staying married for the kids? Post Reply

[Thecouplescoach]

Hi confused_mummy

I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing such an unhappy time in your relationship and maybe I can help?

I coach couples at all stages of relationships - from 'it's pretty good but how can we make it great' to 'it's awful, we barely speak'. Many of the above posts have recommended couples counselling and couples coaching works in a similar way but with some differences which can make it more appealing for couples.

Firstly we start with a blank sheet of paper of how you both actually want to be in the relationship. Your husband will also be unhappy at how it is currently, even if he doesn't openly acknowledge it to you / himself. So we take out the blame / criticism / defensiveness and start by designing what's important to both of you in the relationship and how you want it to feel between you. Getting agreement (and the coach will help with this) on this is an important first step.

The coaching will also include some educational elements around toxic ways of communicating and the impact they have on the relationship, how to build positivity, how to prevent arguments escalating, the roles in the relationship etc

Even if we were unable to restore your relationship to how it once was (and that can certainly be possible) we will seek to find a way for you all to live together that is more harmonious and better for all. Alternatively, as some of the previous posts have said, if the time has come for the relationship to end we will seek to find a way to make it as harmonious as possible.

I know it's hard to think about going for coaching / counselling and it can be very difficult to convince a partner too. Perhaps you can send him the link to my website (www.thecouplescoach.co.uk) and point out that he is not happy either and that you're sure this isn't how he imagined his marriage to be. You will know the right wording that he may respond to. I am also very happy to talk to either or both of you over the phone to discuss how it might work / any concerns. I also offer every couple a free sample session to understand better what might be involved and to see if I'm the right coach for you both.

Contrary to popular belief the sessions don't have to be 'heavy', 'difficult' and there are often many light-hearted moments too as you remember why you got together and what you do still like / love about one another.

I would also strongly agree that if your partner is not willing to try some form of couples therapy / coaching then I would encourage you to seek individual help from either a counsellor or coach (I am also an individual coach and have coached people individually both to improve their marriages and to divorce where that was the right way to go). Your current situation is going to erode your confidence and happiness, without help, and you deserve much better than that.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you well.

Sue x

[elna]

Hi. I am so sorry to hear your pain. I was in a very similar situation myself and found a fantastic therapist called Gill Sanders. We are so much happier and I have real hope for our future now. I would really recommend seeing her. I just made an appointment and saw her on my own first rather than talk my husband into going. Good luck - act now before its too late - so many people go through the same having young children is incredibly stressful even though they are wonderful.

[surij]

Howdy confused mummy,
I was really sad to read your post. I was really suffering emotionally and mentally when I moved to London. Having a supportive husband is so vital when kids are involved in the relationship. My child is the life and soul of my family. Not only are we her rock and role model, we also set boundaries for their future. As parents our happiness impacts our children's happiness. So in my view, you have to do something for the sake of your children.

Before seeking therapy, if you so wish, although I sorted what was bothering me by talking to my friends. And that helped me a lot. I don't understand when people say talk to a therapist. They are not going to make the problem go away!!! Your true friends should aim to remind you of who you are - what makes you laugh, cry, smile, what frightens you etc etc and that should act as a prompt to dig deep within to realise what's gone wrong. I found out why I wasn't feeling right and then took steps to bring me back on track.


Your life shouldn't solely be centered around your husband and children. There is more to life than them. Not to sound selfish, but by you doing everything, what role foes your husband play in your life? What part does he play in your marriage? Have you changed? Perhaps your demanding more from than you did previously? Perhaps your husband is going through some issues himself?

What is very clear is that neither of you are happy in the marriage. Can you, do you want to end the marriage or work it out? What you can't do is expect your husband to change. The only thing you have in your control is yourself. Only you can make the change in your life The clarity you desire or need can only come from you. This is your life and you should try and be as happy as you can. Take care and God bless.

[surij]

Howdy confused mummy,
I was really sad to read your post. I was really suffering emotionally and mentally when I moved to London. Having a supportive husband is so vital when kids are involved in the relationship. My child is the life and soul of my family. Not only are we her rock and role model, we also set boundaries for their future. As parents our happiness impacts our children's happiness. So in my view, you have to do something for the sake of your children.

Before seeking therapy, if you so wish, although I sorted what was bothering me by talking to my friends. And that helped me a lot. I don't understand when people say talk to a therapist. They are not going to make the problem go away!!! Your true friends should aim to remind you of who you are - what makes you laugh, cry, smile, what frightens you etc etc and that should act as a prompt to dig deep within to realise what's gone wrong. I found out why I wasn't feeling right and then took steps to bring me back on track.


Your life shouldn't solely be centered around your husband and children. There is more to life than them. Not to sound selfish, but by you doing everything, what role foes your husband play in your life? What part does he play in your marriage? Have you changed? Perhaps your demanding more from than you did previously? Perhaps your husband is going through some issues himself?

What is very clear is that neither of you are happy in the marriage. Can you, do you want to end the marriage or work it out? What you can't do is expect your husband to change. The only thing you have in your control is yourself. Only you can make the change in your life The clarity you desire or need can only come from you. This is your life and you should try and be as happy as you can. Take care and God bless.

[surij]

Howdy confused mummy,
I was really sad to read your post. I was really suffering emotionally and mentally when I moved to London. Having a supportive husband is so vital when kids are involved in the relationship. My child is the life and soul of my family. Not only are we her rock and role model, we also set boundaries for their future. As parents our happiness impacts our children's happiness. So in my view, you have to do something for the sake of your children.

Before seeking therapy, if you so wish, although I sorted what was bothering me by talking to my friends. And that helped me a lot. I don't understand when people say talk to a therapist. They are not going to make the problem go away!!! Your true friends should aim to remind you of who you are - what makes you laugh, cry, smile, what frightens you etc etc and that should act as a prompt to dig deep within to realise what's gone wrong. I found out why I wasn't feeling right and then took steps to bring me back on track.


Your life shouldn't solely be centered around your husband and children. There is more to life than them. Not to sound selfish, but by you doing everything, what role foes your husband play in your life? What part does he play in your marriage? Have you changed? Perhaps your demanding more from than you did previously? Perhaps your husband is going through some issues himself?

What is very clear is that neither of you are happy in the marriage. Can you, do you want to end the marriage or work it out? What you can't do is expect your husband to change. The only thing you have in your control is yourself. Only you can make the change in your life The clarity you desire or need can only come from you. This is your life and you should try and be as happy as you can. Take care and God bless.

[soggs]

Hi Confused mummy

Your situation sounds heartbreaking, I really feel for you. I would agree with recommendations for counselling for yourself. Not to make your marriage work but to work out what you want to do. It takes two people to make a marriage work and if your husband is being emotionally abusive and refusing to talk then you can't make him change. I would also say do not go to couples counselling under any circumstances - no counsellor worth their salt would counsel a couple where one of them was abusive to the other (it's against their rules) and I'm afraid the things your husband has said to you are abusive.

I would also suggest getting advice from the wise women (and men) at Mumsnet (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships) where sadly many people have been in similar situations and will be able to give you the benefit of their experience.

There are worse things in the world for children than their parents divorcing. Oh, and a man is NOT a good father if he abuses his children's mother/his partner in front of his children.

Good luck.

[foodeditorjo]

There is nowhere lonelier than an unhappy marriage… I know, as I was unhappy for many years. Opting to leave is a big, brave decision but on balance I think it depends on how long you are prepared to go on being unhappy - or if you think the marriage is salvageable with counselling. I agree with other posters that it's destructive to stay in an unhappy marriage with a toxic atmosphere and no love between you. Children pick up on this and, while divorce is painful for them, I am not sure staying for the sake of the children is wise. Noble, yes, but in the end you will sacrifice your own happiness, perhaps for many years to come if your children are still young. I know that sounds selfish, but a happy mother is a good mother in my view. I went through the pain of separation and the negative judgement of some 'friends' who didn't take on board the fact that I had been unhappy for a long time. My children are teenagers and hated me for a while - I used to cry myself to sleep because I didn't see them (they live with their father in our family home - long story). Now, though, things are much much better and I am a million times happier, which I bring to the children too.

[confused_mummy]

Hi,

I wanted to thank you all for your replies and for all the PMs I have received. It is really sad to find out just how many of us there are in unhappy marriages - not sure which way to go.
Writing down the issues I've been facing and all your replies have made me wake up to the fact that this isn't normal and can't continue in this way.
Now I need to think about what to do next - but sort of therapy with or without my husband is probably it. I still really hope that my marriage is salvagable and certainly have not given up hope and intend to keep trying, but I guess I now know what I have probably known for quite a while that it can't continue like this forever - as it is impacting my ability to be a good mum and yes, I agree with you all, that I am sure my children are also being impacted.

Thanks again and to everyone else in unhappy marriages, I hope that you also manage to find the strength and clarity you need for a happy future. (Perhaps we should all have group therapy - seems we have a lot of similar tales.)

[Insightful therapist]

Hello ,your situation is familiar to me as one that I encounter in my consulting room on a regular basis.I am astonished as a man how many women speak to me about such dissatisfaction and loneliness in their married lives and how often this can morph into debilitating self doubt and a profound lack of confidence.i know of many women who have improved the quality of their relational/sexual lives hugely without necessarily breaking up the home or resigning themselves to feeling 'married alive'- as in buried alive-Speaking about it is a start,planning what to do follows on from this,which may involve couples work or other resuscitation techniques with male partners and the unblocking of communication channels as well as the exploration of other possibilities.It is so easy to get into bad habits and to bring out the worst in each other.Often we can't turn things round on our own,we need someone to help us who knows what they are doing and can identify what's going on between you,maybe even humorously and with sympathy. James Mann 07713168831

[Ndlonom]

I am going through a similar attack I'm marriage and wish I can get your contact, i have been so encouraged by your words of wisdom

[Mamaberry]

I am not sure where I am going with my marriage..my husband cheated on me years ago and I forgave him and carried on for the sake of our kids, I supported him through his studies, it was hard as I had to pay all bills by myself and he was making every excuse to not help out and now working well, financially contributing although overly controlling now with our combined finances, for some strange reason I see that the same behaviours he was doing on his cheating days are back, very obsessed with his phone always holding it to bath, toilet if you understand what i mean, very snappy with me, if I express myself sensibly with something I'm not happy about in our marriage he replies with long nasty messages portraying me as someone confused who doesn't appreciate that he works hard for the family, I work the same ours as him by the way in addition to house work which he doesn't do. All I have asked for is that can we have time together and the responses I got made me think I've probably overstayed my welcome in this marriage , my problem is that i dont think i have the patience i had years ago when i went through hell during his cheating days, but it breaks my heart when I look at my children and thinking of breaking what they see as a stable home..

[Normandie19]

Please do watch some work by Esther Perel. She's amazing. She has a couple of TED talks. She's a couples therapist, globally known these day - her words go well beyond what most of us understand to mean as "modern marriage". I found her work gave me a sense of peace in my marriage.

As she says, marriage doesn't really work. 50% end in divorce. Imagine, she says if you bought an Apple Iphone and it wouldn't work one times out of two. You'd want your money back wouldn't you?

So from the start, marriage is probably a flawed premise, set up to enable originally the passing of a man's property to his son and heir. Women only were able to pass property through inheritance since the 1882 Married Women's Property Act. We've only been in the game for just over 100 years if you see what I mean. Up until then marriage was an institution for the transfer of wealth to the man's future DNA (children). It was not a contract of love, it was more a contract of passing wealth.

Esther Perel doesn't really talk about this - but I think it's worth noting how perhaps as humans we aren't designed for long-term marriage in such a cookie-cutter way. It can certainly work long-term but when you consider how we prioritise romantic love to be our saviour in every situation almost, within life and the pressure we put on one person to give us everything, well it's almost doomed from the start. Esther talks a lot about this side of things much more and really get into the heart of things like what does monogamy mean anyway? The definition keeps changing. :D Used to be for life, now its within one relationship.

Although her talk is about long-term desire in relationships, she talks much more about what relationships really are. I hope you find it useful.

I can't post the link in here which is a shame. Please do look her up on Google. You won't regret it!

I would suggest couples coaching as therapy can be very hard going. My own personal take on it is that therapy rather looks backwards, whereas coaching talks more about what you want to become and helps you overcome obstacles to become the person you want to be.

[Champagnetennis]

Hi confused mummy

so sorry to hear what you are going through but I can totally relate, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a mum and with no support it is so much harder than people can even begin to imagine. I have 2 very young kids and we have no support at all nearby, the only break we get is nursery or the odd babysitter every few months and it is totally shattering. It sounds like you need a break. When was the last time you both spent any time together just the two of you, even just a coffee out together or a drink? I also think you should confide in close friend or relative as they might be able to help. I’d recommend this before you speak to a counsellor. It also would be worth going to the doctors as they can probably help make you feel a bit better as well, before you make any decisions you might regret. I would say it sounds like you could be suffering depression or burn out and need a lie in first off as you sound worn out. Xxx

[parentpractice]

Hi Confused Mummy

It's such a painful time for you working out if your relationship is worth fighting for and I think a good couples counsellor is definitely worth investing in. However even if you do come to a mutual decision that you are no longer partners in marriage, the thing I would urge you to think about is how you can be partners in parenthood and get committed to raising your children in a happy and health environment, albeit a different one . The impact of divorce on children does not have to devastating and although it is often distressing short term, studies show that it is not divorce per se that causes harm, but conflict. Children can manage the trauma of family splits if adults provide them with :

• love
  
• honesty
  
• care
  
• safety and
  
• structure 
  

By putting the kids in the centre and not the middle and by working on good communication with a couples therapist/counsellor, there can be a happier and healthier life for you all, if that's what you decide to do.

Full disclosure, as we colloborate  with Family Law in Partnership and offer a 3 session Parenting After Parting course that ensures children can thrive and not just survive in post divorce world.Do have a look here
 
http://info.theparentpractice.com/paren ... ourse-2020

Sending you strength and hope, to make the right decision for you and your children 
Elaine x