[size=100][font=Calibri,sans-serif]This reminds me of the story about a wealthy elderly couple with many grown up children with families of their own. Every Christmas for 20 years they were always too busy to come and see the parents and bring children parents had never even seen.[/font][/size][size=100][font=Calibri,sans-serif] As every year all were invited for Christmas to stay at large family country house.[/font][/size][size=100][font=Calibri,sans-serif]This year wife had an idea, she told a two of the daughters “secretly” that she and her husband were splitting up in the new year and it would be announced at the Christmas gathering. The elderly family solicitor had also been invited because may affect the way their inheritances would be distributed, could be some papers for all to sign so not miss out on anything.
That Christmas every single child with entire family turned up. After dinner the truth was revealed when they wondered why solicitor was not there. Were told not splitting up and no inheritance changes, but this was the only way could get entire family there for Christmas!  [/font][/size] :D

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Dear PomPom

I am sorry I am so late to this post but I wanted to give you a fulsome response and I have not had the time until now!....... and I'm afraid my response may not be the black and white answer you are looking for, but this is my experience coaching parents in how to share the care and develop co parenting plans .[/font]
 [font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]To tell or not to tell, over the holidays is a tough call that actually doesn’t have an easy answer. In my opinion, there are quite a few factors you need to take into consideration… [/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]1. [b]How well are you currently managing any tension?[/b] [font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]If children are being exposed to ongoing arguments or they're seeing you give each other the silent treatment, then keeping it together just to get through the holidays, is probably not going to be helpful to the children.  If you have an amiable relationship and can manage being together for the children then it might be wise to wait.[/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]2.[b] What is your emotional state? [/b]
If one of you is[/size][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100] more emotionally vulnerable than the other, white-knuckling through the holidays may be really tough. You need to keep in mind that children are extremely tuned in to your stress.  If one of you is emotionally struggling, kids will pick up on it and without a context for understanding that stress they may make up their own story or reason. This of course tend to increase children’s anxiety instead of decrease it. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]3. [b]W[/b][/font][b][size=100]hat do the your kids know?[/size][/b]
[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]Often when I talk to parents, many times they will admit that their children have already asked questions about the state of the marriage or it their parent are considering divorce.  Many parents shrug off the question or change the subject because they are hoping to bypass the conversation. Once kids start asking these kinds of questions, its usually a pretty clear sign that it is time to have the conversation. It’s also quite possible that if you wait until after the holidays they may feel deceived and it could compromise your credibility with your kids. Children don't like to feel duped or that they have been lied to    [/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]4.[b]The other factor is the timeframe for the separation.[/b][/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]If things are going to change very quickly in the new year and one of you is moving out of the  family home then you really need to give your kids the time to get their head around these changes and so the question to ask is does waiting until after the holidays still give children enough emotional space to process this? [/size][/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][size=100]Lastly, when to tell your kids is a very personal choice that clearly you both have to agree on, as you both need to tell the children together.  How children manage the conversation is often greatly influenced by how you  manage the conversation. If you can have a tension-free conversation and communicate to their children that they will continue to be there for them as their Mummy and Daddy, that is the most important thing to take into account so the bottom line is regardless of when the conversation takes place, the most important thing is you prepare for the talk, ensure you cancel all commitments to give the kids time to process and for you to be there for any potential fall out and to spend time putting a really good co parenting plan in place. So many parents wing this and don't have a clear co parenting plan which leads to confusion for the children.

Phew ...really hope that is a little helpful and please do get support to get through this very stressful time in your life. Oh and good mediator is the other component to! Take care of yourself and my mantra is always love your kids more than you dislike your ex!

Yours aye Elaine x [/size][/font]

Hi there PomPom

I have had quite a bit of experience as a solicitor and mediator in this area (I have my own family law practice in Clapham Common). I would definitely advise you wait until after Christmas for all the reasons set out above. You might also want to consider exactly how, when and where you tell them, including having some sort of a joint script. 

The most important points to remember are:-
1. Choose a time and place they are going to be comfortable with. Consider what happens after the conversation too. Maybe plan to do something nice together immediately afterwards?
2. Make sure you reinforce the point that it is not their fault, they have done nothing wrong, and sometimes this happens with grown up relationships, that their Mum and Dad love them, and they will always have a home with both their parents. 
3. It sounds like it is mutual here, but make sure that comes across - you do not want either of you to be scapegoated. 
4. They will have a lot of questions. You want to strike the right balance between giving them information and eliciting their views but not allowing them to dictate what happens next. 

Children model their adult relationships on their parents so it's important to get this right.

Best of luck!
Peter Burgess 

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and helpful replies.
Although I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone it is a relief to hear that many of you have successfully come through similar situations. We are still very unsure of the best route to take but I can't tell you how grateful I am to have your replies.

Hi,

I am in a similar situation, but with smaller children and a long way to a resolution. You are right to think after Christmas, he is also right to want to let them know as soon as possible.

I would tell them now that you are not getting on as well as before and you are trying to find ways to make it good for everyone. You may surprised with how the kids will respond to that. When we trust then, we see they are very sharp, well tuned and a lot of the time ahead of us.

Make Christmas count more than the break up and you could start by you and your husband meeting in the middle on telling them the truth now (you’re not getting on) and presenting the harsh practicalities after the New Year. In the meantime, try to take care of your own and the other one’s feelings and comfort, (more than ever) in a way that can be mutually rewarding. If you manage, the kids will most likely be ok as well.

And maybe make a truly happy Christmas happen! More often than not, finding your own reality is really hard and trusting it, even harder, so you and your husband must be pretty special people!

With the hope that my reflection on your quest will flutter by and bring at least a smile if not some kind of support to any decision you’ll make!

XxFlorica

Hello. I am so very sorry that your family are in this situation, it is not nice whatever time of the year.
Like Trinnydors and AbbevilleMummy, my sister and I were told on Christmas Day (I was 13, she 10). It answered a lot of questions, but left us on eggshells. Especially as we were under strict instructions not to tell anyone. I am not particularly sentimental about Christmas per se, but memories of always trying to please everyone hang heavy.
You don’t say what the current atmosphere between you and your husband is like - children aren’t stupid, even if they can’t quite put their finger on it. Unless you genuinely believe that they would sigh in great relief (in which case, the sooner the better) then please wait until the new year.
As other posters have said, going back to school will be somewhat of a distraction. Can you then involve any grandparents, aunts/uncles to give them freedom to vent?
I wish you all patience and love x

As others have said, I'm sorry this is where things have got to for you both.

I'm lucky enough to have a twice divorced mother.  I was under 1 when she left my dad and in my early twenties when she and my step-dad decided to separate. My younger (1/2) sisters were mid-teens.  I firmly believe that parents that don't get on are better parenting apart.  Time with both /all my parents is better than it was when they were together, even when they're now in the same room.  

My mum and step-dad made the decision to tell us around about now pre-Xmas and then to have a great family Xmas together.  It wasn't really a surprise.  They intended it to be about how we spent the time together as a family, even though they'd decided not to be together.  It set the tone for how things were going to be from then on, and as there was focus, was actually a really great time.  They carried on having joint Xmas with us for a couple of years until they both met other people and things moved on.  It worked, and the relief of spending time with them when they had a load off their minds was great.  It's unlikely your kids haven't noticed what's going on at home.  

My wife's parents separated in September when she was around 22.  They occasionally get together in bigger family Xmas and for other things.  They just seem to exist in each other's space rather than making much effort; it's amicable but void.  My wife hates Christmas because she has to make choices about which parent to be with (and still wants the perfect family Christmas that's never going to happen) and it's nothing to do with when she was told they were separating but more to do with the fact they didn't make any effort about how they would be with each other when they separated, perhaps because my wife and sister-in-law were older.  

This year might be difficult, next year may also, and in time you'll all set the pattern for how things get on. 
My kids have 9 people they refer to as some form of grandparent.  It's complicated, but they know they're loved by all.  That's the bit to focus on. 

Your kids might find Christmas uncomfortable in the future, but it's more likely that it's because it will cause them to have to make choices they're powerless to do anything about and they might look at what friends are doing and wish it was what they were going to have.  They're not, but ability for you both to be comfortable in each other's space has to be paramount.  You're about to have 1-2 weeks to show them how it could be and it will set the tone for the future.  I'd also recommend an alcohol-free Christmas to ensure things are less likely to be said that might be regretted later.    


Bottom line, don't use Xmas as an excuse, be honest and show them how it's going to be from now on and how you'll both be there for your kids, together and apart and make it about them not you.
 

I am so sorry you are in that situation. I am at the other side of a very amicable separation and divorce. There is no good time to tell them, but when the time came (my kids were then 9 and 4) it didn’t go as we had planned and the eldest guest on the school run with her Dad. In hindsight, it was great as she had a day of school to think about it away from us and develop her questions for after school (with a big milkshake in a cafe). The school were amazing and the conversation with her teacher was the hardest if all. I remember her saying she would make the classroom a safe space for her (eldest) to express her feelings and the classroom assistant took her out for some reading and so forth. Her school friends were also very kind and supportive. There’s no good time, and having a Christmas together where you cherish the friendship and family ties (that you will always have) with their dad might help to create your pattern for the future. The best advice I had at the time was to be kind and generous to each other and see your separation agreement as a way of gifting things to each other. Good luck. X

Firstly I’m sorry you are going through this, my husband and I split 18m ago and are still working out the divorce but I believe we’ve done a pretty good job of putting the children first as much as they can possibly understand (5 and 6).

I hear what others are saying about not ‘ruining’ Christmas but can you get through this time pretending everything is wonderful? It’s hard enough sometimes and this year is surely less easy than most. If the house will be tense at all then you tell them afterwards, Christmas wasn’t real anyway... Only you know how you may both cope and how your children usually react to trauma, whether they are worriers and likely to be very emotional.

School is a good distraction for them and a constant whilst home life may feel up in the air but I do think telling them while you have time together is hugely helpful. There may be a lot of questions and they will need reassuring and to see that you are not changing or leaving them. It’s only my opinion but I would suggest you tell them after Christmas with enough time before school starts as long as you are both committed to Christmas.

We told my children in the middle of a two week summer holiday that we had still gone on. Whilst they were younger than yours I think it helped that we were together for a time afterwards to comfort them and answer questions. We already knew though where my ex was living and helped them to visualise the two homes they would have.

It’s so hard but only you know your children and what they might need from you. Good luck with everything and look after yourself too x

Definitely after Christmas. Otherwise their Christmas memories will always be of you divorcing....

I would suggest you get some proper advice on how to do it. From a child psychologist. As a teacher I would recommend ....like Nanny below....

It’s a life changing moment you can’t just jump into it.
Politely remind the other half… How you guys do it could define children’s values on family life et cetera.

Done right children can be very resilient. I wish you both every happiness in the future as well as your children

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Please don’t tell them over Christmas. My parents told us this on Christmas day when I was 11. Ruined Christmas forever for us. I still can’t forgive them for it.

School will be a welcome distraction for them in the New Year. It will make it easier to process rather than be trapped in the house with you both, feeling awkward. The more considered and planned the break up is the better your kids will take it. You might have a better idea in Jan of what the break up means, how you’ll divide their time and who will live where which will be much more reassuring than an distressing and abstract concept that they can’t get their heads around.

Hello
14 years ago I was in the same situation. My ex husband moved out on New Year’s Day and we told the children (4 aged between 6 and 11) that day. We had spent Christmas together and even had a short break before the new year.
It seemed to work best for us to keep all events separate to avoid any association of divorce with Christmas or other occasions.
I know that all my children still enjoy Christmas.

After christmas

Emorion coaching , worry dolls and lots,of talking :)

Children are quiet resilient when their basic needs etc are met

Spin the positive - 2 homes etc

From my personal experience, I would definitely advise after Christmas.

My parents told us over Christmas (I was 15, my brother was 11). It destroyed that Christmas and every other Christmas since. We both still hate Christmas now, 30 years later, as we associate it with such an unhappy, traumatic time.

Tell them now - so (hopefully) they can see you can act amicable despite the separation. Otherwise they have a nice Christmas, learn you are separating and then worry how it will work out.

I am no expert though. I would just always tell the truth at the earliest opportunity.