by MagnoliaMum » Mon Oct 07, 2024 3:39 pm
Here's another point of view to throw into the mix. I have absolutely loved being a stay at home mum and I'm sure I've made it much easier for my husband to focus on his career and get to the very top. We have always treated it as a shared team effort and my husband has understood and valued my contribution of taking over organising everything to do with the family and the home, car, garden etc, so that he can devote more of his energy to work. I don't see it as a necessarily sexist thing; he says that the women who are high up in his organisation also have partners relieving them of home/children duties.
For us, it was never the plan initially but a series of family and health crises meant one of us had to stop for a number of years and it made sense for that to be me (as the breastfeeder, the slightly lower earner and the one who wanted to do the home stuff most). When the dust settled afterwards and my husband's career was escalating, we had a discussion as to whether it made sense for me to go back at least part-time but agreed that the small additional income wouldn't be worth all the hassle (my former area of work was very stressful) and limitations. My husband's job has long hours and is demanding and uncompromising - it would always have to be me taking time off if a child is sick or managing the long school holidays, let alone going to support the kids in school plays, sports days etc. I actively wanted to be there for these aspects of my kids' lives. It has also helped having plenty of time and energy to be emotionally present for them too - this has been essential to manage all the teenage stuff positively and successfully.
I think that if you stay at home then, to keep your own self confidence and prevent your husband (and indeed your kids too) coming to view you as a domestic help, it is essential to make sure you retain an identity beyond 'mum/homekeeper'. So once the children are at school, you should pursue your own interests and hobbies and give back to your community. Charity or voluntary work, supporting extended family, organising social events for friends, fitness, taking courses and learning skills, meeting husband's colleagues etc - there are a lot of ways to give back, to keep yourself and your brain challenged and prevent you growing apart. Another plus for us was being able to get a family dog.
It works for us. We do have a joint account and do all the tax break and pension stuff recommended by other posters. The divorce position would be grim, I'm sure - but then we are probably better off than we might have been. (By the way, it's not clear if you're already married, if not you should absolutely make sure you get married before thinking of quitting your job.) Some of my domestic workload is negotiable (I get my husband to be responsible for a meal at weekends, for example, and to do some of the driving kids to sports) but realistically you should expect to be left with most of the domestic stuff (but you might end up that way even if working, according to statistics!).
The main negative I have found is that people in our society judge you superficially on what you do for a living. It seems that a very low value is given to all the enormous amount of effort that it takes to run a home and a family smoothly and that women can be seen as failures if they don't hold down a demanding job as well! So sometimes when I am meeting new people at a party, it's the first thing they ask and I can be made to feel a bit inadequate or shallow or lazy or as if I'm super-privileged (ok, this one applies!) or worthless because I'm not personally earning money. I try not to care, knowing that it's a team effort, dividing the total 'family labour' so that it is more manageable and sustainable through all life's changes and stresses - of which we've had a lot. There's no way of knowing how things would have turned out otherwise, but we rarely argue, our kids are solid and we are both grateful for what the other is contributing.
As for your decision - unlike in earlier times there are no longer any right or wrong set-ups now and you'll be able to find ways of outsourcing things if you want to keep working too. I think you have to make your decision based on what feels individually right for you (how much of your identity is connected to your job or your parenting? do you have lots of interests you want to pursue beyond home/children?) and what feels right for you as a couple (does your husband have strong views?) and as a family unit (what are the needs of your kids?). It is sensible to think and talk about this all carefully beforehand, as you're clearly doing.
Here's another point of view to throw into the mix. I have absolutely loved being a stay at home mum and I'm sure I've made it much easier for my husband to focus on his career and get to the very top. We have always treated it as a shared team effort and my husband has understood and valued my contribution of taking over organising everything to do with the family and the home, car, garden etc, so that he can devote more of his energy to work. I don't see it as a necessarily sexist thing; he says that the women who are high up in his organisation also have partners relieving them of home/children duties.
For us, it was never the plan initially but a series of family and health crises meant one of us had to stop for a number of years and it made sense for that to be me (as the breastfeeder, the slightly lower earner and the one who wanted to do the home stuff most). When the dust settled afterwards and my husband's career was escalating, we had a discussion as to whether it made sense for me to go back at least part-time but agreed that the small additional income wouldn't be worth all the hassle (my former area of work was very stressful) and limitations. My husband's job has long hours and is demanding and uncompromising - it would always have to be me taking time off if a child is sick or managing the long school holidays, let alone going to support the kids in school plays, sports days etc. I actively wanted to be there for these aspects of my kids' lives. It has also helped having plenty of time and energy to be emotionally present for them too - this has been essential to manage all the teenage stuff positively and successfully.
I think that if you stay at home then, to keep your own self confidence and prevent your husband (and indeed your kids too) coming to view you as a domestic help, it is essential to make sure you retain an identity beyond 'mum/homekeeper'. So once the children are at school, you should pursue your own interests and hobbies and give back to your community. Charity or voluntary work, supporting extended family, organising social events for friends, fitness, taking courses and learning skills, meeting husband's colleagues etc - there are a lot of ways to give back, to keep yourself and your brain challenged and prevent you growing apart. Another plus for us was being able to get a family dog.
It works for us. We do have a joint account and do all the tax break and pension stuff recommended by other posters. The divorce position would be grim, I'm sure - but then we are probably better off than we might have been. (By the way, it's not clear if you're already married, if not you should absolutely make sure you get married before thinking of quitting your job.) Some of my domestic workload is negotiable (I get my husband to be responsible for a meal at weekends, for example, and to do some of the driving kids to sports) but realistically you should expect to be left with most of the domestic stuff (but you might end up that way even if working, according to statistics!).
The main negative I have found is that people in our society judge you superficially on what you do for a living. It seems that a very low value is given to all the enormous amount of effort that it takes to run a home and a family smoothly and that women can be seen as failures if they don't hold down a demanding job as well! So sometimes when I am meeting new people at a party, it's the first thing they ask and I can be made to feel a bit inadequate or shallow or lazy or as if I'm super-privileged (ok, this one applies!) or worthless because I'm not personally earning money. I try not to care, knowing that it's a team effort, dividing the total 'family labour' so that it is more manageable and sustainable through all life's changes and stresses - of which we've had a lot. There's no way of knowing how things would have turned out otherwise, but we rarely argue, our kids are solid and we are both grateful for what the other is contributing.
As for your decision - unlike in earlier times there are no longer any right or wrong set-ups now and you'll be able to find ways of outsourcing things if you want to keep working too. I think you have to make your decision based on what feels individually right for you (how much of your identity is connected to your job or your parenting? do you have lots of interests you want to pursue beyond home/children?) and what feels right for you as a couple (does your husband have strong views?) and as a family unit (what are the needs of your kids?). It is sensible to think and talk about this all carefully beforehand, as you're clearly doing.
