Can anyone recommend a therapist? I have tried before and it was a lot of talking/venting of frustration rather than teaching or guidance on how to communicate better/set boundaries. I issued an ultimatum (out of desperation) and as a consequence we have separated but I very much want to find a way of being able to communicate with my ex-partner for the sake of the kids. 

Thank you for all the responses.

One question for Janet14 you wrote

"To be completely honest though he hated every minute, it was so outside his comfort zone I think it made him even angrier and sometimes we would go in in a fine place and come out in a not so fine place"

Can I ask if you're still together and if anything changed?

Hi
I was in the same boat for many years and felt my husband needed to go to anger management and eventually we needed to go to family therapy. He thought that was damaging for the kids though so we went as a couple. To be completely honest though he hated every minute, it was so outside his comfort zone I think it made him even angrier and sometimes we would go in in a fine place and come out in a not so fine place so I came to the conclusion we were better off going separately but of course he just then stopped going. That being said I loved the therapist and although he’s now not dealing with his work stress and anger she helps me with tools to manage it and improve our relationship.
Hope that helps.

This might sound counter productive, but often talking about the problem doesn’t solve the problem .
So if you don’t succeed to get him to therapy, try to act “as if”.
This means, act ask if you are getting on , act as if you are close/get on/happy/not annoyed etc.

Start putting into the relationship everything you don’t get and want him to do.
Then if you are lucky, it will snow ball and hopefully you will get a reciprocation.
He might be more positive in return then take it from there.
Also, write down what you need from him, if he’s not open to discussing without leading to an argument.

There is something about changing the frequency you operate in.

Good luck!

Hi,
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can be a really lonely place. I went through something similar with my partner a few months ago where he was also refusing to start couples therapy. A therapist friend of mine suggested I reframe the request to something along the lines of “I don’t feel that I’m really understanding your point of view and I think I need help to understand you, in order for me to move forwards with this”. I said it and it worked - he agreed!

However, shortly after I was actually then furious that I had to practically beg him for therapy and have now shut down and we are in the process of separating. Before anyone judges me the catalyst was him refusing to acknowledge that he constantly sl-t shamed my 15 year old daughter about her bikini when we were on holiday in Aug. He saw nothing wrong with this.

So have a think about what you really want as well. What do you want from therapy? Is it realistic? Might be a bit of projection in this reply but reframing the suggestion might bring him round.

All the best to you and your family.

I also really feel for you. I just wanted to add that don't forget therapy can now also be done from the comfort of your own home, online, via zoom, or other virtual platforms. 

Wishing you the very best of luck and please do keep us updated. 

I was in a similar position to Mum2Girlz. Husband had been having therapy due to childhood trauma and chronic insomnia. So, I didn't face the obstacle of having to convince him to "see" the validity of counselling. 

Based on what some of my girl friends say, I know a lot of men struggle with therapy. They can't bear the idea of opening up to a stranger, let alone pay for it. 

Perhaps as a starting point, do something together just the two of you without the children. Find a way to reconnect even if it's something very simple - a walk, a show, etc. Put the phones down and look at each other.

My heart goes out to you. Just know that you aren't the only ones whose marriage needs TLC. I believe counselling helped saved mine. 

So you feel you need a therapist to save your marriage? That’s just like saying, ‘We’re totally compatible… as long as a third party mediates every conversation!’ Because nothing says ‘perfect match’ quite like needing a professional referee to keep things from going off the rails.”

They say marriage is about compromise, but apparently, compatibility now involves booking weekly appointments with a licensed therapist just to navigate dinner plans. Sounds like true love with a side of hourly fees to me.

You could consider speaking to a therapist/counsellor yourself as suggested by @ckwmum. This might help with strategies for what to do now.

If you or your husband work for an organisation of any size, you might have access to an Employee Assistance Provider (see https://www.eapa.org.uk/find-an-eap-provider/). Using an employee focussed service might seem an easier, less threatening and cheaper way in to talking for your husband. They often offer individual and/or relationship counselling through these schemes and they're confidential, though usually time limited.

He also might not want to feel "sent" or pressured to go for therapy. Clearly saying you think there's a problem to solve and want to investigate solutions in a calm way, without trying to force him to do anything, might get through to him at some level, even if he doesn't currently share your view.

We were in the same situation. In our case it was helped by the fact that my husband was seeing his own psychologist due to work stress, so it was easier for me to ask him to speak to her about it and if she could recommend someone.
For us the difficulty is the time commitment, and we then struggled to find someone locally who could do evenings, the one recommended to us couldn’t.
For me it was easier to persuade him to do it as something I needed for my own mental health.
And he has been unhappy in the marriage for some time and quite vocal about it and critical of me, so he couldn’t really keep that up without agreeing that we needed professional help.
Even if the marriage isn’t at breaking point, the right therapist can help communication and make suggestions to improve both of your lives.
Surely if you’re so unhappy you’re thinking of leaving, he must want things to improve for everyone’s sake, including both your happiness and the children.

That's so difficult to be in two such seemingly opposing positions on this.

I am a therapist working in the NHS alongside family therapists and it's not at all uncommon for one or more family members to be reluctant to take part. Sometimes they never engage with it. You could start seeing a relationship counsellor by yourself - this often happens. You could work with the therapist on how to involve your partner, though there's also every chance that could never happen and the process of working with a therapist would still be valuable.

I don't work with couples/families/relationships but can get you some contacts if you're interested in going ahead with this.

Wishing you all the best with this difficult situation.

You've planted the seed so whist he may not agree to it now, he might later.

In the meantime, can you spend the money you would have been spending on therapy on a regular date night out, away from the kids so you can spend time together without the distractions of home. 

If you do take the kids away for a couple of days, can you also have a break yourself at some stage away from the kids with friends or family

Throw away account for obvious reasons.

I think my husband and I need to go to therapy. I won't go into all the details here as I they're the usual suspects but we're drifting apart and work and family commitments are making things much worse.

The issue is that he refuses to even entertain the idea and says we just need to get through the next few busy years and all will be fine.

The problem is that it really isn't fine and I am worried that if we don't get this dealt with now they'll be nothing to save.

Has anyone else managed to persuade a reluctant spouse to go to therapy and how did you do it? I don't want to issue an ultimatum but right I feel like I should take the kids and leave for a few days space and see if the focuses his mind.

All constructive advice welcome.

Thank you.