Obe1 - Trust your instinct. I did and it saved me. I have been suspicious my my hubby's behaviour for a long time but every talk we had resulted in no confession of any sort. He hasn't been hiding his password etc. but he has been annoyed if he found out that I have been checking and have been trying to stop me from checking (taking his phone off my hand, deleting surfing history on the ipad/iphone) etc. but he never changed his password. I have been checking over the years until I stopped checking because then I didn't find anything besides stupid ****** visits. But one day out of the blue, when I no longer suspected him of anything, I found something. As much as I was hurt, I was relieved that I haven't been mad for listening to my own little voice. He came out about what he's done but I won't be going into that at the moment. We are still together but I got all my confidence back. I was very confused for a long time whether I have gone crazy and that I had become deluded but I didn't, I was right. I also might have prevented something even more sinister from happening had I did not discovered it.

All I'm saying is that trust your instinct. Very rarely it is wrong. If frank conversation doesn't lead you anywhere and you still retain this sinking feeling that something is not quite right, it probably worth it to sense check with some detective work. And too bad if you have found something this way - he should have told you about something you have the right to know when asked. If not, he leaves you with no choice.

My partner is very cagey about his phone and PIN number. He now has an I phone 6 with fingerprint password. I find it really irritating. If he was laid back about his passwords like other users have mentioned here I probably wouldn't care to check but as he's like this it makes me want to. I don't think he's having an affair as I reckon I'd know if he was. I think it's probably ****** or something stupid. Are any other users in this situation?

If it's just out of curiosity then perhaps you both need seperate passwords as it sounds like an unhealthy temptation to read someone else's personal messages or letters. You're partners but still individuals with own personal space to respect.

I think is depends of situation. I do a secretary job for my partner and I have an access to all his emails. KTTT why do you do that? Don't you trust him ?

Look, I totally understand you. I did the same, and I know my partner was checking me too. The question is why do we do that? I know is bad, it looks like we don't trust each other, but in my opinion ' if something is happening ' you would know it before he tell you.

I think it all depends on the context of the "checking". I quite like a rummage through email and what's app but I don't really do it on the sly and it is more to keep up to date on the gossip. Likewise, all my personal exchanges are quite often evaluated (mostly for poking fun!) and I don't care about it either.

If snooping is needed in any of it, there is the problem.

Personally, I think there must be a reason why you are "checking" your husbands emails and texts. This is surely a trust issue, otherwise why bother?

I'm not sure I believe people, when they say they're looking for a laugh, really? Surely your partner would tell you if he/she had a funny or interesting email or text?!

pie81 wrote: Why is it such an invasion of personal space/privacy? Are you all writing things you wouldn't want your spouse reading??

I'm not married

But I was in a relationship recently where my girlfriend started 'jokingly' accessing my mail and texts and I felt I couldn't say no. It was quite clever really. I have nothing to hide, but I felt pressured, and I didn't like handing over control in such circumstances. It reached a point where I couldn't put my phone down (exaggeration!) without her sweeping it up to check it - all for a laugh or course...

Anyway, I ended it. And the above was the beginning of my discomfort with the relationship. Much happier now!!

I'm like firsttimer, I sometimes look through my husband's texts or emails but in front of him and he knows I'm doing it and doesn't object. I wouldn't care if he did the same for mine.

I'm not looking for anything "suspicious" - sometimes he'll have had an email from our friends or family and he won't have thought/remembered to share their news with me so that's how I get it. If he was up to anything dodgy he's bright enough to delete the evidence So I don't think it indicates trust issues.

Why is it such an invasion of personal space/privacy? Are you all writing things you wouldn't want your spouse reading??

firsttimerSW11 wrote:Erm, I too look at my husbands personal email account (rather than his work one), mainly because I'm nosy. I do it in front of him, (e.g. if we are watching TV and I have the iPad which has both of our email accounts on it, I might have a look.

It's great that you and your husband are so open. The only caution I offer to others reading this is that it's very hard to say "no" to a request to read personal emails/ texts when sitting together on the sofa - or elsewhere. To decline is to invite suspicion of your motives, so you end up agreeing and perhaps feeling uncomfortable and with your personal space somewhat invaded. A similar (unconscious, perhaps) tactic is to offer read-access to your email/ texts in fair exchange for theirs. How do you say know?? But the result is the same: uncomfortable, an erosion of something.

It can lead to unhealthy obsession too; you just have to check don't you? One more time... And are they hiding the phone from you? (No). Etc.

I think its' a difficult area. Just please don't take acquiescence on your partner's part as evidence of their endorsement of the practice.

I don't read my husband's emails, facebook etc, but I could. I don't because frankly I don't care but mainly because we trust each other so don't feel the need to do it . If there is something important in these messages I know he would tell me anyway.
I used to do it with an ex boyfriend because there was no trust at all.
Question is : Why do you read your husband's messages?
And what would you think if he was doing the same?

My hubby doesn't have FB but I do read his texts and whatsapp messages sometimes if I'm bored and his phone is next to me. I'm not 'checking' for anything, just casually browsing as he and his friends send lots of funny, playfully insulting messages to each other and its quite amusing.

He knows I read it though as I'll usually still be looking at them laughing when he comes into the room and he doesn't care.

Sometimes I'll get cross if I read a message where he is moaning about me or other 'laddish' banter but he quite rightly says that if I don't want to get upset, I shouldn't read it!

I don't read my partner's email or texts- unless something pops up on the screen because he is logged in. I don't feel the need to do so- I trust him.
He on the other hand is the biggest snooper around. When we first got together he admitted reading every diary and love letter in a big box under my bed. I was livid and he obviously read stuff that made him jealous, all of which happened before I met him. He is still a snooper many years of marriage and 2 kids later.Recently this has come to a head and I asked him to move out. I cannot abide someone trying to control me like that. He refused and we are now having counselling.
He reads emails and then challenges me about private things I have said to girlfriends. When I changed all my passwords he accused me of being secretive. For the record I have never once done anything that could even be considered close to cheating. Not once. When someone checks your private correspondence like this it is a massive breach of personal space and privacy. It hints at much deeper issues around trust. I suggest you stop it now before he finds out. As my husband found out, people who snoop seldom find anything good out about themselves!

I think yes you're doing that with consent though and in front of him , the issue I think is when it's being done sneakily / behind someone's back . I was guilty of this in the past but now I'd hopefully never feel the need to again

Erm, I too look at my husbands personal email account (rather than his work one), mainly because I'm nosy. I do it in front of him, (e.g. if we are watching TV and I have the iPad which has both of our email accounts on it, I might have a look. Usually it would be to check that he hasn't missed any emails from builders etc as he doesn't use his personal email that much. I also look on his Facebook and he reads mine too) Neither of us really care.

We both trust each other implicitly but if I'd ever thought about it, I might wonder why I do it. I don't have an answer really, I suppose I just like to know what's going on. I can see why some people would consider it controlling but if neither of us care then does it really matter?