MIL Post Reply

[tooposhtopush]

hmmm this is a tough one.

I love your posts on NVN but I don't know you very well so can I post TWO answers? The first is the answer I would give a girlfriend over a glass of wine in the pub, someone I know and trust and can be absolutely honest with.

The second is the answer I should give you as we're not friends in "real life" and I don't want to cause offence and this is what I should post!

Choose the one you want!!!


For my friend over a glass of wine...

What she hasn't had a sleepover already? Sheesh! Are you trying to raise her with a fear of the outside world? She'll be going to school soon? I'd grab the chance from your MIL and get her out there and building some social skills. Protective parent? Come onnnn, what you really mean is selfish and you don't want the hassle of dealing with change. Get over yourself and get her out there before it's too late. I'd love the chance of free childcare. More Prosecco? Yes please. Have you eaten? Lets go for sushi.


The reply I should write

Same as the one above but politer!

Hope this helps and please take my post with fun in the way it's intended!

[tooposhtopush]

Can I also add that if she's had a sleepover with your parents then I'm sure your MI is feeling a bit left out.

I know I would!

[Goldhawk]

Opposite opinion here - I see no need for a 4 year old to be having sleepovers unless you are going away and need childcare cover

Let's face it, it won't be a break unless your MIL has both kids!

[tooposhtopush]

Of course you do, change is always hard.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll do the right thing!

[pie81]

Tricky one.

Has your mother in law ever come to stay at your house to look after your daughter? I woud regard that as the first step (so it's still your daughter's familiar bedroom etc), with daughter staying at granny's house coming quite a lot later. Is she proposing to look after the baby too? and how does your daughter get on with her? if yr daughter likes seeing her then I'd be a lot happier about the idea.

On the regular visits... I know how you feel. Personally I would agree to schedule one visit at a time but no more. So for example set one up for a few weeks time and say you'll arrange another one after that (if you hate it you can always be terribly busy for the next month or two )

[BettyBoo]

You said it yourself you are a protective parent and therefore you wouldn't relax. So don't do it. Let her know how you feel and say it's may sound silly but it's how you feel. Don't stress over it, they are your children.

[tooposhtopush]

Hi
Can I jump back in please?

I

Don't stress over it, they are your children.

I'm not so sure about the validity of that comment.

As we grow older and our children grow up as well then family and extended family will hopefully become ever more important. Holidays are hopefully taken together, Christmas' celebrated and weddings/births and funerals shared.

The difficulty with taking the "this is how I am this is my children I do what I want" tack is that one is setting ones self up as inflexible and that then can come back to bite you.

I have a SIL who used to take very inflexible positions (which is why I am a little sensitive to it) and she can't understand why stuff happens without her knowing, plans are made without her consultation and Christmas is a done deal before she knows about it. The reason is that she annoyed quite a few people with her lack of flexibility earlier on and so we don't ask her. We're all busy people who don't need the extra stress!

I know I'm taking two and two and adding them to make fifty but please be aware that sometimes inflexibility can cut both ways.

Anyway this doesn't really apply to you as I wrote as the beginning I love your posts and I can read that you're not like that but I did want to highlight the dangers of a particular type of behaviour!

[C'est moi]

If you are confident in your MIL's ability to keep your child safe, I think you have to ask the question "why not?!" My MIL lived about 2hours away when our eldest was little and started having the odd sleepover from the age of 2. I believe that extended family, especially grandparents, are a wonderful thing and you need to allow those relationships space and time to flourish (without always hanging around). Unless there is a real problem with your daughter and her grandmother's relationship, or your daughter is particularly insecure, I have to be honest and say it does sound a bit selfish and controlling. It could be a wonderful experience for both of them. You could try it and see how it goes.
My sister in law never allowed her kids to spend time alone with anyone in the extended family until they were about 6, and as such, her children are not bonded with anyone in the extended family, and nor us to them. Although she's more relaxed now, it's too late - it feels like the window if opportunity has passed.

[C'est moi]

I have no grief over my sil's kids to transfer. I have other nieces and nephews I adore. I'm entirely indifferent to her children, despite them living very close.
I think it's an odd way to be though.
I do however have wonderful memories of time spent with my own grandmother and warm feelings about my girls' good relationship with their grandmother which have no doubt influenced my perspective.
Of course you can bond without sleepovers, but I do think there's a certain lovely dynamic to an overnight stay.

[tooposhtopush]

Hi Petal
I just want to write that I hope you don't feel criticised by the comments in this thread.

As I mentioned earlier it is very clear from your previous posts that you're caring and loving towards your children but you did ask for feedback.

I just wouldn't want you to feel got at because I believe the intention of other posters is to be honest as opposed to criticise.

[Bubs]

Sharing your pain here!

My parents want my children to sleep over (3 hrs away) in school holidays, yet haven't previously made much effort to come and visit. Hence my 8 year old says quite firmly that she doesn't want to. Fine by me as it can't be seen as 'me stopping her' since she's openly saying no, and crying. So point one - anyway you could ask your child if she'd like to perhaps? If she says no, problem solved!

Point 2. I also have two days off work that are SO precious. They are also far too often disrupted by in-law visits. SO infuriating! You are not being selfish at all. Those days are mine, I earned those, I want to see my friends and just have some downtime. I suggest a Sunday afternoon instead - when husband is around to deal with them.

Two very shared themes in our house though, and you have my sympathy!
Grandparents are incredibly important, yes, but they must make the effort at building a good relationship slowly before demanding things.

[broodje]

I think there are two issues here - one is MIL establishing a reasonable relationship with your kids (both of them) and the second one is the form it takes.

I would not be comfortable that to be a sleepover to start with. I can see how it would be very lonely for a 4 year old and frankly speaking I don't see much point to it. I don't think she'd particularly enjoy it.

She should start by coming over and doing something fun with her to establish a bond, e.g. going to a farm, taking her to a museum, zoo, etc. Then this could extend to babysitting for both kids so you can get a break. I appreciate this might be more tricky for her given 1.5 hour drive but that's the way it goes. She has to invest the time and effort before sleepovers can be done.

Re regular stuff, I also see your point - this could easily be done ad hoc. She calls you a couple of weeks in advance and proposes something, etc.

[Bubs]

My in-laws (2 hrs away but with a London crash pad) very often call, on one of my days off, and announce "hi, we're here". It's really destroying relations, surely it's just polite to enquire as to when might be a good week and take it from there - not book in regular slots, or turn up uninvited.

We need a grandparents handbook!

[vendredimanche]

Hello

I sympathise with the issue of MIL wanting to come regularly on your days off – you should be very firm there. It's your time, with your children. Absolutely fine to be selfish on that front in my view.

For the sleepovers, I have a different experience, but of course it will depend on the child – and I do understand when you say she is not ready. My twins have slept over at their grandparents from a very early age (we're talking 12 months old!) on a regular basis. Of course having each other must have made it easier, but I would have definitely done it also with a single child. Through regular sleepovers they created a fantastic bond with my MIL (one that I wish they have with my own mother, but she lives abroad). They get spoilt rotten on "Grandma days" (usually a pizza dinner and staying up watching Strictly, the Voice, you name it) and it does give me + husband some proper couple time. I will admit that the first few times were pretty tough – it was hard returning to a house at night with their empty beds, and I was constantly calling to check up on them (as well as leaving her a long list of instructions!). But fast-forward 7 years, they have spent many many nights and holidays with my MIL. We, the kids and my MIL all look forward to these nights. Win, win in my view.
VdM

[BFW]

You are so lucky Petal to have a MIL that wants to help / be involved / get to know your daughter !

We have no grandparents in the UK and I am so sad that my children will grow up having such a limited relationship with my parents and with my in laws as they only see them once / twice a year.

When the time is right for your daughter (i.e. when she feels comfortable to have a sleepover) grab the opportunity ! Personally I think she will thank you one day for giving letting her spend time with her grandmother and I love vendredimanche's post about her twins and her MIL - that is so what I would want for my children !

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