staying married for the kids? Post Reply

[confused_mummy]

Hello,

I post on here often - but am using a different name today.

I've been married for a number of years and have two beautiful young children. My husband and I both work hard, with no family nearby to help and have spent the last few years of our lives permanently shattered.

During this time our relationship has worsened considerably - and we reached the stage some months ago when my husband basically stopped liking me. He hasn't physically touched me in well over six months, is generally mean in things he says and thoroughly lazy / selfish leaving me to deal with all household / financial / childcare arrangements. I've become very resentful -for example, I haven't had a lie in for two years and try to ensure he has a chance to sleep in as I try to make his life easier but the more I give, the more he takes and I just feel empty. I guess we have just grown apart and want different things - although I have no idea what he actually wants from life. I have offered to move out of London, to give up work to look after our family (although I'm the higher earner and so we'd probably lose our home), to get a less demanding job, for him to give up work but he won't have any conversations with me - and I feel so lonely and end up talking to my friends about my day to day probs (not my marriage) and so I feel like I'll lose them too as they must feel that I am a boring chatterbox - I really can't remember the last time I smiled and am begining to feel like an outsider in our conversations with nothing fun or exciting to contribute and so I'm choosing to see them less although that means I am feeling even more isolated.

I have lost all my confidence, am struggling to hold down my job as I am so miserable and exhausted and my head tells me that our marriage is over and I need to get out. I've broached the subject of us taking a break and he tells me that I am mad, couldn't cope without him, that he'd have me commited to a mental home etc. I don't think he means these things and is saying them for dramatic effect - but means he doesn't take anything I say seriously and just thinks we can carry on this way for the sake of the children.

The thing is, when he spends time with the children - he is a fantastic Dad. He is patient with them, plays with them and they totally adore him. He really is a great Dad - and it reminds me of how he was, once, with me. It annoys me he won't help "care" for them in terms of cooking, washing, activities etc, but when he is with them, they clearly adore him and him them.

I just don't know what to do. To split up means effectively taking my children's Dad away from them, plus their home, their friends if we move etc. Selfishly, I'd also lose my lovely home and may well have to leave my job as I couldn't face my children spending longer in childcare.....and have no idea how I would manage with two children, no family around, a demanding job, not enough cash. But I just don't know how long I can cope with feeling like this - being told constantly how terrible I am, rubbish mother, rubbish wife, rubbish daughter and just so lonely. I'm worried if it goes on much longer that my confidence will be so destroyed that I'll never leave.

But at the same time, I just can't do this to my children. I wonder if maybe I just accept my marriage is over and look to find fulfilment elsewhere (social activities, sport, my career etc) and somehow we try to co-exist at home. So I just accept that we don't talk, I get on and do everything (but without looking for his approval - so he can't put me down) and we "divide" up time with the children - at least that way I'll have accepted my marriage is over and he can't keep hurting me and controlling me anymore.

Sorry for the rambling message. I just don't know what to do. Outwardly I look to have it all, but inside I'm destroyed and so miserable and just can't carry on like this any longer. Any advice appreciated - particularly from anyone else who has managed to "co-exist".

[gruffalo's dad]

First, my sympathies. My wife and I have two pre-school age young children and no family in the U.K. It can be tough going. Your circumstances seem similar. On the other hand, we are not stretched financially whereas it seems that you feel you are, and financial worries add to the stress. I guess my first thought is to say that you are not alone.

Some of what you say my wife could probably say about me. Certainly, she hardly ever gets a lie-in whereas I do, but because I work long hours and late nights she does get more hours sleep than me over the week. When it comes to splitting responsibilities my wife is a SAHM so a bit different from your situation.

You say that you are being told constantly how terrible you are "rubbish mother, rubbish wife, rubbish daughter". Is it your husband who is telling you this? I find it odd that he would be saying that you are a rubbish daughter. You say that your husband is generally mean in thing he says and I was a bit disturbed by what you said about him saying that he'd have you committed to a mental home. This could be anything from domestic abuse to general grumpiness on the part of your husband but it certainly seems worse than general grumpiness to me.

All of the reasons which you give for staying with your husband are sensible reasons and, I think, too often overlooked. However, I don't think such an arrangement will work out if you are just aiming to turn a bad relationship into a non-existent relationship. I think you should think about whether you and your husband can makes things work. You don't say in your post the reasons why your relationship has worsened - except the general pressure of life (and that your husband seems a not very nice person). It sounds like your husband doesn't want to lose you, but perhaps fears that he will and is reacting negatively to you (I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, just trying to see explanations). If there is any way that you can get some childcare and spend some time just the two of you for a day or two then I would strongly suggest that. It's very difficult to have enough time to deal with stuff meaningfully with two young children.

I'm sorry - what I've said probably isn't much use. You seem like a lovely person trying hard in a difficult situation. I really hope that one way or the other things work out for you.

[Christian Wife]

Dear confused _mummy,

It is very brave of you to express these experiences that you have been having in your marriage. It must be very painful to give and give and give both in the home and the workplace without rest, relief and comfort in your marriage from the one that is closet to you.

I just want to share with you Genesis Chapter 2 which describes the first marriage:

19Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.

20The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.

21So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.

22The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

23The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."

24For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh

25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

A marriage is a very important and precious thing. A husband and wife are the glory of God's creation and a very powerful unit on the earth. The Bible states that He who has found a wife has found a good thing and that man should not be alone. You and your husband are one in the eyes of God. So it is totally understandable how you feel when your husband rejects you. He cannot deny you because you are part of who he is now. The family God has put into the hands of you and your husband is a gift whether it is regarded as such or not by either of you.

Because your marriage and raising of your family glorifies what God has made, it can come under attack. Satan is the enemy of every man and woman on the earth and has sought to steal, kill and destroy all the good things that God had prepared for mankind. Whether acknowledged or not he will seek to wreck homes and destroy families, using husband and wife themselves if he can.

Without going far into the bible at this time, the collapse of unity in the marriage of Adam and Eve led to sin entering into the world and the defilement of man and woman and the whole creation. Sin means that people will act in rebellion to the righteousness of God and cannot help themselves but do the wrong thing no matter how 'together' or 'good' the appearances are. I am sure that in the marital home sin and its selfishness gets the better of both husband and wife as giving the circumstances you describe I am sure you husband knows he should be doing better.

What is the answer when you have to keep giving like you already are? Firstly knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who created you and has purposes for you life is essential. You were built to have a relationship with him but because of sin people hide from God. Sometimes (like I did) we try to fill the place that belongs to God with other things but in the end we always come up short. That's why God's only begotten Son Jesus Christ came to make himself a sacrifice that we would be brought back into a relationship with God - one that brings life and strength in abundance and renews us. He also gives us the tools and strength to fight back when Satan tries to attack our homes and marriages.

I am sure your husband loves you but perhaps he does not know who he is to God and who you are to him and strength (especially with the demands of a young family) to do well in caring for and protecting for you.

This is what the bible tells husbands to do in a part called Ephesians 6:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

If you do not know Jesus Christ as you Saviour I would encourage you to not dismiss these words but ask God to reveal himself in your life and deliver you from these marital problems. I would be glad to speak more on these matters and listen to all you are experiencing. PM me and I can share my contact details. I will pray for you and your family tonight.

God bless you with salvation in Jesus' name.

I am a Christian woman, a wife and mother of 2 - I do not live in Wandsworth. 4 years ago I became a Christian at the same time as my husband and left a career as a surgeon hanging as we sought to follow Him by His word. As a born and bred Londoner, well educated and professionally successful I thought I knew it all until I opened the Holy Bible and learned what God has done for me.

[SFMC]

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I didn't want to read and run but wanted to suggest perhaps you speak to a councillor / therapist as a starting point to enable you to sort through some of the issues... take it one step at a time.
Perhaps this will give you some mental relief. You mention you speak to your friends about your daily non marriage related issues and worry you will lose them too - I think a therapist might be someone you can speak to about daily life problems as well as your marriage - you can unpack these issues with them and gain some relief. And then you can refocus on other aspect of your friendships - simply having fun with them and trying to gain back positive aspects of your life and relationships.
Friends can be really helpful to a certain point but it sounds like you need more support than they can probably give.

Couples therapy might be in order but it sounds like your husband is nowhere near even discussing this so simply start with yourself and your needs.

Perhaps this is a first step towards gaining some clarity, and rebuilding your confidence.

Also could you hire a babysitter to come and take the kids out for the day? And you nap and just relax ? or a babysitter to come on a Saturday morning so you can get some rest? Don't underestimate the toll being exhausted has on your mental health. Sleep is important!

As a starting point you could see your GP and tell them you are having these issues and need to see a therapist and perhaps he or she can refer you to someone professional.

Take it one step at a time but think you need to start refocussing on yourself and your needs.

[SFMC]

ps. I wanted to add you are a role model to your children
staying in a situation for the sake of your children is potentially more destructive than getting out of the situation, by the fact that they are witnessing either directly or indirectly your relationship with your husband

you all deserve to be in a stable and loving situation as possible.

[Luilou]

It is very sad to read your post and posting on here and I agree with some of the points raised in the replies. Please seek some help, either via your Doctor or privately as being under emotional and mental stress on-going will eventually impact your health.

For completely different reasons, I can recommend a counsellor based near Wimbledon mainline station: http://pamcusters.co.uk/
Pam does either individual or couples counselling/therapy and is relatively flexible with appointments (they don't have to be fixed to the same time slot every week) and she does some evenings too.

It might seem daunting to take this route but I can truly vouch for independent counselling having the ability to lift the pressure on your friendships/relationships and you will have someone to support you. If you decide to go the counselling route and don't hit it off with the first counsellor you meet there are others out there, you just need to find the right fit. Good luck with whatever path you decide to take. Feel empowered to do something for yourself, wherever the path takes you hopefully it will result in a happier home life.

[C'est moi]

I just want to say how heart breaking it was to read your post. I absolutely do not believe that marriage is a sacred entity, and in certain circumstances it is absolutely the right thing to go your separate ways. Obviously as a stranger, I have no idea at all whether a divorce is the right thing for you and your family, and I very much doubt in your fragile state you know what path is best at the moment.
Counselling/ therapy for you sounds like a very good start to what will no doubt be a painful, but important process.
None of us really knows when we marry what the future will bring. Human beings are complicated and life is full of twists and turns. It sounds very possible that your marriage cannot be salvaged. The level of emotional abuse you describe is very worrying. Your children will not necessarily be better off with you remaining married, but I do believe all children deserve parents who are as happy and stable as possible. For what it's worth, I think you need to consider how effectively you be the mum you want to be, and the mum your kids want you to be in such appalling circumstances. It sounds trite, but you only have one life and you deserve better.

[curly]

I just want to give you a hug.

I really agree with a couple of the or posts about getting some counselling. I am a firm believer that everyone would benefit from counselling. Before you start making massive decisions that will affect the rest of your life you need to work out what are the most important issues and work those through.

I have had counselling and what it did for me was to let go of things/issues that I realise we're not important and talk and work through the issues and behaviours of yourself and those around you.

If nothing else it will help you manage the next few months emotionally and to find some strength.

My life would not be the one I have today without counselling.

Good luck, you will be fine and you deserve to find happiness, whether it is as a married woman or single woman.

X

[peppapig]

You are being very brave posting and writing about your situation.
I m sure (well i hope anyway) you felt a but clearer after putting your feelings in writing.
All the suggestions above are great ones. Try to consider them but if your husband is not willing to participate it is not going to work. It takes 2 people for a marriage to work.

I also believe that staying for the sake of children is bad. How i wished my parents would separate when i wasa teenager: the arguments, the meanness, the no smile on my mum's face, slways sadness in her eyes but worst the silences sometimes between them. Somehow they managed to rebuild from that so i m glad now they havent. But it left a lot of scars on us and on me especially as i am very anxious.

I posted before about me and my husband. I realised that i was actually the one who was too anxious and too unhappy (i m not saying you are i m just giving my experience) to help or be an asset in my marriage. So i worked on myself and i realised my husband went into survival mode hence the coldness and silences. He needed to be able to hold on to his job and focus.
Eventually i convinced him to go away for 2 nights and 3 days and i was gobsmacked when i realised that outside the day to day sh...t we still got on....

What i m trying to say is: it takes 2 people to save/work on amarriage, but you can only change yourself, and try to go away in a neutral place to talk things through.

My heart goes with you. I wish you luck for making tge right decision for yourself and your family.

Px

[simplyme]

I am not married nor in a relationship. I don't have children either. But what I can tell you is that staying together for the children is not always a good thing. My parents had a bad relationship and as a child I knew it. No matter how well you will think you hide it, they will pick up on it. Do you want to teach your children that this is how to behave in relationships? Or that the way your husband treats you is the way a man should treat his wife?

Splitting up is never easy but try and separate in your mind the relationship between you and him and the one between him and the kids. By ending the marriage you aren't stopping him being a dad. Very often dads have to step up to the plate more once they are separated as now they have to do the physical care of child raising and not just the playful/fun part

[Stellarosas]

It don't use an anonymous name so I won't write much.
Sadly my/our relationship fell appart and it was not about what I wanted but what I needed .....we split but my husband moved a ten minute walk away.
It had to get worse before it got better.....it hurt like hell and we both dealt with it in different ways.
Three years on and we are good friends and we still do a lot of family stuff together.
There are days when I think if only I had done that then....but ...such is life.
I have grown as a person and am more confident and more determined than I have ever been before, I am now self employed and that's makes me really happy. FYI we has less than Zero finance we did agree to help each other out while we struggled with this.
In some ways doing what you know is the right things is a new start...even though it goes against everything you feel and desire.
You will get there and you must move forward... You do not deserve to feel as you do.
Best of luck
I think you can Private message or email if you need to talk.
Cheers
Stella

[Not-so-happy_wife]

I feel I am in a very similar situation (and I was also planning to post anonymously to get some advice) but being a child of divorced parents I keep coping, although from time to time I really want to take the kids and run away.
Many of my friends also recommended me counselling but I am still not ready for it: 1- I don't know how to find the time for it 2- I have got a psychological barrier as to me going for counselling means confirming my marriage is unsuccessful (which I am scared of as I don't want to reproduce my parents's mistake).

I wish you good luck and hope you will find a way to be happier. As a very temporary measure I recommend you to listen to music more often. I find it gives some positive energy

[NYE31]

So sorry to hear that you are so unhappy, I would def get some counselling for yourself to help you decide & then how best to go forward.

If you can move towards some couple counselling, that might help if someone facilitated your conversation with your husband.

Sending you a virtual hug & I hope that you get some support.

x

[Stellarosas]

therapy can be very helpful.
We often bore our friends ( and they fall away ) with our problems and on some occasions we even hold back much of the truth...having someone to listen can help us to focus more on what is the intellect and what is the emotion!!
It helps to see the situation objectively.
It can also help to create a good scenario from a tough situation.
Couple Councelling doesn't guarantee results but it can make the separating a more enjoyable experience and you both come away know that you have done what you can ( rather than angry and self examining what ifs)

This situation is not easy ..... Getting some distance can help to give it clarity.
Still it's OK for me as I am at the other end of this process ( we separated) and it still hurts but on the whole my husband and I are close and it so easily could have gone the other way.

[barbie07]

Hi confused_mummy,
Very sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand your concerns about taking your children's dad away and that would be the last think you wanted to do. Why dont you try marriage counselling? If your husband decides he does not want to go then go and seek counselling for yourself to build your confidence and help you decide what to do as well as bringing your self esteem up. Dont allow your husband to bring you down with negative comments such as your a bad mum or a rubbish wife and in particular to the one where he says he would commit you to a mental hospital, he needs proof that you are having a mental breakdown and from your comments that is not the case, you are just a mother trying to juggle houselife, work life and childcare all at the same time which can be hard. I would suggest have a very serious conversation with your husband away from the children just in case it gets heated up and just lay the cards on the table and tell him how it is and if that doesnt work then thats when u mention marriage counselling. After that its up to him to make a decision and then if that doesnt work then is up to you to make that big decision of your life. One thing i can honestly say is that if there is no love or commitment to this marriage then is for all of your best interest to go seperate ways as it can be damaging for your children and yourself. If you continue with the marriage and go co-existed then things could get a lot worse.
I hope that this has been helpful and that you manage to get it sorted no matter which way you decide to go. Good luck and all the best