Postby CheekychappieMum » Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:17 pm
I agree with the comments above and would like to add the following as I have researched the motivation behind tantruming and solutions at length (out of desperation!!).
As mentioned tantrums are the child's way of communicating either discomfort in the situation or also lack of attention. You can explain (when he is calm) that sometimes he sees his friends (ask HIM to mention names, occasions etc) and in the same way as he likes to play with them you also have your friends (ask him to mention names) that you like to talk to and so if he wants to sit on your lap or stay close to you that's fine but he must be quiet so you can hear what your friends are saying, in the same way as you do for him on his playdates. While he's sitting on your lap ...after 5 seconds ie before he plays up and becomes noisy....immediately praise him for being so quiet so that you can hear your friends talk and how much you are enjoying being close to him. That way he remains reassured and connected to you while you are actually doing something else.
A comment about distraction to dispel tantrums - we all do this and it's definitely better than shouting BUT it doesn't address the underlying reason as to why your child is playing up so it won't solve the situation long term. If you actually pick your child up and give him a hug, as previously suggested by another member, that connection with your child will diffuse his need to attract your attention with negative behaviour. His need to play up reduces because he will realise that his underlying need to be close to you is being met. Imagine you have had a really challenging day and you want to offload with your husband and he says "don't worry, you've got a spa day booked next week I'm sure you'll feel better after that". That lack of empathy will frustrate you further in the long term. What you want is for him to give you a hug and offer a solution.
The best advice I've had about kids' behaviour is DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Your child is feeling uncomfortable (or is hungry, tired, over or understimulated) and has no way of regulating his emotions yet but he feels them very very strongly (hence the explosive tantrums) which upsets him so re-connecting with him physically and with words will reassure him that his needs will be met soon or are being met now. Soon he will learn that when he's feeling upset you will reassure him so he wont tantrum in such a spectacular fashion.
The second bit of advice about parenting that I've found useful is COACH NOT COP. When a child is playing up we should ask ourselves if we have been trying to control and/or force our child (ie enforce which shoes to put on, come away from playground etc) instead of offering them some closed choices and therefore some independence eg "would you like to put on your blue shoes or brown ones?" I realise that I have all too often tried to force my wishes onto my children "because I say so" and that has a very negative twofold effect:
1) It doesn't foster a good relationship so my child is less likely to cooperate in the future
2) It doesn't foster self reliance or independence.
The fastest route to a happier cooperative child is one that is more emotionally attached to you. So spending 10 mins every 2 days (if you can't do more) playing with your child ON THEIR TERMS eg horseplay on the floor, drawing what they want together, looking at books etc. Lying in their bed at bedtime and chatting. This is where you establish long lasting emotional connection with your child who will then be more inclined to please you. Taking your child to classes, the park is great but does not constitute emotion connection time.
If you want to read any more on what I've mentioned I recommend:
Dr Laura Markham - Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids. (How to stop yelling and start connecting) It will change your mindset from "why on earth is he doing this to me now???" to "what are his needs right now? How can I meet them?" and by you modelling self control you are teaching him how to regulate his emotions at the same time.
Ps in order to be able to post this reply I have had to connect with my toddler who was playing up due to lack of my attention in the following way: chasing round the sofa game, pretending to chop her up with her baby knife and fork and eat her and sending her on make believe shopping errands with dolly and the pram to another room. Before I read the book above I would have got just got cross and yelled. She is now perfectly happily amusing herself - that's the difference. I wish I'd adopted that approach earlier.
