Wife objecting to paying school fees for nephew Post Reply

[Cityhubby]

Previously I've seen some very helpful advice on here so I thought I might share my own dilemma and hopefully you might be able to help.

I am a middle aged man who works in the City.

I do very well. Not as well as some around SW London but well well well into six figures, I mention this not to boast but because I think this part is important for my query later.

I'm from the North West of England and I come from a a working class background. I'm partly in this situation because I won a scholarship to an independent school at 13 and then went to an amazing university and before I knew it I was working for a bank.

Although I won a scholarship my parents still had to scrimp and save to pay for the discounted fees and my Dad sat me down at 12 and explained that the family were going to have to make some massive sacrifices to pay for me to have, in his words, these opportunities. When I write sacrifice I mean sacrifice and we didn't go on holiday or have a car or even buy any "big" items for years because of this. I have three siblings and although one might think it would cause resentment it didn't. Everyone happily took this on the chin because, if I am honest, I was singled out as being different.

This manifested itself in other ways, no just money, for example the front room was cleared when I was revising and no one was allowed to disturb me which if you have a big family in a small council house is quite a big deal.

The other part my Dad explained to me was that if/when I took these opportunities I wasn't to forget my "roots" and that my duty, he didn't use that exact word but it was implied, would be to help the other members of the family who were making these sacrifices.

Over the years we've done just that. I've paid for holidays, cars, school trips and just about anything that I thought my siblings needed.

That hasn't caused any issues with my wife or my "London family", as we've been able to afford these, but we're reaching a bit of an impasse.

One of my nephews is very bright and, if I am honest, reminds me a bit of myself as a kid. He is stuck in a crappy school and I wonder if it might be my duty to pay for him to go private. The problem is that we'd need to pay for everything, as my sister couldn't contribute at all, and so I'm looking at a minimum of £20k per year once I factor in trips and all the other palaver.

That means probably £200k over the next ten years if I assume university as well.

Can I afford that? Yes. But because it's a long term commitment it needs proper planning and that has knock on effects for our general financial family planning.

My wife, who comes from a more SW England background, is aghast I would even consider it. She can't understand why I'd spend that sort of money on my nephew and is making some very strong noises about who on her side we'll spend £200k on to balance it out and so on. However I can't stop myself thinking about the commitments and sacrifices made thirty years ago.

I'd welcome some input but only productive please.

Thank you

[Mrs Contractor Mum]

Well I think you are amazing for seriously considering it. I can totally understand your wife's concerns but if you are earning it and can genuinely afford it and it's something you really know your nephew would gain from and appreciate then why not.

Taking a step back though, how about you first look at offering your nephew the opportunity for earning a scholarship himself? So if he is genuinely above average/ bright/ gifted give him the tools to apply for a scholarship such as additional tutoring, application help etc first before making the financial commitment.
You will still probably need to financially support but if he can get a scholarship then the burden on you (and your immediate family) won't be so great.

[Vhopeful]

I think it an admirablething to do. If my husband wanted to do these i would just want guarantees that it didn't impact our childrens future. Also what happens if god forbid you lost your job??
I would recommend sit down with your wife and explain again why its important to you.

[Cityhubby]

Hi
Thank you for the replies so quickly.

I think the bottom line is, and the cause of the resentment, is that I can't guarantee that it won't have an impact. If I made that commitment I'd be treating the importance of those fees as the same as my own children. It's almost as she views it as a cuckoo in our nest.

I'm not sure I can make the commitment to the child knowing he'd be dropped if we had a bad bonus.

[Beketaten]

I think what you're proposing is far more valuable long-term to your family than cars, holidays etc and you are a brilliant uncle, and a credit to your father all those years ago.

Perhaps rather than putting him through private school you could look at evening tutors for your nephew, opportunities to travel, study and work abroad and maybe a trust fund for him to put towards uni fees, if he decides to go, rather than paying for school now. You don't mention how old he is at the moment.

I personally think that private schooling is not an automatic route into a top university, or job, certainly less so than it was 30 years ago. My father got a scholarship to Alleyn's in the 1940s and it changed the whole course of his life, he was the first in his family to go to university, his parents were a cobbler and a laundress and he ended up a company director. But it's not as clearcut as that anymore. And perhaps your nephew won't necessarily want an academic or City career but would be happier in other fields?

[Writerlady]

I think it's a wonderful, kind and thoughtful thing to do and i would be totally behind my husband if he wanted to do this. It's so nice to recognise what your sibling/s did for you and grasp an opportunity to help your brother's family in this way. You earn, let's face it, a LOT of money. There are so many 'me me me' people around these days. It's amazing to read of your plans, and your reasons. It brings tears to my eyes. I think it is absolutely the right thing to do.

I do think Mrs Contractor Mum's and Beketaten's suggestions are also excellent though too. Sort of a middle ground, and Beketaten makes very valid points.

From reading your post, you feel very strongly about this. Also reading about what your father said to you. You feel a responsibility. A couple of generations ago the wealthier/luckier members of a family would always help out the less fortunate because they are just that . . . Family. It seems to be every man for himself these days. Your wife wants to 'balance things out' by asking who on her side you will give handouts to. It's not about that.

Absolutely right you should treat your nephew's fees in the same way as you treat your own children's. And yes, that could impact on your own children in some way. That's a risk you take. They'll survive.

If i was your wife i'd love you even more for even thinking of doing something like this, rather than wanting to blow it on a couple of sports cars or another handful of ski-ing holidays.

[Mrs Contractor Mum]

I think if you can't guarantee you can afford it all the way through then your best bet is to support with tutoring for exams and applications for scholarships but set realistic expectations.

The other option as I can see is if you can assist your sister if she is willing to move to be in a non crappy school vicinity which will not only benefit your nephew but any other children your sister has.

I think it's great you want to support your nephew and I wish you all the luck with it.

[Goldhawk]

What about the other nephews/nieces?

Whilst you don't think it caused resentment with your siblings perhaps it did

You clearly felt guilty enough about it to pay out for lots of stuff for your family

[Cityhubby]

Goldhawk
It's an excellent point.

I am aware that I am "selecting" a child for special treatment and then I worry do I need to have the same conversation with him as my Dad had with me?

Am I setting a precedent where the brightest will be bought/brought down to London leaving the others behind.

Not easy...

[Vhopeful]

Perhaps you could help them move house to the best state school in the area so that any other siblings would also benefit....

[nuttymummy]

You sound like an awesome brother/uncle!
We have also found ourselves in a situation of having to help out my husband's siblings/their children in various situations, though sadly not for such good reasons as you are helping yours out (other than 'they're family - it's what you do'). What changed the ball game for me however was having children of our own (sadly we are prob not same financial 'league' as you but it's all relative!)....to cover all bases my criteria to my husband on this would be 1. Have we paid off our mortgage & if so are we happy to not trade up in value at any point (perfectly possible if you plan to leave Central London & move to an area less 'expensive') 2. If educating privately do we have the funds for our own children's full school fees in the bank? 3. If providing this opportunity it has to be followed through to the end (for the sake of the child in question - it is not fair to offer this & then say 'oops, I lost my job...') so it should be funded up front...actually most schools offer a major discount for paying say 5 years fees in advance so should you go ahead do look into it!
I think other posters suggestions re looking into tutoring, better alternative local schools, grammar schools?!, independent day schools which don't cost the earth, finding out re scholarship options are your best place to start.
I also think Goldhawk's point is excellent - you have managed to avoid ill feeling from your siblings thus far but if you single out one of their children this could change the scenario irrevocably....
Good luck and I really hope you find some common ground!!

[ZannaW]

Clearly this is a very generous opportunity to even consider offering your nephew and initially I thought it was sad that your wife did not share this generousity and was concerned that it was possibly not fair on your own children and on her side of the family.

However, her response reflects the different feelings of people in general and the outcome of this could end up not being entirely positive. If it was me, and it is not as I am not in this position, I think I would try to use my good fortune in a less specific way less centred on one child as it was on you so that singling out becomes a burden on him a second time around. Others have suggested tutoring, support moving house or help applying to scholarships. These are all excellent ideas. You will also be in a position to help your nephew later down the line with mentoring, internships etc.

You could also think about starting a scholarship fund amongst your peers or other alumni for which your nephew and other less fortunate children could apply. When I was younger, my Dad was a trustee for an established fund that had several different philanthropic interests. One was to give scholarships to students from developing countries to come and study at Oxford. When I was 16 I went to a drinks reception with my parents to meet the students. I didn't fully understand at the time but one of the students openly explained to me what his life would have been like without the scholarship.

I am not saying that he wouldn't appreciate it, but your focused attention on your nephew could be a poisoned chailice for him should he not react as well as you to the limelight. How would you feel at the end of it if he wanted to go to art college and spend his life working in cafés to keep himself afloat as an artist paying rent on a studio? I know a few public school alumni in this position.

I wish you the very best in making this decision and I hope something great comes from it.

[cynic]

City hubby, writing as a man with similar escaping his background issues I would offer a few thoughts:
Overall I think you may benefit from going to have a chat about all this with someone as there's likely a lot of issues for you. You may not be the kind of person who does therapy, but there are some very sensible helpful ones out there.

Please forgive me if I outline some questions about all this, in no way meant to intrude or offend in any way.
Was it appropriate for you, as just a child, to be offered this very adult 'contract' of you get 'opportunity' now but you will financially support the family later? That's quite a responsibility for a child. How did you feel about that?
Did you ask for your special treatment? I imagine you may say that you just turned out to be lot brighter than your siblings, or perhaps that you were 'lucky' but I imagine along the way you also worked pretty hard with this natural talent? Do you feel this is acknowledged?
Also you say you 'now do pretty well', it would perhaps be too simple to suggest you feel a bit 'guilty' about that at times, but perhaps actually you don't feel guilty at all? Perhaps others even unintentionally would like you to feel this.
We owe our parents a great debt, you are in a position where you can make big and real contributions to them or by proxy to them, to your siblings, but is this a way of paying that debt?
This new suggestion of paying for the education of one nephew does that mean all your other generous contributions will have to stop? So actually is this new suggestion a way to consolidate/simplify things?
Perhaps maybe would like these contributions to stop, but only by making this new huge financial undertaking, do you feel you can do/say that?

If the word debt feels appropriate, at what stage might you consider this debt paid?

If any of these thoughts chime in any way, I would really recommend you speak with someone, you may find it very rewarding.

[windowboxes]

Good morning,

First, what a lovely gesture and fortunate position you are in to offer an additional family member.
I can relate in term of helping out additional family member with cars, home loans, and holidays, and they were all appreciated my help.
I would like to highlight there has never been a scenario, he got more then she did, and I think if your family are incline to react this way you wouldn't be offering such an opportunity.

2, is the school the right fit for your nephew? Academically? Culture? Value? Personality? They should all be considered.

3, how does your sister/brother feel about this?

4, if you decide to go ahead if only for 3-5 years, your nephew will benefit from the experience, and exposure. However I would suggest a chat similar to your fathers. Certain grades need to be maintained, responsibility taken, without him feeling too much pressure.

5, your wife clearly has reservations, (I do hope they are not selfish reasons i.e. missing a skiing holiday, or cruise trip) these must be heard.
If you have a solution and answers to her worries I see no reason why you cannot offer your nephew a life changing opportunity.

You hear family members stating they would do anything for each other; this is how you and your wife can help, what a humble feeling this must be

[Scientist]

My tuppence worth - with apologies if someone else has made the same points already:

Why not consider preparing him for a good grammar school, if there is one within striking distance ? Some of the smart money says that the best state education is now a clever choice for children, who are more likely to be well favoured when it comes to university and possibly even jobs.

I am the product of a very expensive education as are my siblings. As a family, we have probably ended up with more social advantage than anything else and if that is what you seek, it is still available in the upper echelons of the independent sector. But if you look at the outstanding education offered by many grammar schools, it is as good as independent (don't be fooled, cheap independent education is like cheap Champagne - a waste of money). I took my children out of the independent sector and they are at a very good state school.

You could perhaps look at some private tutoring etc as an initial outlay.