Husband wants to go on holiday on his own Post Reply

[AnotherMummy]

Hi,

I do understand your husband needs a break and wants to make the most of the gardening leave but taking four months travelling on your own when you have a family is a bit strange.
I like Pie_81's suggestion. Also, is there no way you can take the kids out of school exceptionally and join your husband for longer? Could you leave the kids with relatives and join hubby for a week or two?
On a separate note I would also leave him to announce and explain his decision to the children. Four months is a long time without your family.

Good luck!

[Worriedandstressed]

I'm now wondering if I can leave my ipad switched on with this on the screen for him to find.

thanks everyone

[Worriedandstressed]

Thank you, that made me laugh

[Mills1234]

As someone that has really enjoyed heading off on my own with a rucksack, I can see the appeal in making the most of the time off, but I would be doing it with my family now. 6 months off is something that comes around extremely rarely for most, I have no idea of the age of your children, but I would be looking into the feasibility of a distance schooling package and packing us all up. It would be an amazing opportunity for you all to have.

However, maybe that is not your cup of tea, or your idea of hell. In which case maybe you need to think about some kind of shorter time period compromise, but you need to be able to agree to it, and live with him going, with good grace to make it work.

If he doesn't actually want to go away with his family, as others have said, that does slightly sound like a wider issue, and would be totally rubbish to live with.

My sister's husband has just gone off on a "lads road trip" 40th driving up the west coast of California and beyond, and it has taken him to get there to realise he's made the completely wrong decision. He was adamant it wasn't child friendly as he wanted to see where he got to each day etc. He's now there missing his children, who are over here quite confused and upset about why Daddy wanted to go on holiday without them!

My sister made the mistake of saying I would rather you didn't go but if you want to that is your choice. She now wishes she had been clearer that it was a no go. She hasn't been able to deal with the build up to it with good grace, so it has reflected badly on both of them in the end in a way. Clearer communication early on would have made things better for both of them.

[purrdrop]

I'm probably in the minority here, but here goes anyway....

Your husband is very much his own person, and doesn't need permission as such. Sure I can understand how awful it would be for you to be alone with all the chores, but on his death bed, am sure he won't say: "gosh I'm glad I didn't go on that trip".

How exciting for the children to hear what daddy will be up to, and what treasures he'll bring back for them. When they're grown ups, do you think they'll say "dad ruined my life by travelling the world for a few months".?

People still need to be themselves and to make their own choices, even with the 'responsibility' of marriage.

Don't you think it may be good for HIM to get away? I'd be supportive, but as I said, possibly in the minority.

[twice_as_nice]

I'm sure he's worked very hard and is deserving of a holiday. As are you. But travelling for 4 months isn't just a holiday, it's a really really long time. You have responsibilities and can't run off for a 4 month holiday, he can't either.

Perhaps if you put it to him in a way which is not about how it impacts you and how much hard work it would be for you but about how it impacts the children and how they (and you) will miss him maybe he will see the ridiculousness of it?

Failing that, I think the point that he goes for 2 months then you go for 2 months is a great one. Seriously. Or take the kids with you and all go, brilliant idea!

[Worriedandstressed]

would be beyond ROPEABLE if my husband suggested he depart on a four month holiday/soul search while you are left alone with the house and kids without his help and company.

Thanks MM, that made me laugh!

[pie81]

I'm probably in the minority here, but here goes anyway....

Your husband is very much his own person, and doesn't need permission as such.

I disagree purrdrop. Once you have kids you are responsible for looking after them - at least shared responsibility with the other parent - and so yes you DO need permission to go away, in the sense that you need the other parent to agree to take on your share of the childcare as well as their own. Which is a big ask if it's a long trip and there are two small children (and not much chance of the mother getting her own trip away in return).

[juliantenniscoach]

@Petal. If you read my original response you'll see I don't support the husband's idea at all. Quite the opposite in fact. However I will rail against pointless, witless male bashing where appropriate. I am a small minded competitive boy at heart remember

[AbbevilleMummy]

I'm a bit torn on this one actually. I'm about to go on gardening leave myself after a very long period of working hard and juggling family life. I can totally see the appeal of going away for 4 months before it's too late and I know that my husband would support me if that's what I want to do. But with 2 young children, I couldn't bare it so actually looking into going away with just them for a couple of months. It will be tough on my hubby to be without us for a few months but it's a great opportunity and he sees that and supports it fully.

I don't want to sound sexist or generalise, but I think if I was a dad and not a mum I think I would probably be thinking along the same lines as your husband. From most dads that I know, they don't need as much time with their kids as mums do in order to be fulfilled and very much rely and quality over quantity.

As opposed to worrying about the damage the break would do to your family and marriage, I would be more concerned about the damage that could be done by preventing the trip. Life is short, the 4 months would pass quickly and you could all be much happier at the end of it.

[CBW7779]

To two months, maybe three tops, I would say "sure, go ahead and have a great time" but 4 mths in a young family's life is a long time, I'd maybe point out how much the children will miss him, as well as you, and how much they will have changed when he gets back. I have some experience of garden leave - he may be so exhausted from the whole process of getting the new job and resigning - both hugely stressful and clearly he is a significant person in his world if he needs to be kept out of the market so long - he may be slightly over thinking how much "time off" he needs. He might quickly find that being home is a real break too, but I do really sympathise with him if he is thinking "this is my one chance", esp as I'm sure the new employer will hit him hard when he arrives, having "waited" six months for him. He might also need to think about how they will try to reel him in before the end of the six months, ie he might need to be in town earlier than he hopes for the new employer...! In short, I'd be sympathetic but seuggest a reasonable compromise?

[kiwimummy]

I couldn't imagine 4 months of being in solo parentis .

Mine is going on a two week business trip and I am already counting the days until he is back!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

His 'one chance' was before he had children, though, of course, you could always go once the kids have grown up. (I don't think a lot of gap year kids can tell the difference between a 40 year old and a 50 year old anyway.)

Also you could fit some quite amazing adventures into a six week school holiday surely? If you didn't want to backpack around, you could rent a house in Chiang Mai or Costa Rica or something - just throwing ideas out there!

[curly]

Surely however much time he takes off, you are entitled to the same amount and he has to look after he kids whilst you are away! That might get him to think amount the amount of time he is away!

[MummyWalker]

Worriedandstressed - I'd say your rage is a perfectly reasonable response. Not sure I have any advice but thought I'd share the response I got when I decided to test my own husband's views on the subject. I asked him yesterday how he would hypothetically spend 6 months gardening leave:

Him: "well, to start with, probably go away for a month... (Pauses to think)"
Me: "on your own or with us?" ("us" being me plus two small children)
Him: (laugh of disbelief) "with you guys of course - why would I want to go on my own? That would be a bit harsh wouldn't it?"
Me: (breathes sigh of relief) "well there's this thread on NVN..."