Sexual photos Post Reply

[Giggles]

I have just found lots of sexual photos, taken by my partner and sent to a few women via email.
I'm in shock.
I confronted him and he said it was all my fault and I have been pre occupied by our baby.
I am devastated. I have asked him to leave.
Just looking for advice on wether a relationship can withstand this or not?
My immediate reaction was no way, but I also feel so sorry for our children, especially our baby who adores him.
He has been so unkind, bling my weight gain and no giving him enough attention.
My poor eldest heard him screaming at me and is very shaken up.
Has anyone gone through this? Dos you stay together or split up? This is actually the 3rd time I have caught him sending photos and texting other women.

[NorthcoteLuvvie]

Hi
I am so sorry to hear this. There have been a few posts along these lines recently and sometimes I wonder if the posts are genuine but in your case I have very little doubt as you're not new to this site.

Im my experience there are two motivations/situtions:

1. a man who has strayed because he's feeling a bit neglected but deep down both of you want the relationship to work even if it's broken right now.

2. a serial philanderer who is only upset at being caught, not at the act itself.

you have to ask yourself who are you married to? Is it Number 1 in which case it can always be fixed, it takes therapy and forgiveness and effort but it absolutely can be mended.

Number 2 can never be fixed.

Hope that helps and good luck

[Giggles]

Thank you for your reply. You are right, but what I don't know is 'how do you know?' I have felt our relationship has been loveless for a while. We never do anything together as a couple anymore and he is very unaffectionate. To the point where I told him earlier this year if he didn't start making an effort we couldn't stay together. he literally can go a whole year without even giving me a hug or kiss. Not even when i had our baby. I feel he has emotionally left the relationship years ago but has stayed for an easy life. I do everything for him. I even own the house we live in.
I'm just slightly terrified of being a single mother. I don't want to stay together for all the wrong reasons but the thought of bringing up my kids alone is so depressing. Eating dinner on my own, dealing with the children every night on my own. It's such a scary thought. And that my kids won't have him come home everyday after work is devastating. I'm frightened of having to deal with everyday situations by myself.

[curly]

If you want to save your marriage then you both need to be honest about how you feel and take responsibility of getting your marriage back on track. Sometimes that is easier to do through couples counselling as there is someone asking the right questions. They can manage the communication too, which sometimes helps.

it sounds like there have been issues for a while which have been swept under the carpet.

Don't be afraid of being a single mum, if that is the route you might go. i am a single mum and sometimes it is easier as you don't always have to negotiate what to do and when. You can just get on with things. Your husband will always be a part of your lives though as he is their father so communication is key.

Good luck, don't make any rash decisions and if I were you, I would seek help.

x

[windmill26]

I think you already know the answer but you don't want to accept it. Looks like he is staying because he has an easy life (as you said) and you have accepted his behavior so far because you don't want to be alone.I don't think you should stay together if the love,trust and respect is not there anymore.It is not the first time your husband has done this...how many more chances are you willing to give him?

[Jen66]

So he belittles you about your appearance.

Shouts and frightens your children.

Is adulterous and a sexual deviant.

sounds a catch

[NoodleFan]

I think you have to think of your children here. It doesn't sound a healthy environment for them. Children mimic behaviour and I would be very concerned that they could begin to think that belittling someone is normal.
It also sounds like you are doing most of the hard work anyway.

Best of luck X

[Scottov]

This sounds a very unfortunate situation, but I'd be wary of taking advice from strangers. This is a very personal matter.

[windowboxes65]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear your having to deal with your deceiving husband while having a infant and other children.

My marriage has not been easy for different reason, and everyone has their tipping point, reason for forgiveness, and reasons to depart.

You haven't got to where you are because your uneducated.
Your husband has made selfish, hurtful choices. Which will effect you and your children. However you are in control of your dreams, your life, your children lives and happiness. Don't let your fears determine your life choices which have been put onto your by Mr.xxx.
I believe you know you should of left him a year or so ago, and there were many good reasons why you didn't. You will be able to find excuses why it's not a good reason again. Though I feel admitting your why you haven't in the past (afraid of being a single mum) is the first step of taking control of your and your children lives.

Being a single mum is not to be afraid. It's to be strong, determined, selfless, controlled, happy. As for being 'single' you will find someone who will love adore you, RESPECT you, make you laugh, smile, and cherish your children.

It's now time to find that inner strength, use your support net work- family, friends, community help.

Best of luck x

[Victoria C]

I am sorry you're having to deal with this and I also think you have had some good answers on the thread.
This isn't about "taking strangers' advice", it's about clarifying your own thoughts on the issue. I imagine that if you're honest with yourself, you know what path to follow but "looking into the abyss can be a scary thing".
It strikes me that if he actually cared for you rather than about himself, then he might have shown some remorse and want to find a way with you to heal the problems (for lack of better language, sorry). But having questioned him about the photos, he then gets angry at you and blames you?!
Let's try and look at it from a new angle. The man you married wants a wife and mother to his his children but wants his sexual kicks elsewhere. This isn't about right or wrong any anyone else passing a judgement, simply are you happy with those roles for yourself and him? Or do you want a different reality for yourself?
Another thought… if your children or your best friend or your sister came to you with this situation, what would you say to them?
Be strong, and whatever you do, this forum will always be here as an outlet for your feelings.

[Sheds]

Dear Giggles

My heart goes out to you. A challenging time for you.

NO-ONE else KNOWS what is going on for you and your husband, the advise people give is with good intent, yet more a reflection of what they 'believe' they would do in your situation which is probably nowhere near what they would actually do.

If you look up STACEY MARTINO on the internet you will begin to understand that ANY situation can be resolved, and it only takes ONE to turn it around. It involves hard work and delving deep into the causes of the upset but without this being addressed and sorted, the same issues will keep bubbling up in future relationships. It is worth it for you, your children and your husband to do the work now, so you can all move forward into happier and healthier lives however they may play out.

Please feel free to reach out to me privately if you want to have a true supporter working to save your marriage.

I can help you find 'Giggles' again!

[sabrina jevtic]

A reply for Scottov...this is no longer a private matter since the day he's been emailing strangers in a way more personal way. This isn't taking advice, she is just exploring her options, and people are sharing their experiences to help her understand all her possible ways of dealing with this.

A reply for giggles, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know some great books that can take you through this, and counselling/Coaching, with or without him is a must. This is a big thing to have to deal with, and even if you choose to leave him, you need to confront all the emotions and feelings to make sure you don't go wounded in your next relationship. You sound like a wonderful mother, but don't stay with him because of the babies, they will pick up on your unhappiness, and that would be just as bad.

Good luck dear, please be in touch if you need any further support.

God doesn't give you anything you can't handle

Sabrina

[Ran'smummy]

I too was afraid of being a single mum, I shouldn't have been. Its hard work, exhausting and for a year or so you may question it, but you will adapt, cope and have a very much happier lifestyle than staying in a loveless relationship. Please don't be afraid to ask friends to help. Good Luck xx

[James27]

its a bit of a tricky situation. I think there is a tenedency to over-analyse the "why". In my experience men (of which i am a member) are invariably uncomplicated when it comes to such things. He doesnt feel great about something and is hunting for someone to make him feel like a million dollars. Invariably that comes from (a) work (b) his mates or (c) other women. If (a) isnt going so well, and he's under constant pressure not to do (b), then...

If you want to make it work, telling him he's being an idiot isnt going to help. He knows he is but feels what he is doing is justified because of hiw he is feeling. Telling him will make him get defensive, feel cornered, and he'll say horrible things back which he probably doesnt mean. Then you'll threaten to take his kids away and he'll hate you forever. Nor will he be over enthusistic about seeing a counsellor to talk about his feelings because he might end up telling the truth about how he's feeling which, in his mind, will be worse than a relationship implosion (dont ask me why, men just think like that).

In your position i'd probably arrange to see someone eg Relate. But pitch is as something to help you, not him, and make clear it is that or your marriage. You might just find that despite his cynicism, he attends with the intention of pointing out everyone else's faults only to discover that the common denominator in all his woes is him. If he refuses, well, I'm guessing you have your answer.

Keep your chin up.

J

[Sheds]

Couldn't agree more James27, I have recently been exploring and beginning to understand the actual differences between men and women. It is extremely helpful for women to hear from men, such as yourself, just how differently you think and behave in given situations. These are NOT excuses, they are REASONS, we are wired up differently and understanding this goes a long way towards healing and moving forwards….