today, my life will rapidly be moving into an even more positive place than it is already….I really can't thank you enough!

And a massive thank you to 'Giggles' too, for enabling that information to come through to me today….

Couldn't agree more James27, I have recently been exploring and beginning to understand the actual differences between men and women. It is extremely helpful for women to hear from men, such as yourself, just how differently you think and behave in given situations. These are NOT excuses, they are REASONS, we are wired up differently and understanding this goes a long way towards healing and moving forwards….

its a bit of a tricky situation. I think there is a tenedency to over-analyse the "why". In my experience men (of which i am a member) are invariably uncomplicated when it comes to such things. He doesnt feel great about something and is hunting for someone to make him feel like a million dollars. Invariably that comes from (a) work (b) his mates or (c) other women. If (a) isnt going so well, and he's under constant pressure not to do (b), then...

If you want to make it work, telling him he's being an idiot isnt going to help. He knows he is but feels what he is doing is justified because of hiw he is feeling. Telling him will make him get defensive, feel cornered, and he'll say horrible things back which he probably doesnt mean. Then you'll threaten to take his kids away and he'll hate you forever. Nor will he be over enthusistic about seeing a counsellor to talk about his feelings because he might end up telling the truth about how he's feeling which, in his mind, will be worse than a relationship implosion (dont ask me why, men just think like that).

In your position i'd probably arrange to see someone eg Relate. But pitch is as something to help you, not him, and make clear it is that or your marriage. You might just find that despite his cynicism, he attends with the intention of pointing out everyone else's faults only to discover that the common denominator in all his woes is him. If he refuses, well, I'm guessing you have your answer.

Keep your chin up.

J