Call to mums of 16 yrs old girls - please help! Post Reply

[supergirl]

I am very very close to my teenage nephews and niece, and very close to their mum (my sister).

Just had (we do that fairly regularly) a great long whatsapp exchange with my niece. I love to hear about her and she does tell me lots.
She works very hard academically, is a very sensible bright teen so i actually DO trust her.

She just told me about a new relationship, nothing sexual (she says she doesnt want to yet), i reminded her that she is right, it is her call, and the precautions she needs to take should she changes her mind. She asked me not to tell her mum. I said i wont. I also told her to tell her mum if it was getting serious and needed the pill as well as the condom, and she agreed. My sister is like me and would never avoid these convos with her kids.

But now i wonder whether i should tell my sister. If i ask her not to tell her daughter, i trust my sister not to say anything but still i have an ethical pb here because nothing has happened and she IS sensible.
So maybe i should wait and see hoe it develops?

Thanks for your suggestions.

[supergirl]

I should add that i am not worried.

[tooposhtopush]

Hi
This is my take:-

1. You have to be ready to tell your sister if you need to. However when you do recognise that it will destroy the trust with your niece. There is absolutely no way that you can promise to keep a secret as you have to have her well being as a priority and that may mean telling your sister.

However...

2. I would not say anything right now but...

3. I would talk to your niece and explain that you feel awkward. Throw it back to her and say "this does put me in a difficult position, I'm NOT going to say anything but I would feel happier if you told my sister." She won't agree but at least you are flagging why it is difficult.

I can almost guarantee this is what will happen:

1, you will have to tell your sister at some stage or...
2. your niece will tell her mum that you knew

so either way one of them will be cross with you and I think you need to manage expectations

wow - wisdom of Solomon...

[littlebabysmummy]

If it's not worrying information then no, I don't think you should tell your sister. Not without consulting your niece.
When I was younger I would confide in my aunt thinking everything I told her was going to kept confidential - again, none of the information was of concern but it was just stuff that was easier to discuss with my aunt.
I later found out that she used to tell my mother everything and boy did that hurt. It's been over 15 years now but I can tell you my relationship with my aunt has never been the same.

[ladyofacertainage]

Personally I think you should not betray her trust. She's 16 and what she may do is not illegal. It's fantastic she confides in you, but she won't if you tell your sister and it could be important in the future for her to have someone to confide in. By all means let her know you are in a difficult position and encourage her to speak to her mother, but do let her know you are a safe confidante also. In my opinion it's likely her mother will guess something is happening anyway. Teenagers find it hard to disguise their excitement and joy when a new relationship comes along. Good luck!

[jamminben31]

Why would you even think of telling your sister? I don't get it at all. The girl needs someone she can trust, she's not doing anything wrong or dangerous at all so no reason to break that trust at this point. You'll be in a far better position to help her if she continues to trust you. If you go to your sister with this and your niece finds out, she'll clam up and neither of you will know what is going on with her. Stay undercover.

[Sheds]

Hi Supergirl

I would suggest that you avoid creating a problem that just does not exist. Your niece is excited about someone she has met and wanted to share it with you. If and when she wants to share it with her mum, she will.

You clearly heard her tell you that she does not want you telling her mum. So why would you even be considering it?

What is the big deal in her having a new relationship… unless you make it one? (if the guy is loads older/married etc then it is a different ball game altogether).

How about being excited alongside her, not leading her to believe that she is putting you in any sort of situation with your sister as she isn't - that is just you and your own thinking about it. She has simply chosen you to share her news with….

[supergirl]

Thank you all for taking the time to give me your views (Petal and Tooposhtopush i like the way you ve put it, it is exactly how i felt).
I will wait and see what happens. I already did told my niece to talk to her mum if it was getting serious.

Sheds - yes i agree with you hence me saying that i was not worried if you had read correctly. I do not mind people giving me their opinion but there a slight patronising tone in your answer. I m happy for you that you have all things figured out, i dont.

I posted because i Am still far away from the teenage years and i was wondering how mums of teenage mums would feel if their daughters were confiding in someone they trust but that someone would not tell them, the mum.

I want to do the right thing for both my niece and her mum, and i project myself for when my children will be there and wondering how i would feel.

Thank you again for your time.

[papagato1]

I would say, a promise is a promise. Only break a promise under extreme circumstances. She is not in any danger, and sounds like she is very sensible and you are telling her exactly the right thing.

You need her trust for the long way coming, to insure she has a safe place to share her thoughts. Don't break that easliy. I am sure your sister will understand.

All the best.

[Braintrainer]

Not a mum, but I'd keep the confidence, she's already promised to tell her mum if it gets more serious.

[Sheds]

Hi Supergirl

I am sorry that you felt there was a slightly patronising tone in my answer - I can assure you that none was intended! I wonder what made you think that 'I have all things figured out'?

The point I was trying to make was that your niece had a conversation with you. If you 'do' anything with that conversation then you are creating something that does not exist. Is that what you want to do?

My intent was to offer help to both you and your niece, especially as I have had plenty of hands on experience with 16 years old girls.

Maybe Petal and Tooposhtopush are replicating the answer that you already had formed yourself and you were really looking for validation from others thinking the same. Nothing wrong with that. I just see something very different...

I wish you all well.

[firsttimerSW11]

Hi Supergirl

While it's a bit of a tricky situation, I echo what others have also said in that for a 16 year old, it's very important to have a trusted adult in their life such that if something more serious were to happen (god forbid), then she has someone to confide in. I would therefore say that the most important thing is that you don't betray her trust. As you say, you're not worried and the relationship is still in its infancy. If you tell your sister, your niece will never trust you again and that would probably be the greatest shame of all.

All of the above said, you do therefore need to ensure that she is using common sense if the relationship does progress. And by all accounts, encourage her to tell her mum, especially if your sister doesn't shy away from (difficult) communication with her children.

[supergirl]

Again thank you all for being so sensible. I absolutely agree with your views and I am actually very honoured and feel very privileged that she chose me. I am going to keep her trust. I have messaging her and asked if you she wanted to go for a coffee the I am next in Paris.

@Sheds: thank you for taking the time to reply and for clarifying your point. I agree with you, there is nothing to worry about so I shouldn't create a problem where there is known. And yes you are right, writing the post helped me clarify / validate what I thought.

But being the trusted one gives you so much responsibilities as well....

[secondtimer]

Hey Supergirl

It sounds like you have figured out what to do, but I thought I'd throw in a quick thought!
I do a lot of counselling with teenage girls and believe it's really important for them to have a sensible adult (non parent) they can use as a sounding board. You describe a really lovely relationship with your niece and it would be a pity if she felt she needed to censor what she told you...

I can see how your sister might feel upset that you didn't tell her, I sometimes get parents that feel that way. In counselling we work to an ethical principle test you only break confidence if you feel there is a risk of "harm to self or others", I also tell clients that wherever possible I will warn them before breaking their confidence so they can give me permission to do so. In a sense you are acting as an informal counsellor to your niece so perhaps being explicit with her (and your sister) that you will follow the same principle might enable you to tread the fine line between being a trusted confidante and protecting her from unwise choices. You say she is sensible and trustworthy so my guess is that both your niece and your sister will respect your honesty.

[supergirl]

I like that second timer thanks.

To all, apologies for the awful typos