I agree with TomThomas , some very unpleasant posts on this thread !

so weird not to be confident enough to deal with this without referring to an online forum

just say to the nanny " do you normally eat dinner at (say) 5 p.m.?  if you do then we'll leave out enough food for you, otherwise it will just be enough food for the children".

does it need to be any more complicated that that ???? 

Our nanny cooks for our kids and eats with them. It's never been an issue. Sometimes is good to be direct to avoid confusion/frustrations.. clearly this is bothering you, Perhaps you should mention it.. maybe say " please make sure to cook enough for everyone" or something along those lines..

There is another point which I don’t think has been discussed and that is the value of your children eating with an adult. We liked our nanny eating with our children because she was showing that she enjoyed sharing a variety of foods (especially important when it comes to veg, salad etc), could demonstrate table manners and (perhaps most important) get them used to the idea that eating with others is an enjoyabl, even fun experience. Even with very small children, these things will make your life easier when they are older.

I also think it is unfair for you to assume she knew there wasn't enough food for her and your kids. Different children have vastly different appetites, and different appetites month to month, year to year. She probably thought it didn't look very much, but then assumed that maybe your kids didn't have huge appetites as it was obviously what you had left for them and her (in her mind - especially as you had offered her food the first few times when you were there, she would have assumed you thought it was the correct amount for 1 adult + your 2 children). After all it is only her second week with you so she still doesn't know your children that well. And it sounds like they weren't comfortable yet asking her for more food.  

I hope you haven't expressed your discontent about this in front of your children (I know we all find it difficult when we come back tired from a long day at work) but it is important that you are helping your children build a nice relationship with this person - for their benefit. But maybe give the children permission to ask for more from your new nanny if they are hungry, especially if that is the culture in your home. 

I think with every relationship whether contractual obligations exist, expectations of day to day working / living need to be set.  I had a full time nanny (live out) for 2 years and she preferred to bring her own food sometimes, but I would ask her if there was anything she wanted on the grocery list and also she would specifically plan the child's meals (so I would add ingredients to my regular shopping list and she would top up as needed with a debit card just for her.)  I would always invite her to eat meals with my daughter if she wanted to.  I think in my case our nanny was very specific about what she ate so she preferred to ask me to add things to the list or to buy on her debit card.  I would always encourage her to buy herself meals if she was out with my daughter and buying meals/snacks.  I think nannies do expect and should be offered food during the care of the kids (especially if they are preparing food for kids).  It is up to them how they structure their food intake.

Another example - Our other part-time nanny for my son - just pick ups from school and until 630pm absolutely never wanted anything to eat - but again I always encouraged her to buy herself something if she was getting my son something after school in the shops (snack).  I also always asked her to help herself to tea/coffee etc. She preferred to go home to her flatmates/boyfriend for dinner but I would usually prepare my son food when I got home as I preferred for her to play with him and do homework. 

I would encourage an open conversation to understand what your nanny expects and wants.  You will need to accommodate for her wishes.  

I would never dream of denying a nanny food, especially if it's usual children's fare or their dinners.  Of course I'd expect her to know if there's only enough for the children and not eat it, sounds like she was hungry.

Agree with PP, it's a very personal and important role and personally I couldn't get worked up about a bit of pasta or food, thankfully  my wife is the same.

And saying

“She should at the very least wait until they have said they don’t want anymore to then help herself to what is left but again we have not discussed her being able to just help herself to our food.”

Seriously?

As if she should be grateful to have left overs and only if anything left and cold ?!!like she’s not deserving or what?

You can’t seriously post things like this and be surprised and offended when people give you honest feedback. Seems to be your are back peddling.
You didn’t want her to eat, if you did you would
Offer food. Never mind what is expected or norm.
You posted to vent about it .

It’s clear you confused her by offering food twice the first week, but ironically outraged she’s helped herself to food when you were not there.

Sorry but you sound tight and unwelcoming.

You are happy for this person to take care of your children and be in your home but begrudge her helping herself to some food?
Taking care of children in this setting requires some family feeling and you expect her to bring her own food and eat separately ?

As you can afford a nanny I presume you can afford her the extra unit cost of pasta etc

It could be a misunderstanding on her part, but provide more then!!

Had I been in her shoes and told not to eat I’d be mortified and offended …

The replies so far have covered all the main points.

As already noted, finish time is key. Finishing much later than 18:00, certainly as late as 19:00, would IMO bring create a strong presumption that the nanny would able to eat your food.

The nanny also needs to be sensible, e.g.:

(a) Expecting to eat a modest meal, the same thing that the kids are having, would be very reasonable indeed. Taking, say, one of four lobsters which look like they've obviously been set aside for an adults' dinner with guests, less so.

(b) If, one a one-off basis, there isn't quite enough food for nanny and kids, the nanny probably needs to do what a parent would do and quickly buy some more [with petty cash that'd been provided for this purpose] or else maybe go without for that meal, maybe just have some toast or something. If there's regularly not enough food to go round, that's really on the host family, they need to sort it out. 

Above all, all of the above should be contracted, since mealtime is such a bedrock of the after school nanny gig, and not left to be decided on the fly depending on what's in the fridge on that particular day.
 

Really unpleasant posts on this thread. She was asking for advice. I think she's probably got that now. 

I do agree this is the internet, and in asking a question like this, one has to accept the full spectrum of views in return, however we can all do better in telling people they’re wrong or they’ve made a mistake or just sharing a different view, without accompanying this with unkind words.

I have always told nannies that they can help themselves to anything but most have also brought their main meals by choice, so I can understand how someone would have the impression that this is the norm. Having said that, if the “running out of pasta” situation ever occurred in my household, I would expect the nanny to do exactly what I would do, nip out with the kids to get some more pasta, I always leave extra cash for things like this and empower nannies to make meal planning decisions etc.

I think by now the OP knows it’s customary to make provision for the nanny too but I think she’s more concerned that her kids went hungry. So my advice is to leave some petty cash, and also encourage the nanny to communicate, I hope if she’d texted you, you might have suggested something that meant all 3 of them had a nice dinner.

Anyway, best of luck!

I think it depends what hours the nanny is working. If she’s there across lunchtime I would expect to provide lunch. Dinner, well I guess it depends on her finish time - if she finishes at 6/6.30 and doesn’t have a long commute then I would probably expect her to eat at home, but I’d be happy for her to eat with the kids if she wanted.

Either way I think the key is clear communication. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind providing extra food if the nanny wants, the issue is more that you didn’t realise this was expected and so the kids went short. Time for an open chat about it.

Can we all please be kind....

OP I would just have the conversation with her.

I would be upset to come home and find the children hungry. If anything she should have cut them some fruit up with cheese and crackers. Ask her to do a menu forthe week. Explain that the children come first. Then take it from there.....good luck x

First of all, it is great for the kids to eat with their carer, no matter who that is. So I would not try to change that.

Secondly, yes it is normal for a nanny to eat the food the kids eat. If she was helping herself to other stuff in the fridge it would be concerning, but eating with the kids is normal (even though I know nannies who like to bring their food).

Finally, the real issue is kids going hungry. I don’t agree with the poster that said that is your fault for not having enough food. Even if that is that case, the nanny should have brought something extra from the fridge (cheese, bread, I assume it is not bare).

So my advise is to approach her for the actual problem “I leave that you eat with the kids, but last Xday they complained they haven’t had enough. What should we do to make sure this doesn’t happen”

I have actually had a nanny who ended up running a grocery bill of >£100 weekly and that was on top of my weekly shop. I had to address it but I never told her to NOT eat there.

Good luck