Husband having affair??? Post Reply

[beautifulbella]

Hi all, I am a regular NVN’er however I am posting today under a different user name for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is having an affair.

I haven’t ‘caught him’ or anything like that, however he is acting really suspiciously over his phone. Before there was never a problem with me touching it or handing it to him, but recently (last 3 months or so) he gets angry if I so much as look at the lock screen, and every time it goes off he jumps on it and busily replies straight away.

He has also recently started ‘working late’ a lot, and having to go on ‘business trips’ over some weekends. He does have a job where this is fairly common, however he has worked there for the last 10 years (before DD was born) and it was never as frequent as this.

DD and I barely see him anymore, and when we do, he is frosty towards us, and prefers to spend time alone in his shed, or in the office.

I have also noticed that he has not been ‘interested…’ in me at all recently (DD is 8 so no ‘post baby bumps’ going on), and all of this combined with his attitude/work/personality change is really making me think that I am either paranoid and going crazy, or that he is in fact doing what I suspect, and cheating on me.

What should I do? I have tried to talk to him about this and how it is making me feel, but I get brushed off, and then ignored for days as he has to ‘work’. It is actually really running me down and depressing me, but I don’t think I have enough ‘evidence’ to justify calling time on our marriage.

[tooposhtopush]

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

think there are a number of issues potentially going on here and you need to take some control back as opposed to worrying yourself into the ground.

Firstly, he could be secretive for a number of different reasons. A good friend of mine had a husband who would take a call in the garden and hang up if she came near. He refused to let her touch his phone and got very very cagey about being "crept up on". She was convinced it was an affair but it turned out he was arranging a loan to pay off some removed as this is a word used by spammer debts and it was bank/credit card company etc he was speaking to. She almost wished he was having an affair

Secondly, stuff happens. Work gets rubbish, boss get nasty, colleagues make demands. I wouldn't put too much into this but I can see how it could make you worry.

This is what I would do. Write down in a calm and clear manner why you think he is having an affair and make sure it is non confrontational. This is harder than it sounds. AT NOT POINT MUST YOU GET ACCUSATORY OR NASTY just things like "you won't let me touch your phone any more" or "you've worked late more than ever" and take him to a neutral space.

I suggest dinner or a coffee or a walk but somewhere that is not "between" a drop off and a pick up of kids/work/stuff so that you have space to talk.

Then say to him. "I am worried and wanted to talk." and then go through the evidence and explain why you're worried and ask him.

His reaction will tell you a lot.

Hope this is helpful - good luck!

[Balhammom]

Agree.

Find space to calmly talk about your fears.

Not on the run/at breakfast/while other things are going on.

Good luck

[beautifulbella]

Thank you both for the advice.

I sat down last night and compiled a list of the things that are bothering me. And we have tentatively arranged to go for a walk over the weekend - if nothing comes up last minute!

I really hope this works!

Thanks so much!

[Reb]

I hope you can get some answers as it doesn't sound like you're having a great time. It would seem there is definitely something going on. It may or may not be an affair, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst just in case....
Hope you sort things out for your family

[firsttimerSW11]

Haven't read the other responses but it's worth seeing if he has set up findmyphone on icloud and if you know or he has left it logged in, then you can see where he is. SO if for example he says he is in the office working late but you can spot that he is in a bar in Shoreditch, then you might have a problem

That said, I think communication is key and maybe make dinner some Friday evening after DD is in bed and sit and chat. Not necessarily accusing him of anything but mention that you feel that you don't see each other much, how does he feel about it etc.
I suppose the one other note of caution I'd give you is that you might be opening a can of worms, and you mightn't like what you find but it sounds like you're not happy either way.
Good luck. I hope it turns out ok for you x

[pie81]

A bit of a different answer from above but in your shoes I would not speak to him just yet. I would try to find out more if I possibly could. For example check bank statements to see where he has been spending money, check emails if you know the password, check pockets/bags/wallet for receipts, check out the shed, use findmyphone, check his Uber history etc etc ... Normally I wouldn't advocate snooping like this but when you have a real suspicion and need to know the truth then I think it's different.

If you speak to him without any evidence he could just reassure you that all is fine and he's just been very busy at work and tired or something like that and you will be no wiser .. and he'll just be more careful to cover up whatever it is (if indeed there is anything).

Hope it turns out to be nothing x

[Oldkidontheblock]

Beautiful Bella, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. An awful, uncertain time for you and your little one. Whatever is going on, he is not trying to cover it up too much or being v subtle. When men have affairs, I believe they often become supernice and attentive to assuage their guilt and get themselves new phones for illicit calls and new clothes and flowers for the wife.
I know I could not stand to be in your shoes. I am a bit of a do-or-die kinda girl so I would send my child on a sleepover and "surprise" my husband on his working late or working away time to see if I could find out what he was up to. Does he have colleagues you could make discrete enquiries of? With a pretext of course.
All the very best to you.

[Jen66]

I hope you get some answers soon - this must be very stressful and upsetting for you.

I'm afraid it does very much sound as if there is *something* happening - if not a full-blown affair then maybe a flirtation at work.

Realistically if you ask him outright and he IS being unfaithful he is not going to admit it.

I have been in your shoes with a former partner. I saw emails from another woman and confronted him: no, he was not being unfaithful. How could I think such a thing? What kind of twisted mind did I have? He was deeply hurt by the very suggestion and lack of trust....blah blah.

Guess what? I was right.

[Scientist]

Not meaning to be controversial, but I have a slightly different perspective. If he is having an affair, have you thought through whether this is a deal breaker for your marriage, or whether you can work through it (for example, if his motivation is purely sexual) ? If he still loves you and your children, surely there is something worth saving.

I think you need to be as clear in your own mind, however difficult this may seem at present, just how much you value the coninuation of your marriage for your and your children's sakes. If he is just up to a bit of hanky-panky, would either of you sacrifice the family you have created ?

The removed as this is a word used by spammer debts/loss of job and not wishing to tell you are plausible theories, but given the other recent behaviours you mention, unlikely on their own. However, it is not unknown for men to seek extra female attention as a means to boost self esteem, often needed in the event of humiliating financial or career crises.

Once you know on what 'terms' you could allow the marriage to continue, you should then follow one of the other poster's advice and prepare for an honest and private tete a tete.

Good luck.

[hal]

Thank you both for the advice.

I sat down last night and compiled a list of the things that are bothering me. And we have tentatively arranged to go for a walk over the weekend - if nothing comes up last minute!

I really hope this works!

Thanks so much!

Good luck, and I hope you get the answers or reassurances that you need. What you've planned sounds like the most constructive way to deal with the issue. Depending on how you raise it and discuss it with him, his reaction will be important, irrespective (in my view) of whether he is having an affair or not -- even if he is not, he should want to reassure you or to deal with your worry because he cares about you.

Before you engage on any kind of more involved process though, like surveillance or invasion of his privacy, pause to consider the following: how would you feel or react if he was reading your emails or spying on you because he was concerned you were having an affair? Would you be ok with that or view it as acceptable? If you wouldn't, then I wouldn't engage in that same action with him -- you could irreparably damage any trust you may have with him.

Secondly, if you reach the point where you feel that you can't believe anything he says without resorting to possibly illegitimately obtained physical evidence, and that you need to catch him out or 'pin him down', then doesn't that suggest a much wider issue with the relationship?

You need to be able to look him in the eye and tell him that he is behaving in a way that is concerning you, upsetting you and undermining your trust in him; and he should want to address that honestly one way or another because he cares about you and your marriage. If there is something that he is hiding - whether it is an affair, a debt, an illness or whatever, you should be able to discuss it or at least how the secrecy makes you feel, regardless of the consequences. If you can't feel you can't do that and still believe him, without physical proof, why bother with the snooping in the first place -- the trust in the relationship is gone and obtaining physical evidence that either supports your suspicions or disproves them won't fix that.

[actuallyadad]

maybe try booking a holiday or a weekend away? Might be good to have time for a chat in a neutral environment where you're not distracted by the day to day goings on in family life/work etc

[Sharron]

Had been in the same situation with my first husband..

Hiding phone, being nervous about it, yelling when I use his laptop...completely changed person all of a sudden

first I thought it was me being too suspicious, stopped worrying about it (only on the outside of course) and few months later figured out he had a girl indeed

the affair ended after 4 months but ..well, I never had the same trust in him anymore. So we broke up an year later.

I have a friend in a similar situation, but she prefers to keep her family and just ignores whatever is going on, so long as he spends enough time with her and the kids. But it's a painful situation...

I feel like we, the women, always feel when something emotional is going on with our boyfriends and husbands, this is our female intuition i suppose.

Good luck and - hope this was something temporary and has already ended (if there was anything at all....)

[foodeditorjo]

Having been through this, it does sound suspicious. And I knew anyway - my intuition told me. It's easy for this to happen and for people to start living separate lives when both busy with children, work etc. I wouldn't snoop, personally, as it's pretty low behaviour but talking to him calmly about it may be better...

In my case, after my husband dumped the woman, she came round to my house and told me he'd been having an affair with her. It was when my daughter was a baby and was down to the fact that I was more absorbed in her than him! Men do need a lot of attention I think and some of them aren't mature enough to realise that your energies have to be shared with the children too, not just them!

Good luck.

[elisicia]

I know this post is a long time in coming, but since reading your post I have always wondered how you got on. Just know, I;ve kept you in my thoughts. Hoping everything turned out well for you.