Husband wants to go on holiday on his own Post Reply

[piper_halliwell]

Congratulations! your post made it on The Wright Stuff (morning talk show on Channel 5) this morning!
As for your husband wanting a break... What he needs is a reality check! I agree with one of the previous posts... You should leave him with your kids for a week so he can get a feeling of what a stay-at-home parent is up against on daily basis. He should've thought of back packing in his early 20s when he was single... not when he is already married with two kids. I honestly think that it's irresponsible and slightly selfish to leave you and your kids for 4 months...
That's at least 10 years worth of therapy for your kids right there! "Where is Daddy, Mommy?" your kids ask. "He went off backpacking because he needed a break from us."... Obviously you won't tell them that but that's what it would look like... Refer your husband to me... I can have a chat with him!

[littlebabysmummy]

I'm going to try and think with my head rather than my heart to try and be calm for you. Let's face it most men, would LOVE the chance of going off on their own no kids no wife and it doesn't mean they don't love you or that they want to hook up elsewhere. Many of them would not admit it - I know if my husband had 6 months off he'd love to go off and do
Something on his own but for fear of my reaction he probably wouldn't say he would like to go off for that long. My husband is in a stressful job so I think I would agree to maybe a few weeks off but not more than that. Is husband stressed at work ? Does he work long hours ? I think you need to put yourself in his shoes and try and understand why he wants to go for that long. I'm
Not saying it's reasonable but sometimes they are more stressed than you think and gardening leave comes round only so many times in a lifetime. I also think men don't understand how hard it is for a stay at home mom. I recently had a baby and am up nights , trying to catch up on sleep when baby sleeps and he does say every now and then "oh but u sleep all day, don't you"?
Argh.
In summary I would agree to some time off but not months and months.

[Biscuits]

I think the fact that it has made national tv proves that this is not a normal request of a husband.

Is he close to a breakdown? That would seem like the only justification to me for a husband needing a time out like that.

I have re-read the posts and am saddened that the op is angry about the chores. I would be angry at the extra chores if it was a colleague going away for that long leaving me to do everything, but I can't help feeling that some emotions are missing here - try to remember why you both got together in the first place - are those feelings still there?

Yes, he may have worked hard, but it was his choice to chase the money like that - and at what cost?

When the kids are at college there will be plenty of time to go travelling together.

[mgb]

And has garnered 254 comments on The Wright Stuff's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/officialwright ... 3389260422

[atbattersea]

The key to this is compromise. Let him know that you think four months is excessive, but tell him that two months is fine.

Oh, but BTW, you want two months off too, so that you can go off visiting friends and relations around the world.

[NYE31]

I would be apoplectic if my husband suggested this, I'd love 6 months "off" but not when I have a husband, 3 year old & another baby on the way although I do work full time & have done so since I graduated!! bar 6 months maternity leave after our DS was born.

Compromise is the best way forward, what about an extended holiday for ALL of you, somewhere & something that you wouldn't usually be able to do in a 2 week window?

Keep us posted & sending you a virtual hug

Good luck in whatever you decide x

[vendredimanche]

What an interesting post.

It clearly touches everyone: stay at home mums, working mums – but also dads!

Like many others on this thread, I too have mentioned it my other half. I guess it's almost like we have to test our men on this issue! As I expected, my husband's instant reaction was one of shock – for a start he would miss the kids (and me!) dreadfully. A week away to do a residential course or focus on a hobby would be welcome – but no more.

Like others have already said, the best solution would be travelling with the whole family for the entire summer whilst your eldest is off school (and perhaps buying a few weeks extra at the end of term?). Friends of ours did a round-the-world trip with 2 young kids for 6 months whilst dad was on sabbatical. They had such an amazing time - and had two more children since – so clearly travelling together is good for one's marriage!

Which brings me to an awkward conclusion. It seems so wrong that your husband wants to go away on his own – not just getting away from work and the London stress (which I get completely!), but also from you and the children. Here the emphasis is on the "wants" – of course there are many jobs (army, construction, etc.) that will take a father away from their children and spouse for long periods of time – but these are situations dictated by economic and other circumstances – not by the father's choice to abdicate his responsibilities and become a Skype dad/ husband for 4 months.

I worry that his suggestion is the symptom of a much more serious issue about his commitment to the marriage. This post's popularity (not least being picked up by national TV) gives this very private issue a huge amount of exposure. I hope you are ok with this. But at least please take heart in hearing the many women and men supporting your corner!

[Minatoku]

I will definitely let him go and I understand his point of view even though I am a woman. It is probably a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity and this is probably how he sees it. In exchange you can also do a lot of WE on your own or with your friends when he comes back.
I agree that it can be a bit selfish but this is how men are.
In fact, when my husband was on garden leave a few years ago and even though I had a busy full time job and 2 young children to look after, I was the one to suggest him to travel to Asia. He was surprised by the offer and went, had the best time and was delighted to come back. He did not go for 4 months though but 4 weeks.
Good luck with your decision !

[dodgypinz]

I think maybe I am going to be a bit of a voice in the wilderness. I don't see this as "letting" him go. To me it is a given that couples always try to support and facilitate each other to achieve their dreams. If this is important to him I feel you need to sit down and find ways to make it possible for you both . Certainly a nanny and domestic help to support you with the practicalities. Maybe a friend or relative to stay with you part of the time. Plan some lovely holidays for you and the children (with nanny and or friend/s), maybe to places and activities you wouldn't suggest with your husband.
Remember there is Skype so the children will be able to keep in touch.
One thought is if you and his secretary insulate him from the practicalities of life ( I smiled when I read your description of him jumping into the cab with his bag packed by you etc!); then having to plan his travel and pack his own backpack may be an eye opener for him.
If you can see this as a new experience for you both, and not in a spirit of tit for tat, but ensure you plan to fulfil some of your desires too.
My other suggestion is to plan some time together without the children and to do some kind of couples counselling to ensure you are both content with the way your life together is going. I have been married a long time and had a big family and worked too so am well aware of how easy it is to take one another for granted/make assumptions about what the other is thinking or feeling. Over the years we have had 2 bouts of couples counselling and benefitted enormously from both. My husband was very reluctant the first time but we learned so much he was very happy with the outcome. I know we are a stronger couple as a result.
I do hope you can find a way to see this as a positive for you both.

[Minatoku]

I am surprised by the amount of people suggesting counselling.
Is that so strange to wish to travel on your own ? Does that automatically means the marriage is having problems ?

[Whistler]

Thought I'd reply to your post as some of my friends have told me about it this week!

About four years ago, my husband told me that he wanted to go away for a few weeks and drive across India. My children were 7, 5 and 3 at the time. I said "no".

Having not realised it at the time, this has now come back to haunt me. I hadn't realised his "need" to have space and how important it was for him to have some "time out". We are now getting divorced.

He constantly throws my decision to not let him have "space" back in my face and sites it as one reason, albeit random in my opinion, that we are now separated.

I guess the moral of this story is, therefore, that perhaps a compromise can be made and don't be too hasty to say no. My (now ex) husband has recently told my children that he now intends to travel the world for six months in the near future... Mid life crisis or not, it's definitely worth being "open minded" at this stage rather than denying him the chance to go.

[clareHip]

Wow! I'm rarely left speechless but that just about caps it! Sorry, you must now be sick of reading that your husbands a complete Ar*e, but there you have it! Not sure I can add anything more than has been said already except to verify that you are completely justified in feeling outraged. As someone has said already, he may have 6 months off work but he doesnt get to have 6 months off being a father. I wonder how he might feel if you declared that you wanted six months off? Clearly you need a week away as he looks after the kids ON HIS OWN, so that he understands what a hard slog it is!
Having said all of that, it is wonderful when your partner recognises your needs and is considerate to them. Perhaps he does feel burnt out and needs some space for reflection - so let him have it - for a couple of weeks - and then go and join him 'en famille' and have the trip of a lifetime. One that your children will remember for ever.... and what a great Dad they had (they know Mum is already!)

[2x2]

What about he goes off for two month and then you go off for two.
It would be an idea for you to go first so after about a week he would most certainly cAll you begging to come back and therefore would not be able to go for his two months

[jamesandsons]

If it was to climb Anapurna or row the Atlantic, but "travelling", how juvenile... bet you can't wait 'til he comes back describing everything as "Awesome!"
Hope he grows up, and realises that his family is his life, and the best bit too.
Good luck,

[Harbut]

Did the guy in question bugger off solo in the end?