Having a second child - 2x the fun or 10x the exhaustion?! Post Reply

[IndyB]

Just want to hear some experiences from the parents of 2 (or more) out there -- how did having a second child change your life?

Did you find it easier with 2?

Or do you look back on your days with 1 child and think 'wow, we had it easy then!'

Curious to hear perspectives...

[rugby]

It's not either or!!!

Lots of fun

The early stages with a baby and a toddler are pretty wearing!

[Bodders1]

Amazing. My second son has been an absolute joy and pleasure and has changed my life in so many ways. I have definitely enjoyed it more second time round. It is more tiring and it does make you appreciate how easy it was with one but I never dwell on that as you don't get that time back (having only one). In my opinion, second children bring so much to family life and my elder son has benefitted hugely from having a sibling.

[cheesesandwich]

10 x more exhausting (add five every year they are closer together in age)

Once the littlest gets to about two and they start playing together it's much easier and you can actually put your feet up for half an hour and read the papers on the rare occasion. Until then it's bloody hard and anyone who says any different is lying or has too much childcare.

But I wouldn't have it any other way when I hear them whispering stories to each other and creeping up on me to say boo!

[pepper]

My second child was not easier at the beginnig. It was hard job look after two kids and waking up every 2 hours.... after a year of not sleeping its much better, a lot of fun, esspecially with the younger one as she is trying copy her older sisiter. Really good for kids to have brother or sister

[Bubs]

I had my two 5 years apart, which had its good and bad points.

Lovely to have the second one at home during the day whilst, and chance go to all the baby groups etc while the big one was at school. Horrendous to have to try and time in school drops and pick ups around those new baby days (months ....). Hard to try and have the baby nap, while the big one charges about. Hard to try and function on such little sleep AND have the older child to get to school/do homework, clubs, etc. The early days pass.

Now they’re bigger they adore one another, and play together but there are odd times when age appropriate activities restrict us (cinema for the big one, little one won’t sit through for instance), theatre trips (same).

When the big one has a friend over and the little one wants to join in, but isn’t welcome.

Childcare can be a juggle, getting two ready in the mornings before I leave for work/every time we leave the house/pack to go on holiday is a big step up from one.

Their social lives needing coordinating is like a full time job. Their demands exhaust me, you just sate one and the other wants something.

It’s sometimes like a never-ending playdate, complete with altercations in my house.

There’s the guilt you feel about not being able to properly focus on one ..... or the other.

The big one overly worries about the little one, so I sometimes feel I’ve inadvertently given her too much ‘responsibility’ somehow – but she is quite soppy like that.

Overall though, we feel like we’ve given them each other – which is just such a gift. When their Dad and I go out in the evenings, the big one is less upset than she was because she now has her sister with her, same for kids clubs and things on holidays, they have ‘reinforcement’ and feel stronger and braver for it. They’re a team and they feel it, powerfully.

I do look back on when I had one and think my goodness it was so easy. I get ruffled by comments from parents of one child that I ‘should’ be doing this or that, and think YOU try having more than one. I feel very guilty when my eldest can’t do things her only child friends can because we have to factor in the little one.

Would I change it? When they’re cuddled up reading stories in bed, when they run into each others’ rooms the minute they wake up, when they’re washing each others’ hair in the bath, when they’re manically laughing at something the other one has done, when they’re whispering secrets and giggling, when they talk so lovingly and proudly of their sister, and when I think of them having each other to share their futures with – the big one hopefully guiding the younger one, the younger one hopefully listening to her big sister way more than she’d ever listen to me – no, I wouldn’t change a thing.

**(When they’re winding each other up and slamming doors on each other, yes, I might have winsome fleeting thoughts of the days when I had an only child).

[Rodent]

Rarely post, but Bubs, you have just made my day! I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my daughter was 11 months, so even best case scenario, we won't be able to think about a second till she is 3/4, if I am still all clear. I worry so much about this as everybody seems to advocate having them close together, but you have just made me see that there are definitely some advantages to having a bigger age gap!

[actuallyadad]

The second is much easier than the first as you are much more confident.

We felt that having number 2 was in the best interests of number 1, in that a sibling would be good for number 1's life. That trumped our worries about two children being hard work for us.

Also I have met plenty of people who have one child who regret not having more, but I never met anybody with two who regrets the second.

But there's no right answer, so good luck and I hope whatever you decide works for you!

[Bubs]

Rarely post, but Bubs, you have just made my day! I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my daughter was 11 months, so even best case scenario, we won't be able to think about a second till she is 3/4, if I am still all clear. I worry so much about this as everybody seems to advocate having them close together, but you have just made me see that there are definitely some advantages to having a bigger age gap!

Awww, and in turn you have just made my day too. Thank you for the lovely comment.

Our age gap wasn't planned either, life gets in the way sometimes as I am so sorry you've had to experience in such a horrible way ...... but it definitely still works.

I have a perspective I didn't have during the manic toddler years. The light at the end of the tunnel is right there, I can see the difficult stages will pass.

We (selfishly) still have our cuddly little toddler whilst the big one sometimes disappears off with her friends and acts like a mini-teenager. At any time that I mourn the too-fast growing-up of the big one, I still have my 'baby' to cherish, and I can appreciate her (and her 'wilfull toddlerness' *ahem*) more for it.

There are unexpected positives at every turn. I'm so pleased I've been able to demonstrate that for you especially x

[NYE31]

I am pregnant with no. 2 & we will have a 4 year gap due to 3 miscarriages & taking 2 years to conceive after my last miscarriage.

No. 1 will be starting reception when no.2 is born so I'm hoping that a bigger gap will give me more time to spend with no.2 that I would have had with the 20 month gap that there would have been when I was last pregnant.

I don't think there is an "ideal gap", we can't always plan the gap & if I think if you are lucky enough to have a 2nd child, you make it work.

[Rodent]

Thanks to those writing with me in mind, every little helps!!!

[IndyB]

Thanks so much for the replies. Great to hear your perspectives.

Perhaps we can agree a second child will bring fun AND exhaustion (and the respective numbers differ all the time!).

[Joe's Mum]

Yes. I was hoping for a smaller age gap and ended up with nearly 3 years. It worked out really well for us. We had none of the jealousy of the new baby that my friends with younger children had. (It was HIS baby too, and 3 years on he still looks out for him). This made breast feeding etc. much easier.
They play together a lot, and the little one is often asking "When IS Joe coming home" by about lunch time.

[Martina1]

Oh ten times the fun. And very little more exhausting.

[BettyBoo]

Definitely fun. But a thousand times more exhausting. As long as you go in eyes open. Personally the bit I miss the most is couple time with husband. It really is hard to do. Not many people will babysit two overnight, you split both between you, it's never ending. Everything is so much more expensive. Especially childcare if you wish to go back to work. And I wanted to.