Parents will help with school fees but want to decide on the school Post Reply

[HelpWithFees]

Hello
I've posted under a different username for obvious reasons.

My dilemma is that my daughter is in year 4 and we're starting to look at secondary schools.

We don't think we'll get into one of the better state schools and so we've been looking at independent/private.

The problem is we can't really afford the fees, actually we can't at all, but my parents-in-law, who were both educated privately, have offered to pay.

However they have made it very clear that a condition of doing so is they want "input" into where their money is going and they're "really looking forward to the school open days".

On the one hand I can understand that they want to see where there money is going but some of the hints that have been dropped make me think that they actually want to choose. If we had similar outlooks that might not be a problem but they are very very traditional and I can imagine them wanting somewhere which is a little more Malory Towers than the more arty places I'd favour.

The other problem is that we have a son and I wonder if I have to ask them if they're prepared to pay for both? Which feels like a really grabby/grubby conversation to have, but I wouldn't to send one private and not the other.

Has anyone else had a similar situation how did you navigate it? I wonder if I just need to swallow my pride and accept the cash or if we should refuse the help and move out of London?

[MummyWalker]

I've not been in a similar situation but did have a couple of thoughts which may or may not be helpful.... Your post mentions "hints" which suggests your parents-in-law have not said outright that they think the school should be their choice. Hopefully that gives you and your husband the opportunity to get in first and specify what you think their "input" should be.

Perhaps you could propose that you and your husband look at a broad range of schools initially and then create a short list of schools (all of which you would be happy for your daughter to attend) that your parents in law would then come and visit with you. You could also invite your parents-in-law to make suggestions for the "long list" as well so they feel involved. You could make it clear that you'd be really keen to hear their views on the shortlist schools after the open days as that will help you make YOUR final decision.

I agree with Petal that the decision should ultimately be made by you and your husband, but I can see why your parents-in-law would want to feel involved (even if in reality their influence is limited!) Its a really tricky situation and as awkward as it might be, I think its best to move on from "hints" sooner rather than later and get everyone openly discussing their expectations of how the arrangement will work. You never know, they may surprise you and it will turn out they would never dream of trying to take the decision out of your hands.

You also mentioned schooling for your son. I think its completely reasonable that you would want to know that they will be prepared to do the same for him. If it was me, I would try and talk about the decision making approach for your daughter first, and then follow up with the conversation about your son before you get too far down the road of choosing your daughter's school. Also, I would probably get my husband to open the conversation (feels quite delicate given its about their finances) but I would want to be in the room so that I could hear their response "from the horse's mouth". Good luck!

[Lulubear]

They have made a really generous offer so I would bear that in mind when considering they want some input. I totally agree though that you need to have some discussions with them before accepting their offer to ensure that you don't go too far down the process before realising that you are unhappy with any conditions they are making! Any, yes, I would definitely want to know that they are considering paying for both children as it would be awful not to be able to offer the same to your daughter. One thing to bear in mind when considering their input is that they may feel that having attended private schools themselves they can offer some added perspective when going to the open days with you. I'm sure you would flatter them if you acknowledged that which might then make them more amenable to hearing your viewpoint on what suits your children best!

[Oldkidontheblock]

I have experience of this situation. You may think my response is over the top but I have one word for you: Don't. It has been very bad news for us. It has caused terrible conflict, anger and resentment. It has come between my husband and me. It has damaged the children's relationships with their grandparents. Given my time again, I would not accept a penny of their money. The seeds of control are already visible in your case. Do not let them take root. Your children will be fine and you and your husband will have your pride and independence. No amount of private education can make up for that. You may think it will be different in your case and you can handle it but tread very carefully. It is a massive financial commitment and is highly likely to come with strings attached.

[ripley]

I completely agree with Oldkidontheblock. Have you seen "The Affair"? Rich grandparents paid for children's schooling and mentioned it at every available opportunity. They all hated each other. Don't go there!

[Scottov]

It's nothing nearly as dramatic as some would suggest.

Grand parents are a common source of school fees for many private schools, there is nothing unusual about it. In terms of wanting a say in which school - of course they do!! think about it, if they are going to make a big sacrifice they want to be sure it's for the right reasons. in effect what they are doing is not giving you a blank cheque, you should expect and want them to have an input so they are comfortable with the decision.

Should they require a school you find objectionable politely decline; no harm done. you can then choose your state school or pay for an independent school of your choice.

Seems to me you have been made a wonderful offer, and I am not sure what the big deal is.

[Scottov]

I completely agree with Oldkidontheblock. Have you seen "The Affair"? Rich grandparents paid for children's schooling and mentioned it at every available opportunity. They all hated each other. Don't go there!

I hope that's just poor satire

[oab]

It's a generous offer, of course, but I would make sure that:
1. the offer is for both your children
2. it's for the length of their education
It could be quite traumatic for the children to have to leave their private school because the grandparents can no longer afford it (or are no longer willing to contribute)
3. the school is among your choices (like someone else said, you can do a short list and they can visit these schools with you). Their input is of course useful, but you and your husband are the parents and ultimately it is your decision.
4. your husband and you are on the same page on the issue (i.e. how involved the grandparents are in the choice) - you don't want this to be something to constantly argue about in the future

Like mentioned before, I would get your husband to start the conversation as it's a delicate issue and he would know his parents better.

I would really research the state school option, as you need to have a viable alternative in case this doesn't work out (and something to compare the private schools you all agree on with

Good luck!

[mylifestory]

id say go along with them & see how it goes. don't tell them your views if you disagree on something, if the worst comes to the worst & you see them really demanding a different school to the one you want then just say your daughter didn't get in! start by saying that you don't know if you'd want your children to go to 1 state & 1 private so they maybe should both go state from the start - see where that leads to in the fees scenario.

good luck!

[HelpWithFees]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice - very very thought provoking.

We'll spend some time reflecting over the weeks and months and then make a decision.

Leaning towards not taking at the moment