Can you share how you do it in your family set up? Post Reply

[BFW]

OK am going to get shot down for this but.... My husband has a very demanding job - travels works long hours etc. So 4 years ago I decided to take a slightly "easier" career path and now work 4 days a week and I can pretty much leave the office at 5.30 every night. As a result I do everything in our household. And I mean EVERYTHING ! My husband occasionally puts the rubbish out

But do you know what? I really don't mind one tiny bit. He doesn't get home until 10pm some nights and looks exhausted and I know that if he could he would help more. And on the occasional time when I am travelling with work he takes over. I have my one day off work now and when the kids are at school I get a whole day to do things for myself ... gym, seeing friends, getting the house sorted.

One of the posters made a good point of asking your kids ages. When my kids were younger I have to admit that it was all a bit more challenging and I would have loved for him to help me more ! But now they are all at school (all primary school) life has got so much easier !

Anyway ... that's just my thoughts !

[astro]

Yes! It is all about the 'thinking'. My husband is great at chipping in but I have to ask or remind him and I feel like I'm nagging and I hate being a 'naggy wife'. Or I have to think of things to do on the weekend and work out the schedule (we still are working around kids naps etc as have two under the age of 3). I'd love it if he came home on a Friday and said 'Okay, we really need to get x, y and z done around the house this weekend.' rather than me being the fun police bringing it up. Or I'd love it if he said 'I saw this great family day thing at xxx this Saturday and I was thinking we could take the kids in the morning'. He is a guy with a huge amount of drive and initiative when it comes to work, holidays etc - where has it all gone on the weekend?

The other things I notice is that in the evening when we are relaxing, watching tv etc... he'll be online reading the news or looking up something personal that he's interested in. Instead I'll be catching up on online chores which I don't get a chance to do during the day (food shop, kids clothes order, researching how to get the garden done etc). I'm on mat leave at the moment so I get coffee time during the day and it is okay, but when I go back to work full-time I find that part really hard.

In answer to super girl's original question, for us (whether I'm working full-time or not): he does the household paperwork, bills, car etc. I do all the household chores in terms of food shopping, furniture, kids clothes, washing etc, and cooking during the week as he just isn't home early enough. He's great at chipping in and will unload the dishwasher or washing machine without me asking. And he's fine with us outsourcing as much as we can but doesn't appreciate how hard that is to organise sometimes!

[pie81]

I could have written your post astro! (Except I'm now back at work from maternity leave and STILL doing all the online chores in my "spare" time while he browses wine websites...grrr)

[KasiaT]

BFW, so very true. Same here - my kids are pre-schoolers but I am in exactly the same boat.
Seb, your posts made me smile. You sound like a cool dad.

[swstepford]

Am skimreading all these posts as it is definitely the ongoing source of stress in our marriage - the Guardian article/letter made me cry slightly especially as clearly they are NOT communicating... we are constantly trying different ways to juggle and as my kids are now older I am getting better at getting them to pitch in during that post school time when I am trying to get supper ready (and fresh off meetings or sometimes office work) so that am not frazzled housewife when hubby gets in from his long day in the corporate world. Definitely identify on the thinking burden though - the other day hubby was working from home and as i got off the tube to pick up kids heavens opened again so i called to ask if he could come and get us and he was unsure of what time school finished (this is 7 years into school and oldest about to go to secondary) which made me scream with frustation! Will go back online later at home with a glass of wine and reread in more detail ALL the contributions and see what nuggets of wisdom I can use!

[cazza123]

Hi supergirl,

my husband has the same working hrs as yours and we hardly see him during the week. Either I'm in bed or fall asleep in front of the tv by the time he gets home or he is away. It's frustrating but we just have to put up with It.

To answer your qs:

- House maintenance (renovations, general maintenance). I'm rubbish at this. If it's small jobs my husband might do it at the the weekend otherwise we get a handyman to help out
- kids; -I'm 24/7 work around the clock for my son
- Family time; -weekend breakfast and lunch. My husband tends to have to log in and work during the weekend. He tries to keep Saturday free for us and Sunday when he does log in, we just hang around the house or hang around near his workplace so he can see and spend a glimpse of us
- Couple time; -we try date night 1x a month and get babysitter in. Apart from that it's non existence. (This is something we really struggle and need to work on)
- House chores; -between me and the cleaner
- Paperworks, admin, etc; -I deal with it unless it's something complicated like dealing with solicitors etc then I ask him to help out
- Money - funny enough he checks all my expenditure. He only raises his voice when he sees McDonalds on the bank statement. We openly talk about it and can see each other expenditure, nothing extravagant.
- Expectations of both sides - I just expect him to be a dad and spend time with us at the weekend. He expect the house to look like a showroom (which I must admit I'm struggling)
- And what "selfish" spend do you have on yourself if you are "at home" -Driving lesson&pilates classes (1-2hr at the weekend when the boys are bonding). I work 2x Pw and freelance which i see it as a "selfish" act as it doesn't contribute anything to us. Just a little pocket money for me so I can drop my kid at nursery while I sip on a hot beverage. I would love to have more "me" time like going to get mani / hair done / going shopping/ see my friends (most of them are childless) but this feel like a real luxury as I would need to find someone to look after our son.