Husband wants to go on holiday on his own Post Reply

[supergirl]

I wonder whether what your husband meant to tell is that he needs time to himself to re-center with himself and that the 4 months duration was more of a dream thought aloud rather than a thought through decision?

If my husband had 6 months gardening leave he would want to go away and i actually would actively encourage it, but he would not go for 4 months (this os ridiculously too long).

If your husband OP is like mine he simply doesnt have the time to think about himself. It is work and family duties, work and family time. I very very busy running everything else house, kids, school including a part time job and recovering health wise but i would say i am still in a much better position than him to think about myself. For the last 5 yrs life has been super fast for us with very little time to make sense of it all. Everyday you deal with new challenges.

Maybe what your husband need is that time off duties so he can make sense and find what he wants from the next part. So my advice would be to try to embrace the idea and work out a way to do it together rather kicking up a fuss. This way you make sure he still talks to you and he get to do something you have okeyed rather than him being so upset that he ll resend you.

Good luck. It is a tough one.

[millymac]

My husband had 6 months gardening leave a while ago. This is what he did - he project managed a major house refurb for us, managed the house move, played golf, and spent time with the kids with and without our nanny. All his choice and he saw it as an amazing opportunity to spend quality time with the children as he doesn't always see a lot of them during the week when working.

I work 4 days a week and normally, I handover to the nanny in the morning and evening during the week. He encouraged me to not rush home from work and take advantage of him being at home and picking up the slack. This was a pretty fantastic perk for me and I really appreciated it. He had the kids for 4 days and nights while I went to a festival with my girlfriends.

Anyway, my point is if he had said he wanted to go away for 4 months, I would have been really annoyed and angry. We are a partnership and decided to have children together. He took it as an opportunity for us all to get something out of his time off, and benefit as a family.

I showed my husband this thread and he says he would never want to be away from me and the kids for that length of time. Having said that, I don't see why he couldn't go away for a few weeks on a holiday or come to some compromise. And why can't you have the same?

[ladyofacertainage]

4 months is too long... My husband went off for 4 weeks when i had a 6 week old baby..my friends thought he was mad/callous but he had postponed the trip when we found out I was pregnant so he was here for the birth. he has always travelled and in my 3 kids life he has had many long (2 month) trips to far flung put of reach places. He has always done this and it is what defines him and keeps him happy, I knew it before we married. However, most couple don't work like this and we are very lucky it works for us. He does miss us madly and we him but we are used to it and life goes on. If you are not working take the kids and go together, they can miss school for a term (assuming they are not into public exams). If he really wants to go on his own without you maybe there should be danger bells ringing.

[Janet14]

Wow my husband thought I was selfish going away for a month WITH the kids while I was on maternity (he joined us for two weeks) while he was stuck at home working! I think you should go along the route, 'sounds like a great idea, let's all go together!'
Out of interest what does the extended family say? Maybe ours is more involved than most but I don't think my husband would dear risk the wrath of his Mum if he dared suggesting leaving his children for four months!!
I would possible suggest he pays for a full time nanny for four months too if all else fails!
Good luck and sorry to hear he's even put you in this situation

[Souza]

Hi - I'm a single man in my 40s...please feel free to show my advice to your husband:

Dear Husband,

I think going on a 4 month holiday on your own is a little unfair on your wife. When one agrees to get married, and then have children - that is a major undertaking of responsibility - to take care of your wife and children 'til death do us part'.

It means that from thereon - both the husband and wife - are required to make decisions which take into account the whole family - not just themselves.

If you are keen on travelling for 4 months of your gardening leave - your wife and children should come with you. I'm afraid to say it is highly irresponsible to take off on your own leaving your wife and children behind.

Even though you are the bread winner - the house and children are just as much yours as they are your wife's. A married man should be thinking about 'US' [your family' - not ME [just yourself].

I hope you won't abandon your wife and children - but instead take the family with you on your holidays

[Worriedandstressed]

Hi All
Thank you so much for all of your kind comments.

You've all made me feel so much better at the moment I don't think I mind if he goes away at all!

Thank you all again and I think I WILL show him some of these posts

[oab]

For me, 3 weeks of my husband travelling alone would be ok. More than that would be weird (for the reasons already mentioned, surely he should enjoy spending time with his family more!?).
But if he insists... I think it would be only fair for him to pay for some help/nanny/au pair to help you in his absence.
This doesn't address the reason why he is happy to be a away from you all for such a long time...but at least you will have help with the children.
Good luck!!

[Sugar'nSpice]

Hi,
What concerns me most and I must admit I havnt read all the posts but how very disconnected you sound as a couple. I think this is far greater issue than your husband merely wanting time out. I think everyone is giving you advice but glossing over the fact that there is a serious underlying problem here. This forum doesn't know anything about your day to day routine family life so how can a relative bunch of strangers advise you.
Are you close as a couple and as a family? I seriously think there are far greater issues at stake here and would advise that you seek professional help (counselling.)
I think his desire to take time out could be a catalyst for you both to look at your relationship and address the underlying issues.
This could be a really positive time for both of you.

[Daddy2015]

Everyone knows men and women are different. I can understand you being upset with the length of time he wants to travel for and that is certainly up for negotiation. Going for a month then, back for a month then going again may be a compromise? And if he is going away it is his responsibility to ensure you have all the support you need, so you do not need to manage a home and the children on your own. There is lots of research that having a break for 4 weeks + break from 'normal life' changes and improves the way people think and challenges negative automatic daily processes and decisions that people make. So you may even get a better, happier and supportive husband at the end of it? But who knows! I think it is about understanding and accepting your spouse's view on something, not using whatever tactic is suggested on social media to get him to do what you want. If you stop him doing this he will resent you. Just because you wouldn't choose to or are unable to do what he is suggesting, does not make it wrong. Personally, I couldn't leave my children for that length of time but I would love the opportunity to travel for a little while and would if I could (I can't). I think you need to accept and encourage him to do this (but negotiate the duration) so whilst he is away he actually misses you and appreciates having a supportive wife, rather than there being feelings of resentment on both sides.

[BigCat79]

I think you are right to feel concerned, and I can understand how this has quickly built up into the rage you talk about. However you will need to be careful how you tackle this so that you can all come out of this with the feeling of a great result, which is what this is. 6 months garden leave over summer - brilliant!

If possible, and I appreciate this is difficult, I would try to approach this with a calm and rational "I understand this is one of the few chances that we will have for a little freedom" and then suggest that perhaps he could take a shorter time away by himself to recharge, and then you could use the extra time so that you can all benefit in some way from it. i.e. the children will get to see more of Dad (maybe an extended family holiday - without the usual 2 week restrction?), the two of you could have some husband/wife time, and perhaps you could get away with some friends for a few days by yourself too. i.e. share some of the the good fortune out, rather than just save it for himself.

When he starts the new job, I imagine it will be quite demanding and these opportunities might not arise for a while again.

I think a calm approach is best, and leave him to come to the right decision by himself. You don't want to corner him and create resentment over this... if he is a good egg, I'm sure he will realise what is the right thing to do (might just need a gentle nudge).

Good luck - I really hope you can all enjoy what is undoubtedly a really great opportunity.

[toonarmy]

How about he goes for 5 or 6 weeks, then you all go together for 6 weeks over the summer and at some point during his gardening leave, you also go off on a few jaunts with girlfriends or alone for as long as you want up to six weeks max, maybe a one week jaunt then home for a week then another one week jaunt, just saying I don;t know how long you'd like to be away from the kids so it's up to you. But I think him being home from work is definitely a good chance for you to go away and let him do the childcare. Don't let it just be him who gets the break!

[GWcouns]

Whilst I admit I would feel really pretty alarmed if I was in your shoes I think this is a really complex situation.
Initially though I do agree with others who have questioned the length of time he wants to go for and perhaps thats where the bargaining ground could be.
I would ask myself the question - what will the impact and consequence to him and our marriage be if he does not go because I am upset over it? There is a chance he will feel claustrophobic and that he is being told what to do and this could plant the seed of long term resentment - I have seen this happen and destroy a marriage.
Sure, its an unusual situation, but marriages can survive far more than this. I would also be thinking "Do I really want him at home full time for 6 months!!"
There could be a risk of "be careful what you wish for" here.
Would it really be so great having him around 24/7 for 6 months, would it really be sharing chores, him pulling his weight etc. Is that realistic? Some time apart during a long stretch of time off for him could be a good thing.
And what about building in some down time for you too? Can you plan a week or 2 away with friends, or even alone, and leave hubby to look after the kids - then he'd really have an idea of what you do every day and also might help you feel a little balance is restored?
Its so easy for everyone to start shouting "men are such selfish b*****s" etc but where does that get you in your predicament? Yes, there is an unfairness to it - but I wonder how many of us women, if the roles were reversed and the natural order of things was that the home life fell to men to run and we went out to work 12-14 hours a day, carrying the pressure of knowing we have to bring home the bacon or our home, wife, children, will not be provided for - what if any of us was suddenly presented with this opportunity. I'll bet if you say it wouldn't cross your mind you're not being entirely honest.
Let him go - but negotiate the time-scale, negotiate some time off for yourself when he holds the fort at home, and maybe even try to go and meet him somewhere on your own for a few days if its possible for the kids to stay with friends or relatives. You can embrace this or fight it - which do you think in your gut will have the better outcome for you as a couple?

[Joe's Mum]

Wow, what a fabulous opportunity..... for ALL of you. It does appear that he is being a little greedy trying to take it all for himself.
So that you can all benefit how about a split along these lines:
He gets a month on his own travelling.
You get a month on your own travelling while he looks after the kids at home (could be a good chance for him to get to know them better and also to appreciate how much work that is too.)
A month with all of you on holiday together.
A month at home together.

[Biscuits]

What a horrible situation for you to be in. Please don't take this the wrong way - but will you miss him? If my husband suggested what your has I would be devastated because he is my soul mate and I love spending time with him. My initial reaction wouldn't be anger that I would have to work twice as hard on all the chores. Maybe it goes without saying that you will miss HIM - have you explained that to your husband?

[brihoney]

Wouldn't you want to go travelling in the same circumstances. But why not apply to home school the children for the last 6 weeks of term, and all go off together!

The children (unless they are GCSE age) will learn far more from travelling than they would at school, and you can find out what reading/maths they need to keep up with. The last 2 weeks of summer term is pretty much a right off anyway, so I think it would be great.

Turn a problem into a solution!

Or if you really don't want to take them out of school - why not share it, and you each go off for 3 weeks till the end of term (hence taking turns at being lone parents), then all go off together after that.