Hi there
There have been loads of replies already but wanted to add my own. counselling is a good idea as it is incredibly hard for friends not to be incredibly black and white about things which is not always useful (particularly if you decide to stay with your husband). It's because they love you but it can be useful to find a place to work through the tangle of emotions you are going through without worrying about what others think. Some people come through things like this and end up with a better relationship. Of course many don't and decide to leave. However, it sounds like you are still reeling from the shock of it all at this point so you need to process that without judgement or advice from others.
I am a Counselllor and know several others in SW London. If you want an informal chat (some people find it quite intimidating contacting therapists) then please message me and i can help you find someone to help.
This is my practice if you want to check me out: http://www.katehaigh.com
Happy to just chat though. No need for appointment etc.
Best of luck with it all.
Kate

I would just like to congratulate Girlaloud for your courage in coming out and saying it out loud!

To actually speak the words 'I think, or I know my husband/partner is having an affair' is so ridiculously hard! Because often the emotion we feel is shame, that we have somehow failed! The sooner you blow the whistle on him and shout it from the rooftops the quicker you will stop feeling this shame. He is the one with the problem, not you; he failed, not you!

This is a very important point as shame and guilt are the two darkest and most troubling emotions to sort out.

My personal opinion is that generally these things are irreconcilable, although it does happen that people get back together and move on from something like this together, these situations are few and far between.

What is right for you and your situation can only be judged by you!
I forgave the 'misdemeanour', I then forgave the texts that were later found, and other little things that would come out of the wood work. Even when he left my 6 days before our wedding day and left me holding our 18 month baby, I told him he could come back. I gave him money and let him borrow my car because I believed he was going through a mid life crisis and I truly thought this was the 'in sickness' bit of my vows that I hadn't yet taken, but felt I needed to observe....

Make your judgements on this guy based on his actions not his words. Words are easy to say, but if you want to save your relationship then he is the one that must regain your trust, not you learning to trust him!! He must also gain your respect, in short he must do the saving - not you! If he is not doing this, he never will, you will never trust him and your relationship will fail anyway despite your efforts.

Your life will be better, you will be stronger and you will like yourself more for this. Getting over something like this is so empowering. It is incredibly hard, you will think no one will ever want me, especially not with this baggage, I am destined to be on my own etc etc... all of these things are just so not true.

Quite frankly you have reproduced which is the only thing you required a man for! You have no need for one anymore and you will find in time, that you can and do cope - lets face it you were doing it on your own whilst he was 'on business travel' before you officially found out so it wont be any harder! If anything it will be easier as you know where you are! And you will have less anxiety to contend with wondering where he is all the time! When you truly understand that you actually don't need a man you will find it so amazingly empowering. Your confidence will soar and you will be happy! and most probably it is at this point that you will find you bump into a really decent chap who you may very well spend a much happier future with than the scoundrel that is disappearing out of your door at the moment.

Use this time, and view it as a possibility to change all of things that you weren't quite happy with before but you 'compromised on' which is what we all do in relationships. The chances are with this second chance you have been given you will end up with a guy who you are better suited to and is actually worthy of being with you. Don't focus on what you do not have except to make a list of what you want to change about your life. Focus on getting what you want out of life, it will help keep your mind occupied on the positives and stop the 'I wonder if he is with her now... and I wonder how long it was actually going on for!' - waste of time - you will never know, even if he told you the truth you would not belive him, it happened, it sucks - let it go!

And as for come uppance, you will most probably find that due to the 'guilt' of having left his wife and family, his life will take a nose dive. He will go on and repeat the same mistakes, he will balls up someone elses life, and one day you will find yourself just as I do now thinking you had a very lucky escape! I now live with an absolutely amazing guy, who is fun, exciting, kind, loyal, generous and totally amazing with my son. He has no kids of his own and absolutely dotes on my son and I, he is an amazing cook, great at DIY and likes to be in control of stacking the dishwasher!! He is quite frankly 100 times better than my ex in every which way.... I tell you this, because I was so sure when it all first happened that this was it, my life as I knew it was over. Things would never be the same and I would never be truly happy I would never have believed I would be writing this 3 and half years later! This is what you have to look forward to.

I look forward to reading your comments to some stranger on this site one day as you give them hope and encouragement and tell them that they will be happy again just like you. I promise you it will happen!

I am so sorry you are facing this, GirlAloud. My partner and I are working through a similar crisis at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships (TCCR) which is based at Warren Street. I would highly recommend them, we have had counselling before but this is def the best, most challenging and helpful. It's not far by tube but somehow being away from this area helps us to feel freer to be open with the counsellor and each other. http://www.tccr.org.uk/ Sending you my very best wishes x

Hello,

Although your post was last week I have only just read it and feel moved to reply as I picked up a sense of your anguish.
I really do know how it must be for you right now and I'm hoping that sharing my thoughts with you may be helpful.
Of course you are in shock and denial, at the moment you are experiencing very overworked everyday words, trauma, devastation, but for you that's what they are.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix, each day will be different as they bring up new thoughts and feelings and you will need to have someone to share them with, be it a close friend or a counsellor. The most important thing is that you don't try and shut them down.
What has happened is now the past, you can't change it, and maybe couples counselling would be a good route forward giving you the opportunity to hear what each other are really saying. So difficult when the situation is charged with such emotion. When choosing someone to help it is important that you feel comfortable, one of the most important factors of 'good' counselling is your relationship with the therapist.
You speak about forgiveness, maybe not right now whilst you're hurting and angry, but can come after understanding what's gone wrong.
It's also important to make sure you take care of yourself, eating, sleeping, taking a walk, and having good people around you.
Maybe try to deal with one day at a time, not think too much about what has or is going to happen, and only do what feels comfortable for you.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
Morine
Coxlow Counselling

I am so sorry to read your post. I went through a year of counselling after a few personal problems and would highly recommend Hettie Hunter, she saved me and my relationship. She's based in Abbeville Village, do message me for her number.
Good Luck with everything, you need someone to help you be strong during these horrid times.

Hi

I would suggest you consider contacting Relate/London Marriage Guidance as they will work with individuals as well as couples. Should this work for you and you decide to patch the relationship up they will then see both of you. If there is a too long waiting list locally you can see Relate counsellors privately which will cost a bit more but will be quick.

Having been through the counselling if that has not worked I would suggest you see a psychotherapist/hypnotherapist who can use deeper techniques that will help you forgive, move on and learn how to trust again. I see individuals every week in a similar position and this is the route I suggest I only see them if the counselling has not worked.

The only thing I can guarantee is that with time you will feel better but it will be up to him to build the trust up again (not you) and if he does not then move on. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes this is the best way when you are feeling numb.

Chris

I know how much you are hurting right now. I made the mistake of believing and trusting my husband when he said it was over, but after affairs with three different women and unbelievable pain for me I finally had the courage to realise that I, and our three children, could live without him - and as it happens it was the best thing I ever did.
BUT and I can't over emphasise this enough, as other people have already said, you will NEED to rage and cry and shout and scream for quite a while. The images in your head of them together and all the doubt and mistrust will take a very long time to erase.
I didn't seek therapy from professional agencies but I would never have made it through it without my sister and my best friend. These two people never judged me, never told me what I should be feeling or what to do. My best friend was there, either with me on the sofa or on the other end of the phone whenever I needed her and that was usually very late or in the middle of the night when my children were asleep and I couldn't close my eyes for the images that would immediately fill my head. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone who can be there for you too.
Please do what is right for you. Do not be bullied into thinking you have to try and save your marriage for the sake of your child. Whatever you decide to do you must be happy so you can be strong for yourself and your child and do not allow yourself to live a lie because others think that is the right thing to do. You will know if your marriage is worth saving and if it is you will find a way with him to do just that.
I am now incredibly happy with a loving man who has, thankfully, restored my faith in relationships and given me two more lovely children.
Good luck and take care x

Hi

You may well have found someone to speak with now, but if not, I am a therapist in Wandsworth, my details are here: www.sarahkanecounselling.co.uk.

This is a very painful experience for you and I hope you find the support you need.

Sarah

Sorry - wanted to add/clarify...I have recommended couple counselling but I also had sessions of individual counselling also at Relate but truly I found the couple counselling a lot more useful. I had so many questions and things I had to air with him that on my own I kept getting to dead ends...

Hello GirlAloud

I am so sorry that this has happened. Its awful. From a woman and mother who's been there and lived to tell the tale I can tell you things will get better whatever happens.

I can recommend Relate in Wimbledon. I was reluctant to go at first but found it very cathartic to explain how I was feeling without it escalating in to an argument. Sounds like you are bearing the brunt of childcare, work and now dealing with this too. Can you ask your husband to organise the counselling? If he is serious about winning back your respect and forgiveness he needs to do some work now in rebuilding your trust.

I think time apart is sensible. You need to look after yourself at this time. Get your friends and family to rally round you and if shock turns to something darker go to your GP - I had an amazing one who refused to prescribe me anything but instead block booked me appointments to talk to me.

Stay strong and focus on your lovely child.

XXXXXX

@Nell65, that is an incredible post.

I can only say I am in awe of your strength and suggestions for forgiveness.

I went through it. I was pregnant when my husband told me he no longer loved me, no longer wanted the baby. He denied over and over that there was another woman.
Well I eventually found out there was. He told me he'd just snogged her, she sent me (nice of her!) photos of them at a friend's wedding, with her parents, on holiday etc etc.
Then I had to read endless emails and text msgs about their sex life and them swearing undying love. It was beyond painful, it was sheer hell. I imagine like me you are going over and over in your head every bit of it, you will be thinking of them together, it will make you physically sick, you will cry, not be able to sleep. You will want to scream at him, hit him.
He, like most cowardly men, will not want the confrontation and want you to just accept its over and move on. But you won't be able to for a very, very long time.
My child was only a baby so thankfully did not witness any of my raging emotions, but it spoilt what should have been the most wonderful stage of my life forever. I feel sorry for you having to try and hide your feelings from your children.
AS to the future? I would go to counselling if I was you - you will be able to rage and rage and rage. Friends don't know how to cope and although kindly listen can not provide the help a therapist can.
You must really think of how much you love him, if you do then I would say you should find it in your heart to forgive him. It won't be easy, it will be sheer hell.
You will eventually get over the pain, that horrible searing pain that I thought would send me mad. It will always be there like a scar, a deep sadness but it will dim. If you love each other then build your marriage again, don't let that other woman win.
Spend some time together, without the children. talk it out if you can - he won't want to. Trust will be almost impossible in the beginning, you will wonder where he is whenever he goes away.
But if you do get back together then eventually you have to leave this behind. You have to stop thinking of it and talking about it.
My marriage didn't last. But not just because of his affair. All I can say is that if you do love him give him another chance

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. Words cannot really explain what you must be going through, let alone the potential impact that this will have on you and your family.

It cannot have been easy to find out that your emotional trust and loyalty has been misplaced, especially in the way in which you have had to find out. In nearly all of these situations, the impact of this situation is ‘systemic’ and affects a number of aspects in your family’s life. This is something that you have clearly begun to experience with childcare issues.

It sounds as though having some space between you and your husband may be an appropriate place to start, as it will hopefully allow some time to consider what it is you both want from this relationship. As difficult as it sounds at this stage, with all the unprocessed emotions and feelings that you might be experiencing, being able to keep in mind the impact on the children is crucial for their adaptation to the family situation.



Best wishes

Anthony Scrafton (UKCP registered)
Couple and Family Therapist
Tel: 077 7901 2674
http://www.wandsworththerapy.co.uk

Sorry to hear of your awful news, I cannot imagine how you are feeling.

A good friend of mine went through something similar.

She firstly had to decide if she wanted to save the relationship.

Then both together and apart they did a lot of therapy.

They had to go through a lot of stuff from total disclosure of what had gone on ( and I mean TOTAL ) plus very details discussions on how that made her feel and him feel.

This could only be done with a therapist as you can imagine it's incredibly upsetting.

Then at the end of that when she knew what/why/when they both had to decide if they wanted to stay together.

That was done in a proper meeting again with a therapist.

Once they had both committed (and they did) then she was given various "tools" (hate the word but you know what I mean) for coping with the future.

They were cast iron rules about what you couldn't say (e.g. the temptation to use the affair to win any argument in future is very strong and a total no-no if you want to make a go of it) and even code words which when used would signify that the other partner had to stop speaking immediately.

The upshot is that they are now really happy and have got over it but it is 1) an incredibly stressful and long journey 2) needs to be done with therapists


Hope this helps

I suspect its not a trained counsellor or therapist you need, as this is situational more than personal in a sense. though obviously its personal.

would recommend talking to someone you trust, as a professional will not be able to give you the advice I suspect you're hoping for.

unless you want marriage counselling for the both of you, because I also suspect the 2 sides of the story need to be aired if you want to move forward.