I am so sorry to hear that. I hope anyway you stay okay. I was in similar situation, but I do not have kids, so your case is more difficult. I suggest you to ask for help your parents. I know they can't help you with money, but they can take care after your kids, and you will have more time to find a job. When you got a job, you will meet more people , whom they may help you. Try ask in CANSIL house.

hope you will be okay soon.

best wishes

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope anyway you stay okay. I was in similar situation, but I do not have kids, so your case is more difficult. I suggest you to ask for help your parents. I know they can't help you with money, but they can take care after your kids, and you will have more time to find a job. When you got a job, you will meet more people , whom they may help you. Try ask in CANSIL house.

hope you will be okay soon.

best wishes

Thank you Supergirl. I wish I could syphon some money from him, but he doesn't have any and I also don't have access to his accounts. Luckily we keep things separate (because I knew he was bad with money), so at least I'm managing to keep my bills in order.

I have worked out that I would need £7k to leave. I would have to quit my job in London to move away meaning that I would need to pay 6 months rent in advance plus a deposit, and then I could find a job. Things would still be bad because I would have no money for bills.
I have contacted the CAB bureau today, who are looking into whether I can claim any benefits as a single parent.

I agree I need to get out quickly, but It's impossible to leave, for financial reasons. I am going to seek help from the GP to get some free counselling because I can feel myself slipping into a deep depression, and my children are starting to suffer.

I am very sad that this happening. Well done you for being so brave.
I am also very angry on your behalf. You say he is in thousands of pounds worth of debt. If it was me and as a matter of urgency and short term i would syphon another 2-3 grand from his account so would accrue the debts to get me and the kids out. Of course it is only possible if you have access to his accounts. I d rent a small place near my family and call CAB. I would not give him any new address. Then look for a job stacking shelves even. You say your family cant help you financially but could they help with childcare?

I might be totally naive but you need to get out quickly and start re building your life.

oh yes, swingerfromdowntown. Many many times and his response is "go then, you know where the door is" unfortunately I can't just go!

Have you discussed this with him?

Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate people taking the time to write...

Unfortunately, there is no way back for my husband and I. I have not only stopping loving him but I can barely look at him without feeling hatred. I feel he has really let himself and his children down. I cannot understand why an educated man will not go to work for his family. He is depressed yes, but refusing to get a job because they are "beneath" him, just doesn't sit well with me.

I have carried the family for years, on very little money. I worked up until I was 8 and a half months pregnant and went back to work as a temp when my youngest was 5 months old, because he refused to get a job. The flat we live in was his before we married and I am not on the mortgage or deeds, he doesn't pay the mortgage and is in thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt, the flat is for sale, but if it doesn't sell soon it will be repossessed, I am amazed the bank has waited this long for their money. That said, I can't ask my husband to leave and us stay because I can't afford to live there on my own either.

My family know my situation and feel sad for me, but have no room for us to live with any of them, and don't have enough money to support me in a new home while I find a job. They have given me money over the last couple of years to help with small bills etc... they have done everything they can.

I tried to find a job near my parents a few months ago but I have had no luck, the salaries are much, much lower and I don't even get offered an interview for those that I do apply for.

It all seems impossible for me at the moment, I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, my poor children deserve better than this.

I will take everyone's advice on board and definitely call the CAB and benefits office in the hope I can get some help as a single mum.

Thank you again.

I'm going through a somewhat related situation in that my husband walked out on us in January, leaving me with three very young children and no family in this country. Although I work, I'm a writer so I don't make much and my salary is certainly not predictable. So I've spent the last few months trying to figure out what I am entitled to, and would be happy to have a chat on the phone or over a coffee if you'd like and I can tell you what I learned.

I do think all of the above advice is great - if there is any chance, then you should definitely try counseling. And ring the child benefit help line and the tax credit office and just be totally honest about your situation. There are also tax credit calculators online that would give you an idea of what you could be entitled to. Asking family to help financially is another option.

If the marriage can't be saved, then maybe your husband should move out, or you could look at moving somewhere out of London but still commuting distance -maybe close to your folks? I do think you actually have lots of options and it's just about educating yourself. I was totally terrified when my husband first left, but am getting through it day by day, and trying to figure out what is best for myself and the kids and how to get there. Again, if the marriage is over - then you should probably see a lawyer. There are some lawyers out there (not all) who will do the initial meeting free of charge, or charge a fixed-fee and they will be able to talk you through your options as well.

So counseling, CAB, the tax credit and child benefit helplines, online tax credit calculator, and seeing a lawyer - if you did all those things, you wouldn't be much out of pocket but would be so much more informed. Send me a PM if you'd like to chat more. And best of luck - it is so tough being a single mum, but it will get better.

Hello there

I am so sorry to hear about your terribly sad situation. I am a Family Lawyer and so please PM me if you need some initial advice over the telephone.

With best wishes

MM

Not an easy situation. I am so sorry it is such a complex one...
Is there any way for you to retain your current job, continue living where you are and ask your husband to move out? Instead of changing everything all at once, take a bite size chunk and address things one at a time. First things first, leave your partner and establish yourself without him. Then look to change the other things.
Good luck and take things one at a time

I would go to a counselling service like Relate with your husband if you can get him to go. He needs to understand that you cannot continue with him sitting at home. It may well give you the talking space to be able to work out the best strategy for parting if that's what you want to do eventually. It may also allow you to sort out joint assets etc and how best to split them to protect the children etc. I've been through this too and its a horrible process. You don't say whether your husband is violent or not but think its always a good idea to have a third person around when talking through such difficult subjects. Good luck, I'm sure a way will come to you ... xx

Hi NWTgo

Big hugs - you are going to be fine, whatever.

As your husband is a part of your situation it seems that this is a joint discussion and a joint decision. To enable this to happen successfully you need to get outside of your current thinking as the pair of you will spiral round and round getting nowhere different.

There are a multitude of choices, always and to everything. Seems that when we are 'in' the situation we only see limited ones.

If you change your focus, things change by themselves. Try it out.

Think of a situation in your past that seemed impossible at the time. Remember how you felt about it back then. You survived, and became who you are. You will survive this too, have faith in that so you don't have to be expending energy worrying now - worrying will only serve to have you feeling worse right now.

See how quickly it can spiral to divorce from the few responses here. People in their kindness are offering from their own experiences which will never be the same as your unique one.

I wonder why your husband can't be bothered to work… maybe he is thinking depressive thoughts, maybe he has lost hope…. who know what he is thinking other than him.

You are having depressive thoughts about your situation. The situation in itself is not making you depressed. If your thoughts about your situation became more hopeful than you would have less of those depressive thoughts.

What are all the good things going on in your life today?

I am always happy to talk… xx

So sorry for your situation, experienced similar. A word of advice, make sure you have a financial settlement when you divorce, particularly if neither of you any assets. Reason being, my X husband came after me many years later, (the law back then, I believe gave him seven years to do this) demanding his share of the equity in the property I owned. The judge ruled he was entitled, ruling I must sell the property when youngest child reached 16. Whilst he never paid me a penny in maintenance, nor saw our children, I was supposed to pay mortgage for 16yrs then sell and give him 45%. Nice little savings plan for him!

Hello
I read with great sadness your post butnalsonpleased that you have made up your mind and are determined to get out with your children and change your life for the better. Inthink everyone so far has given you valuable advice but what I wanted to add was that about six years ago I separated from my now ex and until he and his new girlfriend (yup typical senario) could set up home he continued to live st home and even share the marital bed which was just hideous. Anyway someone told me to get in contact with the child benefit/single mother support line and I was totally honest explaining my situation that I was still living in our 'married' house and was still reliant on my 'husband's' salary as we were still going through the motions of divorce. I also said I had no job and with four children the youngest being quite young I couldn't justify getting childcare over getting a job. To my amazement they asked when we officially separated even though he was still living in the same house and they actually backdated my single mother payment. I kept repeating I was a single mother but had a roof over my head and was living off my husband's salary and they confirmed I was entitled to it. At least this way if you talk to them and are completely honest you would be able to have a private monthly income which will help you on your way. Just make the call and see what happens - no harm in trying. Wishing you the best of luck on all you do x

I am so very sorry to read your post, the other posters have given sterling advice which I would echo.

I don't know what you do but is moving out to a job that comes with accommodation an option? Maybe as a housekeeper or house sitter, there have been posts on this site from people with out of town properties that want people to live in & keep an eye on them & only work when they are staying. That could be a great option for you.

Do visit the CAB & keep us posted.

Sending you a virtual hug - you sound very strong so I am sure that you will find a way out