SAHM? Post Reply

[SAHM?]

Hi All
I read the post about the husband wanting to go travelling on his own and its made me want to ask a related question of my own.

I've been married for four years and we have a very young daughter. We hope she'll have a brother or a sister soon.

My husband is a lawyer and is doing well. He's not yet a partner but believes its a possibility.

He's just dropped the "I don't think you should go back to work" statement and I'm really confused.

On the one hand the amount of money he claims this could mean seems mind blowing compared to my world (comms) and he certainly seems to enjoy his work. On the other he reckons the only way he can do it is if he withdraws from all the day-to-day stuff and focuses on his career. When pushed it seems, and this is what rang a bell with the other poster, that I'd do everything and we'd have some time at weekends.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment.

I enjoy my work but I don't love it in a vocation way so giving it up isn't some huge hardship. It was more the social side I found fun and that has mostly stopped due to DD anyway. What I worry about more is the dependency this would seem to create and does it change the dynamics in the realtionship? I cant' imagine that it doesnt!

Would love to hear from lawyers, people married to lawyers and anyone else if you've managed to make this sort of situation work

tks

SAHM?

[Roo]

Would it be possible to work part time and then get some help about the house and with your little one?

In many ways (and by the sounds of it - your case) going back to work isn't always just about the money... it's also the social, self-esteem, motivation, good for child and good for the husband-wife dynamic too I think. It's a bit unfair of him to say 'you shouldn't go back to work' without asking what you want and considering how you may feel, there's enough pressure on Stay-at Home or working mums as it is!

I went back to work after 11 months and I think made me an (even better ) mum and wife i.e happy being having my own life outside of the home as well as being a mummy. My husband works long hours and isn't home in time for bedtimes etc but with a bit of help it's possible to do it all (/most of it) and not feel begrudgingly about it.

[SAHM?]

It's a good idea.

A part of me does wonder if it's a macho culture at work where he wants to be able to say that his wife doesn't work any more. The law firm culture is so alien to me I don't know if thats what gives people status of it I'm reading too much into it

[Roo]

But the primary focus has got to be about what makes you happy and functional as a family and couple though..
He can say what he wants at work but perhaps reading too much into that? Surely high powered men married to working independent women should proud of that at work and elsewhere - law firms are not that archaic as to believe a woman's place must only be in the home!

[2009Kat]

Law firms can be pretty awful.....I work for one and my husband is a lawyer. I assume your chap works for a city firm? The run up to partnership can be brutal (working all hours, weekends, wrecked holidays, no guarantee he will actually make it no matter what he has been told.....) so he is not wrong in that he will have little time to attend to home matters. I basically do everything domestically in our house because I have more time (although I work, I made a choice to take a side step after kids so can get home every day ).

Frankly though I work because I like working for all the reasons a PP stated. Also I am not about to give my career up now for my husband. To be fair to him he is very supportive of my working and is helpful when he can. And we are lucky enough to be able to afford flexible childcare (a nanny), babysitters, cleaner etc.

Obviously it is up to you what you do! Being a SAHM mum is a wonderful thing if it is what suits you. But one thought - if you go back to work and hate it then at least you'll have tried and can leave. It is not always about having enough money not to work.

[SAHM?]

Thank you, that was very interesting feedback...

[LostInSW12]

Hello! As the wife of a lawyer, and also a mother - I don't think there is a culture that makes it undesirable for a wife of a lawyer to not work. I've been back at work part-time since my daughter was ten months old, and my husband has been made partner in this time - my working was certainly not a hinderance to this, although it meant that the organisation of the childcare was up to me. Of course, the crunch-factor is whether you want to work, and thats an entirely individual choice. For me, working part-time makes me feel more fulfilled in every area of my life - appreciating my home and family more, and giving me a greater sense of intellectual challenge and a much-needed social aspect. Plus as the poster above says - you can go back and then leave if you don't like it - which would at least be another position on your CV and make a potential later re-entry to the jobs market perhaps easier?

[workingmuminthecity]

Another interesting thread in perspective!
I am a local mum and a partner in a large city firm, my husband (not a lawyer) also works full time.
First I wanted to clear out the culture issue. There is not any problem with having a working wife (or husband!) as a senior associate, counsel or partner in a law firm. If anything I find that my male counterparts whose wives do not work are often quite apologetic about it and will launch straight away into their wife's charitable, educational or other worthy work.
As for the question of being a SAHM or working, it is a inevitably a very personal choice (assuming money is not an issue of course, but that is the case in your situation).
I took a long mat leave (over a year). Whilst I cherished the time with my little one, I resented all the admin/ chores suddenly falling on my shoulders whereas my husband and I had shared things equally to date. Why should I be the one picking up dry cleaning, getting a new resident permit, booking all holidays, supervising the house refurb, and so on? We had both pulled our weight in a very equal way before having children, and I wanted to get back to that situation. And we did once I was back at work!
As parents both in FT employment, we are of course heavily reliant on nannies/ grandparents etc. But my husband is as involved as me when it comes to school drop offs, bedtimes and weekends. Inevitably, there are times when one of us has to focus completely on work (big deadlines/ travel) and not much else can interfere but with a well managed diary and organised childcare, it is possible.
I am not advocating working FT (my dream job would be 4 days actually!) but the message I wanted to convey is about equality and dependency.
I was really shocked when one of the SAHMs at school joked that her husband referred to her as the "cost centre" (i.e. generating cost but no revenue...). She seemed to find it funny but even if it is a joke, it's a pretty sexist one in my books…
Right – enough ranting, and I'd better get back to work...

[SAHM?]

Thank you again, another great perspective, thank you

[2009Kat]

Just to add that I completely agree that there is no culture of lawyers wanting wives (or husbands!) to stay at home.

[newmum2015]

Hi, my husband is a lawyer and until recently so was I. There are plenty of women in law and I agree that there is no culture of husbands not wanting their wives to work. However, being a partner is stressful and hard work and I can see your husband's concern that he will have less time for non-work commitments.
I believe giving up your job and not earning money yourself (even though you do all the housework and childcare) will change the dynamic of your relationship but you may still be happy or even happier. You have to see what works for you. Good luck

[sparkletiger]

My husband isn't a lawyer, but since having children he has set up his own company. I am a SAHM. it means that he is away a lot at the moment and it means that typically my role is to deal with everything home related. The main thing though is that this was all a joint decision. It is our company. I am a Director though he does almost all the work. While it can be hard at times and we miss him massively when he is away, we are in this together. I am more than happy being a mummy. I had planned to return to work but when it came to it I didn't want to. I wanted to be with my daughter. I did not want anyone else having the joy of spending their time with her and I knew that these early few years would never return. So we looked for ways that I could be at home. And we have made it work. We have a 7 and 4 year old now and I in no way feel inferior or indebted to my husband because he earns the money. It is our money as a family.

If you feel that you want to be a SAHM then its great your husband is earning enough to support all of you. I honestly can't imagine returning to a 9-5 job, well actually my pre mum hours were longer than that. I guess it all depends on how you see it and how you feel about your role. good luck with deciding which adventure to take.

[Earlsfieldite]

I think that in some law firms, there is a culture of expectation that a person can and will work long hours because the other half (usually wife) will pick up kids, run the household etc. I'm sure it's not like that in all firms but it definitely was in mine. For example I never once got asked if it was a problem to stay late despite having a young child. There is a reason why there is a big gender imbalance at the top of most law firms! To reach partnership I think you generally do have to make sacrifices and I can see how having a SAHM wife could help your husband.

Turning back to your problem, I'd second what was said about just trying a return to work. I was dreading it but as soon as I went back I felt properly like me again and wouldn't consider not working now. That's not to say that you would be happier working at all but might be worth doing a proper comparison so that you can make an informed decision without regrets. I think it's hard to properly weigh up when you haven't tried working with a little one with the pros and cons that has. Another factor is that, depending on what you do, it can be quite hard to get back into the job market particularly in a part time role which your current employer might offer because they know you.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think the key is to be happy in your decision.

[moosynonie]

You might enjoy reading Penelope Trunk who has a lot to say about all of this: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/2 ... ould-mine/

[galpod]

Just wanted to put in my two cents. I'm a PhD student, so both working AND not getting paid however, my hours are flexible and so the lion share of the housework and childcare does fall onto me. I wonder what is the reason behind your husband's wish for you to stay at home. If it's administrative support that he's looking for (i.e., not to have to do the dishes or whatever), then it is possible for you to work and for him to not do any childcare/housework stuff, although you would have to get help because there are only 24 hours a day. If he's after a non-working wife because of the status he thinks it will give him (doesn't really matter if this is the case objectively; if he thinks it is that's a reason)--I'd say you have a different problem. The first problem is tactic, and really can be dealt with given a bit of planning and support. The second problem is bigger, in my opinion, and I think that if you two want different things from your marriage then you should talk about it openly (maybe with the support of a marriage therapist, if things get rough), because if one of you is unhappy that's where the trouble begin. Still, another thing to consider is what having an uninvolved father would mean for your family (I'm not saying it's good or bad, it's a personal choice, but both of you would have to consider this aspect too).
Hope this helps... good luck!