This is an issue that its been drilling in my mind in the past few years. I have a toddler and a baby and I am in the middle of a (BIG) career change to become self employed to give myself more flexibility. I am, like many ladies in this post, confused, as people say once they go to school is easier and yet many women give up work at that point.

I am currently also involved in a side business that can take the time you want/have and can generate some cash to cover expenses and treats for you and more should you wish to put more time.

Let me know if you ( or anyone!) want to know more- best of luck but remember whatever you decide will be right for you at the time!

I too am battling with this. My daughter starts school next Sept and feel I need and want to be there for drop off/pick up etc. I am worried I will miss a crucial time in her life if I continue to work such long hours and days (4dpw).

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I will give up but prob when my son (just turned 1) starts school. Gives us a few years to save hard etc before taking a few years out.

We have decided that we will try and go the private route for secondary and I was thinking I needed to keep in work to fund that however reading these replies has made me realise that I have time to set up my own business or look for something later on that will help fund school

I don't want to be full of regrets and feel its important that one parent is around for our children as my husband travels and works long hours

pinky wrote:Those children today they not children for ever they will grow up , but there will be always jobs .....those precious moments will never come back enjoy your children .......
Good Luck .

Love it!

I know...it is so unfair (although it isn't worth whining about..just our lot). But still, how lucky are men? And how were we raised completely believing we could do the career and motherhood without understanding how unrealistic it is on so many levels? One or the other has to suffer.

I used to think that only mothers who were well funded by husbands with fabulous paychecks stayed home. Now I realise that it is a major financial sacrifice that most are making...not to mention the other issues of self-worth, intelligent undertakings, and putting our time and hard work into endeavours where we actually get recognised and thanked for our hard work.

The best we can do is dig deep about what is most important to us...not to the judgers who surround us. And to support each other no matter which side of the fence we land.

This is timely for me as well. I went back to work 10 months after giving birth: I hated maternity leave, I was so bored, lonely and depressed and going back to work was really great. My work is not perfect, but it's more than just a 'job' - it's my career that I've worked hard at for 20 years.

My child is 3 and at nursery and that is ok, but I agree that I will be more needed during the school years. I would so love to be home after school, to talk about the day, or go out and do something together. Those after-school clubs are not great - I know kids who went there and they hated it. My mum was always home after school when I was young, and it was lovely to be welcomed home each day.

It would be the end of my career if I left it for a few years though. Since I am an older mum I would be over 50 by the time I tried to get back, competing with 25 year old newly trained kids. It would be a huge, huge sacrifice, giving up my life goals, my financial independence, and a big part of my identity; I would really be retiring, very very early! and I am not ready for retirement yet - I am at the peak of my working life.

So I have decided not to decide, yet - to wait and see what school we get, anyway, and what kind of afterschool care I can find. And to subtly prepare the way for a big reduction in my hours, should I be able to secure that, in a couple of years. Either way it is going to be so difficult.

The mention of financial dependence makes me post here - I have a day job and I also have a part-time business that I fit in around the rest of my life. It will give me financial independence in about 5 years from starting it (2.5 years in!). Anyone can do what I'm doing as it's in partnership with a FTSE 250 company that give you everything you need to do & run your business. If you'd like to know more, call me or email me at clare.lupton@gmail.com

Clare 07595 430 560

Personally I gave up work when my son was 4 (and I just have the one, so logistics are of course much easier). However, with no family near, and a husband that is working long hours and always travelling, it seemed like the best option. Just to regain balance in our family. It has been very good for my son. I also made sure I kept my toe in work, and did some free lance work, and lots of volunteering in school and sportsclub. Now, 4 years later, I don't regret it, but I do believe you have to take everything into account. Yes, there will always be jobs, BUT, you might not get them. Getting back to the level you were at, will be very, very hard work, and may never happen. Being financially dependent has been very tough for me emotionally, and has changed the power dynamics in my relationship. So you can do it, but it comes at a price. Especially long-term. It really is tough getting back in after 5-10 years, and some women never manage to. This is not to scare you, just to make sure you know what you are getting into. You may also like to read this blog on how to keep your skills current: http://www.mumandcareer.co.uk/resources ... ity-leave/.

I would say: do give yourself some time to adjust to your new life-style, but set a deadline. When will you be building your own skills again? It is really easy to fill your days with looking after the children and related tasks, and never get around to you, your skills and future any more. Meanwhile your husband's career will develop further.

Those children today they not children for ever they will grow up , but there will be always jobs .....those precious moments will never come back enjoy your children .......I know how hard I have been there but when you accept it and start leaving with out a job less money this and that , it may seem hard for know trust me you will be happier .

Good Luck .

The administrivia of being a mother of school-age children these days is just crazy! And homework needs get greater and greater....especially up until year 6. I can't imagine leaving that to a 3rd party when so much is at stake. And having strong relationships with the school, and other parents from the school really does make a big difference to your children's sense of belonging, self-esteem and confidence in you and themselves. It just isn't possible at the same level if you are working full time.

This!! And love 'administrivia'.

I only have three in school at the moment but am dreading having four - the complexity of my after school matrix is already mad - with all of the extra curricular activities that they do, and trying to fit in homework, preparation for 11+ for my eldest and just generally running the house, I don't know where I used to find the time to work.....in fact I just found that I was a poor employee, poor mother and poor wife because I just couldn't do everything.....I do still keep in touch with my old firm and I have had a couple of freelance contracts - but increasingly as the children get older, I can see them needing me more, not less, so having a flexible job is going to be vital....the holy grail I suspect.

It's a really tough decision and what works for some wouldn't work for others - so all you can do is work through all of the pros and cons and see which way the list is weighted.

Just chiming in and supporting the majority opinion here. I stopped working when no. 2 of 4 was one year...I thought it was just insane trying to work (insane for me that is). Once all were in school (youngest is now year 2) people asked if I considered going back to work (I have been working at home freelance this whole time). I considered it, but the reality is that it is so much harder now!

The administrivia of being a mother of school-age children these days is just crazy! And homework needs get greater and greater....especially up until year 6. I can't imagine leaving that to a 3rd party when so much is at stake. And having strong relationships with the school, and other parents from the school really does make a big difference to your children's sense of belonging, self-esteem and confidence in you and themselves. It just isn't possible at the same level if you are working full time.

And don't even get me started on the emotional/social challenges they will need you for that do require presence and time!

Even if your career doesn't allow for working at home, it is always possible to retrain yourself, start a little business, etc. I was in higher education, which definitely doesn't have work-from-home options. So I started online businesses, blogged a little, and learned graphic and web design. A few years were a little touch and go, but I have more than enough work to keep me busy, and I can fit it in around the needs of my kids. It is often pure madness and at times I wish I could just employ someone to take the load off. But at the end of the day I can't imagine missing so much of these crucial years. I have to be content with having 30 years or so once they all leave to do the other stuff!

Good luck with your choice! It so isn't easy...cause there is no perfect option for us these days.

Thanks for your responses

Good to hear so many of you are feeling the same
I actually took short periods of maternity leave for this country (4 months) and it was all great with a nanny. At the time I decided to go back (part-time) because I enjoy(ed) my job and was worried about being bored stuck at home all the time with no family very close.

It worked great but school is definitely different. For a start the nanny arrangements are different and whilst good afterschool care exists arrangements we've found so far have always been more short lived. We currently have a lovely afterschool nanny but each of my working days, bubs go to bed later because otherwise they wouldn't see me and are more tired the following morning.
At the moment they are too young for 'real' homework but I can only see it becoming worse when they do. By day 3 (the end of my working week) they also get more clingy and needy and as I'm also tired it's just a terrible combination.

As the atmosphere/work in my workplace has gone downhill giving up is definitely getting more attractive for plenty of reasons. So great to hear it worked out for you, AHW and Supergirl.

I went back to work 4 days a week when my DS was 7 months old & he started nursery when he was 1.

My plan was always that once he started reception, I would do 5 short days so I could pick him up from school & be with him until bedtime.

I agree about LOs needing you more once they start school.

Also following with interest - as I feel the same ! I work 4 days a week and constantly feel guilty about missing out on matches against other schools and not being at the school gates to pick them up. I try not to miss out on assemblies, performances etc, but I can't take time off every time they have a match / competition. I also find that by the time I get home from work, I am tired & they are tired and we don't really have any quality time during the week. My nanny doesn't drive and as a result they are also missing out on after school activities because they are limited as to far they can go (for example my daughter would love to do gymnastics but on public transport it would just take too long to take her there and get back at a decent time)

Unfortunately for us its not a choice - we have gone down the private school route and therefore I have to work. But if I had a choice I would give up immediately for a good 5 years until they are a bit older ... by the time they are teenagers they will probably not want me at the school gate anyway !

Following with interest as I feel the same.
The myth about having time off as babies / toddlers then going back to work when they're at school is just that - a myth ! They absolutely do need you more once they start at school, especially the higher they get. The homework, the after-school time, tea-time chats ...... just your time and your presence.
So I'm struggling with the same (I work 3 days, have one in juniors plus a toddler). I'm feeling a pull toward time with my junior that I never experiemnced whilst working with her as a baby/toddler.
So tricky, you aren't alone.

I gave up work after I had my fourth child - I found the juggling, international travel, dealing with an unreliable nanny, making sure everyone had a piece of me just too difficult!! My eldest son kept asking why the nanny picked him up and why I couldn't be at the school gates/assembly/sports day/helping at school etc, and I decided that there were too many plates spinning. My husband also has to travel a fair amount and is rarely able to attend school events - so we bit the bullet, and I gave up my (by then) 3 day a week well paid career.

I miss the office and the adult conversations which don't revolve around children/schools (!), and I miss the financial independence BUT my children are SO much happier - I have time to give to them all indidivually - and I know that I will go back and do something once all of my children are a bit older (they are currently 9,8,5,3), so for the moment, I have no regrets.

We have actually now moved out of SW London, so I have spent the past 2 years getting a new Free School open in the area where we now live, and I have been involved in the school PTA and doing some voluntary work - so I have kept myself busy, and given myself things to put on my CV. It would be easy just to stay at home, do housework and do coffee mornings etc, but I try to keep a balance between doing stuff for the family, and keeping my sanity by doing things for me.