Just a thought but could he not get a "temporary" one - try before you buy before going and having a real, permanent one done?

I'm with you on tatoos, I really don't like them whatever your class/background etc. My DH went to a well known Public School & he has one, done long before he met me & quite how he plans to forbid our DS & DD from getting them done in the future is anyone's guess

mungomuffit wrote:All sorts of people have tattoos nowadays, so no need to be so mean to the OP and claim that she and her husband are snobs. My granddad's arms were covered in tats because he was in the Navy from an early age and they were de rigueur for that age and job/class. Now my posh sister has them - not anchors and mermaids like my Pa, but hippy type stuff like moons and sayings in nepalese (!). Sam Cam has a dolphin on her ankle and David Dimbleby got one recently.

Anyway, honeywellhoney, I hope that you've squared things with him. Perhaps he was just trying to surprise you. Report back and let us know how you got on.

Earrings on men are a whole other issue. No way in my book, unless they are a rock star, professional anarchist, or David Beckham ...

Haha this made me laugh! I can't belive you're saying "no need to be mean to the OP" and finish off by saying "earrings on men are a whole other issue. No way in my book"
Don't be mean to OP but fine to judge another poster. Ah the tolerance!

Quoting Ozzy Osborne (a very tattooed man!) "if you want to be original............don't get a tattoo".

Many thanks for all the replies. In terms of an update, there is no sign of the tattoo yet. However he is still very angry about our difference of opinion on this one and whilst I appreciate it is his choice, do not agree that I must love his tattoo if I love him! (His words last week)

I'm really grateful for the different views conveyed by posters who replied. I appreciated the support & time even from those who disagreed with me. I would suggest though that there is a marked difference between a subtle Sam Cam dolphin on the ankle and an enormous band around the arm...

However I would say that I found the accusations that I am a snob a little mean spirited. For the record, I went to a comprehensive, have spent nearly 20 years working for the NHS (I've never done private work) and am very proud of the fact that my children go to a state school too. I don't subscribe to many of my husband's views about himself and the world but believe as an educated woman & mother I am very much entitled to my own opinion on this issue & others.

I honestly can't believe that people are making judgemental comments about your lifestyle. Well anyway, I do agree that it is concerning that he would plan a trip around this. Maybe.

My husband told me he wanted to get his ear pierced and he wanted a tattoo. I asked why, listened, asked questions, and told him why tattoos freak me out. (In part due to where/how I grew up the mere idea you have to wait 6 months to donate blood after getting a tattoo was enough to give me the impression at a young age that they're dangerous.) He hasn't got the tattoo but I did go with him to get his ear pierced despite not really being keen. I helped him find suitable earrings, I found a replacement ASAP when he lost is favourite one. And when he decided that people judged which ear he had pierced I nodded in understanding when he decided to have the other one pierced and only wear earrings on that side. I've learned to understand his self image, I listen when he talks about a tattoo and he has learned to understand my own body image issues and to be more compassionate. I kind of suspect when our son is born he will bring up the tattoo subject again.

From what you said, you told him how you felt and you expected your feelings to override his. You don't want him to have it so he shouldn't. But as other's have said there isn't a big impact on you if any at all. Except you didn't get your way. You don't own his body.

Now as a side note I would say, never underestimate a mid life crisis. To some it's not a joke. It's a matter of realising how time flies and wanting to feel in control and free. And something I learned from my husband is that he'd really hate it if he'd confided his desire to do something like that and I'd consulted my friends.

Wow... it sounds to me as though you are more worried about the fact that your educated, middle-class husband is going to descend to some low-life level by having a tattoo. Agree it's not good to lie, but have you asked yourself why he is not able to tell you the truth? That in itself is quite sad. So what if he wants a tattoo! I agree with others who have suggested that he is quite buttoned-up.

Sometimes in youth we go along with what everyone else wants for us. Maybe he realises that a tattoo might be seen as rebellion, not quite the thing 'people like us' do. And in his older/wiser years, he's aware that it's his body and his choice. He probably feels more free and confident in doing this.

Nowadays, tattoos have lost all their previous associations of class/type of person who has them. That may also be why he feels he can now do this - it's more acceptable and accepted as art.

As you know marriage is often about compromise. And this is way less damaging than him running off with a 25 year old, isn't it?

Firstly, the potential betrayal of doing something maybe needs to be aired? And from experience this is the lesser of many evils... Unless he's also hiding a drug or alcohol or mistress problem.. I'm joking because whisky I feel your pain as its vile and horrid when something happens I would just try and understand if you could why?????
And Could you get to a place of negotiation? No arms/ hands or wrists has always been our tatoo rule... And the band of black nominally has tremendous significance. It's used to honour or usually remember something or someone? For what it's worth- they are easy to remove and more painful. Which can be penance for a bad choice

Sorry to say but you and your husband sound like a pair of snobs!! Why is he above other people? because he went to public school? what a p***k!

Really, is having a tattoo, the worse thing that can happen? How can this make you feel sad and lonely?

If he were, giving up his job, selling the house and deciding to go backpacking across the world on his own as his mid-life crisis, I might have more empathy.

That said, maybe you should suggest getting a matching one, and say you'll book the appointment for you both, he might think differently!

It doesn't matter how far back in time you look people have been decorating their bodies. My wife was really supportive when I got a tattoo and we chose something we both liked together. I suspect your attitude towards this has pushed him away. There is an 'underground' aspect to tattoo studios and artists and him escaping with excuses to do this may be part of that attraction. My advice is to embrace it, discuss what he wants and perhaps suggest a design of something that represents his commitment to you and the family or something that makes you feel more involved. After months of researching designs and tattoo culture he might just get bored of the idea anyway, if not it will be a significant thing you have invested in together. Believe me, there is no profile to the type of person who has a tattoo nowadays, I've heard of proper twinset and pearl type ladies who have surprising tattoos!

re the tattoo it sounds like he is very aware of your views and perhaps sees that he is unlikely to get your blessing. but it is his body and it's what he wants to do so he is going ahead anyway. In my view it is not my place to say what my husband should do with his body and I'd rather support him. perhaps the lying about a business trip is a way that he feels he can get it done. or maybe there is a whole lot more going on that you don't know yet.

you say you are calm and rational when talking to him but you are also focussing only on how it affects you and the children. rather than what he wants. of course it seems like a change in character but perhaps he is realising that there is more to life than the car, designer clothes and things money can buy. like being happy in your own skin.

I think you are unlikely to get anywhere here unless you can shift away from how this affects you to what is going on for your husband. of course your feelings are valid and hopefully talking and venting here can help you around this. it must be rather unsettling and worrying.

re the tattoo it sounds like he is very aware of your views and perhaps sees that he is unlikely to get your blessing. but it is his body and it's what he wants to do so he is going ahead anyway. In my view it is not my place to say what my husband should do with his body and I'd rather support him. perhaps the lying about a business trip is a way that he feels he can get it done. or maybe there is a whole lot more going on that you know yet.

you say you are calm and rational when talking to him but you are also focussing on how it affects you and the children. rather than what he wants. of course it seems like a change in character but perhaps he is realising that there is more to life than the car, designer clothes and things money can buy. like being happy in your own skin.

I think you are unlikely to get anywhere here unless you can shift away from how this affects you to what is going on for your husband.

Morning,
As others have said the lying about his were abouts is the most concerning part of your story.
A few years ago after a near death experience I decided I wanted to have a tattoo done, my husband was furious as he hates tattoos and as far as he was concerned he has married a girl who went to Swiss boarding school and came from an educated cultured background. But to me it was very very important to have it done as as symbol of what I had survived, I explained to him that is was my body to do with as I pleased and that just like I can't force him to have one done he shouldn't dictate what I do to myself. In the end he saw how important it was to me and through gritted teeth stopped bullying me out of my descion. He still 6yrs on makes the odd comment but I laugh it off as I love my tattoo and what it signifies.
Maybe going to some marriage counselling to help you discuss the reasons behind this stand off might help.

Hi,
While I believe that everybody can choose to do what they want with their body and life, I also understand your feeling towards the tattoo.
You choose your husband because your values were matching/were respected (including your view on tattoos), and suddenly those views are not aligned anymore between the two of you. I understand that it must be difficult and hurtful to realised that he doesn't consider your view anymore.

In my opinion (and this is my opinion, just based on your messages; so it is inerrantly partial) it seems that the tatoo maybe an expression of his inner mood. Maybe a mid life crisis as some others mentioned? Maybe a late "teens rebellion " if he never has done one?
I would be much more concerned about the underlying reasons for the tattoo and for the associated lies - than for the tattoo itself (at least in order of priority).
Could you speak openly with him about it? If not, maybe counselling could help him open up? It may unlock the real problem...

And if the tatto is, in the end, the only real need he has and he won't change his mind about having one, then it is up to you to see if you can reajust your views on those or not and to make your choices according to your feeling.
As the saying goes: You can't change people or situations…you can only change the way YOU react to them.

All the best - I hope your situation will unlock in an way that is satisfying for both you and your husband.
Lots of positive thoughts for you and big hug.

I think as others have said the most concerning thing is not the tattoo- yes this is upsetting especially if you didn't want him to get one but more of the fact that he has lied about having it done and said he's travelling abroad. I think there could quite possibly be another reason behind that and would try and find out where he is and whom he may be with.

Hope all goes well

I think the fact that he is lying about his whereabouts is far more of a problem than the tattoo. Claiming to be in a different country is really quite extreme.

I understand you don't approve of the tattoo idea, I don't like them much either, but you can't really claim it will affect the children. Him lying about where he is might though...

How did you find out where he will really be?