Husband's help with newborn Post Reply

[mumandmore]

I would like to canvas opinion regarding how much is reasonable to expect fathers once they return to work from paternity leave. With my first I asked him to do the 11pm feed and occasional 3am when I was totally exhausted. This time I think I have over promised and said I would do all feeds (which is usually 11, 2:30, 5:30am...) because I felt guilty that we have a nanny and I should be able to recuperate during the day. However our nanny has been focussing on our 3 year old given its summer hols and I am finding it difficult to hand a two week old over to her for a nap and my newborn is such a noisy sleeper I cannot sleep when she does. My question is if it reasonable to ask my husband to do the 11pm feed? He doesn't have an incredibly stressful job or commute although I appreciate it's not easy whatever job you do. Would be grateful for others opinions and experiences.

[AbbevilleMummy]

To be honest, if you have a nanny to help with your 3 year old then I think its fair that you do all the feeds, sorry.

I had an au pair when I had my second and therefore didn't expect my husband to do any night time feeding as I could rest during the day when my baby slept. Not perfect and was pretty knackering but that's par for the course when you have a newborn.

From your husband's perspective, not getting any sleep and then having to concentrate and function in a professional environment would be very tough given that you have a nanny.....

[Lukesmummy]

I am reading the replies with interest!

My view is perhaps more basic - you have a newborn 2 week old baby and an active toddler. Although you have the help of a Nanny, if you are feeling exhausted I don't see why you can't ask your husband to take on a feed (or two) when you need him to. In fact, it would make me feel sad if he hadn't proactively offered his help. They are his cherished children too I assume?

Having a newborn baby is tough and tiring no matter how many pairs of hands you have, so I would encourage you to ask your husband for help when you feel you need it. My, perhaps soppy to some, view is that this is what being a family is all about i.e. taking care of each other and sharing the harder times as a team. They won't last forever, and if it feels like they are you will need to support each other even more-so.

Wishing you all the best and congratulations on your new arrival.

[Battersea Mummy]

Sorry but have to say I agree with the others. I did all baby feeding as was breastfeeding and had no nanny, although my eldest did up his hours at nursery for a couple of months before he started preschool. As for sleeps during the day that never happened either, and my second generally liked to spend the first few weeks of her life cluster feeding from 10pm until 3am every night, and had reflux so was crying most of the time during the day for the first six weeks of her life when she wasn't feeding or sleeping. (Forgotten how full on last summer was!)

What was agreed though was that if our eldest woke during the night my husband dealt with him (realistically I couldn't if was feeding or about to be summoned), and he often ended up sleeping on our son's floor for an hour or two during the night.

Would definitely say that if yours is just feeding three times during the night, and the 11pm isn't really during the night, you're very lucky.

The newborn period will soon pass and it's amazing how quickly your body adapts to just three hours sleep a night!

[Mrs Contractor Mum]

In agreement with Luke'smummy completely. I'm sure your husband would love to support you with the 11pm feed and its part of the father-child bonding process which is very precious to establish as early on as possible.

[pie81]

I think it depends partly on how much of a big deal it would be for your husband to do the 11pm feed. My husband is almost never in bed before 11 anyway, so it's not that huge a burden for him to do an 11pm feed. However if your husband has to be up at 5 and would usually go to bed at 9.45 then it's a bit more of an ask.

It also depends on how hard work your newborn is during the day. If you had
a baby who would only sleep in your arms or in a moving pram (like mine!) I would say your husband should be doing more as you can't really rest in the day. However if she does sleep and the only reason you can't sleep when she is sleeping because she's too noisy, I'm slightly inclined to think you can't be that tired (I know you'll hate me for saying that! but really after a few months of my daughter I was so tired I could sleep anywhere!)

And you have a nanny too... I can understand she's been focusing on the 3 year old but if I was your husband I think I'd be expecting you to ask the nanny to change things round a bit, so that you can nap, before asking me to do night feeds. Unless your husband agrees that the nanny should focus on the 3 year old.

sorry not the answer you wanted! When does nursery start?

[lelboim]

Hi - a bit surprised of the "hardcore" responses to your question. Your baby is two weeks old and without knowing anything about your labour and recovery post- partum (so far) I assume you're exhausted to the bone. You haven't had the chance to recharge yet. It takes about 6-8 weeks in my opinion. I have three kids of my own (the youngest is two months old) and is blessed with a husband who thinks it's a given that he should step up and help out a little bit extra in the early days. I also have a nanny who is focusing on my older children. If you're like me and don't have the support of family close by then all you have is your partner to rely on. The nanny can't do too much with a newborn at this stage and you might not be ready to let her either. We're all different and we all have different ways of dealing with motherhood, lack of sleep, hormonal changes etc. I can honestly say that I've had different experiences after the birth of all my children and I think that asking for help is a must or else you can easily spiral into feeling terrible, depressed and sad. My husband sleeps in the guest room at the moment to get some sleep but I have him doing the 10.30-11pm feed 1-2 per week and call for him in the middle of the night if I've had a particular tough time settling baby back to sleep. He also takes care of the two older children during the night if they would wake up. Luckily it doesn't happen that often anymore. With our first child we arranged for a night nanny once a week which was heaven. Maybe that can be an option for you to take into consideration? Someone said that after a while the sleep deprivation gets easier to handle and you adjust- I totally agree with this but only after my body has managed to recover from the birth which can take a long time. All in all I recommend you to talk to your husband. He might be more than willing to help out. Things will get easier very soon so don't worry but let yourself heal and get some rest too in the meantime. The nanny can help out more when baby is a bit older. Good luck! There are many of us out there who go through exactly what you do. xx

[2009Kat]

Well said elboim. I think "reasonable" is entirely subjective and depends on how you are feeling and your personal circumstances. Talk to your husband. I am sure you can figure out a way together. The early days are hard no matter how much help you have!
For what it is worth my husband didn't really help me at night - I always just breastfed the babies!

[jg75]

Agreed, I would totally expect my husband to help with the 11 pm feed - it's not like you're asking him to get up in the middle of the night. And he will probably want that cuddle - I almost run home to ensure I get cuddles with my little ones before they go to bed. You must be exhausted, don't be afraid to ask for help. x

[KatherineHepburn]

It's all about team work.
You both have a day job. You're with the kids. He's at the office. No one out ranks the other.
My OH and I always worked together in the early days, it's not a case of 'asking', you're both in this together and both of your mental and physical well being are equally important.
Whatever you both decide to do though, remember, this stage doesn't last forever. The school holidays only have a few more weeks to run and you will survive the baby days. Best of luck.

[Wandsworth1]

I agree it's all about teamwork.
Why don't you just speak to your husband and ask him what he is/isn't prepared to do for the next few weeks while you recover from the birth (and probably weeks of not sleeping whilst pregnant!) and get yourselves into a bit of a routine. I'm sure you can figure out a way to make it work......even if he takes on more of the night feeding Friday/Saturday nights when he doesn't have work the next day to give you a bit of a break?
And work with your nanny to make it work better for you Perhaps she could stay in the house with both children so that she can keep an eye on your noisy sleeping baby while you nap? Get her to do other jobs as well to alleviate the workload such as batch cooking for the freezer (toddlers love helping with cooking!) etc etc.
Good luck - I promise it gets easier!

[mumandmore]

Thank you for all the responses. In fact the night after I posted this my husband offered to do the 11pm now and again so I think he sensed my exhaustion. I know I should work better with our nanny regarding her taking on both for a few hours - I am not the forceful type and just want harmony so have been hesitant to ask (silly I know!).

[Ferrywind]

Wow- am also surprised by some of these responses, and making sure my husband doesn't read them as he did the night feed for nearly 6 months!
I went back to work part time after a year and can honestly say sitting at a desk most of the day was much less physically tiring then caring for a baby. Obviously I don't know details of your husband's job but agree that it doesn't need to be looked at as a negative- feeding time alone with the baby really important for bonding and 11pm not that late anyway.
My opinion- certainly not unreasonable to ask. Hope goes well x

[2boysmum]

I have to say, I agree with the team work thing and don't think there is a blanket rule you an apply to this. There is just no logic in " you should do it all as you have a nanny all day and he has to work" because whether you have a nanny or not, your personal exhaustion levels and mental health are things that just can't be quantified by comparing work loads. They are very different. I'm sure your husband has a team at work he can draw on, and I'm sure feeling you have to do it all alone can contribute to making you feel worse. Sometimes you just need a bit of help to get you through when you're struggling. Equally if he's under the gun at work for a week or two, that might be the time he needs you to do a few more. Having a new born is no time for martyrdom. Happy mummy, happy babies...

[victoriab]

You need to discuss the fact that you are struggling. It all depends on circumstances. For me, 11pm is the middle of the night as we go to bed by 9 as we had 2 terrible sleepers (3hrs broken sleep max a night for 18mths!) my husband is lucky he didn't loose his job. He always wanted to help and he did most of the time but at a massive cost to his work.
If your husband isn't too exhausted then I'm sure he would happily help from time to time and also help you on non work nights but remember that performance at work pays for your house / nanny etx and if yôu loose that then tiredness will be the least of your problems!
I do understand though and I am sure your husband does too. Just put yourself in each other's shoes and look after each other. It's so important when you're tired. It shouldn't be about one having more or less sleep but caring for each other and recognising what you can each cope with day to day and that requires honesty both ways!!
Good luck