I cannot thank everyone for replying and making me feel so much better about myself and the holidays. The advice here is wonderful. I shall be calling my sister out if she gets bitchy, I will be feeling proud of my choices and I will be asking my husband to have my back. I will also make an effort with both of SIL's. A million thank yous you are all wonderful.

Please be assured you are absolutely not alone. I am in a very similar position, and am equally dreading Christmas. Everything you say resonates with me too. After every get together with my SIL I am left feeling totally inadequate and useless about my life.

She just has an unsaid way of putting me down, and despite what anyone says, it's very hard to rise above it. I lead a busy and fulfilled (and happy!) life raising my family, but am not working at the moment. She also has a family but is self employed and runs her own business. Every time I see her she asks me when I'm going to get a job, and is extremely competitive comparing what my children are up to (extra curricular activities etc) with hers. Our respective children have different schooling backgrounds too (private and state), so that compounds issues further. Whenever I talk to my friends about it they say she has a massive inferiority complex.

It always takes me a few days to decompress after seeing her, but the feeling she leaves me with is always the same, however hard I try not to let it get to me. It's very hard for other people to relate unless they are in the same shoes, and I really feel for you - sending a big hug! Hang on in there - probably like me you will be breathing a huge sigh of relief by the 1 January that you have endured and survived yet another tricky Christmas, and somehow got through it. Remember that Christmases will be different one day, as life and circumstances change.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said -

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Worth remembering in all situations.

I feel for you OP!

Have you considered if you really want to do this for xmas?
I get it, family you don’t get to choose, but do you really want to spend xmas like that?
We have been going away to a warm country for xmas since a few yrs ago, and it’s really lovely not to have to spend xmas with family you may not necessarily love.

May not suit everyone , but if it’s not pleasant, why waste your time?

Hi,

As you’ve read your post resonates with many other people.. I posted on here about my SIL too, similarly to you I’ve had to endure many years of anxiety and stress before any family event but also the family WhatsApp group!

What does your husband say about this? Is he close enough to his sibling to discuss? .. reason why I’m asking is that the situation for us changed after we had kids and my SIL behaved in manner which couldn’t be ignored anymore. My husband eventually realised that he had to step in and did so by having a candid conversation with his brother. This conversation happened before the summer holidays and even though the brothers met up, we’ve only just had our first ‘whole’ family do (around 18ppl) which was lovely- don’t get me wrong I didn’t spend much time with her but I felt good about the day. To be fair to my SIL , she owned the situation (as much as one can expect from someone like that), she realised that she had to change and was pleasant on the day- of course there wasn’t any acknowledgment or any apologies but after years of having to endure her shocking behaviour I’m happy to put it all behind me and have a nice family environment.

Someone above mentioned that you might be feeling a bit insecure (sorry if I’ve misquoted the person).. I’d say maybe she’s insecure and unhappy about something in her life.. could that be it too (She’s battling something)? Not that this us an excuse but sometimes you can get your head around that a bit… although whilst I’m typing this to you, I know that I couldn’t feel any sympathy towards my SIL, just at the injustice of it all. The roles are reverse in my situ, I work, my SIL doesn’t .. pre-kids, she said I was abandoning my husband when I was away for business even if she relocated to another country every holiday (without her husband!)…Some people just want to be difficult regardless of what their status..after kids. she would regularly mention I should do the ‘right’ thing and give up my job because we can afford it.. I honestly don’t know why some people live their lives butting in things that aren’t their business but here we are!

Good luck with it all..

Poor OP - Christmas isn’t always a time of good cheer, and I am sorry you are dreading it.
Wearing my mediator hat - I sometimes do conflict coaching for one person in a dispute/difficult situation where the other won’t mediate - can I suggest a few things? Some of these echo what others have said:
- It’s true that no-one can ‘make’ you feel something, although they might hope you would react in the way you do. Of course everyone has their own reactions and feelings, but there are a few tricks you can try in order to manage them.
- It’s also really human to speculate on why someone is doing something (they are doing it on purpose/they don’t like me/etc) and whether they will do it again. You can’t know, so all that does is let her occupy your mind even while she isn’t doing anything (like now, in the run-up to Christmas). So, if you feel yourself speculating about why/when/will it happen again, draw on your inner Elsa and ‘let it go’.
- Identify a few things that you like doing, or which give you a moment of calm/happiness/pleasure. It might be having a cup of tea, a particularly good book you want to read, going for a walk, or a really bad joke book that you can dip into and make the kids laugh. If you feel your SIL beginning to upset you (either over Christmas, or occupying your headspace in the run-up before you see her), do one of those things immediately. Don’t excuse yourself, just turn away and put the kettle on/tell the kids a silly joke/go and have a bubble bath/etc. The point is partly distraction, but it’s also just choosing to do something you like rather than tolerating something you don’t like.
- I’ve heard about, but never used, a tool which sounds quite helpful. If someone is actually rude or aggressive to you, especially in front of others, and you can’t do one of your chosen activities, try this instead. Take a decent pause at the end of their rant/sentence, maybe look around if there are others there, then look calmly at them and say sympathetically “are you ok?” (Or something very similar). It is really hard to carry on ranting in the face of a calm question which points subtly to your behaviour but is not accusatory.
Sorry for a long message. Good luck, and I hope you have a much happier Christmas this time. 

Agree with above poster that your husband should be the main one interacting with her and you take a more back seat.
The problem is you don't like your partner's sister who sounds rather overbearing. He chose to marry you and you aren't in this mould.
I wouldn't get drawn into spats and if you see her rarely I imagine highlighting your personality clash is less advisable than trying to see where you could possibly agree.
If you are not prone to anxiety and you are suffering this much then perhaps try some CBT so it all gets put in an easier perspective .Maybe she has issues trying to prove herself to you, for example. Good luck hope it works out better in long run.

Hi @m6girl

I agree with @muddyboots.
I stopped work when my 1st child was born then shortly after my second. I started freelancing when the 2nd one started reception.
I have been raised by a successful mum who sold her business 5yrs ago, and I have 2 siblings who are incredibly successful, my husband is too and his sisters are all very successful in their own way. Plus their mum and dad are such deity that nothing can be said about them.

For years, I felt a mixture of envy (they all are successful), of inferiority (somehow i felt they were looking down on me), of resentment (being a glorified cleaner), of sadness (I am ambitious and i felt i had lost myself), and pure happiness (to be able to raise my children and see them grow). It was hard.

Until I turned 40, survived a cancer and decided to f..k it and start understanding and accept my mixed emotions.
I know for a fact that people can be mean and can bully (I was bullied when younger). But I also know that I didnt have to accept that the words those people were saying could hurt me. I didnt have to accept that they could have this power over me. I also at the same forgave my bullies.
I do believe I was a target because of low self esteem, and all those emotions I felt when with my sisters, mother and sister in law was my doing. I let their words and attitude affect me.

So I started to speak up for myself. I realised in that process that most of them were jealous that I took the plunge and resigned. They would have loved to be there with their children. In the process, I have worked my self esteem up - i live my own life: friends, exercises, holidays and networking to further develop myself intellectually. And now I have started my own business.

What I am saying is it doesnt have to be this way. You have made the courage decision to forgo a lot of yourself to raise a family, they have made the courage decision to juggle a family and work. You are ALL successful in your own way. Do not let those feelings ruin your self esteem and Christmas in the process. Book yourself a spa day afterwards to five yourself a pat on the back.
But you have the power. It took me 10yrs to get there but now I have a wonderful realtionship with them all but for short time. 3 days is enough for me

Good luck

I sort of agree with muddy boots and sort of don’t. It feels too absolute too suggest a Nil Desperandun, don’t let them bother you approach. This would suggest that every person who is bullied (as that’s what this is) whether adult or child, just needs to not let it bother them. Unfortunately we are not robot(sometimes I wonder would the world be a much simpler place if we were) but as individuals we are a mass of feelings constructed from our own personal histories. Yes we can learn how to respond in a way that looks after us as best we can - but we can’t really feel unhurt when attacked unless we have a wall of steel defence system who can bring its own issues
Often the ‘bully’ is the one that was bullied when young, or felt very insecure. I wonder what is in the history of your husband and his sister that has put you in a situation where all this bad feeling is being projected onto you? That aside, where is your husband in all this? Can you talk to him about what it’s like for you at these gatherings? Ask him for some support? Knowing someone has got our back in these situations can be very helpful. I’m almost tempted to suggest you reach out to your sister in law ahead of Christmas and tell her what you have just told us - edited obviously- but how stressful and upsetting it is for you and how you wished you had a better relationship. But if you think it would make things worse it’s something I would urge you to do in the new year - it’s not right you have years of this to come. Best of luck xx

    

The internet is littered with quotes about family. I like this one… “You don’t get to pick your family, but you can pick your teachers and you can pick your friends and you can pick the music you listen to and you can pick the books you read and you can pick the movies you see. You are, in fact, a mashup of what you choose to let into your life”

Clearly you’re not alone so if it’s hitting you hard on the day when the daggers are flying, close your eyes for a second and connect with the thousands of others experiencing the same emotion.. smile and remind yourself of the things and people that you love and who love you.. at the end of the day, she’s just annoying and unkind.. and that’s not for you to fix

My apologies I haven’t ready all the responses.

I am also absolutely dreading Christmas .It’s a crazy amount for effort for little or no return in enjoyment.

I won’t go into the detail , but you are but you are not alone .
I have however booked a spa day with my university best friend which i have booked on Dec 29th, which will
help me
massive get through christmas .

Sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time with family visits. I had about 10 years of awful ones and it took a stranger commenting on the way my in laws treating me for them to take notice and change.

It’s hard to know exactly what the issues are from your original message but they seem to centre around work and being a working mother? It isn’t always easy being a working mother.. As young girls were told we can have it all but the reality for many women is they genuinely end up carrying it ALL. This can feel overwhelming and often leads to people feeling like they’re falling short at work, at home, and socially. Perhaps her boasting is her way of trying to compensate for that, and actually comes from a place of insecurity.

You also say that you often say the wrong thing which leads me to wonder whether you are saying things that may feel like criticism to her? Perhaps as you both try and justify your different life choices to one another, it reads as if you are criticising each other?

If you’re genuinely interested in salvaging the relationship, it may be worth just taking an interest and reaffirming her. You could tell her how much you admire her, and ask her more about the things she talks about.

As others have said, keeping focus on your family helps. I often see time with my in laws as an opportunity to have a break from childcare. I pack a good book and take breaks from the intense interactions to have a little lie down and recharge. We’re all much happier for it.

Wishing you all the best for the holidays! <3

Ah yes, we can definitely agree that sometimes people are just idiots - as long as we remember that we are part of “people”!!

Yes, interesting debate, even if off toplc.

I just wanted to clarify.
I hope the OP manages to survive Xmas.

Perhaps I should have said we own our reactions. There is always a choice, even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment.
It easier and more comfortable to blame the person who makes your blood boil but often our reactions have a lot to do with us and our own triggers.
And of course, sometimes people are just idiots