Mother-in-law not well, should I allow my son to visit? Post Reply

[Notsuremummy]

My MIL is not very well, as in probably going into a hospice not very well.

She's always been close to my son (7) and I feel very strongly that for both their sakes they need to have as much as access to each other as they need/want.

However it's obviously going to raise some issues I need to address in terms of questions etc

Has anyone been in this situation before?

How did you deal with it?

Any tips?

thanks NVN'ers

[topmama]

I have not been in this situation but since you have not had any responses

I think all the research about death/dying says that adult should be open and honest with children and give truthful information at the appropriate level for the child's age.

My father died when my son was too young to remember him but in our household we try to be open and honest about life and death, so from a young age i have always told my children 'everything dies, plants, animals even us'. We are not religious so do it talk about anything beyond that so I think my children (4 and 5 years) are starting to have an understanding of the finality of death. They say that death and taxes are the only certainties in life so i want my children to be prepared for at least one of those!

You must do what feels right for you, but generally children know what is going on and maybe if you speak to him about your mother-in-law he may know more that you think.

Good luck

[mrs_t]

I'm so sorry.
I have not had personal experience but I work in a hospital and have seen this sort of thing when it involves children.

I think that it depends upon a number of factors but crucially how emotionally mature your son is. Also your MIL's life-expectancy and condition. She may even have conversations with him about this subject depending upon her condition. Have you talked to her about this?
However, even though these difficult but essential questions will come up a) I don't think that your son or you will regret that he managed to spend time with her now and b) they had to come up at some time and I imagine that it was going to happen sooner rather than later now that he is 7.
I know that there are books on this subject specifically for kids (might not be the right medium) and a wealth of other 'educational' material to help the process.
I hope that it goes okay for you all.

[Mint Slice]

Hi,
I'm really sorry that you are all having to go through this.
Just wanted to let you know I have sent you a PM with some information.
All the best.

[mamabel]

speak to the hospice - they usually have lots of support for families and children etc
they maybe able to offer you some child psychology support...
(and support for you and your husband too if needed)

[jasbro]

My grandmother died of cancer - it must have been when I was 4. My earliest memory is of being with her in a room overlooking a beautiful outdoor scene (presumably this was a hospice) and her being sick through her nose into a kidney shaped bowl. I remember asking about how someone could be sick through their nose but I don't remember being upset or troubled by this or her subsequent death even though I was a very sensitive and squeamish child.
I know a seven year old has a much greater understanding of the world, but I do think that seeing a grandparent in this condition will actually help your son understand old age and death and allow him to start preparing for bereavement.

[catty29a]

We recently lost my daughter's godmother and one of my closest friends to motor neurone disease. My friend was very ill for about 18 months(paralysed and on a breathing machine) so looked, I guess, quite frightening. But my daughter (who was 5/6 at the time) asked several times to see Sarah because she'd been having nightmares about her. We started taking my daughter to see Sarah and whilst she was a bit shy and quiet at first, within about 5 minutes she was chatting away, apparently having forgotten all about the scary machinery. The nightmares stopped and now that Sarah has gone, our daughter has some lovely memories of visiting her, having their 'chats' which has help with the grieving process. A few things really struck me - my daughter, having overheard my husband and I talking about Sarah and having seen me upset when I returned from seeing her, had got very worked up and worried because she didn't have the whole story and so filled in the gaps with her own imagination, which inevitably were much more frightening for her than the reality of the situation; once she saw Sarah and could interact with her and see that she was still the same person, even though she was very ill, my daughter felt reassured; kids are so accepting and resilient. But this is just my personal experience - I would say go with your own instincts and if you would like to PM me then please do.

[dudette]

You might want to start the conversation going by reading Gangsta Granny by David Walliams with your son. It's about a boy's relationship with his Grandmother and during the story the Grandmother finds out she's terminally ill and later dies. It's not exactly realistic (they try to steal the Crown Jewels and meet the Queen), but it's quite funny and the death of the granny isn't handled morbidly. I read it with my 7 year old son and he wasn't at all upset by it. You could use it as a starting point for the discussion if you're not sure how to approach it.