School holidays - divorced parents - advice? Post Reply

[doingmybest]

Hello

Would like some advice from other divorced parents...

I've been separated and now divorced for some years.

I wanted my kids to have a dad who they had a proper relationship with, and so they see him a lot (during the week, and every other weekend). More than other dads I know. And we are both very flexible if arrangements / days etc need to change.

He's got more money than me (!) so they have flasher holidays, but generally things are much better between us all than I see elsewhere, and we're flexible, and the kids move between us, and I don't see that they are damaged, and I'm really proud of that. Though I miss them a lot when they are not with me, and often think I didn't have kids to have them half (or a bit less) of the time. But that's life, I suppose, when you separate.

We've always had a 2 week holiday rule, meaning we wouldn't take the kids away for more than 2 weeks. At my request.

During those long 2 weeks without my kids in the summer holidays, my bones hurt, I miss them so much, and I have plans to do this and that, but just wallow, and worry, and miss them, but they have a great time, and they have a great relationship with their dad (and me).

Now, he wants to take them for 3 weeks. He thinks they are 'old enough' and it's good for them to be out of London away (and knows I can't afford to take them away for a long time).

I said 2 weeks was bad enough. 3 weeks I just said 'that's too long'.

It's for me it's too long for. I'm quite sure they'd have a blast.

I said I was worried this would set a precedent. He said 'yes', you can have them for 3 weeks too, they're old enough now, we can do this every year. It's better that they are out of London. And that I was putting my needs before theirs. That it was normal, that this is the norm for all divorced parents. That I'm being selfish.

I'm wondering if it is. If it's ok for me to say 3 weeks is too long for me. Even if they'd have a great time. Or is it normal? And I'm being a stick in the mud, and is their lovely long holiday (every year) more important than me sinking and feeling horrid?

(I'm a longstanding nappyvalley user and I've re-registered for obvious reasons).

Any experience from other people welcome. I am not at all interested in ex-bashing. I just wonder if anyone else has experience of this, and how they navigate through it.

Thank you.

[rissy]

Hi there,

I can only imagine your pain as i dont have my own children.
I also feel though that 3 weeks is too long of a time, and that you are probably feeling like this will start 'daddy being the favourite' if he can take them away for such long holidays. The most important for them though is that the children have a happy and healthy relationship with their father and equally with you. If you cant afford to take them away then plan fun activities around home and in the area. Its not holidays that children are specifically going to remember, its the time and memories made with you

How old are your children? Are they at the age where they are able to make the decision themselves? I remember when i was about 9 I got to choose to have christmas at home or at my grandparents without my parents and i choose my grandparents. My mum hated it and she was really upset although didnt show it all, i only found out 10 years later! Regardless, i had a great time and loved it. I also felt very grown up being able to make a decision like that, when normally i would have never had a choice. (i was always 'shipped off' to both sets of grandparents for holidays but i never got to choose dates ect)
Anyway, if you decide to let them go away for that long of a time, i would just ensure that you get to skype/call them often. Book yourself for some nice things to treat yourself like getting your hair done, getting a massage, or even going on a weekend away just you!

[EM&M]

Hi there! I'm also amicably separated and I agree with you that 3 weeks is too long. If it were a one off for a special occasion (a family wedding or something). I think I missed how old the kids are but unless they are close to school leaving age I would def stand your ground. Maybe negotiate 2 weeks with a week back & then another week out.

Good luck!

[marysmungo]

I am divorced and have 3 children. Bringing children up divorced or not is I am finding a selfless task. It is there happiness and well being that is of ultimate importance, not mine. As you have said it is you that will miss them but they will be having a great time and your ex is offering you three weeks with them (and he is their dad so no reason that he would miss them in this time less than you miss them when they are with you)

Where you take them on holidays doesn't matter to the children - my ex always takes them abroad and at half term to centre parks - when they afe with me we stay in the uk and at half term hang out in London. Children love unconditionally not because of where they went on holiday

It sounds like you don't work and you sit around bored because the children arnt there to need you, or maybe you're insecure that you think at the end of 3 weeks the children will love you less and your ex more?

So, plan those 3 weeks and fill them so that you are busy and enjoying yourself

You are their mum of course they won't love you any less and the minute they are back in the door it will be like they never left and then you get to spend 3 weeks with them