Getting involved with another parent's behaviour? Locked

[jjw]

I'm really not sure what to do about something I saw this afternoon, and I just keep replaying it over in my mind.

A father was taking his son (I guess aged 7/8) home from school, and the son was crying and appeared to have been causing a bit of an ongoing battle as the father appeared to be getting to the end of his tether (as we all can!). There was talk of going to a friend's for tea if the boy behaved and the dad said fine, if the boy didn't say another word, as the father was loosing his patience with the situation (which may have been completely fair and normal to do in the circumstances).

Unfortunately, the boy cried again and despite being told he was getting his way, said "please". The father said that was the one word and so they were going home rather than to the friends, and went to head in the opposite direction (probably driven to seeing red and enough was enough).

The boy bolted after the friends, and the father ran after him and took him back to their bikes over his shoulder (something I have certainly done before). The boy then bolted again and the father made to continue home (again a normal reaction at times I am sure). The boy carried on further and further away and another woman spoke to him until the father caught up (having abandoned the boys bike on the pavement to catch up with him).

The dad then went to drag the boy up another path on the grass, with the boy still trying to run off. The dad then stopped and pulled the boy up short, and then after a few words/shouts (I was too far away to hear what was said) lifted the boy in rage to shoulder/head height and threw him to the ground in front of him.

At that point I went to cross the road to intervene and my view was blocked by lorries, so I have no idea what happened in the aftermath of the throw. The dad could have picked him up and hugged him and apologised or anything. I was initially going to rant at him, but while trying to cross over thought I have no idea what is going on and he could be having the worst time ever (divorce, death, lost job) and we can all lose our temper at times in different ways.

So I asked if he needed any help. By the time I got to them they were walking back to the boy's bike and the dad was on the phone. He seemed really awkward and uncomfortable and said they were fine. I said I had seen him throw the boy to the ground and he said he didn't know what to do but he was on the phone now and they were fine. I offered to help get the bike and he said they were fine. So I let them go on their way.

I just keep seeing the little boy flying through the air. I have a pretty good idea what school he is at, and am wanting to try and bump into the dad again to speak to him. But I don't know what else to say, or what he could say that would make me feel more relaxed about it. We can all do things in the heat of the moment, or things we regret. I just don't think I would ever physically lift my child into the air to slam her into the ground. That's what makes me think he needs help...if he acts like that in public what goes on at home...or maybe a one off due to some horrific personal circumstances today, that will never be repeated. He seemed careful getting the boy back on his bike, but I'm sure men who beat their wives sometimes help them clear up the blood and make them a cup of tea.

What can I say to him that will make a difference and what can he say to me likewise? Is it worth offering help in any form out of the heat of the moment (i.e. tomorrow), but would anyone actually appreciate that from a complete stranger.

Or is this a classic case of keep your nose out of other people's business and no good will come of interfering?! Ergh!

[abfab]

I'm afraid I disagree with the previous posters. That man violently assaulted his son. If you had seen someone doing that to a stranger you probably would have called 999. Why should children be protected less just because the violence is from a family member?

If you know the school, you should contact them and let them know. They will have a safeguarding officer who will know better than most of us what to do to protect the child. It might be a one-off isolated incident from a parent needing support or it might be part of a pattern of horrendous abuse, but the professionals responsible for keeping that child safe need the information to determine the best course of action.

[Reb]

You witnessed about 5/10 minutes. There's no way you can establish a true picture of what has gone on.

My family was walking into Balham last month when a random passer by decided my husband was an unfit parent. This is what had happened before the man had seen us. At home, we had given the kids breakfast, got them dressed and my husband had even painted my daughter's face. We were heading into Balham to buy a Xmas tree for the kids.
My husband was walking along with our 4 year old and got annoyed when she picked up some dirty leaves. My daughter went into a strop and did that classic drag along the pavement. About now some bloke turned the corner to see my husband dragging his child along the pavement while talking on the 'phone. He felt justified in shouting "interact with your child you selfish git" having made all kinds of assumptions by seeing a whining 4 year old with her dad dragging her along while on the 'phone. He hadn't witnessed any of the family moments between 7am-12pm! I was walking behind with our 2 year old and couldn't help but shout back....he didn't respond. I was so annoyed that he thought his seeing a microcosm of our lives entitled him to judge our parenting skills. We know we're not always great, we don't need anyone else telling us that! Do we like dragging our child? Of course not! Do we do that sort of thing often? No, but toddlers test to the limit.
I was in FARA the other week and was so relieved to see another mum forcibly remove her kid from a toy and say "come on, I don't have time for this". We all have those moments. Maybe if I didn't have kids I'd have thought she was a bad mother?
Anyway, my feeling is don't get involved unless you know ALL the facts/details.

[supergirl]

Hi

I second Abfab' comment. Without a shadow of a doubt, I would contact the school and make an appt with the head. I would say exactly say what you wrote and i would say to the head in question that the reasons i am letting her know are 1. I couldnt live with myself should the child be in danger ie. With an abusive parent; 2. Because only the head would know whether or not to take action; 3. By mentioning it to the head, you are helping that person to keep its eyes open in order to decide whether or not to take action.

I would not confront the dad Because you dont anything about the circumstances.

2 years ago i saw 6 teenagers in a pub drinking beer. They were all from a well known secondary school in south west london. They were all underage drinking alcohol. I know for sure because they dont wear a uniform when they hit 6th form. I call the school and talked to the deputy head and reported the pub in question. The school was grateful as i m sure the parents were too.
To be honest, i didnt really care about the kids drinking (i tried too when i was young) but i was fuming against the pub/bartender.

Only you knows what you should do. That s only my opinion.

[abfab]

There's quite a difference between the two cases, though, Reb.

In your scenario, you guys were experiencing one of those incidents with young kids which we're all familiar with, and anyone sensible will think 'there but for the grace of God...'

In the OP's scenario, the father physically threw his child to the ground. That is physical abuse which is never justified, no matter what the context, no child should have to experience it and it is everyone's responsibility to protect the child, although I totally get your instinctive wish not to get involved.

[LP73]

How can anyone say to keep their nose out of this????

What you have witnessed is an assault on a child. I think for your own peace of mind this needs to be reported as this is not acceptable. None of us know what happens behind the closed doors of this poor child and maybe his bahaviour is mirroring his father or parents - this normally happens.

I hope that the local police that use this site will get in touch with you and take a statement. Even if this was an innocent mistake the father needs some help to control his anger. I really hope that the child is OK.

Please, please report this to the school and police, we all have a duty of care to children.

[zaza107]

I agree with abfab and supergirl, as well. While I see the others' points, it makes me a bit sad that we live in a community where people aren't comfortable at least conveying this information to someone with authority, who can take a more informed decision than can a passerby. If I'd done what the OP described, or my husband had, and someone saw, I would want others' instincts to say they ought to act.

[jjw]

Thank you to people for taking the time to reply. I was up half the night stewing over it. I don't think it is my place to act as judge and jury, on whether it was a one off incident or not, so I think I have to let the school know and allow people with more knowledge of the parties, and expertise, deal with it accordingly. It gives me some relief to know that others would do the same.

However, I feel very uncomfortable invading someone else's family life. I know full well I am not a perfect parent myself, and I regularly look at people having a nightmare with a child and do think there by the grace of God go I.

It wasn't just a situation where a parent lost their temper, or managed their child in a style that was not to my taste. It was violent, uncontrolled, physical aggression and I feel physically sick every time I see it happening again in my mind. If I ever did something like that I would really need help, it is not how someone in a good place would ever choose to deal with a child.

I think in the circumstances, it probably would be best for this thread to not be thrashed out on an on going basis, so I will try and ask Annabel how to remove my original posting. Thank you so much for the messages though, and it has given me the confidence to follow my gut.

[LP73]

Just imagine if something far worse happened and nothing had been said.
You did and are going to do the right thing.
I hope that you will be able to move forward knowing what you are doing is the right thing.
Parenting is tough yet no parent should ever, ever do that to a child no matter how annoyed they feel. A child is so very innocent.