Those adaptations feel perfectly reasonable to me and not at all difficult for the school to support at all.  
In the workplace, employment law supports people with protected characteristics to have reasonable adjustments made for them, so why on earth can't the school support these minor adaptations in the long term?  I would really challenge his existing school to be able to continue to allow these and take this issue to the governors (or similar) if the SENCO or the head doesn't allow it. 
Good luck and keep going - you sound like an amazing, caring parent 

Thanks everyone for your helpful thoughts and advice. We are still reluctant to move him - not least because he has made some friends, loves almost all of his teachers and lessons etc, and we are concerned that any school would be hard, as it is school not this particular school which is the challenge. He is in every day, and doing so much better than he was, it is just he is a long way from his peers. If we could just keep these relatively mild supports (missing a bit of form time in the morning so he can get calm and have a quick call with us, a 5min call at lunchtime, and missing his games afternoon to go to therapy) we would be ok. But I still think the school are going to turn round and say they can’t sustain this support. If that happens we would totally consider somewhere like LPS. We are also potentially getting him assessed, so if it turns out he is on the spectrum or has sensory issues etc, we can adapt accordingly. Just hard for all of us, and I have been waking at 4am every morning since September in a state of anxiety, which is not fun!

Dear Porchester,

Can you advise if London Park School is good for SEN pupils please?  Do you know the class no's by any chance?

MTIA

I’m sorry that your son is having problems- most schools are experiencing more children than ever requiring some extra help. I would say that whether you choose a private or state school, do lots of research into what and how much help and support the school will actually be able to offer your son. Tailor make your questions to your son’s needs, so that you get a clear picture of what is available. I’m sure you would do this anyway, but sometimes we can be given quite general information that doesn’t necessarily help your own situation. Good luck

Have you had a look at the Thomas's Senior School in Putney Vale?

Good luck with your search.

I've heard good things about Ibstock Place by Richmond Park.

Also, co-ed day schools are more relaxed than boys only schools which can be quite competitive.

Depending on the age of your son, Newton Prep in Battersea takes children up to 13 years old.

We moved our son there and think highly of it: more greenhouse than hothouse.

Best of luck.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and I would get him out of that school as fast as you can. To be honest as the new term starts I would be ringing round some of the schools others have suggested to try and get him in as quickly as possible.

When you say rugby is compulsory though - surely as a parent you have a right to say you don’t want him doing it? There were
some letters published in the press a couple of years back from eminent doctors saying how dangerous contact rugby is and that school children should not play it. I would thought that would give you plenty of ammunition for saying you didn’t want your son doing it. I would definitely have gone down that route if my son had gone to a compulsory rugby school.

Sorry to hear about your son, we are in a very similar position with my daughter, since covid anxiety has been high and refusing school now since starting secondary, it has gradually got worse down to half an hour a day if at all. School have been supportive and there is a lot they can do. We have already been through this with my son who is on year 9 and now in a specialist provision as mianstream didn’t work. Have you applied for an EHCP? School should be able to provide support no matter what year they are in and adjustments should be made to accommodate your son. There is also a wonderful support group on fb called ‘not fine in school’ the group has grown immensely as so many children are struggling to attend. Could there be underlying sen needs? The only thing I would say is that state schools have to provide more support as they follow the the Children and Families Act 2014 and the SEND Code of Practice, these do not apply to wholly independent schools, and so these duties do not apply to them. If your child attends an independent school and you pay the fees, the school is not legally required to identify SEN or provide support in the same way. Obviously a lot
Of independent schools are fab but please do bear that in mind.

This is simply not true Starr. You really seem to stir up all school related conversations on this forum... often totally contradicting yourself if one reads all your other posts on other topics. Why? I have no idea...

My son is in a very academic school but he has SEN and often needs some support. So probably a bit similar to your situation Guestuser987. From what I see (I have a big SEN network of mums whose kids are in both senior private and state), I think independent schools provide much better support and pastoral care BUT you need to find the right school. My son was supported incredibly well during the lockdown with SENCO calling every couple of weeks to check how he was coping. In contrast, my friends in the state sector got absolutely nothing. Yes, sadly, some private schools will discriminate against kids who need support and try to push them out. You need to get the right school. For example, our school is very sporty as well as academic and rugby is a big deal. However, if some boys hate it and don't want to do it, they can do another thing instead. My friend's son does tennis and basketball during the rugby lessons. Unfortunately, the location won't be great for you from where you are... The journey would probably be a nightmare but don't give up, ask and speak to as many people as you can. Hope you can find the right place for him

I'm sorry to hear about your child. I know people say the independent sector did much more to maintain educational standards during the lockdowns than state schools but I saw so many children suffer under the pressures of an academic school under these circumstances, including mine and pastoral care is lacking in academic schools. I know a couple of people who turned away academic secondaries due to severe anxiety developed during lockdown and went for more nurturing schools. Catholic though.

Would you consider David Game College or Ealing Independent College? I worked at both as and Assistant teacher many years ago in my early 20s and they are very successful academically and nurturing.

Yes - he is seeing a child psychologist at the Soke clinic (he currently misses games every Friday afternoon to attend the appointment), and we are working with him at home too, but the poor thing just seems to get so scared and overwhelmed. The Covid lockdown really did a number on him, on top of underlying traits, and he is really struggling with being away from us and home and dealing with a huge challenging school.

I know in an ideal world you don't want to move him but the current school really doesn't feel a good fit for your son, especially if they're saying they can't sustain support and sport seems to be a big focus.

In the meantime, has your son had any counselling or therapy to help him manage his anxiety?

Thanks - interesting re LPS - that was not even on our radar. We are based in Parsons Green so need somewhere we can get him to in the mornings etc. His current school is trying to help, but to be still feeling so anxious and needing so many supports after 8months makes me think we may need to take drastic steps and move him somewhere smaller. He does really well in class, but he just needs somewhere to go when he gets overwhelmed and some flexibility (eg not trying to force compulsory rugby after school and on weekends) so he can be in every day. If his current school could do that long term we would probably be fine, but we are getting near the end of year 7 and they are starting to make comments that this level of support is not sustainable…

Maybe take a look at Thames Christian School. They seem to do really well by all of their pupils and have recently moved into a new purpose built building. 

Try London park School, Clapham. It’s currently Northwood Senior but moves to Clapham South in September. It is/will only ever be a small school and the teaching is incredible. Suzie Longstaff from Putney High is the Group Principal.