Tantrums - Please help I am desperate Post Reply

[jemima123]

I don't know what to do.... I am at my wits end. My 3 year old son wont behave whenever we meet up with people / parties. He has total meltdowns and starts trying to bite me. What do I do.... I cant just say no to everything however he is such a liability....

[MummyWalker]

I have no qualifications for giving advice other than having a three year old myself but here are my thoughts...

I take the view that when small children act up they're trying to tell us something. In your son's case, presumably his underlying message is "I don't want to be in this situation". The question is then, why doesn't he want to be there. You've probably already done this but if it was me, I would try talking to him after the event (when he's calmed down) to ask him why he behaved like he did, was something bothering him, was there anything you could have done to make him feel better etc. I'd let him know that it's ok to feel uncomfortable in a particular situation but that it's not ok to deal with it by biting etc (i.e. be accepting of the underlying feelings but not the resulting actions). In advance of similar future events I'd spend some time talking with him about where we were going, who would be there etc and then ask if there was anything he was worried about. I'd also remind him that if anything happened to make him feel uncomfortable, he should come and let me know and we'd have a cuddle or go outside for a few minutes or whatever. Finally, I'd try and keep an eye out for something in particular triggering the behaviour (i.e. What happened shortly before the tantrum started) to see if I could spot a pattern.

Whilst I've not had specifically the same issue with my 3 year old, she does often find large groups overwhelming and in particular, she doesn't like adults trying to kiss / hug her (unless she knows them really well and even then it needs to be initiated by her). We've had a couple of small meltdowns when saying hello / goodbye at social events so I now make sure I pick her up before we enter / leave a room full of people and if anyone looks like they're about to make a move to hug or kiss her, she's comfortable turning away from them into me (which puts the message across to them) and I then suggest she gives them a wave or a high-5 instead.

Good luck - I hope things improve for you and him soon.

[Wandsworth1]

Just a thought...
Is his hearing ok? Quite common for toddlers with glue ear to behave badly in social situations because they can't hear properly.
Might be worth getting it checked if you think it could be a problem.

Otherwise MummyWalker is right - try analysing which situations are upsetting him and try talking to him about it.....

Lots of luck!

[lemonzest]

I agree with petal that I find it really useful to tell my children what is coming up next, even the one who is now 5. I still 'count down' from eg leaving somewhere, especially somewhere they're having fun ('we're leaving in 5 mins... 2mins... time to get shoes on')

Anyway, thought I'd mention that I'm going to go along to a parenting course that is running at St Mark's up on Battersea Rise from 12 October. I wanted to go when my eldest was 3, but I was just about to pop with number 2 so had to wait!

There are six sessions, and from the tasters that I've been to in the past it will be very relaxed with a great meal! It's not a religious course, but will be very practical! Have a look at http://www.smbr.org.uk/ParentingChildren and this is the lady to contact for more info: kateryn.florez@smbr.org.uk

[2009Kat]

Agree with the above. Your poor little boy, he must be finding it stressful. My son used to do similar - we worked out that he was anxious and didn't always understand what we were doing/where we were going. In our case, Explaining helps,as does taking some comfort toys. Also when we get somewhere, I can't be the parent whose children run off and play together beautifully while the grown ups gossip, he needs of a parent nearby until he has got used to where he is etc. good luck - am sure his behaviour will improve with age and understanding, my sons definitely has.

[Batterseamummy]

Agree with above. I find reasoning and talking so much better for both of us than telling off, especially at that young age. Tantrums are also a way of them communicating as they're too young to recognise and put into words how they're feeling. Don't worry, you're not the only one by any means!