I admire your honesty in your reaction to your husband's lying - as you summarise it. I think you may well be in a situation where your husband is cheating you and you are retaliating with violence. Neither one is acceptable behaviour and it might be a good idea to go to Relate with your partner to discuss his lying and your response. I spent some time in two relationships where my exes refused to respect basic human rights legislation in my own home, cheating, stealing, lying which degenerated into low level pushing and shoving on their part. I would walk out of the room whereupon they would grab me and the ensuing fight, where I tried to exit the situation, they would invariably blame on me. Your husband may be gaslighting you and you need help in separating out his behaviour and your response. Violence is not a good response but is permitted as self defense. It may well be that your husband is attacking you in ways with his lying that are threatening you and your childrens security and safety and that is triggering your resorting to violence. Its not right but it may be understandable if the provocation is deeply scaring you. Relate can help both of you separate your behaviour and just who is attacking whom. Good luck.

[quote="Scottov"][quote="hal"][b]Your husband may be a terrible person [/b]but that doesn’t justify violence - [b]if he’s that unsupportable, then leave him. [/b]Hitting people and throwing objects at them is never acceptable, irrespective of their gender.[/quote]

I’m assuming you knew very well but here you go.

And no, the qualifiers and caveats don’t disguise the odiousintent and implication

At least no more than the “I’m not racist BUT...” tropes of the bnp and far right. But...

This is a dog whistle of the worst kind. It clearly means to imply that he may well have had it coming. Something that would never be tolerated if the gender were reversed[/quote]

Not sure where you get “odious intent” from or the need for bizarre personal attacks. And exactly the same paragraph (to the letter) would apply if I was commenting on violence by a man against a woman.

And nowhere do I say he deserved or asked for anything; not implied it. Quite the opposite - I’ve said pretty clearly (in the same paragraph you’ve actually quoted but appear to be ignoring in favour of a pretty unnecessary personal attack on someone you don’t know) that violence is never warranted or acceptable irrespective of gender. And I stand by that - there is never any justification for violence (save perhaps in self-defence but certainly not in a context like this). Violence against men or women (or children) isn’t acceptable, for whatever reason.

There is no dog whistle, no implication - that’s in your mind. Her husband could have done something horrendous or something merely aggravating - either way, whatever it is, the proportionate response isn’t and never is violence (leaving him might be, or going to the police, or talking it through - we don’t know because she hasn’t said what it is beyond lying); that’s what I was alluding to as a contrast to what she has done. I would say exactly the same thing if a man had posted saying he’d slapped his wife.

You’ve (deliberately) drawn a totally baseless inference and have thrown a few pejorative adjectives around without even attempting to give me (or the other poster you’ve got a problem with, whoever he or she may be) the benefit of the doubt.

I spent my early career as a barrister helping victims of serious domestic violence - male and female, adult, minor and even elderly - on a daily basis. I am pretty comfortable that my approach to this is both considered and balanced (and based on actual experience): I don’t differentiate between genders, save perhaps to acknowledge the simple and indisputable background fact that the vast vast vast majority of domestic violence (and violence in general) is perpetrated by men against women. And often is far more serious in terms of its physical consequences.

But feel free to have another pop at something I didn’t say if it somehow makes you feel better to froth at straw men. I’m assuming you’re one of those men’s rights posters that go round looking for perceived injustice against men and “won’t someone think about the men” type things to rage over? Sadly this isn’t one of them but I’m sure if you hunt around a bit you’ll find something a little more suitable you can get stuck in to.

[quote="hal"][b]Your husband may be a terrible person [/b]but that doesn’t justify violence - [b]if he’s that unsupportable, then leave him. [/b]Hitting people and throwing objects at them is never acceptable, irrespective of their gender.[/quote]

I’m assuming you knew very well but here you go.

And no, the qualifiers and caveats don’t disguise the odiousintent and implication

At least no more than the “I’m not racist BUT...” tropes of the bnp and far right. But...

This is a dog whistle of the worst kind. It clearly means to imply that he may well have had it coming. Something that would never be tolerated if the gender were reversed

[quote="Scottov"]The world is a complex place and few things are as straightforward as we might hope

But I’m troubled by 2 things

1. You say you are known to social services already, that seems highly relevant and somewhat ominous.

2. I’m appalled, literally disgusted by the 2 posters who wrote words to the effect of “no matter how bad a husband he is, or what he did...”. The assumptions there are awful, can you imagine if it were the other way round and people presumed a battered wife had it coming? That her bad behaviour had somehow provoked such an incident[/quote]

Which two “disgusting” posters say that? I don’t see anyone saying anything other than that there is never any justification for physical violence, irrespective of whether it’s from a man or a woman.

The world is a complex place and few things are as straightforward as we might hope

But I’m troubled by 2 things

1. You say you are known to social services already, that seems highly relevant and somewhat ominous.

2. I’m appalled, literally disgusted by the 2 posters who wrote words to the effect of “no matter how bad a husband he is, or what he did...”. The assumptions there are awful, can you imagine if it were the other way round and people presumed a battered wife had it coming? That her bad behaviour had somehow provoked such an incident

Thank you all for your replies. I accept I allowed my temper to get the better of me. Jealously is not a nice trait.

I guess all I can now do is wait what will be will be.....

Hi,
I went to the police station on a Saturday with my daughter as my ex-husband kept threatening me during the divorce procedure. I basically had a big breakdown after weeks of non-sleeping/working full-time/threats. The officer took my daughter away and started a report. However, as there was nothing physical, I had to go back to the house and so did my ex-husband as we jointly owned the property, even if I was the only one paying the mortgage for years... He just told me to try to use this report and the previous ones (as my ex-husband called the police previously) to go to court. He didn't add anything else, but we both received a letter from social services a few weeks after asking us to sort out the property situation for the children well-being. I decided to to sell the property asap and to give him what he wanted. I ended up in a small flat with the kids, but at least with peace of mind for us. In the meantime, I never heard again from the social services. I hope you will sort out your situation for the best.

Yes social services will be notified and no matter what your husband has done he did not deserve to be hit. You need to get out of this stressful situation asap because he may now goad you and you might hit him again and this could result with you losing your children.

My ex wife had a severe drink problem (still does but is managing it with AA). She slapped me once. I gave her fair warning that if she ever did it again it would be the end of our marriage.

About three weeks later, when my then 82 year old father was staying with us, she completely lost her temper and assaulted me over a period of two or three hours. I was covered in blood and the police were called by my father.

Our two children were asleep in bed at the time. She got them out of bed and put them in our car, saying that she was taking them off to see her parents. She was drunk and I wrestled the keys from her so that she could not drive with the children in that condition.

The next day I went to see my lawyers and began divorce proceedings. I was awarded an immediate, ex parte, non molestation order in order to protect myself against further attacks during the time that my ex wife and I worked out separate living arrangements.

I’m sorry for your predicament, but there is no excuse for domestic abuse of either women or, as in this case, men.

I would hope that you and your husband realise that your current relationship is very unhealthy and that you agree to separate as cordially as you can manage. What cannot continue is the violence whether you have children or not.

And please, for your sake and that of your family, seek some help, particularly if you have children. Domestic violence is never acceptable - whether it comes from a man or a woman. It also has long-term effects on any children witnessing the behaviour, who can normalise and then replicate it. You’ve had two incidents where the police or social services have been notified.

Your concern seems to be the potential scrutiny of the LA rather than the fact of the incident itself and that you lashed out. Your husband may be a terrible person but that doesn’t justify violence - if he’s that unsupportable, then leave him. Hitting people and throwing objects at them is never acceptable, irrespective of their gender.

Hi- the police will notify social services, I think it’s all an automated computer system now. If it happened over the weekend it will be this morning, otherwise it would have been the next working day. In my experience in social work, all notifications from the police of call outs to homes with children are included in the morning meeting, your case is then given a priority/time line for social worker involvement which will depend on what happened in the last involvement and what the children’s involvement in the recent incident was, plus how they assess current risks to the children. This will determine how long it takes them to contact you.

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation in your relationship and I hope you manage to get help to move on from it. Try to be honest with yourself on the effects on the children and what you need to do to make sure they stay physically safe and feel emotionally safe in their home. Do be kind to yourself, everyone makes mistakes and it is ok to ask for help if you need it, Xx

Hi notsogreat

Yes, the police are obliged to notify social services if there are children in your relationship.

I wish you all the best at extracting yourself from what seems to be an irretrievable situation

Yes. Two separate incidents . It is all so hard now. He is able to act so normally since it all happened . He does not realise that I hate him to the core. He had been lying to me for months and I found out and I lashed out. It took social services three months to contact us last year . Are the police obliged to contact them about this most recent incident?

Hi
Whilst your behaviour has been awful I think you are brave for posting.

Can I check - are here two separate incidents?

I am writing this under a new name.

The crux of my dilemma is that I slapped my husband on his face, threw a plastic bottle of cordial at him and a packet of vegetables. He called the police. I was arrested and cautioned.

I am known to social services due to an incident last year. Will the police notify social services of this recent incident?