Husband getting tattoo Post Reply

[Honeywellhoney]

I am posting under a different username as I wish to remain anonymous for reasons which will become clear as you read on...

In a nutshell, I accidentally found out some months back that my husband was planning on getting a tattoo. I totally loathe them for a variety of reasons which he has always known.

I don't want this to turn into a debate for and against tattoos. I understand everyone has a right to have one or more if they so wish. In his case, we wants a large, thick band around his arm just above the elbow.

However my issue is with the cloak and dagger way he has approached this and despite lengthy conversations where I remained calm
and rational, his belligerence to go ahead regardless of my feelings and the impact it will have on me, us and our children.

It is very out of character. He has spent the last 40 + years cultivating his public school, Oxbridge image, wearing designer clothes, driving a certain kind of car etc etc, working in a very high powered job. He is by his own admission a snob who looks down on those who he considers to be beneath him.

He considers me to be prejudiced and judgemental over this issue and says he intends to go ahead with it as he must do it for himself and that his happiness is paramount.

Any thoughts on how to progress please?

[Mummykane]

Sorry to say this but your husband sounds like a *******? He considers himself better than certain people which says alot about the sort of person he really is? So what that he went Eaton has a flash car and named clothes? strip that all away and what it tells you is he's obviously miserable with the life he has?? I think the the tattoo is his way of rebelling against the snobby side to him? Is it the end of the world? Is it going to affect your lifestyle etc etc?? I pretty much doubt it.
He will do it regardless of what you think! What will it be next? That's what you should ask yourself?????

[Goldhawk]

Exactly what impact will it have on you and the children?

Unless he's planning to get LOVE/HATE on his knuckles or a full on face tattoo I don't see how it will affect you

Perhaps he has always wanted one but never dared to tell you?

[supergirl]

I obviously dont know you so i am not judging you but what you wrote in your post does make you sound prejudiced and judgmental.

Maybe you associate tattoos with a certain kind of people and so cant reconcile it with the lifestyle/friends you have.

So to answer your question the only way forward is to look at the reasons YOU feel this way and talk to him about them but be honest with yourself and him.

[Canook]

It sounds like a bit of a mid-life crisis move. I say just let him do it since there are worse mid-life crisis things he could do. I would be more focussed on the fact that he said that his happiness is paramount. As we all know, marriage is a compromise and, within reason, I would not do something that my husband feels very strongly about me not doing.

That being said, if he is as buttoned up as you say he is, his colleagues, friends and family will see the tattoo as a bit of a mid-life crisis move too, and everyone will move on.

[pie81]

Personally if my husband did this, my main worry would be that he is suddenly acting so out of character (rather than the tattoo itself). Has he said why he wants it? Since it is so out of character, I am wondering if there is an explanation he is not giving you.

Just as an example - a quick google suggests these kinds of tattoos are associated with mourning - like a tattoo version of the black cloth bands people used to wear after someone died. Has he lost anyone close to him recently?

[Honeywellhoney]

Thank you all so much for reading and for all the different perspectives. My own friends are just still so shocked by the utterly out of character behaviour, that they like me are at a loss to understand. Posting here has enabled me to look at it from different viewpoints.

However I keep coming back to the lack of respect for my feelings which I feel lies at the heart of this. I understand it may be a male mid life crisis. Incidentally other than work stress (which I am not belittling) everything in life for him is as normal. I agree with the posters who suggested that this may be the tip of the iceberg as there have been a number of issues of late where he has been economical with the truth.

I discovered today that he is booked in to have it done over the next week and that he has told me & my children that he is away on a European business trip over the time period in question, when in reality he will actually be staying in London. He clearly has no intention of telling me until it is a fait accompli. Bearing in mind that I have been fair, understanding and not issued any threats, ultimatums etc like some friends suggested, I feel very sad & lonely. I realise that there is nothing that can be done but my fear is that this is actually part of a much bigger issue.

[hawkes]

First world problems

[london_maman]

Not even a first world problem! Why is that even an issue? I agree with a previous poster your husband doesn't sound like the nicest person. Genuinely I don't see how it is affecting you or your kids. If that's what he wants? Good for him!
The truth is: It is affecting the image of you and your husband towards your friends who are probably as snobby as he is, and that is such a sad life.

[windmill26]

" he has told me & my children that he is away on a European business trip over the time period in question, when in reality he will actually be staying in London"...I would be more worried about this than the tattoo and friends reaction!

[Goldhawk]

Has he lied about travelling before? I'd be checking those receipts carefully..

[Beketaten]

I think the fact that he is lying about his whereabouts is far more of a problem than the tattoo. Claiming to be in a different country is really quite extreme.

I understand you don't approve of the tattoo idea, I don't like them much either, but you can't really claim it will affect the children. Him lying about where he is might though...

How did you find out where he will really be?

[harriet.d1]

I think as others have said the most concerning thing is not the tattoo- yes this is upsetting especially if you didn't want him to get one but more of the fact that he has lied about having it done and said he's travelling abroad. I think there could quite possibly be another reason behind that and would try and find out where he is and whom he may be with.

Hope all goes well

[FrenchMummyInLondon]

Hi,
While I believe that everybody can choose to do what they want with their body and life, I also understand your feeling towards the tattoo.
You choose your husband because your values were matching/were respected (including your view on tattoos), and suddenly those views are not aligned anymore between the two of you. I understand that it must be difficult and hurtful to realised that he doesn't consider your view anymore.

In my opinion (and this is my opinion, just based on your messages; so it is inerrantly partial) it seems that the tatoo maybe an expression of his inner mood. Maybe a mid life crisis as some others mentioned? Maybe a late "teens rebellion " if he never has done one?
I would be much more concerned about the underlying reasons for the tattoo and for the associated lies - than for the tattoo itself (at least in order of priority).
Could you speak openly with him about it? If not, maybe counselling could help him open up? It may unlock the real problem...

And if the tatto is, in the end, the only real need he has and he won't change his mind about having one, then it is up to you to see if you can reajust your views on those or not and to make your choices according to your feeling.
As the saying goes: You can't change people or situations…you can only change the way YOU react to them.

All the best - I hope your situation will unlock in an way that is satisfying for both you and your husband.
Lots of positive thoughts for you and big hug.

[It's-tricky]

Morning,
As others have said the lying about his were abouts is the most concerning part of your story.
A few years ago after a near death experience I decided I wanted to have a tattoo done, my husband was furious as he hates tattoos and as far as he was concerned he has married a girl who went to Swiss boarding school and came from an educated cultured background. But to me it was very very important to have it done as as symbol of what I had survived, I explained to him that is was my body to do with as I pleased and that just like I can't force him to have one done he shouldn't dictate what I do to myself. In the end he saw how important it was to me and through gritted teeth stopped bullying me out of my descion. He still 6yrs on makes the odd comment but I laugh it off as I love my tattoo and what it signifies.
Maybe going to some marriage counselling to help you discuss the reasons behind this stand off might help.