Am I being selfish? Caring for husbands father? Post Reply

[AmISelfish]

Hello Everyone
I'm looking for some advice please.

My father-in-law is a recent widower and finding it hard to care for himself. We're not sure but we think there may also be the early signs of dementia. His was a very traditional marriage and he never really did any cooking/cleaning etc.

I've never especially got on with him. We're from different backgrounds and he has never really approved of my marrying his son, although it was never stated outright but I'm pretty sure he didn't think I went to the right sort of school or came from the right sort of background.

My husband has two other brothers, both of whom live outside London. One in Far East and the other up in Scotland. It's becoming increasingly obvious that my F-I-L needs care and there have been a lot of family WhatsApp discussions as to how that will manifest itself.

I'm feeling under increasing pressure to step in to the role of carer and I don't want to. The brothers don't want to put him into a home as they think that will be too expensive so there are a lot of comments along the lines of as he lives close to us could I pop in for a hour or so and check on him or rustle up some food as though these are five minute trips to the shops as opposed to proper washing and cooking duties.

If I liked him that might be a different matter but I don't, he was never kind to me or my parents so I don't see why I should be stripping his smelly sheets.

What I'm struggling with is this. Am I being assertive or selfish to say no?

I can see my husband thinking that it might be an easy solution but he's never really understood the amount of work that goes into running a home and its not as though this is the sort of work that will become less over time.

Thank you for reading feel better already for writing this down

[jg75]

This is a really hard one. Firstly, to answer your question: no, I don't think you're being selfish, you're just being realistic. This situation seems to come up a lot: it is just so easy for the siblings who live too far away to help, to just assume that the closest sibling should take all the responsibility.

If your father in law has the early signs of dementia, thrn I would be thinking more long term. From my limited experience, dementia can deteriorate quite rapidly. He will need someone there with him 100% of the time to prevent him endangering himself. And even with the early signs of dementia, it wouldn't be a 5 minute a day job as you say. It is much more time consuming and more of a responsibility. Plus, if you never got on, why would he want you around him all the time?!

Have you looked into getting a live-in carer? Or employing someone to come and do his cooking, some housework and just spending a bit of time with him every day? It would work out cheaper than a home. You or your husband would still be involved, but all siblings could contribute to the cost. There are quite a few agencies that arrange this type of thing.

It's so hard isn't it. good luck, don't get bullied into something that doesn't feel right.

[Goldhawk]

Just say no

If he is showing early signs of dementia your husband should be taking him to the GP for further investigation
In some cases early diagnosis can help halt the changes and improve quality of life etc

[helpfulsister]

Firstly, as per the previous comment, I think the most urgent thing is to get him to his GP for some tests, diagnosis and medication. Two years ago my father was working full time but has just moved into a permanent care home, and I do think that we missed the early signs and didn't act quickly enough.

Experience has also taught me that the worst person to care for someone with dementia is someone who doesn't feel able or willing, so for the benefit of everyone concerned it definitely doesn't sound that it should fall to you.

A friend recommended a company to me called Home Instead - they provide a broad range of care, support and companionship that can be scaled up or down depending on what you need. Unfortunately it wasn't something that we were able to pursue for Dad but, from the sound of your circumstances, it's definitely worth exploring. http://www.homeinstead.co.uk

I can't emphasise enough how important it is to encourage the family to get your father in law to his GP for diagnosis and medication asap though.

[MmeCholet]

No, I don"t think you're being selfish and we aren't in a dissimilar situation whereby DH's mother was widowed six years ago, never having dealt with a tradesman or paid a bill. She lives 250 miles away and DH's sisters abroad.

We know the sisters will never help and I am an only child and will, in due course, have my own parents to look after.

I think you need to bring your own future responsibilities into this too and remind your dh that it's his father who needs help. Your father in law clearly does need help but I really think you and your husband need to agree what you feel you are able to do and that doesn't include you giving an hour a day to run your father in laws home because that isn't fair.

If your father in law needs domestic help then I think your DH and his brothers (their wives can't help ) need to pay someone to go in for an hour a day.


your father in law might just be depressed rather than suffering from dementia but of course needs to see the doctor either way. It will help you all if, with some help, he can be as independent as possible and it is better that starts now. If you put in a little bit of paid for helo/care now it will help him get used to it and it won't ne such an upheaval if it has to be increased.

Your brothers in law can't help and in the circumstances I think you and your dh have 50% say in this. Once the help is in place then you can visit once a week and possibly organise shopping (and yes that includes easy meals for the microwave which is what MoW do now) and your husband can visit at weekends and perhaps your father in law can have a meal with you at weekends. But daily, domestic leading to physical care, no I don't think you should have to do that.

I have said to my husband that if his mother needs care and his sisters object to her estate funding it then they are very welcome to come to the uk for a while to share looking after her. Did you see the pig fly past just then?

My husband visits for one weekend a month to do the garden, make sure the house is still standing and deal with the post.

It's a tough one but three people other than you have to take the lion's share of responsibility for this one and that's not taking his previous snarkiness into account. It's just fair based on the facts.

Good luck and apologies for typos

[uptheoctave]

This is my area of expertise! I am about to bombard you with info so please your time, make a list and don't feel too overwhelmed.

Firstly, getting a dementia diagnosis can be far harder than you'd imagine - especially in the early stages. There are various dementia screening tools but these are often ineffective in the early stages.
2) What does your FIL want? If he has capacity (ability to understand and retain certain info) then the decisions lie with him. He will need a capacity assessment and this can be done by a doctor or social worker. If he is deemed to lack capacity then the family can start making decisions in his best interests.
3) Get a social worker involved! Phone up adult social services and explain that you are looking into care for your father in law and would like a financial assessment to see if he would qualify for financial help or be totally self-funding. Social services can be quite slow at get tithe ball rolling so you will need to phone them regularly and badger them. Take names of everyone you speak to.
4) What does he need help with? Washing and dressing? Housework? Shopping? Laundry? Meals? Medication? Be specific and ask for care calls for specific things (eg, morning call for help with W&D, breakfast, meds and snack prep for lunch then teatime care call for help with evening meal, undressing and meds again).
5) Age UK do a marvellous help at home service where the do domestic tasks but not personal care for a small charge. They also do a shopping service or the family could do his shopping online and get it delivered. They also do a buddy scheme so he has company.
6) Contact your local Carers Support (or Carers UK to find your local one) ad ask about community support for him and your family. They have a wealth of info, know about local services you could access for him and can really improve his quality of life.
7) If someone from a service doesn't return your call then keep phoning! Chances are they are very busy and a higher priority has come up (sounds brutal but that's the way it is). It isn't personal and your priority may not necessarily be their priority.

If you want any further help with the process, feel free to PM me.

All the best.

[Denwand]

Amiselfish - I totally sympathise with your position.

The attitude of the three brothers is totally selfish - of course they do not want to pay for care when they have a "no cost" option...you!

They will be able to afford their new car/new kitchen/expensive holiday because they have pushed the responsibility, the guilt, the emotional strain and last but not least, the cost onto you.

What is your husbands view on paying for care?

Suggest to him that , although you are prepared to visit once a fortnight it is his father after all and he needs more care than an occasional visit. Therefore your husband should visit every evening after work and dedicate two hours on Saturday and Sunday to caring for his father.

Emphasising that this will cost him dearly will mean he will soon see the value of paying for care!

Remember to state "He is your father after all" over and over and don't let them dump the responsibility on to you. They would have known that they need to care for their elderly father when they decided to go abroad or move to Scotland.

No the chickens have come home to roost and they will have to face the bill for looking after their own father...did they think they could walk away from it?

Good luck!

[Earlsfield mummy]

Hello,

You have my every sympathy. I was put in a very similar position by one of my brothers-in-law and I refused. In my case, there wasn't any dementia but my FIL had always been a terrible father to my husband and caused him a great deal of pain and heartache over the years. Plus I frankly can't stand the man (for good reason, trust me!). Luckily my husband backed me up completely and told his brother that he wouldn't put me in that position because it was unfair.

I think that any responsibility has to be on the children of the person involved. I would feel the same if it was my own parents - its up to me to look after them, not my husband and certainly not my sisters in law. I think it is grossly unfair of your brothers in law to say that avoiding care will save money - sure it will but your time and effort has a value as well! Caring for someone is not easy and making a meal etc is far more time consuming than seems to be implied by your relatives. Dementia is a degenerative condition and if you are not careful that couple of visits each week could turn into a much larger burden.

I would be helpful by investigating all of the helpful options that have been outlined here but stand firm. You are not being unreasonable and if you feel guilty (which I certainly did) remember that you weren't the one who even raised this tricky situation.

[LidoLady]

We care for my late father in law's second wife, so not a relation at all really. Not very keen on her as a person but she has no-one else. My husband's brother lives abroad but over the years we have always atressed to him that he can do his bit by phoning regularly, sending her a birthday card etc and this is so he is up to speed if she is ill or has a fall and understands she is his responsibility too. He has always said he would help with the cost if her care if it came to it. At the very least this means she isn't just 'our' problem. It's a tough one though - she has said some strange and unpleasant things to my face on the odd occasion and, like a lot of couples who had their children fairly late we have been caring for them as well as elderly parents. Still feels like the right thing to do, though.

[hellokittyerw]

I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL and your situation.
I think you are definitely not selfish, caring for someone is not an easy job and it will only get harder as his condition deteriorates (and you will get more and more frustrated, for someone you don't even like).
In fact, I think you should make it quite clear from the very start that this is something you cannot help with, otherwise it will little by little become your responsibility.
Of course you and your husband can visit him at the weekend more often than the siblings who live away.
But it sounds like he needs more than the occasional visit at the weekend, so the best way to get that is for his children to organise something (perhaps someone coming to cook and clean every day, to start with) and split the cost among them.

[jafina]

In my opinion, you are not being selfish at all. He is not your father, and even if he was I would expect the other siblings to contribute significantly. Even if you liked him most people would advise you not to take on this carer's role. None of you have any idea how long he will need care, and the care will probably only increase over time.

Others on this thread have given good advice, the only additional piece I would give would be to offer to do something small for him, and say that's all you are willing to do (once a week grocery shopping or something like that). Your husband also needs to pitch in obviously!

[LSAR]

This is a difficult but very common situation.

There is advice from your GP and charities such as the Alzheimers society.
The practical reality of private care homes could be as much as £1600 per week.

Independent advice from Age concern would be helpful.

On a practical level the sooner a long term strategy for support is discussed the better- in my experience a meeting with the GP who understands the local support services set up is really useful as a professional can explain the practical day to day problems without an emotional response.

It is very expensive to fund long term care.

My understanding is that the local CCG will fund nursing care but not social care and social care will require financial support from the client if the client has independent means above a certain level.

My personal experience is that you need to plan 20 years ahead. Home care organised properly is not necessarily a cheaper option.

There is never a five minute pop in this situation.

Get together . Be realistic about finances ( we could not afford the care we would wish to choose). Get expert advice and don't offer to take on the responsibility.This is about practical choices.

In my view this is not about whether you like this person or not- it is about a practical solution to supporting a vulnerable adult who may be needing support for many years to come.

There are no easy solutions - just know that there are many of us facing similar difficult situations- best wishes

[felineg]

As others have said I think the rest of the family need a reality check. If your FIL has money and his own house these will need to be used to fund his care - with the needs of an ageing population, people can't expect to automatically inherit family money any more. If they don't like this they need to think about whether they are prepared to move or have him live with them. As others have said if he has less than £23k the council will fund his care.

Whatever happens they both need to realise that they need to share the load. I am an only child with an elderly mother 300 miles away and manage to visit every 2 to 3 weeks - it's perfectly possible for the scotland one at least to do this. If your FIL does need residential care you'll be looking at around £1200 a week in this area of London but possibly half that amount in Scotland.

I've also heard good things about home instead but another option is assisted living or extra care housing, for example this development in Wimbledon http://www.mccarthyandstone.co.uk/retir ... aynes-park this would give him his own flat but with onsite facilities such as meals and optional care but that's pretty expensive too.

Good luck!

[koko]

I do understand your point. Don't feel bad with this. Is not about being a selfish. I suggest you to organize a family meeting, and you as a family you have to sort this problem. I would honestly have a chat with your father-in -low. I know he is old but his opinion is really matter in this case.
I got similar situation in my family, honest conversation always works!
good luck !