Functioning Alcoholic Mum Post Reply

[Tootytoots]

I usually post under a different name but this is a pretty heavy topic for me.

I need some advice on how to handle a situation with my mother. I basically am having Easter at my house and I don't want her to drink. Let me explain why.

For as long as I can remember my Mum (in her 50s) has always drunk what I consider "too much" i.e. she drinks daily and when out (every weekend) drinks until she is drunk - sometimes till she can't really talk and falling about. Every family event she is slurring and drunk by the end of it, not usually smashed if the kids are there but definitely sozzled. She is a tiny size 6 and hardly eats and smokes as well. Her health in general is a huge concern to me. I hate it and am starting to think very negatively towards her.

She is married to a guy who I consider to be a functioning alcoholic (they met down the pub) after her marriage to my Dad broke down after 27 years. He is all about the booze, they have this "party couple" reputation and people in their local area think they are just SO much fun, they drink until 3am with friends and whenever you go around he's always pushing you to have a drink and making you feel boring when you don't. They never spend anytime together without a drink. And I mean NEVER. He makes it worse and when she falls asleep at the end of the night pissed, he wakes her up and shoves another glass of wine in her hand or has a go at her for falling asleep (after a 6 hour bender FFS!) so we can't speak to him.

This has been going on for years and my sister and I with two kids each, jobs and husbands and with all conversations (of which there have been many) making no difference we held up our hands and said 'she's an adult, we can't tell her how to live her life' etc etc.

However in the last 6 months there have been two major accidents at her home - whilst she was drunk which have just scared the crap out of me. 1) she was pissed one (Wednesday) night, her dishwasher flooded and whilst standing in a pool of water took out the plug and electrocuted herself. She was hospitalised but "fine". Then about 3 months ago she left a candle on which fell over on her dining table and nearly burnt her house down. She got out, was hospitalised and is "fine".

She has made no connection at all between these accidents and alcohol. Now everytime I see her and out comes the wine I want to smash the glass on the floor and scream in her face to STOP F*&CKING DRINKING ALL THE TIME! But clearly this is not a good approach.

I am having Easter at my place and REALLY don't want her to drink, what can I say. How can I broach it. I was thinking call her but say what. She won't accept she has a problem and is bouyed on by the husband who just thinks me and my sister are boring and always "having a go" and I often hear his words coming out of her mouth when she gets defensive.

I am so anxious, it makes me feel sick. Anyone been in a similar situation?

[tooposhtopush]

This is a horrible situation and you have my sympathy and best wishes. I hope you get the resolution you need.

I have some experience of this and these are my thoughts.

1) the excess drinking is a symptom. I have no idea what it is a symptom of but it is a symptom. There could be unhappiness in life, in self-actualisation, in career, in love. boredom etc etc but whatever it is THIS is what needs to be dealt with.

2) to "tell" someone not to drink who has not dealt with (1) is almost always going to be unsuccessful. Stephen King (who struggled with alcohol for years) wrote that these people actually have a name in alcoholic circles which is "dry-drunk" or "white knuckle" drunk. Even if you can persuade them to stop drinking it is always going to be a bumpy ride because they are always one argument/piece of bad news/stress away from hitting the bottle again

3) your mother WILL know that she is harming herself and others. However the shame (and self-awareness) is outweighed by the pressure in (1) and until that is dealt with then, again, there is always going to be an issue.

4) you need to sit down with your mother somewhere calm, NOT after an incident and explain a) you love her b) you're worried about her and c) you want to help her and try and discover the demons driving her to alcohol. Be prepared for variation and a total lack of admitting to the issue. This will probably fail.

5) Then withdraw your love and support and calmly explain that you can't have her in your life as she is.

Only when the pain of (5) is greater than the demons of (1) will a dialogue start to happen.

Good luck, its a long bumpy horrible road but it can be dealt with.

Love

TPTP

[secondtimer]

Tootytoots, I feel your pain and echo that it's a horrible situation to be in. My mum struggled with alcohol for close to 20 years before quitting completely about 5 years ago (she is 62). It took several paracetamol overdoses, near death experiences, a divorce (her third) and estrangement from different family members for her to hit "her bottom." She is now happier and healthier than she has ever been and runs her local AA meeting!

I'm sharing this to demonstrate that there can be a happy ending, but it will have to come from her. No amount of threats/moderation promises/bargaining is going to get her to change if she doesn't want to. There are materials that AA can send you that might help her realise that she is denying a problem and there is a really lovely blog written by a 47 year old London mum called "mummywasasecretdrinker" which might help her see that there can be life without alcohol. Soberisteras is also amazing in terms of support. HOWEVER.. She has to want to do it. Sadly (and I know this firsthand) you can't make her. You have entitled your post "functioning" alcoholic. But your reference to the two scary incidents suggest she is walking a fine line, my guess is there have been plenty of other incidents (or near misses) that you are unaware of. Alcoholism is highly secretive and progressive, I'm sorry but it's going to get worse if not addressed and the Easter "not drinking" element of your post is a very small part of the issue (that's not to say it can't be a catalyst for change and I realise it's a big dilemma, but there are alarm bells ringing that your mum or her partner could really hurt themselves, and I doubt v much they will agree not to drink at your house.)

If you feel able to, I would call the AA hotline and have a chat with a volunteer, they will send you materials on how to support her and also tips on how to support yourself. You don't have to buy into the "higher power" thing or go to a meeting. But my sense is you are going to need a support team and knowledge is power. At present they are colluding with each other that their drinking is normal and acceptable. (And perhaps on some level it is but without knowing their actual weekly unit consumption it's impossible to say, plus it's putting them in risky situations.)

I hope this is useful. Please PM me if you want to ask anything offline, dealing with addiction can be a very lonely and frustrating place. xx

[headshrinker]

This is tricky as I don't want to go too much into my own stuff on here but I know about this both from personal experience and from my work (as a counsellor) so kind of know what I am talking about here.

Bottom line is that this is a bad situation but that you don't have much say in how it plays out. Your mum is in a marriage that both enables and encourages her drinking and without the support of her partner it will be incredibly difficult to do anything about this. They definitely have a problem but things have simply not got bad enough for them to address it. (Unfortunately, alcoholics seem to dismiss life-threatening behaviour as no big deal on a regular basis!) This would mean their drinking spiralling completely out of control or one or both of them becoming so distressed/ill that they are willing to accept help.

What you can do in the meantime is manage the impact it has on you. You set in place clear boundaries about their behaviour around you and if they are unable to respect these then they simply cannot be around you. It is terribly hard to let go, particularly when you are worried about her health (you are quite right to be by the way) but until she is able to admit that there is a problem or show any willingness to change, there is nothing you can do here.

If you need support managing this then consider Al Anon http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ who offer support to families of alcoholics or personal therapy. Anyone who has worked with alcoholics will tell you that what is needed from family members is tough love. Actually doing it is REALLY hard though. Take care of yourself, make sure you get the support you need.

Oh and feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this.

[Tootytoots]

Thank you so very much. These bits of advice are clearly all from a basis of experience and really useful. I have decided to let Easter come and go without having a "sit down" before. It will probably ruin the day and I hardly see her enough as it is. God the English fear of awkwardness is so powerful sometimes!

I'm going to do some more reading as suggested - the blogs and also the stuff from AA so when we do have a sit down I have plenty of ammunition (yes it feels like a battle) to try and make her see it's not just me being a total drag.

Thanks again xx

[tooposhtopush]

Just wanted to check in and ask how Easter was going so far?

[JJ2016]

Please go to a Al Anon meeting and get some support. There is no point sitting down with her until you have some support from people who have alcoholics in there life - either functioning or recovering. Alcoholism is an illness so your mum will need help but will want to give up for herself first. AA is the best option IMO some very wonderful people in AA with years of experience both of drinking and sobriety! Contact Al Anon and go to a meeting, there are a lot in London.

[Heavens to Betsy]

Addiction problems nearly always boil down to people struggling to find meaning in their life, and not having their basic needs met.

Very difficult to deal with these stumbling blocks without the co-operation of the person involved so it will be a matter of persauding your Mother to see that she needs help along with her partner.

Solution focussed hypnotherapy can be very effective in bringing addiction under control and addressing the basic needs which are not being met in addicts.

I would look on line to find one for her and see if she would give it a go (obviously not going to be easy) but as someone else said above, setting very firm boundaries with her may make her see what she could lose if she doesn't address her problem.

Good luck and well done you for being such a good daughter!

[LidoLady]

My mother in law was a functioning (and occasionally non-functioning) alcoholic. When my husband and I visited at weekends (she died before we had children) she would start drinking late morning and carry on until she fell asleep, fag in hand, late at night. Lager first usually followed by whisky. As time went on it became more and more nightmarish. The last time we visited her she was screaming and shouting in the kitchen at my dear, patient father in law and throwing dishes at the walls while we sat trying to pretend nothing was happening, waiting at the table for Sunday lunch.

She also took to phoning my husband, always late at night or even in the middle of the night, screaming down the phone about how he never visited her and what a terrible son he was. In the end I said we had to disconnect the phone after we went to bed as I couldn't bear it any more.

My father in law drank too, mostly whisky, but didn't get out of control. My husband had several conversations with him about his mother, but in the end she died suddenly of a smoking-relating illness. She was only 56 and her health was truly terrible by that point, not helped by the booze.

My advice is that if you have a husband, children and a job, they have to be your priority. It is worth seeking help from AA because talking to other people with similar issues in the family will definitely help, even if your mother is unwilling to seek help herself. But don't let yourself get sucked down by your mother. However much you love her, alcoholics don't change unless they really want to. If you have a conversation, as suggested in another post, when she is sober and calm, and tell her how much unhappiness she is causing and the effect on you and her grandchildren etc, and you give her the nearest AA contact details, you have done all you can.

If nothing positive happens after that I personally think you are better off restricting contact to when you think she might be sober and if that isn't possible, just let it go.

I've looked back over what I have written and just asked myself why on earth we put up with it for so long. I suppose because hope springs eternal ...

I do wish you well.