work stress / home stress Post Reply

[stressed]

I am feeling so torn between work and home right now as I have to give my all to both and I feel like I am going to pop. I panic every day that I won't make the nursery pickup in time, not to mention the guilt of only seeing my 2 yo for less than an hour some days.
How do the rest of you working mothers do it?

[Reb]

None of us are coping any better than you are. It's really hard, and at times overwhelming.
My kids are 4 and 2 and other mums do assure me it does ease up when they get a bit older.
Try and let a few things go?
And it's not just us women, there are men out there who also feel like they are being tugged in all directions, and if they are too focused on work then the family life is compromised and vice versa. Talk to your partner about it.
Relish the moments that you do spend together as a family and appreciate them. If you have a particularly stressful career then maybe it's time to step back and do something less full on? Or accept that's your chosen career and get a bit more help at home if you can afford to? The childcare is expensive and intense while they're young but it does reduce over time.
There's no secret formula, almost all my conversations with my female friends are about this issue! Try not to get bogged down by it, it's hard but rewarding to be a working mum.
In extreme cases there's always chocolate...
I'm sure youre doing a great job and you're the best mum your toddler could wish for.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better

[mumof2pluspup]

I second the previous reply.

Every working mum I know feels exactly the same. I don't think I'll ever feel any differently. I will always feel torn between my amazing kids and the career that I have built for myself. Recently it all got too much so I'm taking some time out to be with my kids but I know I'll go back to work some day as I worked too hard for my career to let it slide away. Plus I want the best that my money can buy for my kids in terms of education and travel and I need to work to provide that.

I don't want to sound glum but I have spent every day for the past 6 years battling with exactly the same issues as you and have discussed it over and over with friends in the same boat and I simply don't think there's a solution! I (and probably you) will always feel torn!

Sorry not to be more helpful, I just wanted you to know that you're not on your own, you're not failing in any way, and you're not surround by superwomen who have it all figured out whilst you are struggling!

Take care x

[stressed]

Thank you to all of you. I know I am not alone in this but some people make it all look so easy!
My problem is that in my job I cannot leave early, do flexi-hours- it is all or nothing so it has to be all, which often leaves the nothing for my family.
I just don't like the constant feeling that I am about to go pop trying to be everything to everyone.
At least it is Friday though

[Endrick]

I really feel for you! It's such a tough one and I'm not sure I know anyone who believes they have the right balance. I agree with lots of what the previous posters have said, and having tried a whole combination of options since having children 8 years ago (full-time/part-time/working from home/career breaks/not working at all!), it's true that there is no perfect answer: I always feel torn one way or another and to go bed most nights feeling guilty or stressed about something!

I agree with Petal that little changes can have a huge impact. I have definitely learned to let the little (and big ) things slide. One thing that made a vast difference to us once I had my second child was hiring an amazing nanny who kept the home fires burning when I wasn't around- my hours aren't compatible with a nursery so that wasn't an option for us. I appreciate that financially, not everyone has the luxury of opting for a nanny over a nursery though.

I also think the world of work has changed massively in the last few years and in some industries (even the dinosaurs of law, banking and finance!) a degree of flexibility is gradually beginning to emerge....hopefully one day your employer might be able to accommodate a small change which makes your life easier.

Good luck- and know that you are not alone. And indeed, it is Friday and the sun is shining!

[darlingmummy]

as the other posters said it is not easy to balance work/home lives.
but maybe a few changes can help you and give you more free time, like for example buying your groceries online so you don't have to traipse around the supermarket at the weekend.
asking your husband to cook a couple of meals a week, or having a take-away on a Friday night so you can get home and relax with your child.
also I find a few drops of Rescue Remedy always help when I feel things are getting on top of me!!
good luck and seriously you are not the only one.

[workingmuminthecity]

Yes the scales will always be tipping one way or the other…
I certainly do not have the perfect answers (or balance...), but here are a few tips which I picked up along the way:
- make your life as easy as you can: online shopping with evening delivery slots, readymade meals (Cook is great!) - buying clothes that need little to no ironing!!
- try to let go of certain things and try not to feel guilty about them. A practical example: I used to rush home after work to give a bath to my baby – it ended up being such stressful times with me still in my work suit and my little one being too tired to enjoy bathtime ... we had many tears on both sides. I then gave this up and asked my nanny to give the bath. By the time I got home from work my baby was calm and content, smelling gorgeous, in PJs waiting for the special story time with Mum. And you know what – we all felt a lot happier about it. So I have learnt to delegate certain things and to accept that I can't do everything. Now that my children are of school age, it's the same with baking cakes for the school sale for example – do I have time to do it? No – so my nanny does it.
- good flexible childcare is key. As was already mentioned, a nursery with set closing times is pretty tough for a working Mum with inflexible hours. I would definitely recommend a nanny if you can afford one, or at least having a back-up solution (local babysitter?) to cover you for a few hours if you have to stay late at work.
- rely on your other half – it should not be just you running to get to nursery – you should both share the stress and challenges of being working parents.
- I know you said your job is all or nothing – but if there is a chance of exploring remote working from home every so often, grasp it! Without the added stress of a commute, you will be that much more efficient on those days. Conversely could you stay late every so often (with your other half covering) so you can feel more on top of matters at work?
- keep a list of all the reasons you work and what you enjoy about your work.
- I expect the last thing you want is to add another activity to your hectic schedule, but seeing a career coach once/ month can help taking stock of your priorities and feeling more satisfied in your work.

Good luck – hang in there!!

[sw11_]

I have to agree with a previous poster - getting a nanny was life changing. We found nursery very difficult to fit in around two busy jobs, plus lots of guilt when smuggling in a slightly poorly child after a large dose of calpol most days! Getting a nanny took away all that guilt - no rushing them out of the house in the morning, no worries if they were poorly - they could chill at home all day, and tea and bath time done when we get home from work so we get to do pure snuggle time when we get in. It won't fix everything but for us it made a massive difference. Good luck!

[mummy in cj]

I agree with workinmuminthe city. I have a full on job and 2 kids aged 5 and 3. Here are my tips:
- Hire a nanny - and one that is prepared to help run the house. Our nanny does laundry, tidies up, does the shopping, makes sure the cakes are baked for school and the name tags are sewed on. We also have a cleaner. This means when I'm not working I can focus on the kids and not on chores. This is even more important when they are at school as there is homework and reading every night with them (but they also stay up later so there is more time after work).
- Pick work up again when they are in bed if need be so you can spend time together in the evenings.
- Try to draft in help. Granny? Babysitter? Fellow mum?
- Split stuff with your partner so you take it in turns to work late if need be.
- Embrace online shopping! Perfect birthday presents etc can be bought when the kids are in bed.
- I have been able to finish work early on Fridays to do school / nursery pick up and play dates, and then I work on Saturday mornings when the kids are swimming (but then I'm the boss so can choose my hours).

Good Luck! Personally I think it is worth persevering and not throwing in the towel!

[BFW]

I hear you !! you are not alone...

Echo pretty much what all the posters above say.

Online shopping for EVERYTHING. I get delivered it to work so that if if doesn't fit / its not right, I can return it straight away without having to go to the post office. Amazon Prime - a must. I use it to buy all birthday presents!

And lots of lists - I send myself lists at work every Sunday night and in my lunch break I blitz everything.

I bought a Vespa which has also revulotionised my life. I now know it will take me 30 minutes to get to work and I don't have to rely on tube / trains. But that depends on how confident you would feel about commuting on a scooter.

Lastly - I don't know if your company do this. But I bought an extra week holiday this year. It has been amazing ! I have been taking the occasional afternoon off to watch my kids play matches at school and it has been lovely.

Good luck - you are definitely not alone. I don't think there are many husbands out there that share the workload when it comes to home / children !!!

[LMC1]

One little trick we used was to have the kids have a later bedtime. Not very English I know, but from a very early age our girls (now 7 and 12) had an 8pm/8.15pm bedtime as the nanny worked until 8pm. It was still sometimes a mad rush to get home from work, but much easier than aiming for 6.30pm and it eased the guilt to see them every evening, even if only for bedtime. It helped that my husband is French and they often have later bedtimes (and interestingly often bath before tea so everyone can eat together) so although it was out of sync with friends who were putting their little ones to bed at 6.30pm, it did not seem completely mad. It had the added bonus of the girls not waking until 7am instead of the 5.30/6am some friends had to deal with!

[Maud_Gonne]

@workinmuminthecity - you mention a life coach, I would be really grateful if you would share who you talk to? I'm at a crossroads career wise and think a chat with an external person would really help me clear my head. Thank you in advance!

Agree with all other posts, you are not alone. If you can afford it, throw money at a "good" nanny, get them to help as much as possible.

Online shopping for groceries and everything else.

Use your lunch hour to tick off the to-do list.

@BFW - love the Vespa idea, I'm going to look into that!

[workingmuminthecity]

Hi SuzyL
The coach who I am currently seeing has no availability, but a very good friend of mine, Caroline Flanagan, also does this kind of work. I didn't go to Caroline myself as I don't think coaching would work with a friend who already knew me, but I can 100% recommend her. She is an ex City lawyer, with 4 boys, so knows all about that juggling act. She has set up her own coaching business called "Babyproof your life" - the name of the business reflects the fact that her coaching is primarily aimed at young women with a career who do not yet have children, but are in that zone of thinking about having a family. Her work is to get them to think and plan ahead so that when a first child arrives, it's not a complete shock in terms of career impact. But Caroline also does a lot of work with ladies who are already mothers and are at career crossroads.
My own coaching is really helping in terms of rethinking my priorities and assessing why and how I am working, and I hope Caroline will also be able to help you. Check her website: http://www.babyproofyourlife.com/about/
Good luck!

[Maud_Gonne]

Workinmuminthecity, thank you, very helpful. I’ll have a read of the website and go from there. There is quite a lot going on at the moment in our family, 2 small children, potential to move abroad etc, it would be good to get some perspective.

[Bramble]

I'm a working Mum in the City with two under-fours, and I would recommend Kerrith Harris at executive-coaching.co.uk. I had a few coaching sessions with Kerrith when I returned from my second maternity leave about a year ago and was feeling very mixed up. Whilst I definitely still don't have all the answers, I think speaking to Kerrith gave me a few hours out from thinking about everyone else in my family and helped me start the process of thinking about what I want and what I am trying to achieve. It was also quite refreshing to speak to someone who could reassure me that I was not alone in how I felt. Good luck!