Explaining death to a toddler Post Reply

[Pop]

Hi all,
I'm hoping for some guidance on something I'm dreading. A relative has just been admitted to a hospice and it looks like I will soon be having to explain to my 3 year old that the relative has died. I've mentioned to her that this relative is very poorly, but haven't wanted to overburden her.
Does anyone please have any advice on how I can handle this?
Thanks
Pop

[Amme_2005]

My mother died 3 years ago when my dd was 9 months. She was too young to explain it to but she has recently started asking where my mummy is (as we see her other grandparents a lot).

I have simply told her that my mummy is in heaven. When she first asked and I gave her this response, she replied with 'can we go and visit her?'. I said 'not right now, but one day in the future'. She simply said OK and then asked for a biscuit and went back to playing with her dolls.

So, not directly the same but i would suggest just being truthful but in simply terms. 'XYZ was very sick and has now gone to heaven (or has gone to the sky/whatever you are comfortable saying) so you wont see them any more'. Depending on your beliefs, you could say they are happy now/not sick/watching over you all but just keep it simple

I think we adults tend to be more upset than children over these things - i am always amazed at how resilient they are.

I hope that helps - must be a sad time for you

[erayna>s]

Hi

There is a great book called Water Bugs and Dragonfiles: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up) [Paperback]. i found this a great book and the children responded really well to it.

This book uses the analogy of the waterbugs' short life under water as human's time on earth and their emergence as dragonflies into the bright sunlit world above the water as human's life after death. It is designed to provide adults with the opportunity to talk about death as being part of the life cycle, which can be a reassuring way of explaining death to children.
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Hope this helps

Erayna x

[Pop]

Thanks both. A book sounds a good idea for my little one. I've just told her and she said "don't worry Mummy, when I'm a fairy I will bring her back with my magic". If only it worked like that!

[Beketaten]

I would not explain death as being in heaven or as some kind of life after death to a small child. How then do you explain the fact that the body is still here, and that we have burials and cremations? I would say that the person was very old, or very ill, and that their body had stopped working and that they won't be around anymore. We lay their body to rest in the ground, or we turn it into smoke, and we gather together to remember that person and the life that they lived, but that it is OK to be sad and to miss them.

[nvmof3]

My father dies when my children were 3, 1 and 8 weeks respectively. On the suggestion of their nursery teacher, I bought some helium balloons and took them to the common. We released them and watched them ascend until they were out of sight. I explained that even though we could no longer see the balloons and we would never see them again, they were still up in heaven floating around, just like their Grandfather. They loved thinking that their Grandfather got to catch their balloons. We are a Christian family so the life after death message is easier to convey as there is context that they are already familiar with.
Good luck with your relative. If you can, take photos of your children with them. My kids love all photos of them with their Grandfather - even the ones in the hospice. It helps them to "remember".

[MrsOctober]

There's another wonderful book 'Badger's Parting Gifts' I began reading it to my children when my mother was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. She died very early one morning and my 5yr old walked into our room to find 4 people crying. When told that grandma had gone to heaven this morning, he paused for a moment and then said 'Just like badger" and all conversations in coming days were had in the context of the badger story. It made things easy to discuss and made the whole thing more acceptable from my kids' point of view. The book doesn't mention 'heaven' but suggests he's gone to a better place so parents can interpret it however they like.
All the best to you and your loved ones for the days ahead. x

[MrsOctober]

There's another wonderful book 'Badger's Parting Gifts' I began reading it to my children when my mother was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. She died very early one morning and my 5yr old walked into our room to find 4 people crying. When told that grandma had gone to heaven this morning, he paused for a moment and then said 'Just like badger" and all conversations in coming days were had in the context of the badger story. It made things easy to discuss and made the whole thing more acceptable from my kids' point of view. The book doesn't mention 'heaven' but suggests he's gone to a better place so parents can interpret it however they like.
It's available on Amazon.
All the best to you and your loved ones for the days ahead. x

[supergirl]

I had to explain to my 2 children (5yrs and 3.5 yrs) very recently the death of one of their friend (roughly the same age). It was an awful time for all of us especially the parents of that child, one of those unfortunate course of events.
Anyway.
First of all, talk about it if it someone they know, and are likely to see that they are not around anymore. I havent told my kids about my grandmither because they were too young, had never met her. When they ask me about grandparents i tell them they are very lucky to have them all 4, that sometime in life when you are v old or v ill you can die.
So what is death?
In our house and vecause of the very recent events. We said that sadly few ilnesses are so bad that doctors cant do anything to cure you but can sometimes ease the pain. We talked about not breathing anymore and closing your eyes forever. We talked that the bodies are buried in the ground so we/people can go bring them flowers, drawings, etc.
They asked me how they could remember their friend. I said that some people believe including me that if you love a person very much they are forever in your heart. I said they can think of them as angels so you can think about them anytime you want. We went to light a candle in the church. We didnt talk about heaven or life after death because we are not religious in a sense that we dont believe that some people goes in heaven and some goes to hell.

You need to say it as a matter of fact. You must answer all their questions and tell them they can talk about it anytime they want. The most important thing is to talk about it.

Good luck.

[ckwmum]

I agree that you should be straightforward about it. A friend of mine pointed out that it's adults, not children, who see death as a taboo. Kids just deal with stuff.

A neighbour's dog died and instead of telling my son that the dog had gone away or was in the clouds or something abstract, I said the dog was very sick, she went to see the doctor but unfortunately the doctor couldn't help and the dog died. I said it's OK to be sad. I said it just means the dog isn't here anymore.

My uncle then died last year and I went to the funeral and my son was very interested in the concept, and he seemed to really get it. He often asks questions about it and I'm just completely honest - sometimes people are just too sick to be helped.

We're lucky not to have had someone my son knows well die yet, but hopefully we've helped get him used to the idea.