Can my daughter's friend be trusted? Post Reply

[Mum2two2012]

My daughter has just started a new school (Sept 2014) and is settling in well. She is in Year 7 so all very new to her making new friends etc.

Yesterday she lost her phone. She was so disappointed but after ringing it a few times I was convinced it would turn up in lost property today as it was ringing until 10.00pm last night.

At 8.00am this morning the mother of one of her friends rang me to say that her daughter had found the said phone in her pocket!

Although I am very pleased the phone has been found I have massive reservations as to how the phone found it's way into another girl's pocket???? It is school policy that the students keep their blazers on at school at all times and I am struggling with how her friend could walk home with her blazer on, take it off at home and still not realise she had two mobile phones in her pockets. (her own and the one belonging to my daughter)

My daughter said she last used it at lunch time. I picked her up at 5.30 and rang her phone as soon as she told me and it rang out again and again. It does not ring, but does vibrate quite loudly when being called or if she gets messages etc.

I have mixed feelings about her friend but have kept them to myself. I do not want to control her social life and want her to establish her own friends but having met her friend's family I do not really warm to them........

Her father does agree that this does seem strange but I was wondering what other mummies think and how I could approach my daughter about this without sounding negative and controlling?

Any advice would be appreciated.........

Thanks!

[broodje]

I think you are over-analyzing this. My own daughter is so scatter brained that could have 5 mobile phones in her various pockets and not realize they are there or how she came to have them.

Nor does she ever reply to her phone when I ring - how would you ask if it's in her blazer and similar to your daughter's school they must keep them on all the time. There you go.

Your daughter could have left if behind somewhere (e.g. they could have been playing or programming someone's phone number or texting - scenarios are endless!) and the other girl picked it up automatically or picked it up and forgot, etc.

There may be other things that you don't like about the other girl and her family but the situation with the phone taken in isolation is really nothing IMHO

[gruffalo's dad]

I don't really understand what the issue is with the phone. The mother of the friend phoned to say that her daughter had found it in her pocket. To be honest, I don't think I would have bothered phoning - I would have just sent my daughter into school with it to give it to your daugher. I doesn't sound like there is any bullying or dishonesty involved.

It sounds like you have a problem with this friend and the friend's family. However, you don't say what that problem is, so I don't think we can really give any advice. To be honest, if your only issue is that you "do not really warm" to the friend's family, I think you are being a bit ridiculous.

[Mum2two2012]

Thank you both for your opinions on this.

I know I can be prone to think too much outside the box and I accept that.

Gruffalo's dad, I cannot pinpoint what is that I am unsure about this girl and her family it is more my sixth sense coming into play.

I have now spoken to my daughter and they were together for the rest of the afternoon and then said goodbye before my parting and at the end of the day. During this whole time she would have had the phone in her pocket AND I texted my daughter during this time. Her friend told her that she picked up her phone and put it in her pocket and forgot to return it.....

This morning her mother told me her blazer felt heavy this morning???? But not when she walked home or when she took her uniform off the previous evening. My daughter also mentioned that her friend is "stressed" right now and "has issues to deal with"....really at 11 years old? She told me her grandfather has cancer.

Over the years my daughter has lost many items and emails have been bounced back and forth between parents, that so and so has this and will bring it back tomorrow etc. Never cause for concern. Gruffalo's dad if you would not have sent an email or rung to put both the child's parents and the child's mind at rest then fair enough. In my experience whenever my daughter has gone home with the wrong jumper, blazer etc I have always notified the parent as in my experience these items are too expensive to loose. My daughter's phone was a birthday present, it is not something I would have bought personally but it is modern, uptodate and therefore quite an expensive item.

At the end of the day she has her phone back which I am very pleased about. But I am her mother and am there to protect her. After much thought if her friend has done this, either by (regretful) malice or severe clumsiness (not sure which is worse!), I do think my daughter must be wary of her.

I know at the end of the day if I picked up my friend's phone and I was sitting in the same room as her for over an hour I would ensure it would be returned asap. If phones are not allowed during lessons I would ask the teacher or ensure I returned it after the lesson or at least call in the evening. It is not a small or light phone.

You both have indicated that maybe I have over reacted and maybe I have. However, something does not sit right.

Thank you both anyway, I will not say anything more about this to my daughter and the incident will be gone but not forgotten..........

[lemonzest]

Just to say, a not exactly the same, but slightly similar thing happened to a friend of mine. We were at work (busy environment, with 100s of members of the public passing through) and her 'phone went AWOL. We searched everywhere, we tried using 'find my iPhone', but it didn't seem to have gone off-site. Very weirdly it turned up several hours later in a mutual friend's pocket (very trustworthy person!) I can only assume that someone else put it there by accident/they had the same colour 'phone and picked it up (actually, come to think of it, I've accidentally 'pocketed' one of my close colleague/friend's 'phones on occasion before, as they're completely identical). In this original case we were 'phoning the 'phone, pinging the 'phone etc, and the normally bright, un-dappy girl didn't notice. So I think it can happen without any malice etc - she was in a public place with 100s of others, and had no expectation that it would be her own 'phone ringing/pinging, so didn't think to check for an additional one! Clear as mud?!

[Mum2two2012]

Hey Lemonzest,

Thanks for your input. I just try to put myself in my daughter's/friend's shoes: they are playing the piano together. My daughter put her phone on the piano. They realised they should be somewhere else and rushed to get there. My daughter got there first (detention if she was late!) then her friend arrives later having found the phone and put in her pocket. Lesson done (no opportunity to hand it back when she was in classroom). Another lesson done and good byes with me sending texts with would have made the phone vibrate in the blazer she was wearing!

In your situation was the person wearing the jacket that the phone turned up in?

[Mum2two2012]

Just to add as an afterthought, if I did not have reservations about her family maybe this would not be an issue but at the end of the day I do and I have......Maybe if a call had arrived in the evening my reaction would be different.....

[broodje]

Sorry to labour the point, but I think you are putting too much significance on it. People have different priorities, understanding of urgency, etc.

I wouldn't rush to call you to say I found the phone. It's really not such a bid deal if they are going to see each other at school the next day. I also let people know by e-mail at primary level if somebody's PE kit ended up at ours, but I wouldn't do it secondary. Similarly, far from everybody would let ME know if our kit ended up at theirs. Minority I would say. Most would just pass it on with the child. My own daughter would sometimes take days before passing something on because she'd forget.

Anyway, you feel the way you feel, but from an outsider's point of view it's nothing.

[Mum2two2012]

Thank you broodje.

Again I appreciate your input. Am unsure why the same courtesy could not apply from Year 6 to year 7 if you have the required contact details. What difference does the year make? This is supposed to be my daughter's close friend??? If your child came home with her friend's phone and you realised, your sense of urgency and priority would not allow you to contact her mother whom you had met and knew? You would just say ok? Give it to her tomorrow???? REALLY?????

If either of my children came home with another item belonging to someone else I would ensure either the parents or child would know asap. Maybe because uniform is expensive as are electrical gadgets. The year that the child was in would be irrelevant to me to be honest. I guess I fall into a minority group.

[gemma1984]

Hi mum2two

I completely agree with you, if my child arrived home with something belonging to a friend the first thing I would do is try and contact the parents especially if it was a expensive item like a phone.
I also find it hard to believe that the friend was unaware of the phone vibrating in her pocket.
I personally would be wary and keep a close eye on my child.

[gruffalo's dad]

A couple of thoughts:

(1) What parent gives an 11 year old an expensive mobile phone? Apart from the risk of damage/loss, I'd be concerned at making them a target for a mugging. A pay-as-you-go mobile from a high street phone shop costs £20-30. I wouldn't consider that an expensive bit of kit, but I can understand how someone on a lower income could see it differently.

(2) What's the urgency in telling a parent that your child has their mobile phone. The only reason I can see that it would be urgent is if you thought that parent was going to go out the following day and immediately buy a replacement phone. I would assume that a parent would wait at least a day to see if the phone showed up. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

[Mum2two2012]

Thankyou Gemma 1984. At the end the day we all take our parenting responsibilities differently. My daughter has mixed feelings about this whole incident and as a responsible parent I am here to support and guide her. But yes I will keep an eye on her. That is what I am here for......

Gruffalo's dad - a couple of answers

!) Please read my previous posts. This phone was a gift and not purchased by either myself or my daughter's father. If I had my way my daughter would not have a phone, laptop or tablet. However, this school of thought is very hard to maintain when schools distribute iPads to students and others encourage them to "capture" their homework rather than write them down. If I had my way my daughter would not know about Wiki but instead would refer to her Encyclopedia Britannica for research/information to do her homework. Unfortunately the phone cost a little more than £20/£30 .

2) I requested a temporary block on the Sim card immediately and organised for a replacement handset and would expect any other responsible person to do the same hence wanting to notify them immediately to save them the time and hassle if the tables were turned. It certainly gave me piece of mind that any abuse would be limited whilst the phone was lost. Once found the Sim card was unblocked and the replacement phone cancelled. I guess that was urgency . Simple really.

I would not have felt happy saying or my daughter "oh do not worry you have this phone in your pocket that is not yours. Just keep it until tomorrow. Sleep well!"......

All about respect and showing a good, responsible example to our future generation I think......

[supergirl]

I think you are reading too much into it. It s a long road till the end if Uni so get yourself a hard skin if you feel so strongly about that at Yr 7 - it may get worst.
Present or not, if she has an expensive phone she will be a target. I would change her phone right now because i am a responsible parent.

As for calling the other parent if i had found it. I would. But you see i m in the middle of a lot of cycles of chemotherapy. My brain is drugged, i feel tired and flaky. It is very possible i would have thought of calling but then forgot.

You said her grandfather may have cancer. Cut them some slack, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

It s a none issue as it is the first time. I would have however a stern word with my daughter who has lost it in the first place and teach her responsibility.
You cant excuse that. She needs to grow up as a responsible adult.

[Squinkle]

[quote][/quote]"My daughter also mentioned that her friend is "stressed" right now and "has issues to deal with"....really at 11 years old? She told me her grandfather has cancer."

Er, yes, I think having a Grandfather with cancer could be deemed as an ever-so-slightly stressful situation to have to deal with at 11..

[kiwimummy]

Another vote here for being too tough on the friend. The mum called you and made sure the phone was returned. I don't think there's anything sinister going on here. I'd advise my child it was their responsibility to take care of their phone.

Personally, you are definitely overthinking this.