Husband wants to go on holiday on his own Post Reply

[Worriedandstressed]

Hi
My husband has recently been placed on gardening leave and has six months off before he starts his new job.

I had assumed that we would work on the house together, share chores and generally use the extra breathing space this will give us to have some relaxing times.

He now tells me that he wants to go travelling!

He's in his late thirties and we have two young children so by default that means I'll be on my own.

I am speechless with rage about this. His view is that he has worked hard (he has) and that he has an opportunity to disappear off for four months backpacking and he'll never get that again.

Kindly (I'm being sarcastic) we'll visit him for our summer holiday but apart from that he'd be off.

Obviously that means I'll have to work even harder as all the school runs/meals/chores/house etc I'll have to do on my own with no help from him at all.

He can't see what the problem is and this is causing some issues, can I please have some advice?

Thanks

[darlingmummy]

very selfish as most men are, but saying that if he is on gardening leave for six months it means that he is in a well paid job that has allowed your family to live a comfortable life, and correct me if I am wrong.
I also assume from your post that you are not working and he probably thinks that as the only breadwinner he is allowed to do whatever pleases him, whether that is right or wrong.

[LP73]

I really feel for you as I would be so upset if my husband did this to our family.

I think that you need to ask someone to look after the children for the night, go out and try to find out why he really wants this and if there is a bigger problem. I am sorry to say this but if he was happy then he would want to spend as much time with his family in his six months off. The school holidays are very long so you could all spend a wonderful holiday away.

Yes, many men are selfish but just because your husband may be the bread winner it doesn't give him the right to do this. I think it's so easy to forget that a stay at home mum has a full time job, rarely taking a break and is also left to look after and run the house. A job of a household manager with child caring duties, if salaried would command around £60k a year in a busy, successful household so let's not undervalue what stay at home mums do.

This should be a time for both of you to spend some quality time together as a family, this will only benefit your children too. Perhaps he also doesn't realise the affect he will have on his children just disappearing for six months.

I really hope that you can talk through this and come up with something that will work for you both.

[Worriedandstressed]

but would you "let" your partners go?

I know I can't stop him but I do wonder whether it's worth kicking up so much of a fuss that he doesn't go.

I know that's not ideal but I also feel I can't believe he is going...

[LP73]

If it was me I would make it very clear that I didn't want him to go by explaining the reasons why. I would kick up a fuss for all of the right reasons.

No one can stop someone for doing something, but I would like to think that if i truly didn't want my husband to go away and it was going to jeopardise out marriage, then he wouldn't go. If he did go then to be honest I would not forgive him and I would imagine cracks would start to show.

I can ask him if you like??

[sw11_]

I have some sympathy with him to an extent. What a wonderful chance to get some time to himself. If it was my husband I would probably agree to a shorter spell away - but nowhere near 4 months.

Actually a client of mine working at a major FTSE 100 company went on a 3 week organised tour round South america on his 3 month gardening leave without his wife and kids and felt it really helped him reset and recharge - it was a once in a (post marriage) lifetime opportunity to take some time to himself.

In summary I think 4 months is very unreasonable but I think a shorter trip to himself would be a really nice thing for you to agree to.

Put it another way - if I was on gardening leave it would cross my mind to go away by myself - although not for longer than a week or two!

[Worriedandstressed]

Thank you all for your feedback.

I think it's the length of time that is so hard, a week or so seems fine but months and months is a bit different

[sw11_]

I agree. Months and months is a bit weird.

[london_maman]

That is outrageous! I can't believe some posters are feeling sympathetic for the husband!! 6 month gardening leave doesn't mean 6 month off duty dad!!
When you have kids that's a full time responsability! You can't just decide to have a 4 month break! That's the deal!
And excuse me but you staying at home with the kids is a full time job too! I bet you would love a break too!

[LP73]

A week break wouldn't be an issue but I do feel that you should have a week away to recover from your hard work too should you wish to do so - I would imagine that you wouldn't want to leave your children!!

I asked my husband and he did say that he would never put myself or our family in that situation. Is he having a mid life crisis? He suggested that maybe you should leave him alone with the children for a week so that he understands how hard you work at home.

Could a compromise be getting away as a family for a month or two and taking someone away with you to look after the children so that you can both have a break??

I hope that it works out for you.

[juliantenniscoach]

"very selfish as most men are" - well that's open minded right there!

Way too long to go on off. Definitely not right nor fair on you or family. Unless he's completely insular then a sit down and a frank explanation of what you wrote in your OP should sort it. If not then look behind the travel reason because if I had 6 months off, I wouldn't spend 4 months away from a family I love and support.

Hope you work it out.

[LouParker]

Really hard on you, but also very difficult for the children. I'm angry on your behalf!

[millymoo]

Really feel for you on this - where does he plan to go and with whom? I think he is being a bit naive assuming that 4 months back packing on how own is going to be much fun unless it was some sort of organised charitable project or similar. I assume there are going to be things he is going to miss out on? And sorry to generalise Julian but my husband wouldn't be able to organise a 4 week trip let alone a 4 month one! Maybe just call his bluff, say it is ok and see what his reaction is

[juliantenniscoach]

"but my husband wouldn't be able to organise a 4 week trip let alone a 4 month one!" - Really? I hear this a lot and can't quite believe it. Are your partners so reductive to being very good at their jobs and hopeless out of it? Isn't that up there with the myth of 'multi-tasking'? I'm thinking of asking Marie Claire for a refund on my subscription!!

[pie81]

I agree with the previous replies - especially the one who said 6 months gardening leave doesn't mean 6 months off parenting duties!

I'd be fuming if my husband wanted to leave me with sole charge of the children and housework for months. No way!

Here's an idea: tell him that he can go away for two months if YOU can go away for the other two months! after all that's only fair. See how he likes the idea of a long period of sole childcare... then he might get why you're not keen!!