Too soon to introduce children to new partner? Post Reply

[Allgood]

Hi Nappyvalleynetters,

So I have a bit of a dilema and know this is a fantastic place to come to get a great array of advice.

My ex and I split up, at my instigation, but kept coming back together over a period of 2 months; turns out that I really do love him and want to be him for the rest of my life and work through our issues; I thought we were getting back together and working things out, but turns out he was actually moving on without me knowing / realising, and at one point, 48 hours after 'being with' me, he hooked up with another woman, who, now 2.5 months on, he is still seeing. It has totally devasted me, (but I've surprised myself to discover that I am in fact phenomenally strong and am being able to fully function in terms of the big important things going on - my children, my (part time) job, and going through the process of buying and selling several properties, etc, etc, managing to keep all balls juggling and pretty well.) But emotionally I am really struggling with dealing with him seeing another woman and am finding it extremely extremely painful. We have moments of being very civil and working things out well, the way we are ultimately very capable of doing, e.g. looking after the children and sharing time with them, but most of the time in the last month and a half, the separation has become quite nasty and I'm not even really recognising him anymore, (I actually think he's having a midlife crisis), he's been very difficult with paying child maintenance and separation of financial assets.

My question is -
in one nasty argument (always about her), he told me he was planning to introduce the children to her that following weekend. They had been together for just 5.5 weeks at this point. Now, I think this is not just highly inappropriate, but actually slighly insane on his part. And antagonistic and spiteful to me of course, which is what I truly believe was at the foundation of wanting to do that rather than actually wanting to introduce so they could all meet.

I told him he absolutely could not introduce at that stage and according to my solicitor, and apparently the good old UK law, he actually can't do that without my agreement, that it is for both parents to decide when the time is right for their children - all about being 'in the best interests of the children'. We argued and argued, aggessively and visciously on his side, and I ended up having to get my solicitor to send him a sort of injunction letter, saying he couldn't introduce without my consent at this early stage of their relationship.

The reasons for not introducing children (ours are young, 8 and 4) to a new partner at this stage are many and fairly obvious. And with us, he had only moved out of the family home 4 weeks before he got together with her, - and as I said at the beginning, was still involved with me, which the kids could see, so surely this would be phenomenally confusing and horrible for them to see him with another woman so soon. He very very clearly only had his best interests at heart, wasn't thinking about them at all.

But since then, he has regularly been threatening me that he is going to introduce them, saying "I can do what I want when I have the children",(?!) "I can introduce her whenever I want", "it's up to me to work out when is the best time to introduce them", "it wouldn't be harming the children", etc, etc. Just to clarify - he is actually an extremely good Dad, has always taken care of them very well, is perfectly capable of looking after them on his own - cooking for them, etc, etc, and is great fun with them and they adore him. He has now been with this woman for 11 weeks (yes, I'm counting), I'm still finding it extremely painful, but have accepted that he and I are completely over, am taking steps to move on and I accept that there is a high chance this is not a rebound, this could be the one he ends up with for the rest of his life. BUT - as much as, being very honest, of course in my own interests I'd like to make it as difficult as possible for him to have a fun life with her - him, her and my kids hanging out at the park at the wkend, no no no! BUT - the bottom line is absolutely my children. They seem to be doing remarkably well about all this, although I think in last couple of weeks they're starting to show signs of wear and tear - both a little sad and subdued now and my 4 year old keeps saying most days "I really want to be with Daddy and be with you but both of you together at the same time" - which surely implies he does'nt completely understand the separation - and could not really compute or handle seeing Daddy with another woman. And apparently my ex has been telling both children he really wants to introduce them all and keeps asking if they want to meet her - and my 8 year old apparently keeps telling him she's not ready! Brilliant! That's not me saying it, - that's his own daughter telling him his suggestion is inappropriate at this time. He should be able to use that little pea in his head to stop himself taking the foolish action, but because of a host of things he has done over the last couple of months (not giving me money for child maintenance, saying he "can't even afford to give me £200" - and yet, spending £600 on 2 pairs of shoes and spending £300-£400 a month taking her out to nice restaurants, including one meal of £110, ??! and refusing to pay for getting their hair deliced, as he considers this a school associated fee and he's refusing to pay a penny towards their (private) schooling, ??! and a particularly good one was 2 days after getting my solicitor's 'injunction' letter, driving over to her house with the kids to drop something off, telling them not to look at the house he was going into, and leaving them sitting in the car outside her house, for, my daughter calculated, 8 minutes ?!), so being as nutty as he seems to be at the moment!, I don't trust him to not introduce, even despite knowing what my daughter is saying, so I'm still wondering what to do, if anything. My solicitor (who is not gung ho, out to get him, steaming on my behalf, is very calm and measured and sensible and restrained) says that if he does that, I have the right to withold access on grounds of him being irresponsible and not putting the children's interests first. I ultimately want him to see as much of the kids as possible and for them to see him as much as poss, I don't want to stop them seeing one another, but I do want to stop him introducing the woman at this stage, which I think is too early, is not appropriate and is damaging at this point for my children. I'm not saying never, I'm saying now.

How soon do you think is too soon? What do you think is an appropriate length of time for someone to be in a relationship with a new parnter for it to be ok to introduce the partner to the children? I've been surprised that most people I've asked have said a year; even I wasn't going to say that long, though I'd love to make him wait a year (admittedly in my own interests! . And obviously every person and every relationship is individual.

Please don't be harsh in any responses, I'm a bit fragile and raw about all this.

Thank you for reading.

[AbbevilleMummy]

Hi Allgood, what a horrible situation and one that sounds all too familiar to me.

My parents split up and my dad moved on very quickly. As it turned out, he had actually moved on before leaving my mum but none of us realised that back then!

You're not necessarily going to like my view, but I just wanted to give you some perspective from someone who went through it as a child. My advice would be to do everything humanly possible to keep everything nice and civil for the sake of your kids. Rosy in fact. That means letting their dad decide when to introduce his new partner, not putting your kids in the awkward position of having to report back to you what went on when they were with their dad. Always backing up their dad in front of them and basically being a united front in front of them.

I can't imagine how difficult that might be to achieve, and if it was my hubby, I'm not sure I could do it. But my parents didn't do the above. My mum did everything to try and stop my dad moving on and having a nice life with his new partner. He in turn did everything to hide his assets and regularly 'forgot' to pay his maintenance. The rift grew bigger and bigger and they got nastier and nastier with each other.

This resulted in myself and my brother (especially as he was younger) having miserable childhoods and young adult lives. Neither of us are close to our parents or our extended family or each other for that matter.

I know you say that you are concerned about confusing them and damaging them if they meet your ex's new partner too soon. But nothing can damage them more than a nasty, acrimonious separation.

[Reb]

Hello!
Brave post. I don't have any pearls of wisdom and can only offer up an alternative view that might make you look at things differently?
Fact is I do think a matter of weeks is definitely too soon. You are understandably fragile (I would be in bits) and it seems your ex knows how contentious an issue this is and yet he is really pushing it. Why? Maybe the other woman is putting pressure on him to meet your children (testing how serious he is?). I am on your side, you are totally right but when the other party is behaving so badly sometimes the only way to make them see sense is to act very calm, very reasonable. Perhaps he is angry with himself for not trying harder with your relationship and is hurt that you ultimately ended it? He is behaving very irrationaly - you should be careful not to be dragged down through his bad behaviour.
I think what I'm trying to say in my waffly manner is that you have to accept that now you're separated you can't be in control of everything. I think you might be surprised how he reacts if you turn around and say while you think it would be better for him to wait a bit to introduce her if it's what he really wants then he should do it if he's that serious about her. Chances are this will scare the s*it out of him! My hunch is that he's just got out of one domestic arrangement and it seems now someone else wants him in another one! I could be way off here but experience tells me that it's much more insightful to see how people react when you do/say the opposite thing they expect! And as another post has said it will be better for your kids to see you remaining calm. Hate, anger and bitterness don't help anyone. So long as you don't think the new woman is in some way dangerous let them meet her. Let him play happy families with the new woman and do something nice for yourself so you don't sweat over it........I can't help thinking a part of him actually doesn't want to recreate his old domestic life with you with someone else......it may be he's way out of his depth jumping into a new relationship so soon?
I could be way off here but whatever happens please continue to be strong. Probably no such thing as a good divorce, make it work for you xx

[tamara]

I agree with Abbevillemummy.

There are two ways you can approach this.

1) stand up for yourself even if that means creating a bit of an atmosphere, after all it's his "fault"

2) do everything you can to make the atmosphere at home "friendly" and reap the massive rewards later.

I too, like AM, have a personal story.

This happened to my cousins many years ago. Their father was awful and was indecisive before finally leaving for good. My aunt was in the right and boy did she let people know it! Don't get me wrong she was horribly wronged but I can honestly say decades and decades later it was one of the most defining moments of her life.

She punished him at every opportunity and in doing so taught her children (my cousins) how to hate and how to build an emotional shell that can never be breached.

Also echoing AM's post, she has almost no relationship with my cousins, they just associate her with pain.

So I think you should

1) be friendly, accommodating and gracious in all day-to-day contact. Don't let your children see or hear or feel anything negative. Their mummy and daddy are splitting up, it's ****, they don't need it to be worse.

2) hire the worst/best mother-**** lawyer you can find and let them pull his balls out of his neck but all the while whilst you are polite.

3) reap the massive rewards that are your due when in years to come your children say "mum, how did you ever cope with dad being such a ****?"

It's hard, it's unfair, it's wrong but it can be done!

Good luck and post here if you need any more advice.

[Allgood]

Oh I love nappeyvalleynet!!

Thank you ALL so much for your brilliant responses!! VERY very very helpful, all in very different ways. It's so interesting to hear from those of you with actual experience as a child, I will absolutely take on board what you have said. I've found it incredibly difficult to bite my tongue with him and with the children, but I realise I absolutely must for their sake. I've cut my contact with him down to such an extent that I've only set eyes on him for a split second on 3 occasions in a month despite doing frequent handovers between us of the children, and when I get e-mails from him, about whatever subject, I ignore them for 5 days at a time, and I'm so enjoying that. And it's making things so much easier and of course cutting the nastiness right down. (And probably driving him nuts too! )

And I love the idea of telling him he can introduce! Oooh, that pinches me, but wow, I wonder how that would go down?! Will let you know .... !

Interesting thoughts on him maybe not wanting to recreate another domestic situation so soon, that lines up with various things he's said that have been opposite to implications from him that he is serious about her, and I'm just starting to think maybe he is only ticking along with a fun relationship and not thinking long term serious, which makes me feel a little better. I do still think there's a high chance it's a rebound, will see in another month or 2 I suppose, not for us to get back together (could I seriously accept him back after all this?!), but as petty as it may sound, I'd still love for them to break up. I'm not ready for him to be with 'the next one' now, I'll be ready for the one after her.

And re Reb's comment about whether she might be dangerous or not - well!!, I nearly wrote on that post, but had written too much already, - I have worked out quite a lot about her, and while of course I'm going to hate her, I genuinely think she's actually not a nice woman. e.g. 1. He told me in a conversation right at the beginning when I found out about her, that he had told her about he and I being 'involved' ... - and yet she pursued him anyway ???! So there's a little bit of her breaking up the possibility of a family unit staying together. 2. He told me a few weeks ago that she despises me ??! (yes, really, so many responses to that one! Imagine how floored I was after those words came out of his mouth!) - So how does that one work exactly?, for her to interact with children who's mother she despises??! Curious curious. 3. She must know that he is having this argument with me about the introducing, so why the heck is she not restraining him? If she has any integrity she should bally well be telling him it's too soon and not be aiding him to pursue that action. 4. She is the one that got him sorted with his solicitor - bit too keen to get us officially separated?? 5. AND - she also has 2 children (aged 9 and 6) but it seems they don't live with her???! I haven't got the full story on that one, but it's something my solicitor says is definately something I should have a right to get the full info on before my children are brought into that little scenario. 6. Very pathetic and trivial I know, but after telling him I'd seen an interesting photo on her facebook page, 2 hours after having this conversation with him, when he told me he wasn't even friends with her on facebook, they became friends on facebook and she changed her profile picture to one of her with him. Reeks of spite specifically directed at me, which is pretty eye opening, as well as a possible nice dose of insecurity, which amused me.

Thank you all so much. So completely lovely to feel some support out there while going through the most horrific experience of my life.

[london_maman]

Hi Allgood, what a horrible situation and one that sounds all too familiar to me.

My parents split up and my dad moved on very quickly. As it turned out, he had actually moved on before leaving my mum but none of us realised that back then!

You're not necessarily going to like my view, but I just wanted to give you some perspective from someone who went through it as a child. My advice would be to do everything humanly possible to keep everything nice and civil for the sake of your kids. Rosy in fact. That means letting their dad decide when to introduce his new partner, not putting your kids in the awkward position of having to report back to you what went on when they were with their dad. Always backing up their dad in front of them and basically being a united front in front of them.

I can't imagine how difficult that might be to achieve, and if it was my hubby, I'm not sure I could do it. But my parents didn't do the above. My mum did everything to try and stop my dad moving on and having a nice life with his new partner. He in turn did everything to hide his assets and regularly 'forgot' to pay his maintenance. The rift grew bigger and bigger and they got nastier and nastier with each other.

This resulted in myself and my brother (especially as he was younger) having miserable childhoods and young adult lives. Neither of us are close to our parents or our extended family or each other for that matter.

I know you say that you are concerned about confusing them and damaging them if they meet your ex's new partner too soon. But nothing can damage them more than a nasty, acrimonious separation.

I completely share that view and have a very similar story with my parents. In whichever decision you and your husband take, think about your children first and how to make this new life as easy as possible for THEM.
Good luck to you.

[hellokittyerw]

Allgood -i am so sorry to hear of your situation! I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you and the children.

I think all posts recommending you keep calm, reasonable, polite and focus on the children's wellbeing are absolutely spot on!
I would also add:
- if your children do meet her so early on, they will probably not like her very much as they will associate her with the person who split their parents up;
- I would avoid facebook, looking at their photos or finding out info about them via your children or by taking to your ex about it, etc - you are only tormenting yourself;
- finally and most importantly - our of all the info you mention on the other lady, i am a bit concerned about the fact that her children do not live with her...i think your solicitor is right that you should find out about, it is quite unusual under UK law for the mother not to get custody...

Best of luck!

[Roxron]

As a mother myself my heart screams damn him don't do it however I think the opinions on here from people affected themselves by divorce and separation in their own youth may show otherwise. Perhaps if it's handled gently? My cousin dated a man with young children a few years ago and was introduced to them initially as his friend, not girlfriend. Only after they were comfortable with her, and she them, did she even stay beyond their bedtime. She never stayed the night when he had them, nor did they ever hold hands or kiss in front of the children. However it was important for both her and her boyfriend that the children got to meet and know her, but in a gentle manner.

[Super Dad]

I hope you don't mind a man posting a reply.

I think that your husband, whether he admits it or not, is heartbroken that you instigated your separation. He needs to feel strong after such a knock back and that may be why he is doing this.

You love him. And I bet he loves you. Else why would he be trying so hard to move on after you did this to him?

You set out your objective at the start of your post. What are you waiting for? Don't get blinded by the to and fro' / tit for tat which inevitably happens when we hurt each other badly. We are all human.

And you know how he works. What turns him on. You're probably made for him.

(At the end of the day, you probably needed a bit of competition on the scene to make you realise how much you want him. Don't feel hurt by what he is doing. It is a natural response to what you did to him.)

[Herculesmum]

I also agree wholeheartedly with AbbevilleMummy and SuperDad. I'm also a child of an extremely nasty divorce and cannot stress enough the importance of maintaining a positive relationship for your children.

And this doesn't mean faking one, it means doing everything in your power to look past your anger and hurt and find a way to have a relationship with their father. Remember he gave you these two beautiful children so if nothing else love him for that.

Children are extremely perceptive. They have already picked up on the dynamic entirely regardless of what you do/don't say to them. YOur daughter is already playing the game on your behalf and telling you what you want to hear. I used to do the same thing because you want your parent to be happy and so you'll say anything to make sure they are.

Also remember your children are 50% you and 50% their dad. To them every bad thing you say about him, they will take as a personal criticism of themselves too...children understand genetics way before they get taught it in school!

It's horrible for children to be placed in the middle of these situations and I know everything I say is so easy in theory, but for the long term good of your children you really need to try.

There is a beautiful quote that says "the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love and respect their mother." And this obviously applies both ways.

Hopefully if you treat him with compassion and respect he will return the favour and this separation become more amicable for your childrens' sake.

And regarding meeting new partners, I do think it's too soon but the reality is they already know about her so the horse has already bolted there. If anything he is taking a chance introducing them as the children will compare this woman to you and she will never stack up in their eyes. I'd actually be very surprised if he does introduce them because it will really change his relationship with his own children.

Just be the bigger person. Your relationship with your children depends on it.

[BTC Inhabitant]

Following on from Super Dad, given that "I really do love him and want to be him for the rest of my life and work through our issues" I am recommeding the website of a marital: http://www.andrewgmarshall.com and his book My Husband Doesn't Love Me and He's Texting Someone Else: The Love Coach Guide to Winning Him Back. (Here's the blurb from Amazon: Your good man is behaving badly. If you're reading this your life will be in turmoil. The man you thought you knew has turned your life upside down; you don't know where to turn or what to do for the best. Your husband is angry, dismissive and says he's fallen out of love and doesn't think you have a future together. Meanwhile, you're alternating between begging for another chance and falling into complete despair. Fortunately, marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall has a message of hope. In part one, he explains how to turn round your relationship and emerge with a stronger bond. How to get to the bottom of why he's fallen out of love What's really going through his mind. Why your husband has turned into a stranger. The signs that show if he's depressed and what to do about it. How to build better communication and start improving your relationship. In part two, he covers how to tell if there's another woman and gauge whether she really is a threat. He explains: The six types of other woman from a 'spark' to 'the love of his life'. Tailored strategies for dealing with each one. The five worst and best reactions after uncovering what's really going on. How to combat the poison that she's slipping into your relationship. When to keep fighting and when to make a tactical withdrawal.) I am not trying to sell books, but this therapist has been helpful to a relative. Funny, but Marshall points out that women might talk too much to their girlfriends who may be ready with the wrong advice (Dump the Chump!) when this is not what you want/need. And conversely, men may only talk to their wives about personal matters. Interesting contrast.

[mertonmummy37]

If you would like to talk this through I am a family solicitor based in central London and would be very happy to have a chat. Please do PM me.

[motherofdragons]

I've read the post to your question and feel they all have valid advice.
I can only share my own experience and hope it helps.
I experienced a similar situation 10 years ago with my ex husband when kids were 11 & 7. As much as I wanted to rip the whole situation apart I had a defining understanding that if I were to go down the route of acrimony I would be the one who would be harmed and ultimately the wish to protect my children overide everything. I decided the best way to deal was to live my life & live it well.
When it came to her meeting our boys I explained (in simple terms!) that their dad had met someone who was important to him & would therefore like to meet them as they were equally important. I'd met her first for a coffee and she seemed ok. The boys were given the option of meeting either at home or outside and chose home. They chose home. Thankfully it went well. Believe me it was hard at times not to deride their dad or her - especially when she became pregnant within a year - but I did it with the help of my amazing family & friends.
I remained single for 5 years - my choice - & focused on my kids & myself. 10 years on I have a degree, good job and have bought a house with my partner of 5 years. My ex did not always make things easy, the maintenance has been laughable but the boys are now old enough to have their own relationship with their dad & see him during holiday time for the odd night when it fits in with their lives! He's still with the same woman & I honestly never give them a thought. As long as she treats my children well that's enough for me.
Very long response I know but I do hope it helps & I wish you the very best for all your futures.

[mum@familychange]

Hello Allgood
You have my sympathy - it’s a tough and anxiety provoking situation you find yourself in, but as the other posts show, you are not alone. I am a Family Consultant (specialist family therapist trained in resolving conflict) and I work with people going through family change – usually as a result of separation and divorce. This is a familiar story. I do my job because like you, I’ve been there.

I would say there are two elements to solving your dilemma –
1. The technical answer – that is: the “ideal” way of handling what to say, when to say it and to whom. For this I post a link to a page with fact sheet called Introducing children to a new partner. http://www.familychangeportal.co.uk/hel ... parenting/
2. Understanding what is possible in your circumstances – you may not be able to do the “ideal”… your ex may do or say things that prevent this. So, hard as it is, you must start to ask yourself “what can I do” vs “what can I stop”.
Here are two suggestions:
1. Get some professional help – yes I know – I would say that – but it’s worth it. A facilitated conversation with someone trained in dealing with conflict can give your family valuable skills in dealing with and protecting yourself from on-going conflict.
2. Set some time aside to write a parenting plan together that will cover this issue and other things that may arise – such as how you spend birthdays and Christmas’, how you will make decisions about schooling etc. There is a good template on the CAFCASS website https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parenting-plan

Good luck and stay compassionate to yourself – it helps… ever so slightly.