NOT SURE WHERE TO START... Post Reply

[Mamuchi]

Hi ladies,
I found out a week before Xmas that my husband has been having a affair with a work colleague.
Obviously I was devastated when I found out and told him to leave the flat. He stayed in a hotel for a few nights and then told me he couldnt keep staying in a hotel so was moving back to our flat and I could stay there or move to my parents. I packed mine and my 9 month son's things and moved to my parents temporarily.
I can't keep staying here due to lack of space and also I need to start rebuilding my life but dont know what I am entitled to or where to start so thought I could get some advice here if anyone has been through a similar experience or has any knowledge on the subject.

A bit of background on my situation:
I am currently on maternity leave and due to start work in March so currently not earning anything. In addition to that, we had just bought our first property in August and my ex has been paying all the mortgage (property is in both our names).
The plan was for me to go back to work part time and with my salary cover the nursery costs and have some spending money for me and with his salary he would cover the mortgage, bills, etc.
My whole world has been turned upside down, not only because my marriage has ended, but now I am so worried I wont be financially secure for my son.
Does anyone know what I am entitled to? Apart from child maintenance, can I get him to pay for either a rented accomodation or pay the mortgage for me and my son to move back? I need a roof over my sons head and with my part time salary, I cant afford to get much! Also, what about nursery? Can I also claim some help from him towards that?
He earns a good salary so its not like he would have nothing left!
any advice would be much appreciated.

[coldatchristmas]

So sorry to hear about your situation, how awful for you.

You should see a lawyer as soon as possible.

Where are you based? Wasn't sure if you had left to stay with parents already...

[AbbevilleMummy]

How awful for you. I don't blame you for not knowing where to start!

My hubby is a divorce lawyer for one of the top firms in the country. I've just read out your post to him and he has said that he is happy to meet you for coffee locally to give you some free advice and to help you understand your options and what your entitled to etc.

He only works for high net worth individuals and so he's not expecting any payment (just maybe a latte!)

Good luck and PM me if you want his number.

[mertonmummy37]

Hi there

I am a family solicitor based in central London. I would be very happy to talk this through with you and so if you would like to have a chat please do PM me.

Best wishes

[KateHelloMums]

Mamuchi - you are strong and you got the most precious thing in your hands and you have made the first step and faced the biggest challenge - so very well done!
Now - first things first is the place you co own. He can't make you not live there, especially as it is a shared property, so I am afraid you need to move back home as it is your and your sons home a lot more than his as you have spent more time there then he ever will.
You must stay strong - use your friends for support and don't let go! Stay strong - you can do it!
You need to have a very good look at your mortgage and the set up - if it is a 50-50% then he either can buy you out or if you can afford (financially and emotionally) you can buy him out or you need to sell!
Did you have a good solicitor? If not, send me a PM as we got an amazing one who does not cost the Earth - he is very supportive and realistic and very very helpful.
Obviously these are just the first few steps but you really need to move back into the property YOU own.
Get help and advice from as many as you can handle and then make the final judgement you find to be best for your and your son.
If you need just someone who listens please PM me and I shall give you my number - truly happy to help if I can.

All the best,
Kate

[FrenchMummyInLondon]

Hi Mamuchi

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.
You already had some very good advises - about the property (it is yours too - even if you did not pay in the mortgage), about finding asap a good solicitor, and about being kind to yourself.
Maybe the only thing not mentioned is around your job. You mention going back to work in March part time - is this the best for you (financially) or would it be better going back full time? You may need to make some math (salary vs cost of nursery) but a good solicitor could also help you on this. I believe usually cost related to the children are split 50/50 between the parents so it is something to discuss with your ex.

I was in similar-ish situation (not the same but similar) - but I am now several years down that road - And I am doing fine!
I can give you some details of my situation and how me and my ex organised our self if you would like - especially tell you what we did at the beginning.
If you would like to chat, PM me.

Take care of you and all the best

[Mamuchi]

Hi everyone,

thanks for your kind messages.

So I have got a lawyer now based on a recommendation and back in our flat now (been here for the past 3 weeks) following on the advice of my lawyer

Things are a bit weird to say the least.... He is in a relationship with the other woman and has no problem telling me he is not coming to the flat on certain nights, obviously to stay with her... He also has a very annoying habit of texting me gone midnight to tell me he is not coming home and that he is staying out so I have to get up in the middle of the night to lock up the door from inside!

As much as I do not want to be with him, it still bothers me that he has no shame rubbing it in my face that he is in a new relationship. Why cant he have the decency to move out and carry on with his life and leave me to get on with mine???

When I was staying at my parents, he would complain that I only let him see our son for a few hours and would make a big drama out of it but now that I am back in the flat and he has the chance to spend time with his son, he never bothers to come or when he does he comes in so late that he is in bed already.

In terms of finances ,he is being really difficult and hardly giving me any money for food and every day stuff. He earns a good salary and has no problem in buying his new gf loads of expensive presents (including £120 on sex toys) or removed as this is a word used by spammer £1400 in one day! I have found all these recipets whilst snooping around
Every time I ask him for money, he says he wants to see reciepts of my purchases and that money is for food for our son and not for my food (I am on Mat Leave and go back in a few weeks).

I am sending him the divorce petition tomorrow so hopefully thins start moving and I can arrange some temporary maintenance.

It seems I married a total stranger and it has taken us to have a baby and buy our first property together, for him to show his true colours and what type of person he really is!

[FrenchMummyInLondon]

Hi
Petal, you seems to have been very moved by Mamuchi story - it is nice to see the support the NV community can give

However, just to clarify some point, it is actually illegal to "snoop around" to find information that was not given to you willingly in a divorce proceeding.
Your solicitor should have told you that information retrieve this way cannot be used in court and can, on the contrary, land you in a very difficult situation (you can actually get fined or even jailed according to my solicitor!)

On the "using his personal bank card without his consent", this is theft. And again, you can get in lot of trouble...

On the money thing, best advice is to get your solicitor to put a maintenance request asap - I think (but not 100% sure so don't quote me on this! ) that you can make a request at the CSA even if you are still legally married - but I don't know if it works if you are still living together...

Your solicitor (or wikiworce if you want to avoid solicitor fees) would give you more help on this. I used wikivorce a lot for my DIY divorce - and the people there understand you situation and give great recommendations.

all the best

[Tigermum]

Dear Mamuchi,

I am so sorry to hear what has happened and really glad to see all the supportive posts. I can't add to what has already been said in terms of legal advice. It sounds as if he is being really selfish (I am sure you wish he would just stay with this other woman). Once the legal framework is in place and you get things sorted out, you will be able to move on with your life, I am sure that seems like a long way a away and very painful now, but it will happen xxx

[NYE31]

So very sorry to hear your update, hard though it might be, do try & let your solicitor do all the negotiations, use the CSA, CAB etc for advice & as many of the other posters have said, you are so much better off without him.

Once you have the divorce underway, maintenance agreed etc, things will be moving in the right direction even if it doesn't feel that way.

Stay strong & remember that you are not alone, you have a wonderful son & lots of offers of help from NVN so do take them up.

x