Moving On Post Reply

[NWTgo]

Hi,

I have created a new username this morning, as I didn't want to post this personal topic in my usual name...

I was hoping someone may be able to give me some advice - To cut a long story short, I want to leave my husband but cannot find a way out - I work in London but have no savings and don't particularly earn very much. My husband doesn't work he says "he can't be bothered". Without giving too much personal info away, I feel really stuck. I want to move out of London completely and rent somewhere for me and my children but I just can't afford it. If I were to rent somewhere I would need to continue working but I can't work in London and move several hundred miles away.

I would like to be able to apply for tax credits to help me on my own, but I cannot apply as a single person given that I do still live with my husband. We are not a "couple anymore" but we are living under one roof, does that mean we are technically a "couple"?

My husband has no money whatsoever and is in debt up to his eyeballs, which means he won't be supporting me either, (not that I want him too). My parents have advised me to save, save, save then get out but I would need to save thousands so I could move, pay rent and support myself whilst I found a new job, and that's impossible because all my money is taken up by bills.

I just want to go, but how and where? I'm getting so depressed by the situation. I can't find a way out... does anyone know what one does in these situations? I have put up with this for years and I don't think I can any longer.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know where to turn.

[tooposhtopush]

I am so sorry you are in this situation, it must be horribly stressful.

I love the way that Graham Norton approaches these sorts of problems in his weekly columns for the Telegraph and he talks a lot about choices.

As I see it these are your choices:

1. continue as you are with counselling etc to help you cope/get back together
2. continue are you are whilst saving and secretly planning your exit
3. leave him and request help from the council/social housing etc
4. leave him and request help from your family/friends

I don't think there are any other choices!

So I'd work through them one by one and follow them all up at the same time.

1. go and see your GP and ask for help with depression. Talk to Marraige Guidance about counselling. This may not end anywhere (I accept your marriage may be unsaveable) but it may give you more inner strength and hwlp with depression

2. save whilst doing (1)

3. go to the council/Peabody Trust/Citizens Advice Bureau and find out your rights and liklihood for social housing

4. visit parents (if they are alive) and ask if they can help? Can you move in with them?

Once you've done these four things you'll have a better idea of what is possible/probable...

Hope this helps and good luck.

Do post and let us know how you are getting on

[darlingmummy]

Hi I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I believe you have made the right decisions in wanting to leave your husband, he is no role model for your children.

do you own the house you live in now or are you renting?
also I am no expert but I really think you need to see a solicitor about the divorce and they'll advice you on your options.
maybe once you start divorce proceedings he will have to move out of the family home??!!

I am sure someone on this site will be able to give you some advice

[szerma]

Hello,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been in equally tough situations in my life, but I didn't have kids then, which gives it a whole different dimension.

One question I have for you is if you could look for a job somewhere you want to move first? Then, you could move once you had a job, hence would need much less money to begin with as you would have an income coming soon, and an "anchor" in a new place.

On the money front, not sure if it's an option, but could you get a personal loan and/ or an interest-free credit card?

Could you move somewhere in the interim that would allow you to save money? For example, house-sit where you would have to look after pets, or keep company to an elderly person?

Would any of your friends have a room you could stay in for a couple of months? I am sure it would be a less-than-ideal situation with kids, and you would not want to impose, but do not be shy of taking them up on help when it's offered.

You have clearly supported a whole household on your income alone so you must be hard-working and committed. I am sure you will get through this and build a better future for you and your kids.

Best of luck,
M

[NYE31]

I am so very sorry to read your post, the other posters have given sterling advice which I would echo.

I don't know what you do but is moving out to a job that comes with accommodation an option? Maybe as a housekeeper or house sitter, there have been posts on this site from people with out of town properties that want people to live in & keep an eye on them & only work when they are staying. That could be a great option for you.

Do visit the CAB & keep us posted.

Sending you a virtual hug - you sound very strong so I am sure that you will find a way out

[Chasing57]

Hello
I read with great sadness your post butnalsonpleased that you have made up your mind and are determined to get out with your children and change your life for the better. Inthink everyone so far has given you valuable advice but what I wanted to add was that about six years ago I separated from my now ex and until he and his new girlfriend (yup typical senario) could set up home he continued to live st home and even share the marital bed which was just hideous. Anyway someone told me to get in contact with the child benefit/single mother support line and I was totally honest explaining my situation that I was still living in our 'married' house and was still reliant on my 'husband's' salary as we were still going through the motions of divorce. I also said I had no job and with four children the youngest being quite young I couldn't justify getting childcare over getting a job. To my amazement they asked when we officially separated even though he was still living in the same house and they actually backdated my single mother payment. I kept repeating I was a single mother but had a roof over my head and was living off my husband's salary and they confirmed I was entitled to it. At least this way if you talk to them and are completely honest you would be able to have a private monthly income which will help you on your way. Just make the call and see what happens - no harm in trying. Wishing you the best of luck on all you do x

[Mumbojumbo]

So sorry for your situation, experienced similar. A word of advice, make sure you have a financial settlement when you divorce, particularly if neither of you any assets. Reason being, my X husband came after me many years later, (the law back then, I believe gave him seven years to do this) demanding his share of the equity in the property I owned. The judge ruled he was entitled, ruling I must sell the property when youngest child reached 16. Whilst he never paid me a penny in maintenance, nor saw our children, I was supposed to pay mortgage for 16yrs then sell and give him 45%. Nice little savings plan for him!

[Sheds]

Hi NWTgo

Big hugs - you are going to be fine, whatever.

As your husband is a part of your situation it seems that this is a joint discussion and a joint decision. To enable this to happen successfully you need to get outside of your current thinking as the pair of you will spiral round and round getting nowhere different.

There are a multitude of choices, always and to everything. Seems that when we are 'in' the situation we only see limited ones.

If you change your focus, things change by themselves. Try it out.

Think of a situation in your past that seemed impossible at the time. Remember how you felt about it back then. You survived, and became who you are. You will survive this too, have faith in that so you don't have to be expending energy worrying now - worrying will only serve to have you feeling worse right now.

See how quickly it can spiral to divorce from the few responses here. People in their kindness are offering from their own experiences which will never be the same as your unique one.

I wonder why your husband can't be bothered to work… maybe he is thinking depressive thoughts, maybe he has lost hope…. who know what he is thinking other than him.

You are having depressive thoughts about your situation. The situation in itself is not making you depressed. If your thoughts about your situation became more hopeful than you would have less of those depressive thoughts.

What are all the good things going on in your life today?

I am always happy to talk… xx

[Balance]

I would go to a counselling service like Relate with your husband if you can get him to go. He needs to understand that you cannot continue with him sitting at home. It may well give you the talking space to be able to work out the best strategy for parting if that's what you want to do eventually. It may also allow you to sort out joint assets etc and how best to split them to protect the children etc. I've been through this too and its a horrible process. You don't say whether your husband is violent or not but think its always a good idea to have a third person around when talking through such difficult subjects. Good luck, I'm sure a way will come to you ... xx

[wriggles]

Not an easy situation. I am so sorry it is such a complex one...
Is there any way for you to retain your current job, continue living where you are and ask your husband to move out? Instead of changing everything all at once, take a bite size chunk and address things one at a time. First things first, leave your partner and establish yourself without him. Then look to change the other things.
Good luck and take things one at a time

[Merton Mummy]

Hello there

I am so sorry to hear about your terribly sad situation. I am a Family Lawyer and so please PM me if you need some initial advice over the telephone.

With best wishes

MM

[shaneleone]

I'm going through a somewhat related situation in that my husband walked out on us in January, leaving me with three very young children and no family in this country. Although I work, I'm a writer so I don't make much and my salary is certainly not predictable. So I've spent the last few months trying to figure out what I am entitled to, and would be happy to have a chat on the phone or over a coffee if you'd like and I can tell you what I learned.

I do think all of the above advice is great - if there is any chance, then you should definitely try counseling. And ring the child benefit help line and the tax credit office and just be totally honest about your situation. There are also tax credit calculators online that would give you an idea of what you could be entitled to. Asking family to help financially is another option.

If the marriage can't be saved, then maybe your husband should move out, or you could look at moving somewhere out of London but still commuting distance -maybe close to your folks? I do think you actually have lots of options and it's just about educating yourself. I was totally terrified when my husband first left, but am getting through it day by day, and trying to figure out what is best for myself and the kids and how to get there. Again, if the marriage is over - then you should probably see a lawyer. There are some lawyers out there (not all) who will do the initial meeting free of charge, or charge a fixed-fee and they will be able to talk you through your options as well.

So counseling, CAB, the tax credit and child benefit helplines, online tax credit calculator, and seeing a lawyer - if you did all those things, you wouldn't be much out of pocket but would be so much more informed. Send me a PM if you'd like to chat more. And best of luck - it is so tough being a single mum, but it will get better.

[NWTgo]

Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate people taking the time to write...

Unfortunately, there is no way back for my husband and I. I have not only stopping loving him but I can barely look at him without feeling hatred. I feel he has really let himself and his children down. I cannot understand why an educated man will not go to work for his family. He is depressed yes, but refusing to get a job because they are "beneath" him, just doesn't sit well with me.

I have carried the family for years, on very little money. I worked up until I was 8 and a half months pregnant and went back to work as a temp when my youngest was 5 months old, because he refused to get a job. The flat we live in was his before we married and I am not on the mortgage or deeds, he doesn't pay the mortgage and is in thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt, the flat is for sale, but if it doesn't sell soon it will be repossessed, I am amazed the bank has waited this long for their money. That said, I can't ask my husband to leave and us stay because I can't afford to live there on my own either.

My family know my situation and feel sad for me, but have no room for us to live with any of them, and don't have enough money to support me in a new home while I find a job. They have given me money over the last couple of years to help with small bills etc... they have done everything they can.

I tried to find a job near my parents a few months ago but I have had no luck, the salaries are much, much lower and I don't even get offered an interview for those that I do apply for.

It all seems impossible for me at the moment, I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, my poor children deserve better than this.

I will take everyone's advice on board and definitely call the CAB and benefits office in the hope I can get some help as a single mum.

Thank you again.

[Swingerfromdowntown]

Have you discussed this with him?

[NWTgo]

oh yes, swingerfromdowntown. Many many times and his response is "go then, you know where the door is" unfortunately I can't just go!