Been where you are and still struggling.

How did it go for you?

Me again. I also REALLY agree with MrsBFromBalham about not needing to meet the new partner first. What will it achieve for the situation? For you personally? See my post again about making things into bigger deals than they warrant. I don't think this will do anything to help move your situation forward and again - IME - it's just going to be something you stress about beforehand, behave uncharacteristically during and fret/agonise about afterwards. If she is a keeper in his life, you'll have the chance to meet her for genuine reasons. Don't compound your stress by forcing this. Just my thoughts.

I rarely post on here as usually smarter folks have said what I would've said first and usually better - but this definitely struck a chord in my heart. I, like all the rest of the posters, agree with TPTP. I became a stepmother 18 years ago (I was young! I'm not THAT old!) and even though I was not the "cause", my SDs' mother spent SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY trying to not just make our lives miserable but using my poor SDs (who were 3 and 4.5 when I met my DH) as emotional punching bags with her vitriol towards me in particular.

Whatever this woman has said or done until now, whatever your ex-partner says or does - all that matters is your children. The more of an issue you make of his new partner, the bigger issue it will be - meaning that while you are not wrong to be protective of who he introduces/exposes them to, ultimately you have the power to make it be a VERY BIG DEAL to some very young children (who will always want to ensure they don't hurt your feelings because you are their mummy) or to show them, through your actions, attitude and behaviour that yep, Daddy has a new girlfriend, you're sure she's a nice person because Daddy is a nice person, you know they love Daddy and it's fine to like his new girlfriend. I was witness for many years - no matter how hard I tried to prove that I knew "my place" i.e. was NOT trying to be their mother - to how confusing and distressing it is when children who love both parents feel they have to prove their "loyalty" to one of the parents. Show them they have nothing to prove to you. Help them understand that you are fine with their happiness (meaning that you want them to enjoy their weekends with their Dad) even if that means smiling through gritted teeth during drop off and pick up.

Kids are smart. They also love their mamas and probably are worried about upsetting you as much as they are about meeting this new woman. Please help them not to see her as a threat! We aren't all wicked or out to take a mum's place!!! And be kind to yourself as well!

Fab advice here already. TPTP has really hit the nail on the head. Just really wanted to reinforce the fact that your children will most definitely thank you later for handling this so well. My parents were in a similar situation when they separated when I was 5 and now (nearly 30 years later) they still manage to have a very amicable and peaceful relationship, although I know it was very hard for them both (particularly my dad as he was "you" in their situation)... You are clearly handling this quite incredibly and I cannot imagine how utterly heartbreaking this must be for you, but if you can manage to keep things as amicable and pleasant as possible it will pave the way for a much brighter and peaceful future. Sending you a big hug, you're clearly a super mummy and a superstar xxx

Firstly, I want to day how sorry I am that you are in this a tough situation and I know that because I have been through it.
You are doing amazingly well and should give yourself a massive pat on the back for dealing with it so well.
I think TPTP is right and that while being no push over, your best course of action is to be friendly and accommodating for the sake of your children - in a word co-parent - which is harder than it seems.
Even if they don't now, your kids will thank you later for making your separation from their dad the least traumatic/distressing that it could be for them. However amicable you two are, it's still tough on the kids to see their parents separate (I know mine is till upset about it several years on). So to show united front as parents is essential - even if it means accepting they meet his new partner - no matter how much you hate it.
TPTP is also right that option (2) does come with a substantial therapy bill and numerous bottles of wine drunk while crying on friends' shoulders, but you will be a better and happier person for it - knowing you are doing the right thing for your children.
One final thought: do you really have to meet your ex's new partner? Is that really going to help you or your kids in any way to have that meeting? Or will it just be really upsetting? When I was at that cross-road I decided not to as I felt his new life is nothing to do with me - we co-parent and we agree on ground rules on how the new partner engages with the kids and that's it.
all the best

Tooposhtopush,
Brilliant!!! Great advice. Makes ton of sense. Big mind shift for me. Hugely appreciated! Thank you.

Hi Allgood
Firstly can I say I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It can't be easy to go through so much upheaval and I think you're coping really well

Secondly I think you have to decide what sort of single parent you want to be.

This is going to sound a bit harsh but I've seen this with so many of my friends and they (not you, my friends) fall into two camps:

1) the mothers (and it's all mothers, I don't know any single fathers whom I am close to) who are not yet prepared to fully let go. They want to punish their partner, will use every opportunity to needle their partner and will use subtle (and not so subtle) mind games on their children so the children perceive the mother in a 100% innocent light, the father in a 100% negative light and the new women as slightly more evil and deranged than Kim Jong Un.

The reason why so many of my lovely and rational friends do this is they want to punish their partner, are still in denial that they're single mums and want everyone to know that it's not their fault. Some people (because they love you) will go along with this because they hate to see you hurting or because they also feel the same way.

The problem with this approach is that its negative and hurts everyone. It hurts your ex-partner and his new partner (there is no reason you should care about this and I don't expect you too but it does reinforce his view that he is better out the relationship), it really hurts the children as the unit they've been brought up by and been told for so long is fun and loving has suddenly turned toxic and poisonous and that scares and unsettles them and assuming he has some access rights then you're telling them that every other weekend they're spending 48 hours living in the home of people they should hate. Lastly, it hurts you as one can't behave like that without some of the spite rubbing off on you.

2) the second approach is to be kind, magnanimous and accommodating (not a walk-over, but a human being and remind children to love and respect the adults in their lives whatever mistakes we make

I am NOT saying you are (1) or (2) but I AM saying that I have seen this so many times and EVERY friend of mine who has done (1) has spent a couple of years getting bitter and twisted.

(2) is the way to go but probably comes with a therapy bill (seriously) or some seriously good friends you can unload. Friends of mine who have done (2) have ended up happier and more stable and when YOU meet your next partner you've set a precedent.

I hope it all works out, you're well within your rights to go for (1) but (2) will make you and your children happier!

Hope this helps and GOOD LUCK!!!

XXXXX

Hi Nappyvalley people,

Need some help from you wise people pls. - My ex and I separated 6 months ago, he went off with another woman, and it's been excrutiatingly painful and very nasty. From just 5.5 weeks in, he wanted to introduce our children to her. At this incredibly early stage and the age of the children, 8 and 5, I felt it was utterly inappropriate and totally selfish on his part and everyone I told and my solicitor thought he was totally mad. I managed to prevent him from that first crazy threat with a solicitor's letter. He threatened a few more times after that and I had to send another solicitor's letter at one point, but they just passed their 6 month anniversary last week and he had a big conversation with me at the wkend telling me he thinks it's definately time now. He had intended to introduce them all on Saturday (having of course not told the children that's what would be happening on their weekend with Dad!). It ended up not happening as both children told him that they didn't want to meet her that day and are not ready to meet her yet and my 5 year old told his Dad he was scared to meet her! Fortunately, he actually listened to his children and put their interests ahead of his own for once. But of course he's pushing for the next weekend he has them, so we'll see if they're ready then.

Meanwhile, for my part, I don't think I can delay it any longer and I'm not too bothered anymore about putting it off any longer and yes I accept they are obviously together seriously, - so I told him, fine, but very firmly that I will be meeting her before the children do. No, I don't really want to spend a second in the woman's presence, I mainly just said it for the amusement of making it a bit more difficult for him and freaking him out , which it did! But ultimately, even 'though it will probably be very painful and difficult, I do want to meet her because of course I want to get a measure of her, see how she treats my children, see what's really between my ex and her, feel her energy, see her mannerisms, - and see how she responds to me, because I've learnt a lot about her in the last 6 months, and as much as of course I would detest her, I actually think she's quite a nasty woman, and is going to totally rub it in my face that she has got my husband. He's already told me that she 'despises' me! - and has no interest in his children!!? Both of which are probably not quite true, just said to wind me up, but could be used against her, because how do I know they're not true?!

So people, how do I behave???!! What do a I do? What do I say? What do I ask? Help! I want to be as prepared as I can possibly be for when the day finally arrives.