Can you share how you do it in your family set up? Post Reply

[FLH03]

I am utterly hooked on this thread. I wish I could (have the freedom to) be the fun Disney mum but mainly I am children, home, pets, work juggler, good cop, bad cop, judge, jury, executioner, parole officer, taxi driver (sometimes all by 7:15 am) - but that's life with teens in my case, when the exhausting physical demands of parenthood turn into a mental negotiation onslaught. (But it is still all good, and I love it!)

Was going to show this to my other half but he has already gone to bed after a hard "work" day/quite a lot of night with clients at cricket yesterday.

Seriously though I think the OP has a very valid point in establishing and agreeing some ground rules and roles, way you work together in all aspects very early on, and discussing how things change and adapt over time, childhood passes far too quickly, there's no instruction manual for being a parent and we all need to be aware of the example we, and others set.

[2009Kat]

This is fascinating me too!

In our house the general rule is that I do everything except things that are delegated to my husband... So I do house, childcare, laundry, cleaner, admin etc and I work 4 days a week. Although I get home from work earlier than my husband, evenings are usually spent doing more work or admin/chores. My husband is a lovely man who helps where he can (e.g. he pitches in with the kids, empties dishwasher etc) but he works more than me so is around less and is not a particularly practical person.

I don't resent him/anything. There is no point playing the "who is more tired" game as there is no winner, we are both completely exhausted. Saying that though, I think being a SAHP is harder work than going out to work! Hats off to those who do it.

[supergirl]

Wow thanks so much for sharing.
We are all so trying very hard to juggle everything. I have learned a lot so far and i found some great advices and ideas. We have started the discussion about expectations and family life. My husband is so receptive to what i say and to how i feel and i am so happy because i actually listen properly to how he feels.

I know it may sounds ridiculous but i think we had slipped into a routine so it was nice to shake that off. I am glad i have asked the question on here and then open the conversation at home.

I can relate with you Seb when you say that you dont want to stick with your wife schedule if you look after the kids at the week end. My husband says exactly the same. I know why he is like that. He describes his work as a battlefield so when he gets home he just want to let off the steam and anything i can say kids related he sees it as another constraint in his agenda. I agree to that but... 2 things i want to say.
1. Homeworks will still have to be done at some point and i believe that you shouldnt wait until 5pm on Sunday
2. They still need to go to bed at a reasonable time because week ends are only 2 days and they need rest from a busy week.
I have let go of all the other stuffs.

please keep them coming!

[supergirl]

Also i would like to add about the "thinking".

Yes yes yes. This by far the hardest. That and sleep deprivation when you have babies.

However amazing my husband can be he will NEVER think ahead when it comes to his children. He can project work, finances, mortgage, himself, his family in the grand scheme of things but he cannot to the same about his children.
If kids are having an activity outdoor you need to dress properly and appropriately. I have a vivid memory of my youngest going to a huge treasure hunt in sandals, fluffly dress, etc because "she chose to dress herself like that so i didnt say anything". Guess what it rains!

And he has NEVER packed more than 1 suitcase.

Thats the bit I would like to share.

Any men with ideas as to why?

[Seb]

. Homeworks will still have to be done at some point and i believe that you shouldnt wait until 5pm on Sunday
2. They still need to go to bed at a reasonable time because week ends are only 2 days and they need rest from a busy week.
I have let go of all the other stuffs.

hahahah

loving this too!

I think the fundamental difference is that my partner wants me to be "her" in terms of childcare. Her choices for clubs//classes, her playdates, her way of running the house etc etc. She doesn't actually delegate, she sets precise instructions which I have failed if I haven't followed to the letter.

As we all know from work, that's not sharing or delegating responsibility it's micromanagement nightmare!

e.g. Her (over weekend): I can't believe you didn't take the kids to ToddleDrums!

Me: we were having too much fun on our bikes so stayed out

Her: but he/she needs to go to ToddleDrums! They love it

Me: Well they love cycling

Her: you're useless you can't even get them to a class on time

Now that is a sort-of conversation we had last time. Her view is I've failed, my view is that I chose an alternative path. Not wrong but different.

I KNOW that she'll tell her friends "I can't believe how useless he is he couldn't even get them to ToddleDrums" and I'm telling my friends (to murmurs of agreement in the pub) "why are women so uptight about ToddleDrums we were having fun!"

As far as housework is concerned men and women approach things differently.

Again, not wrong, but different.

I earn a lot of money and so can afford to outsource. I suspect most people on NappyValleyNet are the same. So after the last weekend I ordered an extra cleaner to come in and asked her to bag up everything which was dirty.

I took it to the launderette and paid them to wash and iron.

When I got home I then had the cleaner put it all back in the drawers.

My wife "my husband is so useless he has to go to the launderette to do washing"

Me in the pub "I'M NOT USELESS IT WORKS AND I CAN AFFORD IT A LAUNDERETTE"

But it's great we are discussing it!

[supergirl]

Seb - and your views on the thinking?

[Seb]

Ok so sticking my head above the parapet...

quite frankly nothing would get done if I didn't do it.. I am by no means a micro manager or perfectionist, I am talking the basics, no childrens birthday parties, no presents, no holidays, no clean clothes, no food, no homework done, no play dates, no activities, clubs, paying the nanny/cleaner, remembering the sports kit etc. I not a super mum but i do enough to get by - but even that takes a significant effort in addition to doing my City Job

I REALLY think the difference comes down to approach.

About half of those things listed are things that I do. But they're done the way I want to do them, not the way my wife would do them.

e.g. paying the cleaner and nanny. I used to do these and it took about three seconds (details set up in banking app, reminder in my diary, I don't think it took less than a minute but it certainly was done in two.

Sports kit: laminate list of classes and what is needed on the fridge. Explained to the kids that they needed to shout if they didn't have it sorted and then they only forgot their kit once.

DId they forget it? Yes. Once. But they never forgot it again. My wife wanted to BIKE the sports kit to them at school and we had an argument. But in the end I got my way and the kids do it.

I honestly honestly believe that all of us are loving, caring, capable parents and if left to our own devices it works. It's when we're not sure what is meant to happen that chaos ensues!

[soph]

I do agree that if no one did it, chaos would ensue, but then order would prevail eventually but either one party or the other - or both need to do it. in my experience it is usually the mum who does the thinking behind the family logistics, albeit parts may be delegated to dad. This is often the mother because they stay at home. So take your cleaning e.g - of course the doing (paying) takes 2 minutes however the thinking/logistics can take longer. Does your wife tell you to cancel the dd when she doesn't turn up/swops days/ goes on holiday/does an hour less - or is it just easier for your wife to remember each week to pay the cleaner who she sees and talks to each week?! I think it's great seb that you do so much for your wife and family. I wish my husband would/could do more of the "thinking" side of family life too but sometimes it just doesn't work as well. I do also endorse the children doing as much as possible for themselves however this is age specific. It's an interesting debate for sure but looking after small kids plus trying juggling lots of household admin is exhausting.

[Seb]

I saw this is today's Guardian.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... f-to-death

I am NOT saying that this is the tone of this thread, but it is interesting colour to the whole work/life/man/woman balance.

I have a couple of friends who are getting increasingly stressed that their Nappy Valley wives are refusing to get jobs when their children are of secondary school age and more. I truly believe it's not healthy for anyone to "do nothing" when the full-on responsibilities of childcare start to ebb away.

[sw1234]

Great article and I couldn't agree more!

[Scientist]

My best friend experienced a retrenchment in his city career at the same time as the family nanny left; his wife worked full time. Finding it difficult to source a full time replacement job, he and his wife decided that this might be the time for him to have a spell looking after the children (primary school age).

He eventually "invented" a part time income producing role which fitted around his new childcare duties. Over time, this new "job" had him working in the evenings as well and he became quite busy with it.

He took a long time to adjust to childcare, child speak, hanging around at the school gates for pick up chatting to mums he seemed to have little in common with and wearing more and more casual clothes instead of the sharp suits he used to wear to work. I know he missed the intellectual stimulation of being around intelligent adults more than anything (no slight intended on the intellectual capacity of mums, but let's just say that school gate conversation tends towards the basics), not to mention the higher income he had enjoyed. He also experienced a massive loss of self esteem.

But he still got the washing done, did most of the domestic work (they didn't re-employ a nanny and had no cleaner), did the traditionally male-centric odd job duties, cooked the children's breakfasts and supper etc. Whilst his income was only half his wife's (it used to be a lot more than his wife's when he was in the city), he still made a vital contribution to shared expenses and also made sure that whenever they needed new big-ticket electrical appliances etc, he paid for them; he also bought all the booze, which may sound a trifle but when you don't go out much, you want to be able to eat and drink well at home.

His wife still managed to "have a go" at him for all the apparent free time he had during the day when the children were at school. I suppose she was ignorant of the work he had to do to get the business which provided his income, not to mention blind to the fact that the rooms of the house they lived in were normally clean, the children fed and educated, the car serviced etc.

Sometimes, couples just need to communicate more. Sit down, explain what they have each individually been through and what it feels like. Explain where they feel under appreciated, but also have the courage and honesty to admit when they know they have been lax, or underperformed or downright lied. Honesty is hard and takes time, but the alternative is often plastering on layers and layers of half-truths and - like all bad plastering jobs - eventually the whole thing falls apart with unpleasant consequences.

[viva]

I am extremely lucky in that my partner and I both work part-time. We have a 3 year old and have always divided everything in terms of child-care. We spend an equal amount of time with my son and we both work c3 days per week.
I have to say that I find the days with my son a lot more exhausting than my working days. The energy required to look after young children emotionally and physically is very challenging.
We also split household chores etc. We have a cleaner, my partner does all the food shopping - he takes our son out every Monday to do the food shopping and they've done this together since he was a baby. He also organises all the bills etc. I then organise other household things like packing when we go away, clothes and washing etc and I do most of the extra cleaning and tidying round the house. We both cook the same amount.
In general it balances out however it doesn't stop us from rowing fairly often about who does what and one having more space than the other.
I actually think it pays to be less clinical about this and more go with the flow - I think the more give and take there is the more benefits you will see in the long run. The more rigid we have become in allocating time the less it works so I say this from experience - although it's not easy. The more giving and thoughtful we are with each other around this - the better it is. It's easy to say that one role is harder than the other unless you actually try one out for a long period of time (working a lot in office/or being stay at home carer). They are all tough in different ways, and of course sometimes the grass always seems greener somewhere else.
I don't think there's any definitive answer except to find something that works for you and not to dwell too much on everything being equal as that is where the resentment will start to build.

[BFW]

OK am going to get shot down for this but.... My husband has a very demanding job - travels works long hours etc. So 4 years ago I decided to take a slightly "easier" career path and now work 4 days a week and I can pretty much leave the office at 5.30 every night. As a result I do everything in our household. And I mean EVERYTHING ! My husband occasionally puts the rubbish out

But do you know what? I really don't mind one tiny bit. He doesn't get home until 10pm some nights and looks exhausted and I know that if he could he would help more. And on the occasional time when I am travelling with work he takes over. I have my one day off work now and when the kids are at school I get a whole day to do things for myself ... gym, seeing friends, getting the house sorted.

One of the posters made a good point of asking your kids ages. When my kids were younger I have to admit that it was all a bit more challenging and I would have loved for him to help me more ! But now they are all at school (all primary school) life has got so much easier !

Anyway ... that's just my thoughts !

[astro]

Yes! It is all about the 'thinking'. My husband is great at chipping in but I have to ask or remind him and I feel like I'm nagging and I hate being a 'naggy wife'. Or I have to think of things to do on the weekend and work out the schedule (we still are working around kids naps etc as have two under the age of 3). I'd love it if he came home on a Friday and said 'Okay, we really need to get x, y and z done around the house this weekend.' rather than me being the fun police bringing it up. Or I'd love it if he said 'I saw this great family day thing at xxx this Saturday and I was thinking we could take the kids in the morning'. He is a guy with a huge amount of drive and initiative when it comes to work, holidays etc - where has it all gone on the weekend?

The other things I notice is that in the evening when we are relaxing, watching tv etc... he'll be online reading the news or looking up something personal that he's interested in. Instead I'll be catching up on online chores which I don't get a chance to do during the day (food shop, kids clothes order, researching how to get the garden done etc). I'm on mat leave at the moment so I get coffee time during the day and it is okay, but when I go back to work full-time I find that part really hard.

In answer to super girl's original question, for us (whether I'm working full-time or not): he does the household paperwork, bills, car etc. I do all the household chores in terms of food shopping, furniture, kids clothes, washing etc, and cooking during the week as he just isn't home early enough. He's great at chipping in and will unload the dishwasher or washing machine without me asking. And he's fine with us outsourcing as much as we can but doesn't appreciate how hard that is to organise sometimes!

[pie81]

I could have written your post astro! (Except I'm now back at work from maternity leave and STILL doing all the online chores in my "spare" time while he browses wine websites...grrr)